A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5

by Murphy, A. E.

  He’s definitely jealous. I climb onto his lap, straddling his thighs with my shins. “He’s away, like I said. Anyway, you don’t have to worry. I only have eyes for you.”

  “Pretty sure you said the same thing to him once upon a time.”

  We both freeze at his words, my entire body feels like lead and his is the same beneath me.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, it was a bad joke, a really bad joke,” Mason rushes, trying to fix the damage he just did. “I swear.”

  “It’s okay, you’re bound to be nervous, you’re going away for like three months.” I stroke his buzzed head and kiss his lips. “I did cheat on him with you after all. So what’s to say I won’t cheat on you with somebody else?”

  His gaze darkens. “You better not, Summer. Not while my kid is in you.”

  “I’m not stupid,” I snap, climbing off him and placing my hands on my hips. “We have a good thing going, I’m not ruining that. I didn’t cheat on Chris with you because Chris and I were fucking happy.”

  “I know that, but it doesn’t make me any less paranoid.” He laces his fingers behind his head. “Fuck feeling like this. This is why I don’t do long-term relationships. I hate feeling like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

  “I didn’t ask you to be in a relationship with me, in fact I asked you not to be!” I shout, feeling my anger rise. “I’m not forcing you to be with me, Chris.” Oh shit. “I mean… Mason. I meant Mason.” Well I just fucked that argument up. There’s no way I’m winning this one now.

  We’re having our first argument and it has only been three days, this isn’t a promising development.

  “I’m not Chris, I’ll never be Chris.”

  “I know. I’m just used to saying his name is all and we were just talking about him.” I close my eyes to gather my composure. “I’m sorry for calling you Chris and I’m sorry that you feel paranoid.”

  “It is whatever,” he grumbles and throws his hands up in the air. “I wish you didn’t have to see him, not yet.”

  “Me too but I am still his wife and he hasn’t asked me this before.”

  Mason’s eyes narrow, a muscle ticks in his jaw. He’s sexy when he’s irritated. “And what if it’s a ploy to get you back?”

  “When he finds out I’m pregnant he’s going to change his tune, Mase.” I move to him and press my forehead to his throat. “Let’s not fight, we literally only have four more days together. If we can’t make it a week without fighting when we still hardly know each other then what hope do we have long term and long distance?”

  Following a heavy sigh, he admits, “You’re right. I’m sorry.” His arms come around me and hold me tight. “I guess I just like the thought of you staying mine. I don’t remember ever feeling this possessive and nervous over somebody.”

  “That’s my fault for being a massive whore bag.”

  “You shouldn’t have to ever apologize to me for that. We made that choice together. This is now, this is new, this is us and we have nothing to do with your past marriage.”

  “Exactly,” I agree happily and smile at him when I lean back. “We’re us. We’re new. We’re also having a baby. I think our relationship is way more important than any other at this point.”

  “Agreed. No more stress, it’s not good for you. Tell your ex that you’re mine and be done with it.”

  “He already knows that, remember? I told him the day after the fight with Lucas.”

  “Right, which means he’s either calling you to weasel his way back in, or he’s genuinely moving on and just wants to set things right. I’ve got money on the former. I’ll break his nose if he touches you.”

  I roll my eyes. “Okay, big guy.”

  “Don’t say it like that, you sound like my sister when she calls Jacob special.”

  I throw my head back and laugh. “Well, he certainly is that, isn’t he?”

  He smiles this time, and everything feels okay again.

  “What did you do today? You weren’t gone long.”

  “Just a quick coffee with Jacob, he’s working the day I go so he won’t get to say goodbye.”

  I smile sadly. “Are you sure it’s okay that I stay here while you’re away?”

  “It’ll be a massive help, Summer. It’s a purely selfish offer.”

  Laughing gently again, I lean in to kiss him, loving that I can just do that without implications now.

  “Let’s fuck and then eat,” he states simply against my lips.

  “Deal.”

  “Stop bouncing your knee,” I hiss at Mason.

