Who We Could Be

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Her parents were out, so we had her house to ourselves.

  “Okay,” I said, taking the box with suspicion. I wasn’t sure about this.

  “Come on, it’s good. My aunts helped me pick it out.” That was promising, and Tessa usually gave extremely thoughtful gifts.

  The wrapping job was kind of a mess, proof Tessa had done it herself, but that made it all the more special.

  “Oh, Tessa, this is beautiful.” Inside I’d revealed a small sterling silver tea set, complete with cups, a tray, plates, spoons, and little containers for cream and sugar.

  “They didn’t have the teapot, so sorry about that.”

  “It’s perfect,” I said, wiping away a few tears. It was.

  “Come on, let’s break it in!” Tessa jumped up and went to heat some water.

  “But it’s so pretty,” I said. “I don’t want to hurt it.”

  “It was made to be used, silly. Also, there’s a polishing and cleaning kit in the bottom of the box. A new hobby for you.”

  She’d thought of everything.

  “I love it so much, thank you.” I hugged her and held her close. She beamed at me.

  “I’m so happy you like it.”

  The kettle whistled and Tessa went to shut it off.

  “What kind of tea would you like, milady?” She held out the box of tea bags to me and I selected an Earl Grey. Seemed appropriate.

  “This feels so decadent.” We sat on the living room couch sipping from the silver cups.

  “I feel so fancy,” Tessa said. “Remember that time when I tried to throw that tea party?”

  I made a face. “Don’t remind me. I can’t drink red wine now because of that.”

  “Hey, it’s not my fault that the bottle wasn’t labeled. I thought it was juice or something.” Tessa had decided to throw me a tea party one summer when we were younger and had grabbed a bottle of homemade wine from her aunts to mix with iced tea to pour in the cups. I’d drunk a bunch of it and ended up puking in the hedges in front of the house. Much drama had ensued.

  “I was trying to be classy, and I failed,” she said with a sigh.

  “It’s okay, I still love you.”

  Her phone made noise and she read a new message.

  “Hey, what about telling my brothers? Are you up for that? Keep in mind that if you tell them, they will make shirts to support you.”

  Oh god, they would. I didn’t think I was ready for that quite yet.

  “No, let’s hold off.”

  “Fair enough.”

  We rinsed out the cups and dried them carefully before I packed them back into the box to take back to my apartment.

  “Hey, so you wanna watch this new show? I was looking for stuff to watch and I think there are lesbians in it,” Tessa said, turning on the TV.

  “I don’t have to watch something just because there are lesbians in it.”

  “I know, but don’t you want to?”

  “I mean, yes.”

  She grinned at me. “Exactly.”

  Tessa put the show on and scooted close to me. “Can you play with my hair?”

  When we’d been younger and I’d been practicing my braiding skills, Tessa used to let me work on her hair. Now that it was much shorter, that was harder, but I could still mess with it a little bit.

  “Sure,” I said. She lay her head in my lap and I dragged my fingers through her curls. It was soothing for me as well.

  Aside from polishing the tea set, which wouldn’t take too long, I needed a new hobby. Maybe I could take a class or learn a language.

  The show was cute and bright and so far, it seemed pretty gay, not that I was much of a judge. I was hooked by the fourth episode, and if she didn’t say anything, I was going to go home and marathon this thing.

  “Can you pick out a wedding dress for me?” Tessa asked. I’d honestly thought she’d fallen asleep.

  “What?”

  She sat up. “Can you pick out a wedding dress for me? I know I need to get one like, a year in advance, and I have no idea what I want. You pick one out for me. You’ll know what looks good.”

  I paused the show. “Have you tried any on?”

  “No.”

  “I think you should do that before you give me complete control over what you wear. That’s an important day, and you want to wear something you like.”

  My own wedding dress was in storage at my parent’s house. I still loved it and wish it wasn’t tied to such awful memories. Too bad I couldn’t wear it for something else, but it was very clearly a wedding dress.

  “Can I just use yours?” she asked.

  “Uh, no. I don’t think it would fit you, anyway.” My dress was a ballgown with lots of tulle and lace and 3/4 lace sleeves. Not Tessa style at all.

  “It was worth a shot. Will you go with me? If I go try them on.”

  She looked up at me, her eyes wide and pleading.

  “Listen, if we go and try them on, your mom is going to kill us for not inviting her. And your aunts would want to be there too.”

  “But if we just go to look and not try on? Just to see what I might like. It would be a shame if I did an appointment and wasted a bunch of time trying on dresses and never picked one. So this is more of a research trip.”

  That did make sense.

  “Okay.”

  Tessa jumped off the couch. “Okay, let’s go.”

  “Wait, now?”

  “Why not? Come on.” She pulled me up from the couch. I should be used to Tessa’s spontaneous plans, but I wasn’t.

  “Don’t we have to have an appointment?” I protested, as she dragged me through the door and out to her car.

  “Not to look. I just want to see. It’ll be fun!”

  Over an hour later, Tessa was parking her car in the lot at the closest mall and I was staring up at a chain bridal store.

  “Come on, you know it’ll be a good time.” She nudged me. Not that long ago she’d been so down on getting a dress and now she seemed totally pumped, so I had no idea what was going on.

