My Fearful Symmetry

by Denise Verrico

I couldn’t help it. I grinned back. “Guilty as charged, my lord.”

  He chuckled, leaning forward in his chair. “An exotic dish in these parts.”

  I sensed he liked to laugh and played along. “If you like haggis, my lord.”

  Raj cringed as if he’d die when I said that, but our host laughed out loud and swept his hand toward the center of the hall. “Will you play something for us?”

  “With pleasure, my lord, but if you’ll forgive, my repertoire is a wee bit unconventional.” I lifted my guitar to illustrate.

  “Are we to be treated to some rock and roll?”

  He was wicked fun, I decided, and it emboldened me. “Not tonight my lord—but I do take requests. Perhaps something from my native land, an old ballad?”

  “Charming. Please, if you will.” He motioned to a slender Chinese girl dressed in pearl-colored silk. She brought a padded seat for me and set it in the middle of the floor. I thanked her. Sinking down, I touched the strings of my acoustic and lifted my voice.

  “All in the merry month of May,

  When green buds they were swellin’

  Sweet Willie Green on his deathbed lay

  For love of Barb’ra Allen”

  The ballad was old when my Mum had sung it to me. It was old when Raj was born. I wouldn’t be bragging when I say the sad, pretty tune evoked a tear in the ancient’s eye. The high note I hit near the end drew a sigh from someone in the room. I took a bow. Lord Liu applauded, and the others followed suit. My master beamed.

  The host took to his feet. “Bravo! Will you favor us with another?”

  “With great pleasure, my lord.” I resumed my seat and took up the guitar.

  Just as I played the first chord, a man dressed in a fine western suit entered the hall and bowed to the elder. “My Lord Liu, I beg forgiveness for my tardiness. One of my concubines has gone missing. Have I permission to send out some dogs to search for her?”

  “Of course Miyaki, with all haste.”

  The alpha bowed and withdrew. The elder motioned for me to go on with my song. I sang more Scottish ballads I’d learned as a lad. Lord Liu’s alphas looked mystified by my outlandish performance, except for the white one, who yawned a lot, but when Lord Liu requested I dance, they attended. Recorded music left a lot to be desired, but the hard-driving piece I’d danced at my debut induced a similar effect on all who watched. Even the pale one glued his steely eyes on me. Applause shook the room when I finished. I bowed low, panting with exertion.

  To my surprise, the host beckoned for me to join him at the table. This wasn’t form in India. Not sure what to do, I obeyed. A boy around my age in appearance placed a bench near Lord Liu, but a tad lower than the elder’s. I smoothed out my choga and sat down. Alphas around us continued to eat and talk business. Lord Liu turned to me with a smile, ignoring them. “You must be hungry.”

  For once I found myself tongue-tied. This august presence overwhelmed me. Managing to summon my wits, I replied, “Truthfully, I couldn’t eat a bite, my lord. Besides, my senses must remain keen for the ritual.”

  “I won’t hear of it. You must eat something. My chef is excellent. Here, these prawns are delicate. They won’t make you sluggish.” He served me himself. Instead of the usual soy based sauce one might expect, the shellfish bathed in a crimson-colored emulsion. I salivated. “You have a fine voice, and you play very well.” Lord Liu ladled shellfish onto my plate.

  I navigated the chopsticks rather well, I thought, glad Raj had taken me to so many posh ethnic restaurants in London. I stopped just short of stuffing a prawn into my mouth. “Thank you, my lord.”

  “In time, you may well earn the title of gandhavra.”

  High praise indeed, a gandhavra is a celestial singer, the male counterpart of the asparas, voluptuous dancers who attend the devi. This compliment was only accorded to artists of extraordinary talent. I actually blushed—after all I’d done in the past few years. “Thank you, my lord, I’ve been playing and singing since I was a wee lad. I love music more than anything.” I placed the shrimp between my lips, careful to make the move look graceful and seductive.

  Intent eyes watched me as I chewed and swallowed. A certain sigh of satisfaction escaped me. The blood-enhanced sauce contrasted perfectly with the prawn. I struggled not to gobble the rest down.

  He clapped me on the shoulder. “Good, isn’t it? Since you’ve become Immortyl, food takes on a entirely new level of sensuality, does it not?”

