In Case You're Curious
Page 1
IN CASE
YOU’RE
CURIOUS
IN CASE
YOU’RE
CURIOUS
WRITTEN BY:
Molly Alderton, Daniela Fellman
Meghan Hilton, Julie LaBarr
Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains
ILLUSTRATED BY:
Meghan Hilton
EDITED BY:
Alison Macklin
Copyright © 2019 by Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Published in the United States by Viva Editions, an imprint of Start Midnight, LLC, 101 Hudson Street, Thirty-Seventh Floor, Suite 3705, Jersey City, NJ 07302.
Printed in the United States.
Cover design: Allyson Fields
Cover illustrations: Meghan Hilton
Illustrations: Meghan Hilton
Text design: Frank Wiedemann
First Edition.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Trade paper ISBN: 978-1-63228-067-1
E-book ISBN: 978-1-63228-123-4
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.
This book is dedicated to the next generation, the youth of today. Your generation has the power to tilt the scales and make the world a better place. A place where all sex is wanted (enthusiastically consensual), a place where people can live openly without fear of discrimination because of who they love or how they identify. A place where people have all the information they need to make the healthiest decision for themselves. And a place where sexuality is valued. We believe in you and we are here for you!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Preface
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE:
“Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much?” And Other Questions About Sex
CHAPTER TWO:
“Can You Break A Penis?” And Other Questions About Anatomy
CHAPTER THREE:
“Do Guys Really Cum In Their Sleep?” And Other Questions About Puberty
CHAPTER FOUR:
“Is Twelve Too Young To Know I’m Bi?” And Other Questions About Sexual Attraction, Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, And Gender Expresssion
CHAPTER FIVE:
“Can You Get an STI from a Toilet Seat ?” and Other Questions About Sexually Transmitted Infections
CHAPTER SIX:
“Do Babies Come Out of the Butt?” and Other Questions About Pregnancy
CHAPTER SEVEN:
“Wait, Condoms Expire?” and Other Questions About Birth Control
CHAPTER EIGHT:
“Why Do Broken Hearts Hurt So Badly?” and Other Questions about Relationships
CHAPTER NINE:
“How Do I Tell My Partner No?” and Other Questions About Consent
Wrap Up
Glossary
Acknowledgments
End Notes
PREFACE
Sex. It’s everywhere. Or at least that’s what people always say. And honestly, it’s not totally untrue—we are surrounded by sex all day, every day. We see sexual images in commercials and sing along without much care to sexual lyrics in our favorite songs. And still, the topic of sex is often hushed, shamed, and policed in ways that other areas of healthcare are not. Sexuality is part of being human and is experienced in every stage of life, so why is it so hard to talk about?
Well, there are countless answers to that question. One major part of the problem lies in how the United States approaches sex education. Most adults think young people are learning everything they need to know about sex, relationships, and their bodies in school. And while we know parents support teaching sex ed in middle and high school, it just isn’t happening.1 Believe it or not, only 24 states and the District of Columbia make schools teach sex education, and of those, only 13 states require the information provided be medically accurate.2 Some states even have laws that dictate whether information provided on topics like sexual orientation is presented in a negative or a positive light.3 There is a noticeable gap between what young people should be learning and what information they are actually receiving in the classroom.
At Planned Parenthood, we have been the trusted provider and advocate of high-quality sexual healthcare for over 100 years, and we are the largest provider of sex education in the nation. And that means when it comes to sex ed, we’ve heard it all: the good, the bad, and the ugly! From comparisons of sexually active people to chewed-up gum or used tape, young people in the United States have gotten some pretty dismal messages about sex and relationships over the past several decades, the sentiment regularly being that sex is unmentionable and often shameful.
But we’re here to help change that! As sex educators, it’s our mission to ensure young people—and all people, really—have access to the information they need, when they need it. We came to this profession because we want all sex to be consensual and pleasurable. We want everyone to be able to make their own decisions about whom they have sex with, and when, and how! We believe all people have the right to access this information free from shame. We believe that a person’s sexual identity, expression, and activity is theirs, and it is deeply personal and unique. Because these beliefs are so intrinsic to who we are, we, the sex educators, pride ourselves on providing open and honest information in a safe and nonjudgmental way. We also recognize that we can’t be everywhere for everyone. Or can we?
As a trusted leader and innovator, Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains launched its textline In Case You’re Curious, or ICYC, in 2009 to do just that—to make ourselves available to young people everywhere. So no matter where a young person lives, they can get real, personalized, confidential answers to their questions about sex and sexuality. And all of this happens exactly where young people are—on their phones! We have real sex educators who are there to answer questions, link to healthcare information, and provide additional resources—all in 160 characters or less.
