All of Me

by ANDREA SMITH

  There was only so much to be said about Jimmy Choos and Kim Kardashian’s sex life.

  Or so I thought.

  Apparently, there was a fuck load to say about it and with every new revelation, my dick took a new nap in my pants.

  I kept darting my eyes to the far corner where Heath and Autumn were folded in two laughing so hard, I was afraid someone might get hurt. Meanwhile, I was two Jenner stories away from experiencing a fit of narcolepsy.

  “And did you know she is now the richest self-made entrepreneur in America? Maybe, even the world. Truly inspirational.”

  Yawn.

  “Nope, I had no idea.” I answered, politely, taking a sip of my drink.

  What I really wanted to say was, “Check, please.”

  Except we weren’t at a restaurant and this wasn’t a date, per se.

  “What do you think about us joining those guys for a game of darts?” I proposed. A bored guy could dream, right?

  “Oh. Ummm, sure. But I’ll just watch. I’m not a fan of sports.”

  I was about to correct her but figured, fuck it. This was my opportunity to save what was left of the night and maybe with a crooked grin and a few flirty hints dropped here and there, we’d end up in bed with my dick finally getting the lead role in the evening’s festivities.

  Again, one could only hope.

  As we made our way to the darts corner, it became obvious that Heath and Autumn were totally hitting it off. Not to mention the empty shot glasses on the nearby table explaining the fits of laughter every time someone’s dart landed on a random guy’s table.

  For some inexplicable reason, their comfort level and their good time bothered me. Heath wasn’t even stumbling with his words, no stuttering in sight, he was just a regular guy having the time of his fucking life with my employee.

  There should be rules for that. A bro-code or something.

  With a glance over at Summer who had seated herself primly at the nearest empty table busying herself on her phone, I realized maybe there was a company rule about fucking your employee’s twin sister.

  Out of nowhere, I wondered if Autumn was bothered by our circumstance.

  “Come on Dirk, surely you can make a bull’s eye, right?” Heath yelled out as though he were forty yards away when, in fact, he was barely two feet across from me.

  “Dude, tone it down before we get kicked out for assholery,” I warned him with a heavy hand on his shoulder.

  “That’s not a word,” Autumn piped in and when she looked at Heath, they both burst out into uncontrolled fits of laughter.

  “I told you, he’s a total prude.”

  Now, I’d like to be able to say I took the high road. I really would. I mean, I was pretty much sober, what with the riveting conversation about reality TV superstars and all, so I could have pretended a bit of a chuckle and continued the night.

  Yeah, that’s not how it went down.

  I took that precise opportunity to put an end to the evening. I called Heath a cab and told Summer I would take her and Autumn back to their places because I was trying to be a gentleman.

  To be fair, I was trying to get laid and being a gentleman was always an easy in. No pun intended.

  Fifteen minutes later, Heath was on his merry way, literally (he was chuckling the whole way to the cab and beyond) and I had Autumn in the back seat while Summer was sitting up front with me.

  “Sorry about tonight, I guess those two got along well, huh?” I tried to make conversation, but Summer was apparently not a happy camper, giving me only non-committal huffs and puffs.

  Shrugging, I looked in the rear-view mirror where Autumn’s grinning face was taking up the entire view. She wasn’t sitting on one side or the other. She was in the very middle.

  For some reason, that made me grin. She was fun, a real spit-fire.

  Totally different from her sister.

  “You okay, back there? These are leather seats and they don’t play well with puke.” I joked, but not really.

  To my horror, Autumn’s face suddenly transformed into a drunken nightmare with the beginnings of a heave-fest.

  Fuck my life. Cleaning the vomit from my back seat would be the epitome of a bad date gone horror show wrong.

  With another glance in the rear-view, I did a double take when Autumn was grinning again.

  “Gotcha!” She said in a sing-song voice.

  With a few seconds’ delay, I belted out my own laughter and realized why Heath was having such a good time.

  Autumn was a complete breath of fresh air. Real and unapologetic. Everything a woman should always be.