  “The blood doesn’t hurt either.”

  He picked out a few more prawns from the serving dish and dropped them onto my plate. “Your style of dancing is strong rather than delicate. One is reminded of a warrior.” I nearly choked. Had he heard about my killing the two rats in the ashram? Sandhya had never mentioned it after that night. He handed me a goblet of blood to wash down the food. “I’m quite serious. With your strength and agility, you’d make quite a swordsman.”

  “My vows don’t allow me, my lord—thankfully. I’m far too much of a coward.”

  His gaze narrowed in a shrewd, calculating way. “Nonsense, you survived the adept’s ordeal, few manage that.”

  “I did my lord, but I don’t care to again.”

  He kept on studying me. “Kalidasa didn’t name you Shardul idly. You have all the grace and beauty of a tiger—and its potential for danger.”

  This took me aback. Did Lord Liu suspect me to be an assassin? Why else would he say something like this to a courtesan? I’d grown used to being fussed over for my looks and talent as a musician, but no other had ever discerned this quality in me before. I remembered the dance Avijit had taught me, and how I’d taken to swordplay like a duck to water. Killing the rats had elated me.

  “Don’t mind me. In my mortal days, I used to choose and train Imperial guards. I still have the knack for spotting a good sword arm.” Hard fingers crept over my hand to grasp the said limb. He leaned closer to speak into my ear. “I could teach you a thing or two.”

  “I’m told you’re a challenge to an adept, my lord.”

  “Sandhya told you that, or was it her twin?”

  “Both.”

  His lips lingered over my ear. “It took both to sate me.”

  A shiver passed through my body. I had the feeling I’d be put through my paces before the night was out. “Perhaps I should help myself to that duck as well?”

  He laughed and passed the dish to me. As new delicacies appeared on the table, Lord Liu would place some on the plate in front of me, until I protested I’d be unable to perform at all. Every so often, he’d be addressed by his alphas or Raj about some political matter or the impending deal, but he’d wave them off and turn back to me.

  After an hour or so the elder rose, signaling the banquet’s end. Alphas went off with various beauties attending them. Raj’s assigned partner from the previous night waited by his seat. He accepted her hand, and she led him out of the hall with her odd gait. The tall girl who’d brought my seat bowed to Lord Liu. He stroked her smooth cheek. She returned his smile and withdrew. One of his concubines, I supposed.

  He crooked his arm around mine. “Come—I want to show you my private garden.” We strolled outside into a moon-washed courtyard. Green bamboo formed a screen of privacy around us. I stood enraptured by the sight of feathery cypress and drooping cherry trees. Peace and beauty like that are rare anywhere, and Immortyl senses are hyper aware. Rushing water and tinkling wind chimes soothed the ear, yet my heart galloped. The elder seemed taken with me, but Kalidasa’s warning of punishment reverberated in my head, heightening the stakes of this encounter.

  Lord Liu walked me onto a red-painted bridge. Below us, lotus blossoms floated on the surface of a pond full of spotted Koi. The elder pointed out his favorite fish, telling me that some were many years old. He sprinkled crumbs from his pocket and the fishes’ sucker mouths devoured them. Colorful ducks scrambled over their backs, quacking for their share. I laughed like a child.

  He turned to me with a smile. “
How did you come to be among us, my friend?” I told him my tale of woe. He nodded in sympathy then pressed crumbs into my hand. “Your turn.”

  I tossed bits of food over the duck’s heads to the swarming fish. He rested his elbows on the bridge railing. “I trained as a soldier when I was a boy, but I longed to be a scholar. In time I became lord and founder of this Immortyl house.” He laid a hand over mine. “You’ve embarked on a lengthy journey, Cedric, and the first path isn’t necessarily the final. You’ll find that in this long life it branches many times. Did you ever dream you’d be here with such as me?”

  “Hardly.” I ran a fingertip down his arm to his hand and dropped my voice to the whispery note of the bedchamber. “I’m trembling with anticipation of the ritual, my lord.”

  He smiled to himself and tossed more crumbs to the fish and ducks. “Greedy, aren’t they? All rushing to partake of my bounty, like my alphas, and your master…and you as well, I suspect.”

  Uh-oh. “No my lord, I care nothing for tributes—only for the glory of Mother Kali.”

