thatcouldnowbeseenwithouttheeyegrowingdimorthelightgoingout.Thebody
dissolvesandmeltsintothestillnessofwhatremains.Afterwards,theeyenolonger
sees anything at all. Instead, it presses downward on the mind like a terrible taskmaster demanding that it “See!” The mind can no longer focus on anything in particular or in general; it can see nothing within or without. It is in a state of completeunknowing,adirestateandaPassagewaywherein,formonths,themindis
fixed in a rigid now-moment out of which it cannot move, and in which there is nothingtosee.
VIII
In this Passageway, true life, unlocalized and nowhere, reveals itself as that which remains and knows no death. It is this life that continues despite unseeing and unknowing,aneternallifethat,strangely,hasnoGodastheobjectofvision.Buthow
canordinarylifegoonwithouttheenergiesofself,andwhentruelifehasnosuch
energies?Howisitpossibletostayinthefleshandintheordinarymindwhennolife
seems to lie therein? The only answer is time—time to grow accustomed, to
acclimate,tolearnalloveragainhowtolivewiththisnewlife.Todoso,theselfis nowheretohelp,theminddoesnotknowhow,andthebodykeepsmeltingaway.
IX
Whentheadjustmentismade—butbarely—thejourneyappearstobeover.Atfirst,
the nothingness of existence becomes endurable; later, it is an ordinary sight; and finally, it is so taken for granted it is never noticed or seen again. When nothing movesintotakeitsplace,nothingnessbecomesallthatis;andthishad,finally,tobe acceptedasthemostobviousofultimatetruths.Hereitcouldbeclearlyseenthatall
thesearching,speculating,andexperiencingofalifetimehadbeenagiganticwaste—
183
a head-trip of such proportions that only the infant mentality can bare such a truth: theendislikethebeginning,andeverythinginbetweenispuredeception.Thestate
ofunknowingispermanent;sincethemindcanholdontonocontent,thereisnothing
morethatcanbelearned.Therewillbenomorejourneys;thisisthelast,theend—an
endthatisabsolutenothingness.
X
Astheriverflows,asmileemerges,andoutofnothingnessarisesthegreatestofgreat realities,morerealthananythingthatcanbeseenorknown—yet,explicableonlyin
suchterms. The smile itself, “that” which smiled, and that at which it smiled were identical. This was the great reality. The relative mind cannot hold, grasp, convey, see, or even believe, that which has revealed itself. This identity can never be communicatedbecauseitistheoneexistentthatisPureSubjectivity,andcannever
beobjectified.ThisistheEyeseeingitself,andwhereveritlooksitseesnothingbut itself.
XI
Later,afteritsfour-monthabsence,theOnenessreappeared,butnolongerthrougha
medium (the particular); it was “there”—everywhere. But its return was too late; something had now been seen and known, compared to which, all else was but a deception. Still, the mind wanted to look at it, it had to look, and when it did, the Oneness vanished and instantly the mind understood why. It understood what it meant,howitworked,andwhatstillremainedtobedone.Afteralongpassage,the
mindhadfinallycometorestandrejoiceinitsownunderstanding.Nowitwasready,
prepared, to take its rightful place in the immediacy and practicality of the now-moment. No more searching, looking, retaining; no need to know that which it understandsitcanneverknow.Andinthisstateofunknowing,themindiscontentto
dwellforever.TheEye—whichisnotofthemind—aloneseesandknowsitselfasall
thatexists;itisOneness,anditisitselfallthatremainswhenthereisnoself.
XII
Yet another period of acclimating, of adjusting to the non-relative life beyond the Passageway.Then,justastheselfhadoncefadedintosilence,sotoo,thesilenceand
stillnessofno-selffadedbeyondrecognition.Thejourney—itsexperiences,insights,
andlearningdevices—hadonlybeenthemeansoftransitionfromtheoldtothenew
life,fromarelativetoanon-relativewayofknowingandseeing.Itwasovernow;the
gap between subject and object had been irrevocably closed. Beyond the relational there is only the Eye seeing itself, which is not static; rather, it sees itself as so continuouslynew,thatthenow-momentisneverthesame.Sincethemovementinto
thenewisofitsessence,thejourneymoveson,endlesslyonwardintotheUnknown.