  “You’re gross,” this from Summer, which brought me back to reality.

  Honestly, at this point, even my dick was bored with her. I wasn’t completely ready to call it a night though. Those pouty lips of Summer’s might just redeem themselves in a one on one situation.

  When I arrived at Autumn’s apartment, I parked on the side of the road and quickly jumped out to help her up and out.

  Now, say what you will about me but never let it be said that I wasn’t a good guy when the situation called for one.

  Helping Autumn out of the car wasn’t as easy as one would think. The middle seat isn’t exactly easy access when trying to pull a drunken person out.

  “Autumn, I’m tired. You need to get out. Now.” Came Summer’s annoyed voice.

  Helping Autumn all the way to the door while Summer preceded us with the key, I couldn’t help but chuckle at her antics. She was a regular encyclopedia of useless facts and they were all spewing out of her mouth in record time.

  “Did you know that Rugby, North Dakota is the geographical center of North America?” Autumn asked, giggling softly.

  “Sure didn’t.”

  “Aaaand, Baby Robins eat fourteen feet of earthworms every day,” she continued. “Blows my mind.”

  “Wow.”

  This was still more fascinating than Summer’s conversation.

  “Also, it’s illegal, in Texas, to put graffiti on someone else’s cow. Although, seriously, it should just be illegal all around, right?”

  “Right. Cow’s have rights too.”

  “You gotta fight. For your cow’s rights. To paaaaarty!” Now, Autumn was singing at the top of her lungs as though the Beastie Boys had invaded her lungs. Summer was not amused.

  When we reached the entrance, Summer went in and Autumn nearly fell by missing the last step to the door.

  I caught her, in extremis, and had her pinned to the nearby wall for her own safety.

  Suddenly, there was total and complete silence.

  My chest was doing some strange heaving shit while Autumn stood perfectly still, her eyes wide open like a doe about to get intimately acquainted with a semi.

  We were mere inches away and this was completely and utterly inappropriate but in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to taste Autumn’s lips and find out if her mouth was as fun as her sense of humor.

  “Come on, guys. What’s taking you so long?” Summer’s voice rang from just inside the door, breaking the spell we had both been under.

  Thank fuck for small favors.

  Thirteen

  Autumn

  I rolled over in my bed, noticing immediately that I was still completely dressed, shoes and all, in what I’d worn last night to the bar. My pounding head reinforced the fact that yeah, I’d pretty much gotten totally shit-faced the night before and trying my damndest to get the fog cleared was not gonna happen any time soon.

  I rolled out of bed, toeing off my shoes and put my hand up to my mouth and blew into it, inhaling the stench of my morning-after-a-tequila-lovefest breath.

  Fuck.

  I ran to the bathroom, immediately brushing my teeth and then gargling with about five capfuls of Listerine mouthwash.

  From there I went into my kitchen, put the coffee on, and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge. I grabbed a couple of i
buprophen, popping them into my mouth and downing the bottle of water within a minute.

  God, I knew better than to drink too much tequila! What the hell had gotten into me? Had I made a fool of myself? How in the hell had I even gotten home?

  As soon as the coffee was ready, I poured myself a mug and searched my purse for my cell. Thank fuck the battery hadn’t died. I had a missed call from Summer that had come in about an hour ago.

  I took a sip of my hot coffee and hit call back.

  “Thank God you called,” she said, “I was about ready to send the cops over for a well check on your ass. It’s nine a.m. Where the heck have you been?”

  Nine a.m. in Summer terms was the equivalent of noon for most people. She was a ball of energy and so disciplined about everything in her life. I envied that about her. I was more of a ‘fly by the seat of my pants’ type person. Still I generally was up by seven or seven-thirty even on weekends. I said a silent prayer of thanks to God for not allowing me to choke on my own vomit.

  “I slept late,” I mumbled, taking another sip of my coffee and wishing the ibuprophen would kick in soon. “Where are you?”

  “At the gym.”