  He turned to me with a grave expression. “You’re a sham, Cedric MacKinnon.”

  My mouth dropped open. He’d pegged me as a fraud already. I had to salvage this, or Kalidasa would hurt me. “Give me a go. You won’t regret it, I promise.”

  He drew himself tall, backbone stiff. “I’m sure your skill is worthy of Sandhya’s training…”

  “Listen, you seem like a reasonable sort. If you don’t like me, I’m in big trouble. At least give me a chance. I’ll make all your dreams come true.”

  His long finger poked into my chest. “You’re an irreverent scapegrace who doesn’t care a fig for tradition.”

  I thought I had an inkling of where this was leading. “I am…I’m a very naughty boy…and you can do whatever you want.” I fell to my knees and tugged on his coat. “Whip me if that’s what gets you off.”

  He broke into a laugh, collapsing onto a bench. His breath came in gasps as he struggled to contain his amusement. “Don’t be foolish, you know you’ve cast a spell over me. You’re a breath of fresh air in this miasma of intrigue. I understand that you’re meant as a bribe so I’ll sell that property in Thailand to Kalidasa, but rest assured that I truly enjoy your company. To be able to relax and laugh with a charming and intelligent companion is a gift I treasure. An elder is forced to be always on his guard; usually one or more of my alphas is plotting against me.” He offered a hand. “Well then, shall we give you the opportunity to be lavished with gifts befitting your matchless beauty?”

  I accepted his grasp, rising to my bare feet. “I rather like the sound of that.”

  The elder led me inside to his private chambers, which were even more sumptuous than the room I’d been given, decorated with dark woods and brocades. A pale green tea service reposed on a small table. From the aroma, I knew it contained not tea but warmed blood and the ceremonial herbs. “You see how thoughtful my Xin Yan is? She anticipates my every need.”

  “I look forward to meeting my sister adept.”

  “You saw her at the banquet, the woman who brought your seat.”

  “I wouldn’t have guessed. She dresses more plainly than we do in India. We tend to get rather tarted-up as you can see.”

  “She is my comfort and serenity. I couldn’t do without her. Each adept has unique qualities and style that they bring to the art. Your guru Sandhya scintillates and inspires with her eloquence. I understand she rules the ashram with efficiency. In today’s world she would have found her calling…perhaps in politics?”

  I had to laugh. One could easily see Sandhya running affairs of state.

  “On the other hand, her twin Avijit is a soft touch, like my Xin Yan. No doubt this is why Kalidasa favors him over the others. That gentle-mannered boy wields surprising power in the chief’s household.”

  True, Avijit officiated as steward over the chief’s house. Even the dogs obeyed his orders. I wondered how long that would last under Giulietta’s reign.

  Lord Liu pointed a finger at me. “You have great Yang energy—far too dominant for a dasa of the Mother.”

  “I’m a mere musician, my lord. Nothing makes me happier than to perform.”

  “Perhaps…but your destiny may well lead you to a different calling. These are strange times we live in, my friend.”

  I gestured to the table, allowing the sleeve of my choga to flutter as Sandhya had taught me. “Shall I serve you, my lord?”

  He nodded and settled into a carved chair by the table. I took up the pot and poured as I’d been taught, presenting a cup to him on bended knee. He took the cup and sipped from it. Then he placed it to my lips. “Drink, you’ll have more need of it than me.” I drank until the cup was drained. Dark eyes burned into mine all the while. He took the cup away and ran his thumb over my lips to wipe away drops of blood. I opened my mouth and grazed my fangs over it. This act somehow was the most erotic moment I’d ever experienced. His breath caught and heartbeat accelerated. “In private, we’ll dispense with honorifics. You may call me Li Cheng. That is my given name.”

  My lips pressed against his hand. I glanced up. “You’ve conferred a great honor on me, Liu Li Cheng.”

  He leaned back in his chair, cradling the cup in his hands. “Let’s savor this slowly, my friend. Sit with me a moment.” I rose and sat beside him. The back of his hand swept over my cheekbone. “You are so very young… Vulnerability shimmers over you like mist over an untroubled lake. Others will attempt to drain this quality, because it has been so long since they have truly felt anything. Fortunately for both of us, I haven’t lost all humanity. I can delight in your youth and sensitivity without raping it from you—but some will subject you to pain and humiliation in the name of pleasure. I would never do so. An artist like you is a precious gift to be cherished. You do give your consent?”

