“No. We were done. We’re heading to Roadhouse for some steak.”
April slid a sideways glance to Kieran. “Steak sounds really good.”
I knew the polite thing to do would be to invite her—them, but I didn’t want to.
“You guys can come if you want,” Brant said.
“I’m actually kind of tired,” Kieran answered, his eyes never leaving my face. “You guys go. I’ll catch a nap.”
I swallowed hard, unable to remember why what he’d said had made me so angry to begin with. “Don’t watch AHS without me.”
He smiled then, but it was a slow, sad sort of expression. “Never.”
“April and I can run to Roadhouse and get carryout,” Brant offered.
I was starting to think he was the devil.
“Would you? Man, that sounds great,” Kieran said.
“I—” April broke off.
“You can help carry.” He opened the passenger door before sliding in the driver’s seat. “Come here,” he said to me.
I leaned over and stuck my head through the window. “What?”
“Fix your shit.” He kissed me and then whispered in my ear again. “Whether you want to fuck us both or not is irrelevant. You guys have baggage from earlier. Get rid of it. For all our sakes, okay?”
He was right. I needed to be a grown up, which really wasn’t anywhere near as cool as it was cracked up to be. “Yeah,” I agreed. “And uh, bring me some of those rolls with the honey cinnamon butter.”
“You got it, gorgeous.” He winked.
And it reminded me of April’s party at The Rooster, when Kieran winked at me and my life as I knew it was launched on its ass.
April got in the car reluctantly and mouthed “We need to talk.”
Probably, but I didn’t want to.
What could I say to her, anyway? I certainly didn’t want to hear what she had to say.
Brant pulled out of the driveway before I could say anything anyway.
Suddenly I felt naked and exposed.
I didn’t want to be alone with him because it meant facing that we’d crossed a line. I knew we’d crossed it, but if neither of us acknowledged it aloud, maybe we could uncross it. Or at least ignore it until things were back to normal.
I wanted them to be normal, right? Because maybe Kieran was a fantasy best left as the path I didn’t take. What if I fell in love with him, and I was just another notch on Finn McCool’s bedpost?
Or what if I was the pity fuck? That was even worse. I imagined him closing his eyes while he was on top of me and thinking about god and country so I didn’t kick him out.
How could I be so stupid?
“Do you want to start, or should I?” he said.
I closed my eyes, as if not looking at him could somehow drown out the cacophony in my head and all the things he was going to say that I didn’t want to hear.
“You.”
“Will you at least look at me, Claire?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I took a deep breath to steady myself. “I’m afraid of what I’ll see.”
“You didn’t mind looking at me earlier when you were grinding on Brant.”
“That’s not fair. I didn’t expect you home.”
“Neither did you bother to stop.”
“Would you have?” My eyes were still closed.
“Not a chance.”
“Well, then.” What else could I say to that?
“Claire, look at me.”
The pads of his fingertips were warm on my jaw and he tilted my face up and my eyelashes fluttered—eyes opening against my better judgment.
“Was that so hard?” His voice was gentle.
“Yes.” My stupid lip quivered.
“I’m sorry.”
That wasn’t what I expected. “For what?”
“For earlier. I shouldn’t have said that to you. Can you forgive me and we’ll forget about it and move on?”
This was what I thought I wanted, but it couldn’t be that easy. Not for me, anyway. I’d pick it to death forever unless there was some real resolution. “It wasn’t what you said. It was that it was Finn saying it and not you.”
“Finn is me.”
“Is he? Because all this time, I thought Kieran was someone else. I thought Finn was a character you made up, and you get to play at being him.”
His shoulders sagged. “That’s because I wanted you to think I’m a better man than I am.”
I was torn. His words cut me, but they pissed me off too. I was pissed for him, pissed that he’d lied to me…only, those moments of quiet that were just us, that afternoon I’d spent in his arms, that wasn’t a lie. That was real.
“You just broke my heart,” I whispered. “You made me think that our friendship was special. That it was something different.”
“So did you. How do you think it felt to realize that you weren’t just watching the show, but me. Me!” he snarled. “And then you left with Brant anyway.”
“You wanted me to!” He’d set me up with him, for fuck’s sake.
“No, Claire. That changed everything.”
“What did?” I didn’t understand.
“The way you watched me.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “I always thought I was more to you than pretty meat. That’s all this is.” He pointed down at his body. “It’s just meat. It doesn’t matter. We were more.”
“And less.”
“And less,” he repeated quietly.
“It was just a dance.”
“But it gave me hope that you finally saw something more in me. It killed me that you saw me like everyone else, but it meant maybe things would go to the next level.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted?” I cried.
“Because I figured if you wanted me, you’d say so.”
“That’s what I thought about you.”
“I don’t think you realize how everyone else sees you, Claire. You’re like this force of nature. You don’t ever scale a mountain in your path, you barrel through it and no one is going to stop you.”
