A Little Bit of Guilt: Little Bits #5

by Murphy, A. E.

  His tone becomes deep, one of warning as he instructs, “Remember what I said about the furniture.”

  “Of course, no lifting stuff myself. I won’t. I’m terrified I’m going to do something to hurt them. Twin pregnancies are so high-risk. I wish you were here going through this with me.”

  “Me too,” he mumbles solemnly, “it’s hard knowing you’re so far away. You should be able to rely on me.” Somebody speaks to him in the background and he responds a non-committal okay. “I’ve got to go soon. They need the line.”

  “But… it’s been weeks since we last spoke.”

  “I know.” He releases a heavy breath. “I promise, when I get home I’ll stay home.”

  “Until the babies are born?”

  “Definitely until then.”

  My heart starts hammering painfully in my chest. “But then you’ll have to leave me again, won’t you? Me and the twins.”

  He hesitates, a long silence settles between us. “We’ll discuss it when I’m back.”

  “Mason…”

  “This is my job, Summer. My life. I’m contracted. I have to be where I’m told to go. You know this. It’s not a life that everyone can handle but it’s my life regardless.”

  I close my eyes for a moment as I consider a future I’m now trapped to. A future I’m not sure I want. Can I handle my partner, the father of my kids, being away for half the year? How do other women cope?

  I don’t want to second-guess myself because it’s not like I can change anything, but I just need some reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

  “Summer?”

  “I’m here, I’m just processing.”

  “I’ll be home before you know it.”

  “Mason?” I call before he can hang up. The thought of not speaking to him again for weeks is too painful to bear. Perhaps I feel more for him than he does for me. That’s a dangerous platform to dance on alone.

  “Yes, Summer?”

  I wet my lips. “Do you think I’m the kind of person you could fall in love with?”

  “What?” He sounds so startled by the question.

  “I guess I’m just… I dunno… I guess all this talk of the future has me wondering if you’re settling because of our circumstances.”

  There’s more silence before finally, “You’re asking me to see the future?”

  “No, I’m asking you if I’m the type of woman you think you could fall for. Or if you’re with me purely out of obligation.”

  He laughs but it’s a nervous laugh. “I feel like this is the kind of question meant to trap me into saying the wrong thing.”

  “I’m not trying to trap you into anything. I’m just scared. You’re exactly the kind of guy I could fall for. But if you don’t feel the same way about me… maybe we shouldn’t be trying to have a romantic relationship at all.”

  “Romantic relationship? I’m thousands of miles away, Summer. What the fuck is romantic about our relationship?” he snaps in a way he has never snapped at me before. “You want to go find stability with somebody else, fucking go. This is the exact reason I do not date and the exact reason I wasn’t ready to have kids yet.”

  My lips part at his words, my heart ricochets with pain. “What? I didn’t… I didn’t mean anything by it…”

  “Whatever, Summer. I have to go. I don’t have the patience for this shit.” The line goes dead, leaving me teary eyed and reeling with anger.

  I just wanted reassurance that I’m good enough, that I’m what he wants.

  I look around the empty, better decorated apartment that I’ve been trying so hard to make into a cozy home.

  I’m trying to excuse him and say he’s stressed, away from home and I asked the wrong questions… but did I?

  Of course I did. I was asking him to see into the future. I think. I don’t know. When I looked at Mason before I saw the kind of man who I could probably spend forever with. Does he not look at me and feel the same? Does he not think I’m a good woman? Marriage material? Not that I’m looking to get married yet but here I am, living in his house, having his babies… does he not feel like I might become the one for him?

  Of course he doesn’t, you cheated on your ex-husband with him, my guilt tells me, niggling at me, destroying my confidence. He is never going to trust you. He is never going to give you his heart because look what you did to Chris.

  “Shut up,” I hiss at myself and toss my phone onto the sofa beside me.

  My hand rolls over my stomach and then to the tight waistband of my jeans. I need to invest in some new clothing.