  Dangerous talk to an adept—his resonant voice both caressed and commanded. I craved guidance, and he’d pinpointed qualities in me that I’d barely recognized in myself. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that I had a duty to perform for my masters. But there was no reason why I shouldn’t enjoy it. “It’s no chore with someone like you, Li Cheng. I want you…very much.”

  “To the young who come to us now, sex is no longer a divine mystery, but a mere biological impulse. Few care for elegance and ritual anymore or have the patience and fortitude to learn the skills properly. Your art is dying out. Most likely, you will be the last of your kind. Indeed, there’s a marked distaste for the art among the new breed. I find this very sad, but in these egalitarian times I understand why.” He took a deep breath, the tip of his tongue moving over his lip. “I expect all details of the ritual to be performed flawlessly.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “You may begin.”

  The elder demanded a lot from me that night, but I was happy to give it. I left him well into the morning. Exhausted, I made my way back along the corridor to my chamber, wearing a yellow silk robe embroidered all over with red dragons. He’d draped it over me before I’d left his room, explaining it had it once been an Imperial prince’s robe.

  I padded my way down the silent corridor to my room, surprised to smell the sharp tang of cigarette smoke. The Australian alpha blocked the path to my door. He grunted to me. “Still can’t get used to sleeping when the sun is up—an insomniac vampire.” He reached out and took a lock of my hair in his fingers. “Well, look at you, all decked out like a princess.”

  “Prince,” I said, squeezing by him.

  He grabbed onto my arm. “Whatever—so what is it you did with him all night long? Something really special they say.”

  “The ceremony is consecrated and never to be spoken of outside the bedchamber.”

  “Oh, la-di-fucking-da, I figure you took it up the bum and all.”

  “This conversation is distasteful.” I pulled away.

  He grasped my arm harder. “Don’t run off. You’re really not bad for a bloke. Why don’t you show me a few o
f your moves? I’ll give you a nice present and all.”

  “I’m a temple artist, consecrated to Kali Maa, not a whore.”

  “Don’t go in much for all that mumbo jumbo, love. No matter how you dress up a pig—it still squeals like one when you stick it.”

  I jerked my arm away. “This conversation is over.”

  He made a grab for my shoulders, but I put a deft twist on his bollocks, a useful move I’d learned from Ricky after the night I’d been gang-raped. The Aussie doubled over gasping, as I broke free. “Bleedin’ little tart! I’ll make you pay for that.”

  A masculine growl escaped my throat. “Just be glad I don’t tell Lord Liu that you’ve insulted me.”

  I broke into a run toward my room, but he was still grasping his groin and didn’t pursue. Throwing the door open, I bolted it behind me. My chest heaved. I wished I’d ripped off his testicles. Stripping off my choga, I looked into the mirror. Great ugly bruises covered my shoulders where he’d grabbed me. Lovely. They’d fade by nightfall, and I’d return to a smooth and unblemished state as an adept is required to be, but it struck me that this little encounter was nothing compared to the sanctioned abuse I’d be subjected to again and again in the name of Immortyl politics. I’d never really recovered from being raped as a mortal. This carrion crow feasted on my insides, screeching that I was just a worthless, impotent whore. I gathered the cheerful yellow robe close around me. Despite all the lovely things Li Cheng had said to me, his warning about the others resonated most. This residual vulnerability was something they would continually ravage, and unless I learned how to protect my inner self, I’d go completely mental before long.

  I rooted through my adept’s chest and came up with a wee vial of the sticky syrup. Sandhya said the opiate was only to be used in the blood and wine cocktail for the ceremony. The little glass tube with its ornate stopper twirled in my fingers. It never failed to induce a feeling of euphoria and wipe out all the ugliness inside me. I opened the vial and poured two drops more onto my tongue than the one she’d cautioned me to use. Washing it down with water, I lay down on the bed and seethed with suppressed rage. Plugging my iPod into my ears, I cranked up Space Oddity. Bowie’s voice droned into one ear and then floated into the other. I ached to do bodily harm to all those who reminded me of my impotence, to take a knife to that Australian git and cut him into bloody pieces to eat raw.