The sex educators who staff the line are from diverse backgrounds and are highly trained with over 100 years of combined experience teaching sex ed. We work with a number of Planned Parenthood affiliates and health departments across the United States, growing from just 76 incoming and outgoing texts in that first year to over 7,281 texts in 2018. Our goal in providing this service is ensuring we are accessible whenever and wherever we are needed. Staff respond to questions within 24 hours and have thousands of repeat users.
ICYC isn’t a hotline—it’s not intended to be used for emergency situations. But we can help you navigate tough situations. We know there are lots of other really great hotlines out there doing great work (check out the resource in the wrap-up), so our goal is to connect you to those, instead of duplicating them. However, if a texter is under 18 and tells us they are being hurt, hurting someone else, or thinking of hurting themselves, we will report our conversation to police in order to help keep them safe. ICYC is a place where you can be sure you are getting current, nonjudgmental information right on your phone. The service is free (standard text messaging rates apply) and, while marketed specifically for teens, anyone can use it.
So why a book, you might ask? Well, because in the last six years we’ve been running ICYC, we have had over 47,000 new texts, and over 79,000 different interactions/conversations. In those numbers we have seen a lot of people have really similar questions, and we wanted to show folks that having questions is okay. Everyone (
no, really—everyone) has questions about sex and sexuality. That is completely normal. We wanted to show you that you shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask us. That probably, what you are asking about has been asked many times already. That even if you might think it’s a totally bizarre question, we’ve probably heard it.
Like I said, we are sex educators. We are proud of what we do, and we will continue to be here, answering your questions, every day.
Enjoy the book!
Alison Macklin
Author, Making Sense of “It”: A Guide to Sex for Teens (and Their Parents, Too!)
INTRODUCTION
Who’s this book for? Have you ever had questions about sex? Is the book currently in your hands? Then the answer is you!
Welcome to In Case You’re Curious! Teens (and, let’s face it, pretty much all people) have so many questions about their changing bodies, what’s normal, how sex works, and how to have healthy relationships. Have you always wanted to know why broken hearts hurt so bad? Has someone once told you that you can’t get pregnant from precum? Well, you’ve come to the right place (or book)! That’s why we’re here. We have these answers and some you never knew you always wanted to know. Planned Parenthood’s ICYC (In Case You’re Curious) offers teens a confidential text-line where trained sex educators answer questions and connect teens to accurate sexual health information. ICYC has been operating since 2009, and we’ve heard a lot of questions over the years. And, interestingly, many folks out there ask questions about the same stuff. So, we decided to put this book together.
This book represents some of the most commonly asked questions we get. But, lucky for you, here we aren’t limited to 160 characters in our answers! The information we are providing is basic and a quick reference. It isn’t meant to replace having conversations with your family or doing further research. It is meant to help answer some of those private questions that maybe you don’t want to ask your parent, teacher, or friends. Maybe you do want to ask those people, but you aren’t sure how to get the conversation started. This book can help with that, too! We’ve also included some not-so-common questions to show you that no question is off-limits. All questions about sexual health are welcome at ICYC!
WHY SHOULDN’T I JUST SEARCH THE INTERNET FOR THESE ANSWERS?
While the Internet does provide lots of answers to these questions and more, it can often take a lot of digging around, and you can’t always be sure that the information you’re getting is reliable or true. All the questions in this book have been answered by trained Planned Parenthood sex educators with up-to-date information (as of time of publishing). We strive to make our answers inclusive and free of stigma. It is a goal of ICYC to be a resource that supports people in making decisions about their sexual health. We believe trusting people with accurate information can empower them to make the best decisions throughout their lifetime.
SO, AFTER READING THIS BOOK WILL I
BE AN EXPERT?
ICYC answers are a great starting point. However, it would be impossible to cover all there is to know about sex and sexual health in one book. So, as you read, know that some of these answers are just the beginning.
More importantly, sex is different for everyone. Your definition of “expert” might be wildly different than someone else’s definition of “expert.” Sex is a subject people have a lot of different values, opinions, and thoughts on. This book is meant to be informative, but should never take the place of you figuring out what is or isn’t right for you. So, take care of yourself while you’re reading; maybe read while you’re in a bubble bath, with friends, or while listening to your favorite playlist. We know not everyone has had control around their sexual experiences, and we want to be sensitive to this. In our Wrap Up section, we provide resources for supporting you with what you’re going through. Whether it’s connections to mental health services or quizzes to help you decide which birth control is best for you, ICYC is here for you.
WHOM SHOULD I TALK TO ABOUT THIS STUFF?