  You know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

  I’m not going to dwell on this, at least not while I have no control over it. Truth be told I want to cry and be mad at Mason but what is the point? I could send him a hundred angry emails but he probably wouldn’t even read them.

  So I’m going to call my girls and go shopping.

  Right after I stop crying and snotting everywhere. Right after I find the strength to actually not feel so fucking saddened by the way he just spoke to me.

  I pick up my phone and put it to my ear.

  “Yellow?”

  “Your brother hates me,” I sob, gasping unattractively in between each word. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and hiccup.

  “Oh dear.”

  “I just asked him if he thinks he could love me one day…”

  “And he said no?” Marie asks, sounding amused. “Stop sniffling. You sound ugly.”

  “Marie!” I whine and blow my nose into a tissue I grabbed from a little wooden box on the coffee table. “You can’t tell me I’m ugly.”

  “You’re a really ugly crier, Summer. I can totally tell you that.”

  “You’re an absolute cunt.”

  “Yeah, probably.”

  I calm myself and breathe steadily. “He said this is why he doesn’t date.”

  “Mason gets… he gets in moods when he goes away. You’ve got to remember he can’t let his guard down, he has to be battle ready at all times. He changes, completely. That’s why I told you to go easy on him, keep the conversations light.”

  “But—”

  “It’s also why I told you I don’t talk to him over the phone, because he sounds different and I don’t like it.”

  “But—”

  “So what brand of ice cream do you want? I was bored anyway. Wanna go out for cookie dough? I’m feeling a cheat day.”

  I nod once. “Cookie dough sounds really good.”

  “Okay, get ready, stop sobbing, I’ll be there in half an hour.”

  “Love you, Marie.”

  “Ugh, mushy… gross.” The line goes dead but at least I’m smiling now. She always knows the right thing to say.

  I’m not an ugly crier though. She’s wrong about that.

  I think.

  Summer: Am I an ugly crier?

  Loryn: Of course not!

  Maya: I mean… kinda. You do this thing with your mouth, it’s kind of like a wailing frog or something.

  Olivia: Haven’t seen you cry, babe. Why?

  Chris: Who is this?

  Oh my God…

  Approximately an hour later.

  “I FORGOT TO REMOVE CHRIS FROM MY FAVORITES LIST AND I ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED HIM AND NOW IM CATFISHING HIM BY ACCIDENT!”

  “What?” Marie asks, looking perplexed and disturbed by my wailing.

  “I have a favorites list in my phonebook, so I can send the same message to you bitches without having to do it one at a time, right?”

  “And Chris was in the list?” When I nod she goes cross-eyed. “Summer, you’re a fucking nightmare.”

  I show her my phone. “I lied and said Cindy.”

  “Who the fuck is Cindy?”

  “I DON’T KNOW, I PANICKED!”

  “Okay, okay,” she says around a laugh as her thumb scrolls through the messages. “Calm down. It’s all good. Just stop texting him.”

  “I did.”

  “After two pages fu
ll of you convincing him where you gave him your number…” She looks at me with a raised brow and a smirk.

  “Right? But look, I said we exchanged numbers a year ago and look at his reply!”

  She scrolls back up and her mouth drops open.

  “You see it?”

  “Oh, I see it…” She blinks slowly. “Oh, honey… I’m so sorry.”

  “He was with other women while we were together.”

  “That’s what it looks like. How else can you interpret, the girl from Rhode Island?”

  I pout for a moment as she keeps reading. “I explained to him that I accidentally sent the same message to everybody in my contact list, he seemed to believe it easily enough. Do you think… do you think he fucked her? Whoever this girl is whose name he doesn’t know?”

  Marie sighs gravely. “If he did would it matter?”

  “Yes!” I cry. “Of course it would. It would mean he was not only treating me like shit but also screwing around on our marriage, and our engagement, and before that too probably.”

  Marie hands me back my phone and pulls on her blonde ponytail. “You’ve got to let it go, you’re both done.”

