My Fearful Symmetry

by Denise Verrico

  Kalidasa laughed and escorted her to the table. The alphas remained on their feet. Slaves bustled over to offer food and drink. Avijit pulled out a chair next to the chief and bowed. The concubine ignored them. Kalidasa waived them off. “This is the debut of our new adept of the ancient arts.”

  Giulietta’s head snapped around to me. From the alarmed look on her face, you’d think I was a viper slithering across the chamber floor. “This skinny redhead boy? He is one of those fabled adepts?”

  “His master has given me the favor of his debut.”

  Violet eyes looked me over. I doubted her opinion was favorable. “So, he is ours to play with tonight?”

  The men chuckled at her naïveté. Kalidasa enlightened her to the protocol, “No, my dove, mine alone. Only another adept may take part in the ritual.”

  She pouted up her mouth into a pink rosebud. Oh, she was a very adroit performer. “They’re said to have unearthly skills of love. I’m very jealous.”

  Kalidasa patted her hand. “No need to fear, my dove. Not even the most skillful of adepts could steal me away from your devotion.”

  She surveyed my peers with a bland expression.

  “We have thirteen total now in our house, counting Shardul,” the chief added.

  “Shardul? What sort of name is that?”

  “It means tiger.”

  Her mouth curled up now, but without humor. “How droll…like a housecat.”

  “One with a touch of ferocity, don’t you agree?”

  She glanced briefly at Raj for some reason and then to Kalidasa. “He has an insolent look. I’d see that he has a touch of the whip.”

  The fat one chuckled. His alphas joined in. The pudgy hand beckoned to Marco. “I am afraid you’ve missed the feast. Shall I have something fresh brought in?”

  She tossed her head. “I hardly eat a morsel—just a goblet of blood.”

  Every eye followed that cloud of hair. Despite Giulietta’s physical perfection, she left me frigid as mid January in the Hebrides. The elegant figure settled into the chair like it was a throne. Marco pushed it in for her. The alphas resumed their seats. She accepted the cup Avijit brought without even a look of acknowledgement at him, a thank you being obviously out of the question. The concubine sipped at the blood, fixing a stare on me where I kneeled before them, still awaiting instructions. Kalidasa noticed me at last and waved me off.

  I crossed back to the bench where Sandhya sat and pulled on my discarded choga, miffed that Giulietta had upstaged me. Sandhya set down the tabla and whispered for me to take a post behind the chief. Avijit thrust a pitcher of warmed blood into my hands and nodded toward the alphas. I moved along the line, filling goblets they extended to me. As I passed behind Raj to fill his cup, his fingertip brushed my wrist. A shock traveled through my body. An audible sigh almost escaped me, but of course I stifled it. I had to pretend like I didn’t know him, like I hadn’t shared his home and bed for six months. Court etiquette demanded we behave like strangers outside of his rooms.

  Kalidasa ignored me now that Giulietta sat beside him, and that suited me fine. The chief fawned all over her, plucking the choicest fruits from the platter Marco offered. Kalidasa fed his concubine from his pudgy fingertips just like he did his parrots. She teased and flirted, tossing her pale hair. I really hoped he’d forget all about me, and after the banquet I’d get to go with Raj.

  I went about my duties as the alphas talked business. Each of them presided over his own territory, excepting Raj. He’d been the last to join the chief elder’s house, and all the available land had already been gobbled up for centuries. Kalidasa had chosen Raj because at the time he’d needed a British educated attorney in the fold to negotiate for his interests. The chief had kept his counselor close to him for nearly a century and a half, dispatching Raj wherever and whenever his services were needed. But Kalidasa had promised Raj all along that he’d eventually get his own territory, and by this time, my master’s patience had worn thin.

  A hefty alpha sitting to Raj’s left leaned over to him. “Not bad Raj, two adepts. Now if you only had someplace to keep them.”

  “It’s only a matter of time.” Raj raised his glass to his lips and sipped.

  “If Liu doesn’t tear your offer up and throw it in your face.”

  Raj set his drink down and dabbed his mouth with his napkin. “He won’t do that.”