From TheExperienceofNo-SelfbyBernadetteRoberts.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This biography was largely written for us by Bernadette Roberts herself.
184
DEEPAKODIKAL
185
TWENTY–SEVEN
DEEPAKODIKAL
1941–PRESENT,INDIA
GRACIOUSandarticulate,DeepaKodikalisremarkableinmanyways.Inaddition
tobeingascientistandaccomplishedinIndiancuisineandoilpainting,Deepaplays
thesitar, has performedIndian classical dance, writtenand directed plays,designed ceramicmurals,andtakentraininginglider-flying.Asidefromheramazingspiritual
journey,Deepaisdelightful.
PerhapsthemostextraordinaryofallisthatDeepawasnotseekingenlightenment.
As a timid child, she became aware that she could direct her own dreams. She was hauntedbyvividimagesofghostsorwildcatspursuingher,andhermotherassured
her that the creatures could bring no harm. From that point on, “I concluded that I coulddoallsortsofimpossiblethingsinadream.”Amischievous,playfulgirlinher
outer life, Deepa remained immersed in her dream world. “A trio of deities, Lord Krishna,ShriRam,andMaha-Vishnu,heldmecaptivedayandnight.”
Educated in the best of schools and colleges in New Delhi, Deepa was quite
content with “a charmed circle” of her husband, three daughters, relatives, and friends.Marriedandfullyengagedinabusysociallife,Deepafoundthateachofher
fourpregnanciesbroughttoherperiodsofetherealserenityinwhichshewasfreeof
thoughts and desires. She later recognized these to be samadhi-like states of absorptionbeyondthemind.
IhadnotreadanyscripturespriortomyexperiencesoutlinedherenorhadIany
yearningatallforKnowledgeoftheDivine.Lifewasperfectforme.Ineeded
nochange.Desireforthisorhankeringforthatwasunknowntome.Then,one
day,Ibeganperceivinganewdimensiontolife,starkandspreadeverywhere.I
began to wonder how I had been blind to it when it was all-pervasive and so obvious.HowcouldIhavebeensoinsensitivetoallthisdivinegrandeur?
Ibeganwritingdowneverythought,everyfeeling,everyevent,asitoccurred
tome,asitwasrevealedtome.ItwasanurgeIcouldnotsuppress.Impelledby
an inner force, I put my pen to the paper…. Words which had no meaning to me, profundities which I had not grasped before, presented themselves with a
clarity that only an inner experience can give…. The diary covers a period of mylifestartingwhenIwasforty-threeyearsofage.
HerfourthdaughterwasunderthreewhenDeepabeganhernarrative.
Deepa ultimately chose to be a householder rather than an ascetic. After her spiritual awakening, though
, her life would never be the same. Now she is often called upon to assure professional men that their wives' spiritual experiences are genuine,ratherthanforaysintomadness.
186
DeepaKodikal'sstoryisfromhermarvelousspiritualdiary, AJourneyWithinthe Self.
187
BECOMINGTHECOSMOSWITHOUTLEAVINGHOME
THROUGHOUT the night, I was in deep meditation. I was in meditation in spite of myself.Henceforth,mysleepwouldbemymeditation,andmymeditationmysleep.
In deep meditation I was again told I was in “turyavastha” and I was being led to
“Parabrahma (Supreme God).” And then I saw the “vishwarupa” as is described in the Gita.Thatisavisualizationinanthropomorphologicalterms.WhatIsawwasthe universe as it is. In its entirety and in its universality. The “vishwarupa” (universal form)asitis.
