My Fearful Symmetry

by Denise Verrico

  I’d soon learn.

  Marco stalked into the training bedchamber and slammed his adept’s chest down on the table, sputtering Italian that sounded like curses. One spurted out in English. “That bitch!”

  Marco never lost his temper. He took things in devil-may-care stride. I couldn’t imagine what would set him off like this. “Sandhya?”

  He shook his head, earrings rattling, and opened the chest, rooting around in it and taking out various bottles. “Giulietta, the new concubine. Your master brought her back with him when he went to Italy.”

  An unseen hand squeezed my heart. Had Raj found another favorite already? We’d been apart only a few months. A woman—how could I compete? After all I’d done to please him. “Raj took another concubine?”

  “Not Raj, Kalidasa.”

  Relief flowed through my veins. Safe and sound again. Raj still wanted me above all others.

  “The bitch and I come from the same house,” Marco explained. “Four hundred years ago she was a Venetian courtesan, condemned to death for poisoning her lovers. Angela de Mortis, they called her. Gaius took a fancy to her and spirited the whore away the night before her execution. She’s been called the most beautiful Immortyl ever since. Kalidasa has coveted her for centuries. Watch out for her, brother. The woman is a viper.”

  “Why did Gaius finally give her to Kalidasa?”

  “So he’d back him in his war against the rats. Kalidasa gave Gaius a lot of money to buy arms.” He turned back to the bottles and toys arranged on the bed table. “Tonight my friend, you learn the sharing ritual.”

  “We share essence with them? I thought you can only do that with your master.”

  “They drink from us. We don’t drink from them.”

  “How much do they take?”

  “Not enough to hurt you…at least they’re not supposed to. Some…well, some are sick bastards. Like Gaius…they get off on pain.”

  “Yeah…I know.” The scene played out in my head. Fifteen and naïve, I went to a party arranged by my pimp. I’d never been in a posh house. Denny said they were important people who could help me in the music business. I’d been careful up until that point. Certain things I wouldn’t do. One of them gave me drugs and took me upstairs to a bedroom. He tied me up. Just a game, he said. Then four more of them joined us and ripped away my remaining innocence.

  Marco put a comforting arm around my shoulders. “Don’t worry. They’re grooming you for Lord Liu. He’s not like that.”

  Panic gripped me. Were they planning to barter me away to this Lord Liu? I didn’t want to leave Raj. The blood in my veins clamored for him. “Grooming? To trade me like livestock?”

  Sandhya bustled into the room, bristling with tension. “Raj has just informed me that the Exalted Father has made arrangements for Raj to meet with Lord Liu. You will go to Hong Kong when he presents his offer in a week’s time.”

  Four months had passed since I’d entered the ashram, a fraction of the usual time required to train a novice adept. “I’m not ready.”

  “After tonight, you will know enough to advance to the lowest degree. The education of an adept is an ongoing process. You will continue to learn. Begin the preparation.”

  Once Marco and I were limbered and naked, we went through the usual routines. At the end, Marco cradled me in his arms, like a real lover, not a trainer. He smoothed my hair off my neck and back over my shoulder, speaking soothing words.

  Sandhya sat on the edge of the bed. She’d never done that before. The possibility of a threesome ran through my head. Her soft hand took mine. “As Shakti’s vessel, you hold her power. Your lover has expended his inside of you. Now it remains for him to drink in not only what has escaped, but also what has been generated inside you.”

  She hung onto my hand, as Marco’s lips pecked along my throat to the carotid artery. No one had ever done this to me but Raj. I saw now why Sandhya held my hand. Even though Marco was my friend, the act simulated rape. Only Raj should do this to me, because I could reciprocate with him. I squirmed when Marco’s teeth pierced me. His fangs retracted, and his lips sucked at the wound. Terror took hold of me that he’d drain my blood and leave me for dead. Tears rolled down my face.

  Sandhya stroked my hair. “Your body doesn’t understand yet. It will learn. His scent isn’t your master’s, and it causes fear. Relax and rest in the Mother’s arms. She will protect you.”