  Raj suffered from a huge inferiority complex where his brothers were concerned. He said they looked down on him because he had no territory of his own, even though he made more money and closed more deals for Kalidasa than the lot of them. I couldn’t imagine why he’d care, when he obviously had all the wealth anyone could want. He sat there with a kind of disgruntled curve to his lips as he listened to their talk. From time to time his eye wandered to the chief and his concubine.

  A skinny alpha, with a large nose and sunken eyes, chuckled as I passed and said to the hefty one, “Raj hopes this new adept might just persuade the Chinese to finally part with the Thai property.”

  Raj leaned back in his seat, acting like he didn’t care. “I’ve crafted a masterpiece of an offer. The boy is merely a gratuity.”

  His comment didn’t sit well with me, but I could hardly complain. I went on filling goblets with the serene expression I’d been taught. An adept never expressed untoward emotion that would mar his or her beauty. Yet, I took in every word. Sandhya said an adept made it his or her business to learn all about one we were assigned to entertain.

  The thin alpha laughed and tore a piece of flat bread to mop up a blood red sauce from his dish. “No matter what you plan, with Liu it’s never a certain proposition. You could offer him the moon and stars, and he’d still refuse. He has no need of more wealth. The Chinese is a peculiar one. Kalidasa understands this. You must somehow inspire him.”

  Inspire? Lord Liu was said to be a true admirer of our art and a connoisseur of adepts. How to inspire someone over two thousand years old? He must have seen it all. How jaded he must have grown after all these centuries. Yet they expected me to waltz in and shake him up.

  Raj fussed with his ruby cufflinks. “Liu’s ideas may be peculiar, but these properties have been unprofitable for him. He shrinks from the sort of practices needed to make these factories produce. It’s good business for him to unload them.”

  “Still, he won’t be able to resist the temptation of a newly emerged adept.”

  Another one of the alphas sitting at the end of the table called over to Raj, “Liu has an eye for a pretty face…particularly a pretty boy’s. Not all that different than you, eh Raj?”

  They laughed again. Raj’s mouth turned down in a way forbidden to me. He did prefer young men. This wasn’t taboo in Immortyl culture, so long as he didn’t assume a passive role. Although all the alphas reportedly kept a boy or two, most of them still tended toward girls. Raj’s preference made him suspect and the subject of more jokes.

  The first alpha chimed in. “But who can blame Raj when one looks upon Shardul? I challenge you to find a woman with a face as perfectly formed as this. Eyes like emeralds, hair like molten copper…and such a mouth.” His next remark was made in Bengali, but it didn’t need translation. The alphas all roared with laughter.

  Giulietta rose, trembling from head to foot. Her face bore bright spots of red on either cheek. “I find such conversation unseemly, my lords.”

  Kalidasa rose and glared at them all. “There is no need for this crude talk in Lady Giulietta’s presence.”

  I wanted to roll my eyes. Like the woman hadn’t been in the trade for four hundred years. The alphas muttered apologies. Giulietta took to her feet, smoothing her long skirt. Her chin titled upward. “I will retire now in any case.”

  Kalidasa kissed her hand. “Of course, rest well, my dove.”

  Giulietta’s eyes met mine again for a moment. Utter distaste filled them. What on earth had I done for her to take such a dislike to me? The last thing I needed was to make an enemy of the chief elder�
��s mistress. She swept out of the hall followed by two small serving girls. Kalidasa resumed his seat and stuffed his face with a plate of sticky sweets that Marco had placed in front of him. The alphas fell back into conversation. Raj took out his cigarette case from his breast pocket and drew one out, placing it between his lips. I lit it for him. He took a drag and leaned back in his seat.

  The thin one moved closer to him. He lowered his voice. “Has the old one decided what to do about our rat problem in America?”

  Raj blew a plume of smoke from his lips. “Not yet. He thinks the little upstart is just posturing, and it all might blow over.”

  The alpha shook his head. “Not this time, he’s given them money and guns. And they’re organizing everywhere. It’s time we strike, before they get any stronger.”

  Raj held out his goblet. I moved to pour for him. His hand ran up the back of my thigh, stroking in an absent-minded way like someone would pet a dog or cat. His scent and heartbeat called to me. It was everything I could do not to drop the pitcher and jump him. He took another puff at his cigarette and said on the exhale, “I agree, but he’s cautious, waiting to see which way the wind blows. The old one has his reasons, I suppose. He never acts until he knows he can win.”