  “You owe me dinner,” I said.

  “Deal.”

  We walked into the store and were greeted by a smiling consultant asking if we had an appointment.

  “We’re just here to look, if that’s okay? But I do want to make an appointment,” Tessa said.

  “That’s fine, just let me know if you need anything!” The consultant dashed off to help a group that was looking at bridesmaid dresses.

  “You know, we could have looked at stuff online,” I said. The racks and racks of dresses on the right side of the store were completely overwhelming. Where did you even start?

  I’d picked my dress out online and then tried it on at a tiny boutique a few hours away from home and it had been perfect.

  “Come on,” Tessa said, threading her arm through mine. “Just go with it.”

  “I hate it when you say that.”

  “I know,” Tessa sang. “What do you think of this one?” She yanked out the first dress on the front of the rack. This was going to be a long afternoon.

  Twelve

  Tessa

  Honestly, I wasn’t excited about trying dresses on, but looking through them was fun as hell. I liked finding a dress that I would rather drop dead than wear, and that turned out to be a lot of them.

  “I think I want more simple,” I said. “Like, no glitter or sequins or lace. That stuff makes my skin itchy.”

  “What about this?” Monty said, pulling out a dress that was long and white and sleek. It almost looked like more of an evening gown than a wedding dress.

  “Look at the back,” she said, turning it around. The back dipped low and had a few strands of what looked like crystals crossing the gap.

  “See, that’s more like it. Okay, hold on.” I took a picture of the dress and the tag so I would know for later when I came back with my mom and aunts and Monty to do the official try on. I was going to put that shit off as long as possible.

  “You might want
to get it soon, or else it might go out of season, or might get sold,” Monty said. She had a point, but whatever. I didn’t want to put on a wedding dress yet. We still hadn’t decided anything else, not even a date, so why did I need a dress?

  “You could always go casual and wear pants.” The store did have a few unconventional wedding looks.

  “If only my jumpsuit was white, I could walk down the aisle in that.” If only. Then I wouldn’t have to try anything on.

  “I think that would scandalize a lot of your guests.”

  “Good. People should be regularly scandalized. It’s good for them. Builds character.”

  She laughed.

  Somehow we made it through all the racks and my eyes were starting to burn from staring at so much white.

  “Come on, I’m hungry,” I said.

  “Thank god.” She sagged against the rack. “I’m starving.”

  We left the shop and ended up going to a semi-fancy chain restaurant with a massive menu and enormous desserts.

  “See, wasn’t this worth the trip?” I said as we stuck our forks into a piece of cheesecake that was the size of a small child.

  “For this, yes.”

  “Wait, was being around the dresses hard for you? Shit, I didn’t think about that, I’m sorry.”

  She shook her head and waved her fork in the air as she spoke. “No, it’s not that. I don’t think, anyway. It’s just not knowing what my future is going to look like has been really stressful lately. This helps.”

  We’d agreed to get a salted caramel cheesecake and it was orgasmic. I was definitely going to make Gus take me here sometime.

  I really needed to get more used to the idea that we were getting married. That I’d be moving in with him to his little cabin near the pond. He’d inherited it from his grandparents and it was idyllic. We’d probably get a few dogs and go paddleboarding on the weekends. In the evenings I’d read and he’d fiddle around in the shed with woodworking projects.

  Still, our wedding was at least a year away. Did I have to let it consume my every waking moment? No, I don’t think so.

  “You are awfully contemplative over there, Cin.”

  While I’d been navel-gazing, she’d been attacking the cheesecake and now there wasn’t a whole lot left for me. I had to get my act together or else she was going to finish it before I got to have another bite.

  “Just thinking about life.” That wasn’t a lie.

  “What about it?”

  I didn’t want to talk to Monty about this shit.

  “That I need more cheesecake in my life. Definitely. We should get some to go.” Monty got so excited about the prospect of cheesecake that she didn’t pry further about what I’d been thinking about.

  My parents were home when we returned, and I was patting myself on the back for deciding to get another piece of cheesecake for them. I never would have heard the end of it if I hadn’t brought some home for everyone. What I didn’t count on was my brother Mike and his wife Bekah coming over to have dinner with my parents, so I didn’t win with everyone.

  “How the hell was I supposed to know you were coming over?” I yelled.

  “I told you a week ago that we were coming over!” he yelled back.

  “Children, please,” Mom said halfheartedly. With four of us the house had been loud. The neighbors had complained so many times we’d lost count. It wasn’t my fault that the boys were loud. I was also the youngest, so if they were loud, I had to be louder.

  “Whatever, Mike. It’s not like you know anything about my life.” This was a total dig, because I was actually extremely close with my brothers. I saw all of them at least once a week, if not more. I’d seen Donny earlier today, and Ben was dropping by the bookstore tomorrow to get some books because his wife, Annabelle, was pregnant with their first child and he was a nervous wreck. Now I had two sisters-in-law pregnant at the same time and it was going to be a chaotic Christmas at the O’Connell house. I was over the moon about getting new niblings. I adored my niece, Cadence, and couldn’t wait for her to get a sibling.