  The fear passed. I sagged in Marco’s arms as Sandhya caressed me and prayed. He didn’t take enough to hurt me, but the giddiness I knew when I ingested the herbs in the blood overtook me. The airy flute played in my head. A rosy glow covered everything in the room. Objects pulsated like sea creatures. I laughed out loud amidst the tears.

  Sandhya patted my hand. “You did well. We will practice this every night until you take your vows.”

  I looked up at her. Once more her face illuminated, and colors flowed around her, an aurora borealis reflecting off her skin. I clutched at her hands. “Wow…you’re beautiful. Like a goddess.”

  She pulled her hands away from mine and rose from the bed. “You may go to your room now.”

  I lay there in Marco’s arms. He laughed. “My friend, you’ll have better luck with that statue in the courtyard than with her.”

  I looked over my shoulder at him. “You know…you’re not so bad yourself. More like a Greek god though…”

  “You’re delirious from blood loss. I’ll give you a drink.”

  “From you?”

  “You want to get me disemboweled?” Marco lowered me to the mattress and got up to fetch some warmed blood from the pitcher near the bed. He extended the cup to me. “Drink.”

  I downed that cup and three more before the colors and sounds deserted me. Once my head cleared, Marco helped me to my feet and back to my quarters.

  After a week more of this bleeding, I was able to control my fear and even pretend to enjoy it. The final night of training, Sandhya asked me to come into her chamber. On the bed lay a pair of pajama and embroidered choga made from saturated orange silk. Gold bracelets, anklets and other ornaments designed to make pleasing sounds when one walked or danced, surrounded them. She gestured to the array. “This is your debut costume. This morning is the last you will sleep as a common slave and wear plain white. When you rise in the evening, you will be initiated by your fellow adepts, take your vows and be escorted to a special banquet for your presentation to Kalidasa.”

  “My presentation? I was already introduced.”

  “Raj will naturally give him the favor of your debut. It is customary.”

  Did I hear her correctly? Blood drained from my head. My knees sagged. I held onto the bedpost to keep my balance. “You’re joking. That great mound of quivering lard?”

  Her eyes told me otherwise. “You are in service to the goddess. The act is consecrated. Your pleasure is not an issue. Have you learned nothing?”

  “Not that I was expected to service a bloody elephant.”

  “Avijit will be there to assist.”

  That wasn’t helpful to me. “He needs assistance?”

  “Kalidasa relies on him. He will fill you in on all the particulars of the disrobing and so on. At the banquet you will sing and play and be called upon to dance. You will perform the slow piece you worked on with Avijit, while I play the tabla for you.”

  She further explained the protocol of the banquet and the initiation ceremony, until finally, I was dismissed to my bare little room. I fell onto my cot for the last time and into a fitful sleep. Nightmares of great hairy mammoths with huge sharp tusks plagued me. The next evening came far too soon for my taste.

  SIX

  Sandhya woke me a full two hours earlier than usual to do my breathing, meditation, and yoga exercises. I fasted from blood and food. My senses awoke and sharpened. Every cell of my body revved up, ready to run. After sunset, she took me outside to the spring where my brother and sister adepts assembled.

  Kalidasa’s alphas had arrived the
night before with their attendant adepts. The debut of an adept ranked among Immortyl events like the academy awards. Ten women and two men stood in the circle around the spring. All wore silks in a rainbow of brilliant colors. Sandhya’s purple and gold matched Avijit’s. Seeing them like this, I realized why they looked so alike. They were brother and sister, perhaps even fraternal twins.

  My brother adepts approached and disrobed me. They tossed my novice garb into a brazier and burned it. Little bits of charred cloth floated up into the open air. Sandhya raised her outstretched arms, palms up, and invoked the mother. The other women chanted, dropping red hibiscus petals like drops of blood over the surface of the water.