  Seriously?

  “Summer, how did I get home? You didn’t drive under the influence did you?”

  She gave me her signature giggle. “No, silly. I wasn’t wasted. I was fine to drive. I’d only had a couple glasses of wine. But Dirk insisted on driving me home.”

  I felt a raw gnawing in my gut. Maybe a pukefest was in my very near future. “Oh,” I replied, “So that doesn’t answer my question, how did I get home? Did Heath drive me? He was pretty wasted as I recall.”

  “Damn, you don’t remember anything, do you?” she replied. “Dirk and I dropped you off first before going to my place.”

  “Oh?”

  “Oh what?” she said.

  “Nothing. I just don’t remember. So, he spent the night? Spill it, Sis,” I said, trying to sound jovial, while my stomach was still churning. “Was he good?”

  “Autumnnn,” she whined, “We didn’t do... it. You know better than that,” she finished. “I mean, yeah we made out just a little bit but I didn’t let him get to first base. I think he actually respected that.”

  I felt duly chastised, and a bit envious.

  “I made him sleep on my couch. I needed access to my car this morning so I could make it to the gym at my usual time. He lives clear across town and I figured it would make more sense logistically for him to crash here. I got him up at six-thirty to drive me back to get my car. He was real nice about it.”

  “Yeah. A good guy,” I replied, the fingers of my free hand massaging my right temple. “Hey, I didn’t do anything really outrageous or job-threatening, did I?”

  “Not that I saw. But you and Heath were in that back room most of the time, so not sure what happened back there. Dirk and I were heavy into conversation so I couldn’t watch every move you made. So, tell me, are you into Heath?”

  “I like him. He’s pretty cool. But Summer, what I meant was did I do or say anything on the way home that was inappropriate?”

  “No. Not really. You were just... you,” she said with a chuckle. “It seemed like you were having a great time. I think Dirk respects and values you as an employee. He told me how well you’re doing with your show. I’m really proud of you, Autumn.”

  “Thanks, Sis,” I replied, smiling into the phone. “I’m glad you and Dirk hit if off well. And for the record, I found Heath to be a lot of fun too.”

  She squealed with delight. “I’m so happy to hear that. I really hope we can all double date again.”

  Wait... what?

  “Summer, that really wasn’t a double date. It was more of a ‘let’s all hang out thing.’ I don’t even know if Heath is interested in me. We just hung out to give you and Dirk some time to chat. It’s no big deal.”

  “Well,” she said slowly. “Do you want me to ask Dirk the next time we talk if Heath is interested? Because it sure looked to me like he was.”

  “Umm... no, thanks but hey, I hope things go well with you and Dirk. Listen, I have to go. Need a shower and have laundry to catch up on. Let’s meet for lunch sometime this week if your schedule permits.”

  “What do you mean if my schedule permits?” she asked sounding perplexed. “Are you trying to blow me off here or what?”

  “No. No, not at all. I’m just hung over as hell and have shit to do around here. I didn’t mean to sound like a grump.”

  “Okay, got it. I’ll call you this week. Hydrate yourself Autumn. And make sure you get some exercise. It really helps in releasing endorphins that will give you an energy boost, okay?”

  “Got it, Sis. I’m on it.”

  Once we got off the phone I headed for the shower, trying like hell to dredge up memories of last night. I totally didn’t remember getting a ride home.

  God, I hoped to hell Summer was correct in saying she didn’t witness any peculiar or inappropriate behavior on my part last night. Dirk was my friggin boss here. I didn’t want him to think I was an empty-headed lush!

  Maybe one of my themes for Midnight Caller this week will be dumb shit people have done under the influence of alcohol.

  Yep. That might just work.

  I wasn’t looking forward to Monday for some reason. It just felt weird that Dirk had stayed over at Summer’s. I knew it wasn’t any of my business, but still, it bugged me.

  Maybe it was because I knew the Roland who lurked inside of him. Maybe I didn’t want him hurting my sister or breaking her heart. Or sleeping with her.