  “Will you two just hug and stop being ridiculous?” Bekah said. She’d been ignoring us this whole time. She and Mike had been together since high school, so she’d had enough of our shit. Tessa had been on her phone the entire time and hadn’t even been paying attention to our nonsense.

  Mike and I smiled at each other and he picked me up in a big hug.

  “I love you, Firework.” He kissed the top of my head and set me down.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Love you too.”

  Monty left a few minutes later. I really wanted to ask her to stay, but there was no reason now. She was all-in on her new lesbian life and had other shit to do, I guess.

  “Thank you again for the tea set. I love it so much.”

  “You’re welcome, Ford.”

  She waved goodbye with her free hand as she walked to her car with the tea set box.

  “What’s up with Monty? She seemed quiet,” Mike said.

  “Well, she did just find out that her fiancé was cheating on her, maybe it has something to do with that?” I said, and his face went red.

  “Shit, I forgot about that, sorry.”

  I shared a look with my mom. Yes, my parents knew, but they’d been sworn to secrecy, and I knew they would keep their word to Monty. She wasn’t ready for anyone outside of her inner circle yet, and that was fine.

  “Babe, it’s late and I have to work early.” Bekah was a nurse and sometimes worked weird shifts at the hospital, so she was exhausted most of the time.

  Once they’d left, I sat down on the couch with Mom.

  “What did you kids get up to today?”

  I didn’t want to talk about the wedding dress trip. Because then my mom would get all excited and she’d pull out the bridal magazines that she’d been hoarding for years and I would never hear the end of it.

  “I gave her the tea set and she loved it and we went on a little road trip to the mall.” There, that was completely truthful.

  “Isn’t there a huge bridal shop in that mall? We should call and make an appointment, you know.” Shit, the topic had found me anyway.

  “Yeah, sure,” I said.

  “You have to order your dress at least a year in advance. You can’t put this off, Tessa.” I was suddenly so very tired.

  “Uh huh,” I said, getting up. “I’m going to bed.”

  I lay in bed messing around on my phone before I video called Tessa.

  “Didn’t we just spend all day together?” she said, smiling softly at me. She was in her room and the lights were off.

  “Don’t we spend most days together? I mean, we used to spend all day at school with each other and then we’d have sleepovers. So this isn’t that out of character.”

  She sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

  “My mom almost found out that we went and looked at wedding dresses. I’m pretty sure when I actually go and try them on, she’s going to have a breakdown. I know I’m her only daughter, but it’s too much sometimes.”

  Sure, my mom had gotten to go with all of her daughters-in-law when they’d gone to pick out their dresses, but it was different for me. Ever since I was a kid, she’d been talking about my wedding and getting married. I mean, she was half the reason I was with Gus in the first place. She’d become friends with his mom and had forced us into playdates. The first few had been weird, but then we’d bonded over love of a TV show and, like kids, we’d formed a friendship based on that one thing.

  I can’t even remember the first time she told me I was going to marry him. It embarrassed me for a few years until I started ignoring it. Then we started dating and she was so damn happy. My dad and Gus got along so well, and I’d often find them hanging out in the kitchen when I didn’t even know Gus was over, talking about movies or building cabinets or hiking.

  Like with Monty, Gus had been absorbed into my family and I didn’t remember a time when he wasn’t around.

  “
Earth to Tessa” she said, waving her hand in front of the screen. I’d drifted off.

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  She leaned closer and I could tell she was studying my face. “Are you sure there’s not something you want to talk about? You’ve been off in the clouds today. More than normal.”

  “Thanks,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “You know what I mean. I love your clouds head.”

  “Okay, that sounds like an insult.”

  Her face got soft. “It’s not. I love the way you think. Why did you call?”

  “I don’t know. Just wanted to see you and hear your voice. And to get me out of my own head about all this wedding shit.”

  “You don’t have to do it for them, you know. Your wedding should be about you.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, that only works if your family wouldn’t lose their fucking shit if you eloped. I mean, my mom has been planning this damn wedding since the day she saw Gus. We’re her OTP. Is it weird? Yes. But I’m not going to disappoint her. Let her have that day. I mean, it’s the least I can do.”

  Monty was quiet for a little while, her lips pressed together. “You still don’t have to do it for her.”

  “That’s nice to hear, but it’s okay. I’m fine with making myself a little uncomfortable for a day to make my family happy. And there’s Gus’s family to think about too. They also want this. It’ll be fun once we get to the reception.” Not that we had any plans for the reception because we didn’t have any concrete plans for the wedding in the first place. We should probably get on that, but Gus hadn’t brought it up and I’d been waiting for him. Maybe he’d been waiting for me, since I was the bride. Not that either of us was into that whole “the bride must plan everything while the groom ignores it and watches football” kind of thing.

  “I just want you to do it for you.”

  “Well, that’s not how weddings usually are. Were you going to do your wedding for you?” I wasn’t the only one who’d been engaged here.

  “I mean...no. In the end, it wasn’t for me. Looking back, I’m not even sure who it was for. My parents, I guess. Hoping that if I married TJ, they would finally treat me like their daughter and not the child they got stuck with.”