  “I want to know though. I really do. Because then I won’t feel so bad.”

  “He’s never going to admit it, you know that, right? He’s desperate for another chance with you.”

  I grimace. “Still?”

  “Yep. He called me last night.”

  I blink twice. “He’s tenacious.”

  “He’s a fucking asshole is what he is. Block his number, don’t contact him anymore.”

  Nodding, I tuck my phone into my pocket and head into the bathroom to freshen up. “Let’s go and get cookie dough.”

  “Let’s do it.”

  Chris: Do you still live in Kingstown?

  I haven’t been able to stop looking at the message all day. There was one thing I was never worried about while Chris and I were together, and that was infidelity. It never entered my mind. I had him on such a pedestal.

  I need to know. I remember him going to Rhode Island, I can’t remember exactly where but I know he went to advertise something for the company he was working for. He went with his friends from work and left me at home even though I wanted to go. He said it was a guys thing. That I didn’t have to worry and I didn’t worry, not about him cheating.

  Now I need to know. I really need to know. So, three hours after Marie left, while I’m in bed with a mug of hot cocoa that I wish was vodka, I decide to reply.

  Cindy: No, I moved to Portsmouth about five months ago. It’s not as nice, but there’s more to do.

  Chris: I know Portsmouth. I haven’t been in such a long time.

  Cindy: You should come again sometime? We could continue where we left off.

  Chris: Sounds good. I’ll see if I can get some time off work.

  Cindy: It was an amazing night… from what I remember anyway.

  Chris: You weren’t that drunk. Were you?

  Oh my God. I feel sick.

  I inhale through my nose and my hands tremble as I raise my phone again.

  Cindy: You made me come, so definitely not. Not an easy task when I’ve had a drink.

  Chris: I’m glad you at least remember that part. ;-)

  “MOTHERFUCKER!” I scream and pull a pillow over my head so I can scream louder. “You cock-sucking, goddamn, whore-fucking, dick-shitting, motherfucking, slut-prick fucker!”

  My heart is breaking, I know I don’t have a right to feel any pain because I cheated too. But this… fuck. It hurts so badly.

  I screenshot the messages and send them to Maya and Marie along with the message,

  I guess Chris and I are even now. Seeing as he fucking cheated on me first.

  Marie: That’s confirmation if I ever saw it.

  Maya: I did not see that coming…

  Summer: Me neither.

  Maya: You okay?

  Summer: Am I allowed to not be?

  Maya: Hell yes, you’re allowed to not be okay. But at least now you have closure.

  Summer: Yep. That we are well and truly over.

  Maya: Are you going to fight him for the house?

  I think about it and wonder if I should. After all he has done to me, the way he treated me, and now this? He deserves it, he deserves to know what this feels like.

  Summer: No, I just want to cut him off now. Completely. The sooner we’re divorced, the better.

  Maya: Good for you. I bet you really want to scream at him, don’t you?

  Summer: More than anything in the world. I feel like I’ll never fully get peace until I hash it out with him.

  Maya: I get that, remember James’ friend Paul?

  Summer: How can I forget?

  Maya: He didn’t fully move on until after he got the chance to call me out in front of James. I’m not saying you should do that, but if you feel like you want him to know that you know, then let him know that you know.

  Summer: Yeah.

  I don’t really want to get into an argument with Chris about it all. So instead of calling him to hash it out, I send him one final text.

  This is Summer, by the way, not Cindy, don’t ever contact me again. “You cheating slut.”

  And with a satisfied smile, I block his number and look down at my bump.

  It is time to abandon these dramas and focus on my babies.

  And as if by magic, an email pings through on my phone.

  From: Mase-bro@email.com

  To: Sumshine@email.com

  Subject: I was a dick.