I saw the entire span of the sky as seen from the earth. I was shown countless luminous stars scattered across the sky. Some of these were twinkling, some were static.Eachwasanindependentstar,eachspinningrounditsaxisasalsoswirlingin
its orbit. Some were moving as constellations, in groups. There was enough room between the stars to steer comfortably without colliding with each other. Each star knewitspath,tookenjoymentinitsmovement,wasawareofthegrandspectacle,the
cosmicpicture,obeyedthelawsofthegiantandthetinystar-systemsoftheuniverse
andaccepteditsbeingpartofthewhole.
Isawthatthesemyriadstars,seenandunseen,recedingintotheunknown,together
formedagalaxy,girdlingtheheavens;andIsawthismightygalaxyrecedingtotiny
star structure, then appearing as a single star among another group of a mightier galaxy,whereeachstarwasagalaxyitself.Eachgalaxyandeachstarwithinitwas
spinningarounditselfandinitsownorbit,and,thissuper-galaxyitself,asawhole,
wasswirlingaroundinanorbitofawesomedimensions.
Thismightyoceanofstar-clusters,composedofgalaxieswithinagalaxy,wasnow
butalonestaramidstyetanothergiantstar-systemwheelinginthedepthsofspace.
The stars, the star-groups, the star-systems, maintained their own axial and orbital flights, tiny and mighty, resembling interwoven galactic wheels. It was a galactic tapestry,inmotion.
This went on, each galactic super-system eventually forming only a part of a bigger group. Revolving, gyrating, vista upon vista unfolded, unfurling giant star-systems,eachcomposedofhundredsofmillionsofstarsandgalaxieswheelinginthe
depths of space. The span of the cosmodrama, the immense orbits, the stupendous speeds, the immensity of the universe, the stars compassing it, was awesome and beautiful.
This went on endlessly into infinity. Suddenly, I found I was not on the earth watchingthisbusy,hurlinguniverse.Iwasatapointbeyondtheendlesscomplexof
galaxies, beyond the outer lonely galaxies girdling the fathomless depths of inter-galacticspaces.IwasatapointwhereIfoundthisentireendlessnessandinfinityasa singlestar,and,thisendlessnessandinfinity,nowcompressedandcomprehendedas
atinystar,wasbutasinglestarinaskyfullofsuchstarsincountlessnumbers…!
Eachstar-universewasinitselfanendlessness,infinity,andwascomposedofstars
and galaxies of a different kind. The space beyond the galaxies was composed of suchstar-universesofvarioussizesandcolors,somebarelymoving,someoscillating,
some vibrating, some hurtling across the sky, some huge, some like decorative lanterns, some like discus. Stars mighty and small, all in motion and twinkling like 188
diamonds,ofvarioushues.Eachstarwasendlessnessandinfinity.
Slowly, I perceived this sky acquiring depth. Deeper and deeper, further and
furtheritwent,and,Isawthisdeepspacestuddedwithdeep-sunkstar-universes,all
endlessness in themselves, of various colors, of various shapes and hues, and of variousmovements.
AsIbeheldthismagnificence,Ifoundthegrandvistawasnotonlytomyfrontbut
alsobehindme,and,infact,allaroundme.Iwasnowthecenterofacirclewhose
frontiersweresimplynotthere.
All this time, I was huge enough compared to the stars to have a span of vision encompassingtheentirefieldofthefirmament.Myproportiontothestarswasasis
man's in relation to a gnat. Huge! The stars too were distant. But as I observed the star-studded sky, the distance between me and the sky suddenly dwindled and the star-universeswereallaroundme,encirclingme,floatingbyme.
IfoundmyselfbecomingsmallerandsmallertillfinallyIbecamenon-existent.I
wassnuffedout.
Now I was everywhere! I was everywhere at the same time! All-pervading. Any
pointandeverypointwasacenter.Therewasnownobodyexceptingtheseheavenly
bodiesfloatinggentlybyandme—all-pervadingandall-seeing.
Everypointwasthecenterofthisvastness,and,thefrontiersfromanypointwere
fathomless.Eachpointwasinitselfanendlessnessandallaroundwasendlessness.