I laughed. “I thought out of everyone, you’d see through my hype. That’s all it is. I’m faking it until I make it, Kieran. I’d never in a million years think a guy like you could want anything from me but friendship.”
“We’re a fekking pair, aren’t we?”
“Can this be fixed?” I asked.
“Call Brant and tell him you’re not hungry and that he should take April home.” His eyes were dark and full of promise.
In that second, if I said yes, I could have him. I could have Kieran Holt. But at Brant’s expense. I couldn’t hurt him like that.
“I can’t do that.”
“Can’t? You mean you won’t.” His words were practically a growl.
“No, Kieran. I won’t. I won’t call someone I made plans with, someone who is currently buying all of us steak dinners, and tell him that he just spent a hundred dollars for no reason so you can get your dick wet.”
“Is that all you think of me?”
I sighed. “No. Of course not. It’s just, we haven’t hashed anything out. All we did was acknowledge that we’re attracted to each other. And you’re seeing April now. Whether or not that’s what you intended. You said you were coming home alone tonight.” I didn’t mean for it to sound like a reprimand, but it did.
“This isn’t tonight, is it?” he answered.
“That’s what I mean. You’d never be content with just one woman.”
“You like fucking Brant,” he shot back.
“Of course I do. Jesus, what’s not to like? He tells me I’m beautiful, tells me I can have anything in the world that I want, and then proceeds to give it to me. And only me.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Really?” I growled. “Did you just say that to me? You’re the one who set me up with him. If he was a douche, why would you do that? Or are you just sowing conflict where
there was none?”
He grabbed my shoulders. “I just don’t understand why, after two dates, you’d be so quick to trust him.” He looked away and down at his feet. “And me, after five years, you don’t.”
“In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never had a committed relationship.”
“Yes, I have. With you.”
I hated that his words made me warm. They shouldn’t have. “So then what was that conga line of women through your room?”
“They meant nothing to me.”
“So why would give your body to someone who meant nothing to you?”
“You don’t understand.”
“No, Kieran. I don’t.” I shook my head.
“This is it then? You’re picking Brant?”
Fear knifed me. I wasn’t ready for the possibility of us to be over. I’d only just realized it was something that could happen. “I’m not picking anyone. Brant and I—” I didn’t know what we were and I didn’t know how to define it to Kieran. “—I’m not going to treat him badly, Kieran. Not even for you.”
“What would you do for me?” he demanded. “I offered to stop seeing April.”
“But I didn’t ask you to and I’d never ask you to be shitty to her.”
“Maybe you should. Don’t you want to know how far I’ll go for you? You said Brant offered you the world. What was his quest?” I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.
I bit my lip and the sound of my heartbeat thundered in my ears like crashing waves. “You.”
“I’m not sure I understand.” He cocked his head to the side.
Jesus, but he was beautiful. I couldn’t believe I was standing here, having this conversation with him. The hard line of his jaw, the sullen, bad boy set to his mouth, the way his hair swept over his forehead as if it too had something to rebel against.
“He said that the three of us had chemistry together,” I blurted. I hoped he understood the implication, I wasn’t ready to say it out loud.
He blinked owlishly. “Seriously?”
Kieran seemed surprised. “Yeah.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want. I mean… there’s you.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, me. I’m nothing special, lass.”
“Have you looked at yourself?”
“Every day.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “So what’s supposed to happen here? Did he leave so we could get started? This isn’t a porno.”
I giggled, but it wasn’t really funny. “No. He told me to sort my shit and I’m trying.”
“Is it sorted then?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I love you, Claire.”
If anything he’d said before hit me hard, this was a fucking freight train. He loved me, but was he in love with me?
“I love you, too.”
“Then how is Brant even part of the equation?”
“Because I’m afraid.”
He cupped my jaw. “Of what, me?”
No, of me. Of my own failure. Of my own faults. He was just too everything. He was too beautiful, too perfect. He was like the sun and he’d burn me if I got too close, or even stared too long. “You can have any woman you want. So could Brant.” I exhaled, and before I could rethink my word choice, I said, “I’ve got a pretty face, but—”
“But nothing.” He yanked me against him hard. “Do you feel that?”
Oh, I did. I felt his arousal pressed against me and I almost didn’t believe it. “Yes.”
“Who do you think that’s for?”
This was everything I wanted, so why was I holding back? Brant knew I wanted Kieran. I’d told him. I’d told him I didn’t want anything serious as well. So what stopped me?
“I still don’t believe it’s real.”
“You’re happy enough with Brant.”
“I guess because he’s not perfect. Like me. We’re not “traditionally attractive” as some people like to say.”
“Who the fuck says that? There are all sorts of women all over Brant and you’ve always got men looking at you. Maybe you’re not a size two, but who says you have to be?”
I had a prepared rant about societal expectations, advertising, fat-shaming… but it wasn’t any of those things. It was me. I didn’t actually believe I was beautiful. Not deep down.