  Kalidasa called to Avijit. The adept leaned close to the chief. Kalidasa whispered something into the boy’s ear. Avijit looked my way and nodded. The chief was ready to collect Raj’s gift. Adrenaline flooded my veins. My heart thumped. I wanted to bolt from the room and run out into the jungle. All the training in music, dancing, and lovely manners didn’t mean a thing now that I was to be offered up for the sacrifice.

  Avijit crossed behind me and laid a hand on my sleeve. His soft voice dropped even lower. “The Exalted Father will retire to his chamber presently. Make your bows and come with me.”

  Raj’s hand fell from my body. I broke into a cold sweat and set down my pitcher with trembling hands. Bowing myself out, I followed behind Avijit toward Kalidasa’s apartments.

  Sandhya fell in beside me and took my arm. “Always remember you are in service to the Mother—the act is consecrated to her.” Her warm voice sounded incongruously like a mother imparting advice to a virgin bride. “Nothing can harm you. Your body is an instrument of Shakti. Invoke her name and it will give you courage.”

  Was that some kind of warning of pain and torture to come? Bloody marvelous. It was bad enough that I had to lie down before the mastodon, but to be hurt in the process was too much. I grew dizzier by the moment. Everything around me whirled. What was wrong with me? I’d been through this plenty of times before. Why did this scare me so much? Maybe it was the fact that none of the others had the prerogative of beheading me if I didn’t please him.

  Sandhya stopped outside the chamber door. “I will wait for you here.” She steepled her hands and touched her forehead, leaving me to her brother.

  Avijit touched my arm and spoke for once with kindness. “Come, I’ll show you how he likes things.” He moved to the bed, pulling back the rich covers and sprinkling a soothing essence on the sheets. The adept picked up a remote from the bed table and turned up the overhead fans to cool the room. Taking a key from his sash, he unlocked a cabinet by the bed, laying out toys and lubricants. Avijit elucidated, with clinical detachment, the chief’s preferences.

  He patted my arm to reassure me. “Don’t worry. I will disrobe him as usual. The turban is tricky, and he’s impatient with anyone to whom he’s not accustomed. Just make your bow and wait for his instructions. You will disrobe on his signal. He is not demanding, and it will be over quickly. He only has intercourse with women in any case. The tray with the libation is here. I will pour.”

  Avijit tilted his head to the side and signaled me to prostrate myself. Wishing myself a million miles away, I chanted mantras under my breath, until I finally found that place in my brain that could switch my body onto autopilot. Some pretty ugly dates had enjoyed my services over the years, and Kalidasa was no worse. I knew my business well, and I assumed the air of a professional.

  The door opened. You could smell Kalidasa before you saw him, a mixture of sweat, cumin, and patchouli. The mantra ran over and over inside my head. Kali’s contorted visage filled my consciousness.

  The chief planted his pudgy feet before my nose. Avijit spoke to Kalidasa in his soothing voice. The chief grunted a reply. Silk slithered as the favorite disrobed his master. Kalidasa let out a relieved sigh. I could hear his fingernails scratching his belly, scraping over its hairy surface like sandpaper. “What do you think of this new adept?” asked the chief.

  To Avijit’s credit, he was gracious. “He has demonstrated great talent as an artist. His singing and dancing are superb. One cannot deny his beauty and grace. Depending on his skill in the bedchamber, he will be celebrated.”

  “Is everything prepared as I requested?”

  “Yes. I will remain in case assistance is needed.”

  “Good boy.” The bed groaned as Kalidasa sat upon it. “Rise, Shardul.”

  I rose from the floor and for the first time made full contact with the chief’s piggy eyes. Avijit handed the goblet of the ritual drink to the chief and stepped back. Kalidasa sipped and handed it to me. I drank my share down. He motioned for me to disrobe. I invoked a blessing and revealed the masterpiece that Sandhya had crafted of me. Kalidasa took in the sights and then beckoned.

  I remembered the first time. Fifteen and no money, I was rooting through ash cans for food. A middle-aged man in a suit bought me some chips and offered me a few quid to go to his car. Afterward, I vomited chips and all up in the street. The next one asked me to come back to his flat and pose for some pictures. That’s where I met Ricky. He took me to Denny. So began my illustrious career. A never-ending parade of perverts leading up to this one.