Theskywaschock-a-blockfullofstarsbutwithadequateroomforthemtomove
withnopanicofcollision.AndIwaseverywhere.
The star-universe systems in their movements were passing through other star-
universe systems, effortlessly, as one slips through compartment after crowded
compartmentinamovingtrain.What'smore,thesestartrainsweremovingnotonly
horizontally, but also vertically, radially, in all possible directions much the same wayaswouldaskyfullofdivineburstingfireworks.
Each star-universe system was slipping through many star-universe systems at a time,and,inturnallowingmanyothersuchsystemstopassthroughinlargergroups,
yet managed to retain its own size, identity, movement and rhythm. That is, each systemwasmovingfromandthroughsystemtosystemyetwasinitsallottedplacein
relationtoothersystems,movingoroscillatingwithinitsownspanofmovement.
Now,theentireprocesswasreversedasifapowerfullenshadbeeninserted,and,I
sawthatthesestar-universesystems,eachanendlessnessinsize,wasnotlikeatiny
starbutwasaconstructofsuper-galaxies;eachpartofthisconstructinturnsplitting into the galaxies of which it was composed. And this entire complex inter-mingled withothercomplexes,yetretaineditssize,shape,identityandform.
Each super-galaxy again broke up into a system of galaxies, each one passing throughtheothers;andsoonandon.
Itwasendless.
Thuseachstarorstar-clusterappearedtobemerginginorformingapartofother
clustersflungindifferentdirections,allatthesametime,yetretainingitsplaceinits owncluster.
Each star, each galaxy, each super-galaxy, moved around its axis and around its orbit,yetmanagedtheabovemerging.Thuseachstar,eachsystem,whizzingthrough
189
theother,formedapartofabiggerwhole,inseparablefromtheothergroupsandthe evenbiggergrandpattern,yetretainingitsownidentity.
As each star or star-system spun on, retaining its place, its relative distance, its perfectplacementinrelationtothebiggergroups,itappearedtobehardlymoving.
Thefirmamentappearedtobeinanequipoise,and,eachofitscomponentsinperfect
equilibrium.Andy
etIknewthefirmamentmoved.
The lens was now removed: The stars regained their forms, concealing their
complexitiesofgalaxies,floatinggentlyinendlessemptinessandendlesstime….
Thiswasonlyoneaspectoftheuniverse.Therewereuniverseswithinuniverses,
invisibleuniverses,visibleones,universeslyingsidebyside,inoneplace,“existing”
through each other simultaneously in “different” dimensions of time, in different spatialdimensions;itwentonendlessly….
Thesewerethemanifestuniverses.Thenthereweretheun-manifestones.Onlyin
theirpotential….
Thiswasaglimpseoftheuniverse!
I began by seeing the universe as one sees the sky from earth. Slowly, my
individualidentitywasbrokendown,and,whenmylimitingindividualitywastotally
demolished, I assumed the universal form. I was everywhere at one time, seeing everything,themicro,themacro,fromtheclosestquarters,fromthefurthestrange.I
waseverywhere,all-pervading,formless,omnipresent,all-knowingandall-enjoying.
Iwasomnipresent,all-knowingandall-enjoying.ButIwasnottheuniverse.Iwas
totally free of it, independent of it and uninvolved in it. I spread everywhere, but formlessly and unencumbered by attachments, an eternal witness not bound by the universe.Iwaspureandintelligentconsciousness,seeingallandknowingallbutnot
dependingupontheuniverseforsustenance.
Ifeltlight,freeandunmoving,yetIwasatallpoints,allatthesametime.Witness
toeverything.
Uninvolved,freeofemotions,freeofthought,pure,andvast,Iremainedpoisedin
eternityandininfinity,inquietenjoyment;still,composed,calm,andinrepose!
From AJourneyWithintheSelfbyDeepaKodikal.
190
GANGAJI
191
TWENTY-EIGHT
GANGAJI
1942–PRESENT,UNITEDSTATES
BORN IN Texas in 1942, Gangaji grew up in Mississippi. A member of a
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