My Fearful Symmetry

by Denise Verrico

  Loneliness washed over me. My guru and I’d been constant companions for these past months. The last thing I wanted on this night was to be left alone with my demons. “Sandhya—please—don’t go. I have so many unanswered questions.”

  She crossed to the door and opened it, turning to me. “As senior adept, I will be available to advise you when needed. It is up to you alone to continue in the quest for spiritual and artistic perfection.”

  I took her by the arms. “Don’t leave me alone tonight, Sandhya. I’ll go mental if I don’t have someone to talk to.”

  My fingers brushed over her bare skin. A breath caught in her throat, and she blushed. Her pupils dilated and scent betrayed her. So, she wasn’t made of stone like the image of our patroness. I picked up her hand and kissed the palm. A sigh escaped her. I expected to be slapped, but she allowed my lips to linger. When she attempted to pull away, I grabbed her shoulders and snogged her proper on the mouth. For one delicious moment she sagged in my arms. Just as fast, she backed away and assumed her officious persona, pretending that this moment between us had never happened. But it had.

  She threw open the door to my wardrobe. “Tomorrow night, you leave for Hong Kong with Raj. Your bags are in the bottom of the wardrobe. Here are three new costumes. The green is the most ornate and is meant for the first night banquet. Take your sitar and the chest with you. There is recorded music for your dances in there. You may wear Western garb for traveling. Don’t fret and worry. Lord Liu is a gracious and generous lover—a true admirer of our art. He will set you at ease and want to converse with you.”

  “What do I say to someone over two millennia old?”

  “He will want to know about you. None of your jokes, understand? An elder of Lord Liu’s stature commands the greatest respect. Delicacy and restraint, Cedric, he knows every ritual to the letter. A female adept, Xin Yan, is in service to him. Many years ago he sent her here, and I trained her as I trained you. You will send my regards on to her.”

  “Please don’t go. Stay with me awhile. I won’t touch you…I promise.”

  A pained look came over her face. “You have made your vows and are now the mother’s dasa. Your love is consecrated to her. No matter what happens, you must do as she prompts.”

  She slipped out of the door and shut it, leaving me with a terribly empty feeling. I wrapped my arms around my body, unsure of what to do next, not tired. Weary would be a better word. Crossing the room, I sank to my knees, before the altar with its small figure of Kali. Fresh hibiscus flowers twined around her, their delicate appearance at odds with her terrible image. Striking a match, I set the candles glowing at her feet. I chanted and tried to meditate, but the vows I had spoken were just words to me, and she was just a statue. To be an adept was only another skill set in the trade I’d taken up at fifteen. Maybe it was a religion to the others, but for me it was just another day’s work at something I was pretty good at to begin with.

  I rose to my feet and stripped away my silks. Sitting in front of the dressing table mirror, I took off the ornaments and put them away in the chest Sandhya had given me. A cloth dipped into a jar of some goop wiped the paints from my face. The pale visage staring back startled me. The same green-eyed tart Raj had picked up in London lurked under the exotic mask. Perhaps I hated this prostitution, but I craved all the applause, attention, and subsequent material gain my calling might bring. This body could stand a lot more abuse in order to feed my ambition, but would my greedy brain ever be satisfied?

  SEVEN

  When I woke the next evening, a flower-bedecked tray filled with all manner of delicious things sat outside my door. I stuffed myself for the first time in months. After ceremonies around the statue, I dressed in Western clothes for the trip to Hong Kong. The new costumes lay on the bed next to my valise. The adept’s chest Sandhya had given sat on the bedside table, ready to go. A light knock came at the door. I opened it. Raj’s small slave, Monkey, stood there. He bowed to me.

  “Don’t do that,” I said.

  He snapped to attention. “Shardul, the master says you are to come to his chamber.”

  “Tell him I’ll be there as soon as I’m done packing.”

  “He says you must come immediately.” Fear widened his brown eyes. The poor mite trembled like a dog that had been kicked a lot. I knew the look. I’d seen it on my own bruised person enough.

  Kneeling, I took him by the shoulders. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll go now. And my name is Cedric, right? What’s yours?”