  He’s looking at the other women in the room, women at all stages of pregnancy. He’s nervous and I see the partners of the pregnant women give him sympathetic glances.

  “Sorry,” he mutters and stands, looping his hands around the back of his head. He stretches from side to side, twisting his torso this way and that. His T-shirt rises showing a line of dark hair that leads to a place only I’m allowed to explore.

  It’s totally normal to get turned on by that no matter where I am, I decide.

  “Is it our turn yet?”

  I roll my eyes. “I know as much as you do.”

  He walks to a wall full of cards that offer the different doctors their thanks and love. Some have pictures attached of the babies. So cute.

  He glances at me and smiles nervously. I wonder what he’s thinking about, this is the first time I’ve seen him so on edge.

  “You okay?”

  Looking around us at the half-full waiting area, he decides not to answer and instead takes the seat beside me again and bounces his leg.

  I snort and rest my head against his muscular shoulder.

  “Everything is going to be fine,” I whisper.

  “Shouldn’t I be telling you that?” he grumbles, pouting like a little boy. “I’m sorry, Summer, it’s all getting a bit real. I’m freaking out.”

  “Me too,” I respond as a door on the far-left wall of the peach-colored room opens.

  “Mrs. Barnes?”

  I stand up, feeling giddy and nervous. Mason follows, looking equally nervous.

  He takes my hand and leads me past a small table full of building blocks. I shuffle on, swallowing as I pray that everything is okay with the baby.

  After seeing what Loryn went through I am of course terrified, though I won’t show it. Not while Mason looks so anxious himself.

  I hope he’s anxious because he’s worried about the health, and not hoping for a lack thereof. Maybe he’s hoping the pregnancy will end itself, so he doesn’t have to continue.

  I mentally slap myself for such vile thoughts, my own anxiety is putting them in my head. Mason would never think like that.

  “Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, Dr. Bala.” I shake the woman’s hand, noticing how pale my skin is against hers in contrast. It’s what we call ginger-people skin. I look deathly ill compared to her gorgeous, burnt-cinnamon complexion.

  “I have a soft spot for military couples, it wasn’t a hardship squeezing you in,” she tells us with a soft smile and a heavy Bronx accent. “Thank you for your service, Mr. Barnes.”

  “Oh, no, actually it’s Smith. Mason Smith.” He shakes her hand too.

  “I haven’t legally changed my name,” I explain, feeling my cheeks heat as Dr. Bala leads me to the bed that’s almost in the center of the peach room. Whoever designed this place really appreciated peach. “I’m getting a divorce.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “I’m not,” Mason jests, winking at me.

  I snort and look at the doctor. “I’m sorry that it’s complicated.”

  “It’s not at all, how about I call you Summer and Mason and we leave surnames out of it, hmm?”

  “Perfect,” Mason agrees and kisses my hand.

  We run through a series of questions, when was my last period, how am I feeling, any symptoms or cravings, etcetera. When they’re done, she helps me roll up my top and stuffs a piece of
blue tissue-like paper over the waistband of my jeans.

  “Is it normal to not have morning sickness?” Mason asks as Dr. Bala squirts cool jelly onto my stomach.

  “She could be too early for it yet. Normally we don’t do the first scan until the twelfth week, but let’s see what we can find in here.” Her voice is quiet, and the room goes dark when she presses a button on the side of the bed. The small screen that faces her is our only source of light. The thick drapes block out the sun except for a tiny sliver of shine at the edges. “Oh my.”

  My hand in Mason’s aches as we both tighten our grip on each other.

  “Is everything okay?” I ask as she rolls the thing over my belly.

  “Oh yes.” She seems to snap herself out of her stupor and finally turns the screen our way.

  I see a gray static surrounding a black circle which I know is my womb.

  “Well.” She rolls the thing to the right and clicks on the machine. “Here’s baby one.” She highlights the tiny bean with a flickering heartbeat with a white square that the machine mouse creates when she clicks and drags. “Perfectly sized.”

  Mason and I smile at each other and keep smiling at each other.