  Where did that come from?

  I stayed in the shower, letting the spray of hot water wash over me while I tried my damndest not to dwell on things I could not change.

  Fourteen

  Dirk

  Monday morning. Fuck you Monday.

  Let’s recap, shall we?

  Saturday night or as I liked to refer to it: The Cluster Fuck-less Night, was a total dud on all fronts.

  I liked wooing women; I was normally very good at it. The subtle compliments, the “accidental” brushes of the hands, the riveted attention on their every word. The longing looks with the occasional sexy smirk but not too many or risk looking like a sex-crazed loser.

  I knew the boundaries, the subtleties of seduction.

  I was the fucking Woo Master.

  So why the hell had I not gotten laid Saturday night? If I had that answer, I wouldn’t be picking up my phone to call 900 fucking Ramona.

  Between Autumn’s sister and her aversion to cuddling, something about clogging up her pores, and the “moment” Autumn and I shared outside her home, I was a complete paranoid mess.

  Was I losing my touch?

  Honestly, on a normal day, Summer would have been screaming on five different octaves and bouncing on my cock like a bull rider on crack.

  For fuck’s sake. I was now in possession of way too many celebrity anecdotes. A blow job would have been nice.

  It all started out perfectly. However, after making out in her living room for a good twenty minutes, Summer put a halt to our shenanigans when my hands found their way up her blouse. It was then she offered me her couch and driving across the entire city sounded worse than blue balls. So, the sofa and I became good friends.

  The next day, I was out the door before seven.

  I now knew what the walk of shame felt like.

  Not cool and my sincere apologies to all my past lovers.

  But that wasn’t even my biggest what-the-fuck moment. Oh no.

  My biggest concern was the “HRcalypse” because that look Autumn and I shared was not normal. It was something chemical and dangerous. I prided myself on my control and level-headedness, but I was ready to jump her on the spot. And for the ever-loving life of me I couldn’t figure out why.

  In that moment, I did not have a type. All I could think about was getting closer to her and tasting her, n
ine ways to Sunday.

  So, I figured calling Ramona would help my brain slow down.

  What if she complained to HR? They would follow protocol and call my father because that was their job and our Human Resources took their jobs annoyingly seriously.

  “Hey good lookin’, callin’ so soon?” Just hearing Ramona’s southern drawl calmed my nerves but also had me tenting my pajama bottoms.

  It was a few minutes past nine on Monday night and my day had been shit. Besides having my sex life, or lack thereof, on the forefront of my brain, I also had to deal with another unannounced visit from my father.

  Waterboarding looked less torturous than a business discussion with my old man. He’d wanted to see the numbers on Midnight Caller, compare them with the show he’d created back in 2002 about the rise in terrorism and blah blah fucking blah. Obviously, the show, back then, was getting some serious air-time but then, context is everything.

  Today, nobody trusted the news from any of the reporting outlets and everyone out there was a fucking political expert, so I decided to go in the other direction.

  Two things will always sell: Sex and hate. Usually those two could be used together for a direct trip to the bank. Everybody knew that but what everyone was missing was the goose that laid down the gauntlet and gave it like she saw it.

  Enter Autumn Dey.

  I needed a catch phrase for her.

  “Let Autumn Dey it.”

  “Autumn Takes the Fall”

  “Don’t Fall for Autumn” Fuck, I needed that to be my mantra.

  “Hey, Ramona. How are you?” I was already rubbing my cock up and down, listening to her voice. It was nice and relaxing. Damn, I needed to come.

  “How was your weekend, sweetheart?” she asked, all honey and sweet. “Did you go trolling for new game?” she teased in her cute southern accent way. And now I was envisioning Ramona’s blonde hair like a halo on my pillow while I licked honey off her tits.

  “It was shit, to be honest. I went out on a date with a beautiful woman, a body to fucking die for and a face that makes angels cry…”

  “But…?” she asked, like she was sitting at the edge of her seat waiting for a crumb of information.