  A heartbreaking smile came over his face. “Naveen.” He patted the silken pile on the bed. “I can finish packing for you.”

  I smiled back at him and rose to my feet. “That would be great, thanks.”

  I picked up my shoes and ran barefooted all the way across the courtyard to Raj’s apartment. The door opened before I could knock. Beeshom glowered at me. “The master is waiting for you…Plaything.”

  Raj entered the room. “That will be enough. Beeshom, see to my bags.”

  The goon grumbled under his breath and left us. My master broke into a grin and opened his arms.

  I threw myself into his embrace. “God, I’ve missed you!”

  “You were magnificent last night. I almost didn’t give your favor to Kalidasa when I saw you. Soon, you will perform the ritual for me.”

  I tugged him toward his bedroom. “Right, let’s go then.”

  He laughed and pulled me back to him. “We’re leaving within the hour. If you do well with Liu, we’ll have a week afterward in Bangkok together. Here, I had this made for you. I wanted to give it to you in private before we left.” He produced a rearing cobra ring identical to the one he wore, set with emeralds with a tongue of tiny rubies, and slipped it onto my finger. “So you’ll never forget where your devotion lies, Beauty.”

  “How could I? You’re my whole world, Raj.”

  An insistent knocking interrupted us. Raj sighed. “Enter.”

  Avijit stood there. A long look passed between the adept and my master before Avijit bowed. “The Exalted Father wants to speak with you before you go.”

  Raj gestured at the adept like one would bat away a fly. “Very well, make sure Shardul’s luggage is brought around to the car.”

  The adept made no indication of disapproval, but it nevertheless hung in the air between them. Avijit bowed and left us. No doubt he’d seen his sister displaced time and again by others. It put Avijit’s dislike for me into perspective. You could hardly blame him. Still, it didn’t make him any less insufferable. I followed Raj down the corridor to the chief’s quarters. Kalidasa sat outdoors, breaking his fast with numerous dishes and a goblet of blood. Giulietta preened beside him like a spiteful swan and picked at a few white grapes on her plate. I made my prostration, flattening slug-like in the dirt before them.

  The chief cleared his throat. “Raj, I have just had a call from Gaius. The rebels have struck one of his properties in New York and wiped out his dogs kenneled there. His second in command, Diego, is coming to discuss the matter when you return from Hong Kong. It becomes critical that we maintain strong relations with Liu. In view of this trouble, we may need his influence.”

  “I understand,” Raj replied.

  “Rise Shardul,” Kalidasa said with his mouth full. I rose to face him. Bits of masticated food had sprayed out onto his beard. My own breakfast threatened to spew when I recalled the previous night’s events, but I composed my face into an adept-serene mask. He fixed a shrewd eye on me. “Your performance in Hong Kong is crucial to us. Lord Liu is a very powerful elder, and we rely on his support. You will do your utmost to please him, understand? If you fail to obtain results you will be punished severely. Is this clear?”

  “As crystal, Exalted Father; if I fail to please him, then he’s a corpse and beyond all pleasure.” I don’t know why, perhaps out of sheer nerves, but I flashed a cocky grin at him.

  Giulietta looked down her infinitesimal nose at me. “Insolence. He’s disrespectful to you, my lor
d. Can we trust this…redhead boy with such delicate work?”

  Kalidasa chortled. “Shardul is merely high-spirited. Our adepts are chosen for their cleverness as well as beauty and talent.”

  She laid a slender hand on his arm. “What I mean to say is, his saucy tongue may cause offense, my lord. As you say, Lord Liu is very important to us. Perhaps one more experienced and subtle is in order?”

  He pinched Giulietta on the cheek like one would a forward child. “Liu will find his quick wit and charm engaging—trust me, my dove. Raj, you know what is expected of you.” He raised a hand in benediction and chanted a prayer. “Blessings on your endeavors. You may go.”

  Giulietta eyes pierced like two darts. Her mouth attempted a smile, but I supposed after four hundred years with her disposition all she could manage was a sort of cat’s bum pucker. I made a gracious bow to her and the chief.