“Me.” I hated how small and sad I sounded. So pathetic.
His mouth slammed into mine—it was like guerrilla kissing. But it was absolutely everything I’d dreamed it could be.
He made me feel tiny, delicate, and treasured. His mouth was so hard and commanded the kiss like some kind of general. My arms twined around his neck and I couldn’t help thinking he tasted of sweet mint.
And I remembered April carried these super sweet mints her purse. She liked to use them after giving oral.
I broke the kiss and jerked away from him.
“What the hell, Claire?” He looked stunned, his voice was ragged.
“I can’t, I just can’t.”
I fled to my room and slammed the door. I curled up in the middle of my bed waiting for the knock that never came.
10
“Claire, it’s me.” Brant said through the door some time later.
“Come in.”
He had two plastic containers from Roadhouse.
“What happened? I thought you were going to talk to him?”
“Is he here?”
“No, he’s gone. April called a cab.” He shrugged. “I offered to take her home, but she was really upset and wouldn’t even wait inside.”
“I should go talk to her.” I wrapped my arms even more tightly around my knees. I didn’t want to talk to her. For a little bit, I just wanted something to be about me.
“That’s probably the last thing you should do. Because like I said, everyone saw what was between you and Kieran today. Including April.”
I sighed. “Why did he do this?”
“Do you want the honest answer or the answer that will make you feel better?”
I pursed my lips. “Honestly? Neither.”
“What about your steak? You want that?” He pushed it at me on the bed.
“Yes, yes I do.”
“I have to leave in a little while. I need to hit the gym and get ready for work. Are you going to be okay?”
“You are unbelievable. Really. Where is your shining armor? Because I swear you have it.”
“It’s not shining. It’s red. It’s the armor and the noble steed.” He brushed his lips against mine—his kiss so different from Kieran’s. “Don’t change the subject. Are you okay? If you don’t want to talk about what happened, that’s fine, but I need to know that you’re good.”
I nodded. “I’m good. And so are you, much too good to me.”
“You’ve said that before. Don’t you think you deserve to be treated well?”
“There’s treating me well and then there’s you.” I laughed.
“And when it’s time to choose, I hope you remember that.”
If anyone else had said that to me, I’d have felt pressure. Like he was only being nice to me to get something out of me, but I already knew Brant wasn’t that kind of person and it made me feel like an asshole that I couldn’t just forget about Kieran.
But things like this didn’t happen to girls like me.
It was rare to have one man interested, let alone two.
As soon as I had that thought, I wanted to rip it out of my head. How dare I think so lowly of myself? As if all that defined my value as a person was if someone wanted to fuck me?
I was just as bad as everyone else. No, I was worse. Because I put on this face, but it was a lie.
And I was going to hurt someone who didn’t deserve it.
If Kieran and I were meant to be, it would have happened a long time before now. I needed to put him out of my head.
“Will you come by after work tonight?” I asked Brant.
“You know, there’s not much to g
o do when I get off work.” He teased.
“I don’t want to go out. I want to stay in. All night.”
“Oh really?” His grin was adorable and just a little panty-melting. I don’t know why I’d never noticed that all the times before he’d asked me out.
“Yeah, really.” I grabbed his shirt and pulled him toward me for another kiss.
This was good. Brant was good. If I could just stop being a silly bitch, I could be happy.
“Are you sure?”
“Let me show you how sure.” My hands went to the waist of his jeans.
“Your steak is going to be cold.”
“It’ll still be good. After.” I sank to my knees on the carpet and tugged his jeans down to his knees.
He’d gone commando.
Brant’s eyes were dark, glittering with desire and his cock was hard enough to drive nails. I wanted him inside me, but this wasn’t about me. It was about him. I wanted to make him feel all the things he’d done for me. I wanted to give him pleasure with no expectation of anything in return—ecstasy just for the sake of itself.
He allowed me to do as I wished with him, his eyes on my every move, but he kept his palms flat on the bed.
When I’d taken him into my mouth, he whispered a trespass. “What would you do right now if Kieran was here?”
I pulled back from my work. “This isn’t for Kieran. It’s for you. And he’s not here. Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
“What if I told you he was watching us?”
“What if you’re just being perverse?” I tossed back.
“What if I am?”
I sighed. “What’s this about? Do you want to fuck him?” I was trying not to think about Kieran, I wanted to be here with Brant and only Brant.
“Maybe I do.” His expression was intense. “Maybe I have.”
I clenched my thighs together thinking about it. He said the dirtiest things. “Then maybe you should leave me out of it.”
“That’s the thing, Claire. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. And you don’t want to be left out of it.” He pushed his fingers through my hair and pulled me back down to his erection. “You want to be doing this right now and have Kieran taking you from behind.”
“What kind of game are you playing?” Why did this have to be so complicated? This made me so hot and I did want it, but this was for the woman I pretended to be, not the woman I really was.
Hearts on Fire: Romance Multi-Author Box Set Anthology Page 66