  As Avijit had predicted, it was short in duration. Then the Chief pulled me to him, slobbering over my neck as he searched for the pulse. The points of his fangs drove in and then retracted. A scream arose from my memory. I offered the prescribed prayers to the Goddess. She stood in her alcove across the room. Her eyes stared blank and cold, back at me. The twisted mouth remained silent. Once again, what was left of my soul my soul battled its demons alone.

  The shrieks inside my head subsided when the chief pulled away. Far from feeling consecrated, I felt as used and dirty as if I’d done him in a public loo. My head swam from loss of blood. Avijit handed me a goblet to restore myself. Kalidasa lay like a beached whale on the bed. Avijit cleaned him up, while I gathered my discarded clothing from the floor and dressed.

  The chief extended his hand to me. “You are a rare artist, Shardul. This is for you.” In his palm lay a ring set with many-colored stones. He slipped it onto my finger. It hung loose on me. He caressed my hand between his. “Fine, strong hands—I’ve only seen one other with hands to compare—also a musician of great talent. What an adept he could have made. Instead he makes headaches for me. Such a lovely boy too… Go now, you may tell your master I am well-pleased.” He yawned and snorted, scratching his vast belly, until he fell into a satisfied slumber.

  I arranged my hair under the headband. Avijit tapped me on the shoulder. “You’ve done very well,” he whispered, ushering me toward the door. “Sandhya is waiting to take you back to your new chamber in the ashram.”

  “Your sister, you mean?”

  “Mortal ties of blood mean nothing to Kali Maa’s children.” Despite his gentle reply, Avijit’s eyes burned in their brown depths. My powers of observation had sharpened as an Immortyl, and I knew he was lying. He changed the subject, “I was doubtful you had the makings of an adept. You do understand that you’ve only reached the lowest degree? You have much more to learn of the art.”

  I nodded, but in the end, artistic talent and grace meant nothing. All the sacred trappings didn’t disguise the truth of this degrading encounter. Just another trick in a long line, after a while they faded from memory, but the accompanying self-loathing went on and on. Only one thought had
kept me from retching all over Kalidasa, and that was Raj. My body cried out for him like a junkie craves smack.

  Avijit let me out of the door and closed it quietly behind us. Sandhya greeted us. She whispered to her brother so as not to disturb the sleeping mountain behind the door. “Well—how did he do?”

  Avijit shook his head, poker-faced, “A disaster—tripped over his choga and broke the figurine of Lord Ganesha by the door.”

  She stared at him aghast, until he broke into a dimpled smile and chuckled. Sandhya hit him hard on the back of his head like she often did me. “You little baboon!”

  “He acquitted himself very well. Lord Liu, however, will be a challenge to him.” He gave a snarky little smile and bowed a namaste. “Blessings, sister. Sleep well, brother.” He slipped back inside the door and closed it behind him. Wanker.

  Sandhya nodded and smiled at me. “You had me worried when you forgot to lower your eyes before him at the banquet. Lesser beings have been killed for such bad manners. Not a bad first effort though. Come along—I’ll take you to your new quarters.”

  She led me back to the ashram and threw open the door to a richly furnished room with a large bed standing in the center. I touched the orange draperies around the bed, my nerves still too raw to enjoy the perks. The overhead fans cooled the air, which smelled of the perfumes employed by an adept combined with Sandhya’s Immortyl scent.

  Sandhya went about opening doors and fussing. “You will entertain Raj in his apartments when summoned, and go to others as ordered, but the ashram is our sanctuary. Here you will meditate and serve Kali Maa. Your costumes are in the wardrobe along with your western clothes. Here—a gift for you from me.” She gestured to the small, carved chest. Inside she’d placed all of the adept’s materials in the cunning silk lined compartments. Several as yet stood empty. “Ornaments go into these. The ones you are wearing are a gift from Raj. It is customary for one’s master to give the first.”

  I started for the door. “I’ve got to thank him.”

  She blocked my way. “He’s otherwise engaged. You’ll no doubt be called to his chamber tomorrow night. You should meditate and rest now.”