  As I followed Raj out through the gardens and to the car, he instructed me further. “Lord Liu might well be taken with your boyish looks and brash charm, but he’s no fool. You slip up one iota, and we are sunk. None of your street tricks with him—he’s a stickler for elegance and form. I’ll flay you myself if you shame me, understand?”

  “Yeah-yeah.”

  He took me by the shirt collar and shoved his face up to mine. “You can’t begin to understand what we are up against these days. It’s vital to our survival that we maintain good relations with the house of Liu.”

  “You make it sound like the fate of the world hangs on the strength of a shag.”

  Raj gave me one of those warning looks that precluded a thrashing. It wouldn’t do for the chief elder’s bribe to arrive at Lord Liu’s house with a black eye, so I clammed up.

  * * * *

  In the early morning hours, Kalidasa’s private jet landed in Hong Kong. After a long drive, we passed through rusty gates and into an enchanted world. The wings of a beautiful old house wrapped around us. We walked across a high-walled courtyard to a pair of doors decorated with tooled brass. Two dogs admitted us into a vast hall lighted with old-fashioned lanterns. Beeshom conferred with the two burly menservants, pointing out our luggage. I looked forward to sharing a bed with Raj for the first time in months, but to my dismay the men took up our bags and went off in opposite directions. Beeshom followed one of them. A boy appeared from behind a lacquered screen and beckoned to me.

  Raj ruffled my hair. “I’m sorry, Beauty, but it is customary for a visiting adept to be housed in seclusion. Once I’ve bestowed your favor on Lord Liu, you are his exclusively until our departure. You and I won’t even speak during this time. I’ll present you tomorrow evening at the banquet. Get some rest—you want to be at your best.”

  A girl minced up. She bowed low to Raj. I gave him one last, reluctant look as he took her pale hand in his.

  I followed the lad to a series of rooms on the opposite side of the courtyard. When he opened the door, I was sure there was a mistake. This place looked more sumptuous than Kalidasa’s apartments, fit for an emperor. The curtained bed hung with rich yellow and red patterned stuff, coordinating with the thick wool rug on the floor. Gold-framed mirrors and paintings depicting erotic scenes of every imaginable sort covered the silk-lined walls. The boy opened a large wardrobe, motioning to the inside. I set my adept’s chest on the ornate dressing table and unpacked my valise, laying out my silks to be hung up. The boy bowed again and gestured to the clothing.

  “What?” I asked.

  He squeezed out a few words in English and mimed hanging clothes. “I do?”

  “No—I’ll take care of them. Thanks anyway.” He stood alert, as if awaiting orders. “I’ll be fine. I’m used to looking after myself. Go now.” He didn’t understand. I doubt if he knew much English, and my lingering Scots dialect must have bewildered him. I waved my hand toward the door. “Bye-bye.” A grin of comprehension came over his face, and he made another bow to me. As much as I liked VIP treatment, I was a bit impatient with the boy’s fuss by now. “I’m not one of them. I’m just like you.”

  He held up his hands as if to say, “What?”

  I ushered him toward the door. “Bye-bye now—thanks.”

  He bowed several times as he withdrew from the room. I shook my head and set about unpacking the rest of my things. Hanging my costumes in the lacquered wardrobe, I examined the green outfit, all embroidered with coppery threads that matched my hair. Sandhya had chosen well for me. Stripping off my clothes, I sank down and went into the various Hatha positions to do my breathing exercises and such. When I finished, I went into the bathroom to prepare for bed. I surveyed the cedar tub with satisfaction, looking forward to a proper soak the next evening. Life as an adept had some advantages. I brushed my teeth and scrutinized my fanged reflection in the mirror. The translucence of my skin in the harsh light startled. Without the paint, I came off as unfinished. Only the henna marks still curled around my loins, chest, and neck. As much as I’d disliked the paint at first, it allowed me to assume a character, a kind of protective skin. Looking at myself like this made me uneasy.

  * * * *

  The pinging alarm on my wristwatch woke me at five p.m. I rose to execute the series of exercises prescribed by my guru. Afterward, I ran steaming water into the tub and sprinkled ritual herbs on the surface. I climbed in to soak in the scented water. Scenes of pleasured abandon with Raj danced in my naughty brain. I couldn’t imagine my assigned lover, but both Sandhya and Avijit spoke well of Liu. He couldn’t be as repulsive as Kalidasa. But could he compare with my master? Raj was the best-looking man I’d ever laid eyes on.