Great question! Throughout this book you will see mention of “trusted adults.” Trusted adults can be any adults in your life you feel safe and comfortable having these conversations with. Some examples of trusted adults could be:
Parents/guardians/caregivers/other family members
Teachers
Coaches
Doctors/clinicians
Youth group leaders
Family friends
And so many others
ICYC also encourages talking with partners and friends, but sometimes having a grownup with advice can be helpful in navigating the confusing world of growing up.
OKAY, ANYTHING ELSE I NEED TO KNOW BEFORE READING?
A couple housekeeping items. The first is to address some of the language we use in this book. Our questions were kept the way we received them. You might notice slang terminology, misspelled words, or incorrect grammar. We work with young people, young people ask us questions—it makes sense that their voices be present in the book.
We use the terms “person with a penis” and “person with a vagina” in our answers instead of male, female, guy, girl, etc. We use this language because not every person who has a penis identifies as male, and not every person with a vagina identifies as female (you will learn more about this in Chapter 6). At ICYC we care a lot about people getting the best information for their bodies, and so we talk very directly about those body parts and what they need to be safe and healthy. As you’re reading through the book, there may be terms or words you haven’t heard of before. Any word you come across that is bolded can be found with its definition in the glossary at the back of the book.
We also want people to know that their bodies can look many different ways, so—spoiler alert—there are lots of drawings of vulvas, vaginas, penises… Oh my!
All right, now that we’ve got the who, the what, and the why out of the way, you can go on and enjoy the book. At ICYC we take sex education very seriously, but it’s our hope that you find some fun, comfort, and information in the pages of this book. And if you don’t find your question or you come up with new questions, we are always happy to answer when you text “ICYC?” to 57890.
CHAPTER ONE
“CAN YOU DIE FROM MASTURBATING TOO MUCH?”
AND OTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX
WHEN WILL I BE READY [TO HAVE SEX]?
Deciding if and when to have sex can be a big decision that’s very personal. Connecting with someone romantically, emotionally, and/or physically can be really amazing. There isn’t a perfect checklist to make sure a person’s ready for sex, but here are some things to consider that might help you decide. Do you feel comfortable talking with your partner about your boundaries, including what you want and don’t want to do sexually? Have you thought about what type of protection to use and made sure you know how to use it properly? What would you do if a pregnancy happened or an STI was passed? Do you trust your partner to respect your needs? Do you feel confident in your decision? Think about it, make sure you feel comfortable, and don’t ever feel like you have to do anything you’re not ready for.
People have sex for many reasons! some people have sex because it feels good physically. Others might have sex to feel closer to their partner emotionally, to have a baby, to relax, to release stress, or to even exercise. Whatever the reason, it’s important that it’s their choice. For some people, sex is a really big deal, and for other people, it just isn’t. You get to decide how important it is in your life.
HOW DOES SEX FEEL?
How sex feels is different for everyone. Some people think sex is amazing, and some people have no interest in sex or don’t like it. The reason it can feel great is because the parts of the body that are being used have thousands of nerve endings. Those nerve endings tell the brain what feels good and what doesn’t. Sex can also release chemicals in the brain that can create feelings of happiness and relaxation. Everyone likes different things, and you get to choose what you want to do. Talking about likes and disl
ikes with a partner can help make sure sex is as enjoyable as possible.
The term “virgin” means different things to different people. ICYC defines sex as oral, anal, or vaginal. Because the term “virgin” does not have a medical definition, it is up to each person to define what virginity means for themselves. It’s important to remember that no matter how a person defines “virginity,” there is no shame in being a virgin or not being a virgin—each person’s individual choice about sexuality is personal and normal. If someone chooses to have any type of oral sex, it’s important to remember that, while oral sex cannot cause a pregnancy, it can spread STIs, so using condoms can help reduce that risk.
Well, what about a tampon? Again, ICYC defines sex as oral, anal, and vaginal. Using a tampon isn’t a type of sex. If this answer doesn’t match your understanding of virginity, that’s okay, too. There are also other products a person can use if they are on their period and don’t want to put anything inside their vagina.
It doesn’t matter what relationship status someone has—each person gets to decide if they want to use protection or not. If a person decides they no longer want to use protection, they need to talk to their partner about that decision. It is not okay to make a decision about stopping protection without telling your partner. Even when two people are married, they may choose to continue to use protection to avoid pregnancies or to protect against the transmission of STIs. Remember, some STIs cannot be cured, and that doesn’t change after you get married! Other couples may choose to use protection off and on depending on whether they’re ready for pregnancy. Each couple will need to talk about the risks and decide what works best for their relationship.