  My brothers helped me into the pool. Avijit indicated I was to dunk myself seven times. They stepped back, and I plunged below the surface the required number of times. Marco helped me out of the pool and dried me off with soft cotton cloths, so my skin wasn’t roughened, but polished like a racecar. Next, two of the women came forward and rubbed scented oils into every inch of my body. Another painted my face. The henna marks on my body had been freshened the previous night. Sandhya finished by brushing a fine powder over my skin that made it glisten in the moonlight. “Pulverized pearl and gold dust,” she explained, “too precious for everyday use. You’ll use it only for the ritual. Now repeat after me.”

  She said the vows. I repeated them after her. She’d rehearsed them with me for hours, explaining their meaning. The words were older than time, she said, given to Kalidasa by the goddess herself. Her transfixed face and low-pitched voice sent chills down my spine. Did some supernatural power inhabit her? Despite my skepticism, I had to admit my guru looked like nothing of this earth when she chanted.

  Marco brought the fine orange silks. Avijit dressed me and placed the ornaments Marco handed him on my wrists, ankles, neck, and ears. One of the women then brushed my hair and made a few slender braids in it, wrapping them with golden thread. Sandhya moved forward and placed a golden headband set with topazes, like a diadem, on my head. “There,” she whispered, “you look like a young king.”

  Avijit gave me dish of warmed blood mixed with sacred herbs to drink. The mixture relaxed me. Marco placed garlands of red hibiscus around my neck. All sat to meditate, until Sandhya placed her hand on my shoulder. “It’s time.”

  I rose and followed a procession of my fellow adepts out of the ashram door and into the slave quarters. The other adepts strewed flower petals before my feet as Sandhya walked beside me. The boys and girls working there bowed low as I passed. It was all rather embarrassing. I turned to Sandhya and whispered, “Tell them to stop.”

  “They are honoring the first adept to emerge in decades. You’ve succeeded where they failed. None have completed the training so quickly. Accept it graciously.”

  I turned and bowed to them. Continuing on my way, I held my head a trifle higher as it occurred to me what an accomplishment this was. My feet barely touched the ground. I’d see Raj again. He’d be proud of me. But then nerves intruded. What if I forgot something? Would my voice give out or my hands shake when I played the sitar? I might forget how to execute the prostration.

  Sandhya noted my tension. “Your nerves are showing. It mars your face and hunches your shoulders unattractively. Recite the mantra and relax.”

  I did as she said. Sure enough, the ancient words calmed and allowed me to focus on the art. The five-minute walk across the courtyard to the banquet hall seemed to take hours with so many details to think about.

  Sandhya gave me some last minute coaching. “Remember to smile. Avijit will go in first to announce you. All the others will prostrate themselves first. You will cross between the others and bow before Kalidasa. All will rise and withdraw to serve at the table on his signal, but you will remain before him to await instructions. He will ask you to play and sing while they dine. Ready?”

  We’d reached a large archway leading into the banquet hall. Avijit went inside and prostrated himself before his master. He introduced me in his low, rippling voice, “Exalted Father, I bring the newly initiated adept Shardul for presentation.”

  The chief gave a roly-poly sort of chuckle. “Well then—bring him in.”

  The others entered ahead of me, sinking to the floor, colorful water lilies on a blue-tiled pond. I placed one henna-painted foot in front of the other and glided into the torch-lit hall, my eyes downcast. Murmurs of admiration and speculation filled the air from the five alphas seated alongside of my own master. I caught only the briefest glance of Raj. He wore an awed expression. Taking a deep breath, I executed a prostration before the chief.

  “Rise, Shardul.”

  My fellow adepts withdrew to their duties at table, serving from golden dishes and pouring blood into goblets. I stood before the chief with the mysterious adept smile on my face: the dessert course.

  Kalidasa looked me over. “You have achieved what no other has done in several years, in record time. You are a credit to your master.”

  I remembered to keep my eyes averted, direct eye contact being reserved for the bedchamber. “Thank you, Exalted Father.”