  That is until she announces, “Aaaand, here’s baby two.”

  “What?” both Mason and I bark together. My heart stops. I’m dead. Is that possible?

  “You’re having twins,” she states simply and then smiles at us brightly. “Congratulations.”

  My face is numb. I can’t breathe. I’m pretty sure I’m dead.

  “Can you just… umm… check that again?” Mason suggests, pointing at the second little bean with his forefinger. “Make sure it’s not like, the gas of the other one farting.”

  “Gas doesn’t have a heartbeat, Mason,” I remind him.

  He looks petrified, the whites of his eyes gleam in the light of the screen. He audibly gulps. “Two babies?”

  “Definitely two,” she confirms, finding his reaction amusing. “Are you okay, Summer?”

  “No,” I admit. “I don’t want two babies. I want one baby. And then a second in a couple of years when the novelty of the first one has worn off.”

  “Yeah, what she said,” Mason confirms.

  Dr. Bala howls with laughter but then sobers. “I’m sorry, that was unprofessional. You’re both so funny.”

  I disagree.

  “Do twins run in your family?”

  “He’s a fraternal twin, he has a twin sister.”

  “My mom’s an identical twin,” Mason mutters.

  My heart starts beating at a rapid pace. “And you didn’t think to tell me?”

  He cringes. “My gran’s a twin too. Identical. Like my mom.”

  “What?” My voice is a high-pitched squeak. “Why didn’t you warn me?”

  “I was hoping if I didn’t say it, it wouldn’t manifest.”

  “That’s not how conception works, dummy!” I smack his hand away and look at the doctor. “Okay, I’m okay. I mean, I’m not okay. Is the baby okay? Babies I mean?”

  “Perfectly healthy, you’re around eight weeks and one day.”

  “No, that’s not right. She’s six and a half weeks,” Mason states, stiffening.

  “That could be right too, we add two weeks so the due date is calculated from the date of the last period.”

  He looks at me. “That’s cutting it real close to when you left, Summer.”

  “We had sex real close to when I left,” I snap, offended that he’s questioning me.

  There’s no way it can be Chris’ baby. Can it?

  We had sex, but then I got my period the next day, it wasn’t a heavy period, but it was a period. So, it’s impossible. And then I went to Maya’s and then I slept with Mason.

  “They’re twins, what are the chances of them not being yours?”

  “Would you guys like a moment?” Dr. Bala asks, looking concerned.

  He looks torn, his usual easygoing aura now a dim light around him. “Don’t twins measure small in the beginning?”

  “They can, but by a few days, and like I said, we add two weeks on.”

  “I didn’t even come inside Summer,” Mason says, sounding slightly angry. “And you don’t look so sure yourself. Is there any chance at all that these babies are Chris’?”

  When I don’t answer he curses and moves away from me. Dr. Bala squeezes my arm supportively.

  “I got my period,” I say to them both whipping my head from side to side. “I definitely got my period.”

  “Is that normal? Is it possible she bled during pregnancy?”

  Dr. Bala hesitates to answer but when she does my heart drops to my stomach. “It’s possible to bleed in the beginning of a pregnancy, more so with a twin pregnancy. Light spotting isn’t irregular but if it does happen you must call me straight away.”

  Mason doesn’t reply, he just sits on a chair to the side of the room and waits for Dr. Bala to finish our consultation. She tells me the best vitamins to take and hands me a bag full of pamphlets, wishes me good luck, and sends me on my way with tiny sonogram pictures and a very annoyed Mason.

  “Mason,” I plead as I follow him out of the office and onto the street.

  I grab his arm, ignoring the looks of people who are passing. I hate it when people don’t mind their business.

  “Mason, please.” I tug on his arm until he finally stops and looks at me with dull gray eyes. “They’re twins. They’re obviously yours.”

  “We don’t know that. We couldn’t possibly know that.” He turns back and keeps on stomping forward, straight to the car he borrowed from Marie. I climb into the passenger side, strapping myself in while fighting tears.