  I shouldn’t have ended the call like that, I shouldn’t have said what I did. I care for you a lot already, Summer, I’m not used to caring for somebody like this. I haven’t told you yet that I’m glad we didn’t terminate because knowing that in a few months I’m gonna have a purpose in life, raising our kids, is the most settling feeling I’ve ever had. I’m stressed because what I’m doing is dangerous and I’m terrified I’m not going to get to come home and see you and meet them just one time.

  I’m terrified that I’ll never get to be a father because I’ve always wanted to be one. It’s not too soon, it’s not too early, and you already mean the world to me. I don’t want to lose any of you and I definitely don’t want you to lose me.

  You’re 100% the kinda woman I could see myself loving forever. So long as we’re good to each other. I’ll always try to be good to you.

  Stay safe, stay sane.

  * * *

  I pull my pillow over my face like earlier and smile. Then I roll over and try to sleep. I’m going to save my reply for tomorrow when I’m feeling less exhausted.

  “I want to know what my surprise is,” Marie whines petulantly for the hundredth time.

  I told her this morning before she picked me up for my sonogram that I have a surprise for her later. She doesn’t have a clue what it is and all I can do is smirk every time she asks.

  Call me evil but this is fun.

  “You’ll have to wait,” I reply again.

  “But—”

  “Dr. Bala is ready for you, Summer,” the receptionist calls from behind her desk and I stand, excited and feeling like a whale. I’m huge, I’m already about the size Maya was when she was nine months pregnant with Evelyn and I’m only twenty weeks along.

  “This is the part where we find out it’s an elephant,” Marie whispers in my ear. “Fair warning.”

  I laugh quietly and link my arm through hers. She lets me, looking as giddy as I feel which is so nice because, out of everyone, I thought Marie would be the most disinterested.

  “Summer,” Dr. Bala says, beaming at me. “And this must be Marie?”

  I called ahead to let her know that Marie doesn’t know. Not so she can hide it, but so the receptionist, aka Sally, will come in and film it all. I told Marie it’s for Mason, so he feels like he was here, but really it’s because I can’t wait to see the shocked look on Marie’s face.

  “The one and only,” Marie replies and I s
ee a flicker of recognition in Dr. Bala’s eyes. Marie is sort of famous by association, what with Jacob being her chosen life partner. She gets recognized sometimes. Beyond the glint in my doctor’s eyes, she doesn’t say anything else.

  “Any problems since I last spoke to you?”

  I shake my head. “None at all, everything is going according to the baby books.”

  “Good, that’s great.” The dear doctor looks genuinely happy at this. I bet that it’s tense for her too, dealing with a first-time mother of twins. Although I hope it’s not tense for her because that means she’s worried. And worrying is bad. I should know, I do enough worrying all by myself.

  We go through the usual questions and answers before the blinds are drawn and the room is dark. I’m on the white, shiny bed lying flat and the receptionist, Sally, is filming from the corner. She gives me a thumbs-up.

  “Are you ready?” Dr. Bala asks, smiling at Marie and me. I notice Marie’s eyes on the screen as the jelly is squirted onto the round, tight skin of my stomach. She looks so intense right now.

  “You okay?” I ask my friend who just nods rapidly. I dip my head to the doctor who starts rolling the dongle across my stomach.

  I gasp when the image on the screen takes shape and I’m even more startled when their heads take form. The gray and white flickering images take form on a near-black backdrop that is my womb.

  Oh my gosh.

  Even I know how rare this is. They’re both facing the same way, forehead to forehead almost, their hands clasped in front of them.

  “Oh wow,” Dr. Bala breathes as she clicks away at the keyboard below the screen.

  “Wait… is that a mirror image or something?” Marie leans over me to get a closer look.

  I smile and laugh a little which disturbs the dongle. We almost lose the perfect image of the siblings sharing my womb, wriggling their little legs while facing each other. I wonder if they’ll see each other when they open their eyes. Will it bring them comfort knowing they aren’t alone in there?

  “Summer?” Marie asks, placing her hand on my wrist and squeezing. “Why are there two?”