  I slipped out of the bath and patted my skin dry, smoothing on the scented oil. Then I dusted the glistening powder over my entire body. A line of Shakespeare reverberated in my head. All that glisters is not gold. Pushing these feelings of unworthiness from my mind, I sat to make up eyes and lips. Brushing out my hair, I made the small braids and then secured it back with the headband. I finished by adding ornaments to my ears, throat, hands, wrists, and ankles. When all was done I took out the jade-green silk and put it on. Transformation complete.

  At that moment Raj entered the room. “He’ll be swept off his ancient feet.”

  I pushed him out the door. “I’m not quite ready yet. I still have to meditate.”

  He glanced at his watch. “We’ll be late for the banquet.”

  “Sandhya taught me that an adept always arrives late in order to create suspense and heighten expectation.”

  “Or just to make a good entrance?”

  “Every eye must be focused on Shakti’s earthly representative.”

  “Go on—chant or whatever it is that you do, but be quick about it.”

  “Wait outside, the preparation ceremony isn’t to be witnessed or heard.”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake!”

  “And you and I mustn’t speak again until he releases me.”

  Raj withdrew, leaving me laughing to myself. I really didn’t give a rat’s arse for the religious rigmarole, but I enjoyed playing around with my newfound power to order my master about. In view of relaxation, I did close my eyes and took some cleansing breaths. Pulling my concentration about me, I chanted the mantra. This ancient one was a known fancier of adepts and would see through me if I slipped up. I really didn’t want Kalidasa to torture me.

  In a bold fit, I picked up not the sitar, but my acoustic guitar. I didn’t remember any rule against guitar playing. The instrument produced more interesting music, and my skill with it was greater. Sandhya had said that every adept brought his or her own regional style to the canon. I saw no reason why I shouldn’t do the same. Opening the door, I bowed to Raj. He noticed the guitar and made a face of disapproval. I smiled and shrugged. He gave me a look that said I’d better not muck it up and gestured for me to come along.

  I followed him down a long corridor to a dining hall. The ceiling rose high above, supported by heavy beams, drawing one’s eye upward. In the middle of the room, several Immortyl men sat at a long
table, all Asian save one brawny, Caucasian individual. In the center, rose a man whose pure white hair flowed down over his shoulders like an ermine cloak. He moved toward Raj and me, taller than most Asians I’d known, extraordinarily tall for someone who’d lived in the former Han dynasty, nearing my height. The austere, goateed face reminded me of some wizard in a fairytale. I wouldn’t have called him sexy, but you couldn’t look away from him. Sandhya was right. He commanded respect.

  Our host nodded to Raj. I remembered to make a deep bow, not the prostration required in the presence of Kalidasa, but one due Lord Liu’s rank as elder. I remained with my body inclined until he told me to rise. He and Raj clasped hands and exchanged pleasantries. I stood silent, guitar in hand, just behind Raj’s shoulder. The elder led Raj to an empty seat near his.

  “Honored guest, sit with me. My chef has prepared a feast fit for the Great Goddess herself.”

  The two of them sank into their chairs. I remained where I was, waiting for instructions. Raj cleared his throat. “Lord Liu, my esteemed host, I have brought this newly emerged adept and gift his favor to you for these three nights.”

  The ancient eyes turned on me. A curious smile curved his lips, like he suspected something amiss in the offer. “Such a princely gift can hardly be refused. Indeed, I have never seen a boy so exquisite—even among the favorites of Kalidasa.”

  Hah! Wait till I told Marco. He fancied himself the prettiest.

  “What is your name, beautiful one?”

  I dropped my voice low into my chest as Sandhya had taught. “Shardul, my lord.”

  His moustache twitched slightly, as if suppressing a laugh. “No, what is your true name?”

  That caught me by surprise. My voice scaled up to its normal tenor. “Cedric, my lord. Cedric MacKinnon.”

  A broad grin creased his face now. “You are a Scot?”