  “I was taking my pill, I only stopped when I left home and that’s only because I accidentally left them behind,” I cry. “They can’t be Chris’ babies. There’s no way.”

  Starting the engine, he peels out of the space and takes us home without saying a single thing. We claim our usual spot and I follow him in, fighting the urge to throw something at him.

  “Please talk to me, tell me you believe me,” I beg. I’m not above begging. I just need him to be happy with me and not like this. “You’re being extremely unfair.”

  “No, Summer, I’m terrified,” he yells, turning on me as soon as the door is closed behind me, his face is red, his eyes bulging with anger, a vein throbs in his neck. I press my back against the glossy wood. I’d like to say I’m not scared but Chris never shouted at me like this, it’s new territory for me. When he notices my fear he curses and softens immediately. “Fuck, babe, I’m sorry. I’m just… I was starting to look forward to being a dad and being with you and this… it has thrown me for a loop. I wasn’t expecting it.”

  I open my mouth, close it, open it, and then shove him with both hands. He moves out of my way and I stomp past him and to the bedroom.

  “Today should have been the best day ever,” I seethe. No longer feeling scared, just irritable. “And you fucked it up with your petulant, moany bullshit. I know these babies are yours. There isn’t a doubt in my mind, and evidence suggests there shouldn’t be a doubt in yours either!”

  I grab my empty suitcase from beneath the wooden frame and throw it onto the bed. It bounces on the mattress, a hollow space within its confines, like my heart.

  I can feel him watching me from the doorway, eyes scrutinizing my every move.

  “You know what I think? You’re not scared of them not being yours, you’re terrified that they are!” I grab a handful of my clothes from the drawers in the closet and throw them into the bag.

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “I’m leaving,” I reply haughtily. “You ruined my fucking day.”

  “No, you’re not,” he states, sounding wary, weary, and calm. “You’re not going anywhere.”

  “You can’t force me to stay. Especially not when you think I’m lying to you about the paternity of the spawn in my stomach.”

  He comes up behind me as I’m
grabbing my underwear in a messy pile and places both of his hands on my stomach. “You’re right, I’m being a fucking idiot.”

  “Double the fucking idiot and you’ll be right again.”

  He chuckles into my hair and then nuzzles my neck. “I’m panicking here. Twins… fuck… Summer… that’s a lot of babies to take care of.”

  “Considering I’ll probably be doing most of it alone, I completely agree.” I turn in his arms and lean back against the drawers. “You’re an ass, Mason Smith. I’m really annoyed with you right now.”

  He bends and lifts me until my legs are wrapped around his hips. “Yeah, I deserve it, but still… for a moment there I thought I was about to lose it all. It’s not because I wanted to lose it all.”

  “I hope that’s true.”

  “It is, I’m starting to get excited, that’s all. Well… maybe less so now that there are two of them. Do you have any idea the kind of shit Marie and I got up to as kids? Twins… fuck. Twins.” He looks horrified and my anger starts to float away. I suppose it was a shock for both of us but that doesn’t excuse his actions.

  I smile and hold him tight as he carries me to the bed. “I can imagine.”

  “We were fucking wild. I’m not even kidding.”

  “We’ll manage.”

  “I know, but still…”

  “At least they’ll always have someone to play with.”

  “And try to murder every day.”

  I smack his arm. “Don’t scare me.”

  He gives me a pointed look, his eyes still conveying his fear. “Oh, I’m being serious. I pushed Marie down the stairs and she broke her wrist. She threw me in a river and I nearly drowned. I ran her over with my toddler Jeep and she had to have stitches. She strapped me into a buggy when we were playing mommies and daddies, I was the baby, she was the mommy and the daddy, and then she pushed me down the hill behind our house. I landed face-first in a ditch and it took Dad twenty minutes to find me because Marie wouldn’t tell him where I was.”

  My lips purse as I try not to laugh, and then cry, and then laugh, because that’s so funny. But then it’s also my future.

  He plants me on the bed beside my open suitcase and shoves that onto the floor. “I’m terrified. This isn’t funny.”