  “Let us have a look at you. Turn.” I slowly rotated and displayed my flawless adept body in the beautiful costume. Kalidasa commented to his alphas, “Exquisite, is he not?”

  Now that the chief had passed approval on me, the others could voice their admiration.

  “Grace itself.”

  “Magnificent.”

  “And so tall.”

  Kalidasa laughed. “He will have Liu eating out of his hand. You’ve chosen well, Raj.”

  Raj stood, and bowed to the chief. “Exalted Father, please accept the favor of this artist’s debut with my compliments.”

  “With great pleasure my son, many thanks for this precious gift. So Shardul—will you play and sing for us? Your master tells me you have a fine voice.”

  “It will be an unparalleled privilege to perform for you, Exalted Father.” I bowed and crossed to the bench provided, taking up the instrument lying there. A hush fell over the room. Omnipresent air-conditioning compressors hummed in the background. Taking a deep breath, I touched the strings of the sitar, wailing one of the ancient ballads Sandhya had taught me. They went on eating and talking. This wouldn’t do. An imp possessed me. They said every adept had a signature style. I launched into a blues riff and made my voice a sexy growl. Now they looked. Kalidasa and his alphas sat with eyes glued on me. Conversation broke off. They barely touched their food and drink now. Had I gone too far? My voice wavered a moment. Then I realized the quiet meant the opposite. Everyone, slave and master, listened rapt. I held them in the palm of my hennaed hand until the last note.

  The room burst into applause. They called out, Shardul! I stood there, catching my breath, overwhelmed by the response. Nothing had prepared me for this. I took a bow and then sat down to do another song. The more I gave, the more they wanted. When I finished, I turned to Sandhya, not sure what to do. She smiled and nodded for me to do an encore. I sang until my repertoire was exhausted and took more bows. Excitement and energy radiated all through my body and out through the grin I couldn’t suppress. All that was missing was the spotlight. I’d always craved this kind of adulation. I was a rock star.

  I might have gone on with some of my forbidden personal favorites, if Kalidasa hadn’t ordered Marco to bring me a goblet of blood. I accepted the cup from my brother adept. He gave me a secret wink. I bowed toward the chief. “A thousand thanks, Exalted Father.”

  “Will you favor us with a dance, Shardul?”

  “Of course, Exalted Father.” I downed the contents of the goblet and handed it back to Marco. Slipping off my choga, I draped it over my seat. Sandhya crossed to the bench and took up the tabla to accompany me. I took my place on one knee. She began to play the driving rhythm on the small drum. Stretching out my arms in front of me, I rose slowly on the other knee and then to my feet. The drumbeat started. My hands ran over my abdomen and chest. Movement pulsated from my pelvis and up
through my torso. Pheromone scented the air. Taking to the floor, I executed a rapid series of turns and jumps. They voiced their encouragement, clapping in time with the rhythm and begging to see more. Couldn’t disappoint them. The dance finished with athletic leaps and somersaults, forward and backward. I spun several revolutions on one leg, with my head and arms thrown back, ending on one knee with my head bowed in the same attitude in which I’d started. The room erupted with applause.

  An airy voice cooled the atmosphere. “What is all this noise?”

  I raised my head. Framed in the archway, stood a tall blonde. Neck and shoulders rose above her bodice, as pale as if they’d been sculpted of pristine snow. She floated into the room, pale blue sari like frozen mist in her wake. Every eye turned from me to her. Whoever this ice princess was, she’d shattered my moment of triumph.

  The fat one waddled over to the girl and took her by her hand, raising it to greasy lips. “Gentlemen, may I present the Lady Giulietta?”

  The alphas rose to their feet in unison, bowing to her as if she was royalty and not just a concubine. I had to admit that she carried off the illusion with aplomb. Sharp eyes moved around the room, as if taking the measure of all the inhabitants and their value to her. The breathless voice she affected belied what I suspected was a calculating mind. “Forgive me for being so late, my lord. Have I missed something?”