by Kristie Cook
“It’s ok. People will just talk even worse if I’m not there. They’ll say Tate killed me or something,” I joked and tried to make light of it. “I’ll go, I’m fine.”
“If you’re sure. I’ll make you pancakes in the morning, ok?”
“Mrs. Ruth, it’s ok. I know the twins keep you up at night. Really, I’m fine. You guys are doing just fine at taking care of me. You don’t have to try so hard,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, honey. It’s been a pleasure having you stay with us. Your parents are so proud of you. I guarantee it.”
“Thanks.”
“Night. Let me know if you need anything. You know I’ll be up,” she said wryly making me laugh.
“Ok, thank you.”
She closed the door and left. I collapsed on my bed, wondering how the day had ended like it had. Pulling my knees up I felt the sting in my chest and buried my head under my pillow. He hadn’t known it was me coming up behind him … but still. Why would he punch someone he when he didn’t even know who it was? Just because it was me still didn’t make it ok for it to be someone else.
I lay down just like that, my bra on and jeans, face under my silk pillow case and feet hanging off the side of the bed. I closed my eyes and realized my subconscious had been invaded when I was standing back at the school gate. I was leaning my back against it and there was a presence over me. It wasn’t ominous, though I felt if it had been seen by someone else they would have thought so. He leaned in, his face shaded and dark like before, his breath overly warm and powerful before my lips. He spoke.
“I’ve waited a very long time for you. Please don’t hate me.”
“Why would I hate you?” I whispered, fearing my voice would no longer work.
“I’m not a good person. I’m an evil thing that has fallen under your spell,” he muttered and ran the back of his hand down my cheek and neck.
“Eli?” I asked, testing my theory.
“Is that who you want it to be?”
“I want you to be who you are.”
He hesitated, then the shadow lifted from his face as he inched closer and I was struck by his face. He was unlike anything I’d ever seen. He looked like him, but not. He was so completely breathtaking with his gorgeous ruggedness and imperfections and he was looking at me like I was the only thing he wanted in this whole world.
“What did you mean you’re an evil thing, Eli?” I asked.
“I am … something I can’t describe. I’m not worthy of you in any sense of the word, but I must have you. Do you understand? You have ensnared me, bewitched me, and I can no longer exist without you with me.”
“I barely know you,” I whispered.
“But I know you,” he said cryptically against my cheek, kissing my scorching flesh. “Open your eyes, sleeping beauty.”
I gasped aware on my bed and felt my cheek where he had laid his soft lips. It was still too warm to be normal. I sat up and looked around. Oh, man. My imagination was working overtime. Was I becoming one of those pathetic girls who couldn’t get a boy off her mind to the point of obsession, usually ending in restraining orders and timed served at a mental health facility?
When I lay back down and closed my eyes, I was alone.
The next morning I woke with a start. A quick glance at the clock showed I was borderline running late so I hurried to jump in the shower. The bruise was a little more angry today, but still not horrible. I put my hair up in a ponytail and worried over my wardrobe. I’d have to pick something to hide the bruise. I put on my black turtleneck under my school vest and earrings with a necklace so I didn’t look like I was trying to cover anything up.
I was just normal me. The mirror said as much and I grabbed my bag swiftly from the chair and raced downstairs. I kissed all the babies and grabbed an apple as I shoved my way out the door, trailing loud goodbyes in my wake.
Once I reached the street though, I was suddenly overcome with a sense of embarrassment and shame. What had happened last night would no doubt be the talk of the school today. My steps faltered and I looked around at all the faces. There seemed to be a lot of eyes trained on me but then looking away quickly. I straightened my back and slung my bag further up my shoulder.
I was not going to cower for something I didn’t even do.
I walked all the way across the street and saw a few people who normally didn’t talk to me wave at me and smile. I returned it and looked for my friends. I saw Megan and Deidre … with Eli. Deidre had her tacky fake nails on his arm and was pushing her chest against him as she laughed at whatever he was saying.
And just like he could sense me, Eli looked up and directly at me. He watched me watch him and then he craned his neck, his expression changing, and began to come forward but Dee grabbed his arm to stop him. I wondered what was wrong but then I felt it. The warm, gentle hand on my wrist and the eerie quiet of the courtyard as everyone watched.
Tate.
“Hey. I’m glad you came today. I was so worried about you last night but you’re phone was dead and the Pastor wouldn’t get you for the house phone.”
“I’m surprised you came,” I said softly.
“Why? I had to see you,” he said and came closer, his hand drifting down to rest in mine.
I heard a bunch of murmurs and gasps and looked around to see everyone’s eyes still glued to us. I pulled him by his arm, feeling Eli’s eyes on me, and took a swift glance to confirm that. He looked like he wanted to follow, but I towed Tate all the way through the school to the girls bathroom. I shut the door and turned against it for support as I faced him.
“What’s wrong, Tate?
“Nothing,” he said and looked at the floor. “I’m fine. I just got really mad. That guy was cheating.”
“Don’t lie to me. Not to me.” He took a deep breath before letting his book bag fall to the floor and shoving his hands in his pockets. “Steroids, Tate? Really?”
“You don’t know what it’s like!” he yelled and I flinched.
He saw and came until he was flush with my toes. He touched my cheek. “You can’t think I’d ever hurt you. I’d never, ever, hurt you, Clara. I love you.”
He finally said it. After he hit me and humiliated me in front of the whole school, he says it.
“Tate, I can’t do this. You can’t just say, 'yes I’m taking steroids' and expect everything to just go back to normal. Stop taking them!” I yelled and he seemed surprise by it. “Get your crap back together! You could have killed that guy! Do you even understand that?”
“I know, ok!” he yelled back. “I know, but what can I do about it now? I already got a court date for it. Friday I have to see a judge and them tell me what they’re gonna do to me. That guy pressed charges so …”
“As he should have, Tate. You really hurt him.”
“My mom was worried you were going to press charges, too,” he muttered and looked at me from under his lashes. I noticed his parents weren’t worried about me, just Tate’s reputation.
“Pastor wants me to, but I told them I had to talk to you first.”
“That’s my girl,” he crooned, cracking a smile and pulling me to him. “I knew you’d know I never meant to hurt you. It was an accident.”
I pushed him back a little. “This isn’t over, just like that. You hurt me, Tate, and scared me. Watching you hit that guy over and over … I never want to see that again. That’s not who you are.”
“I know it’s not. I’m sorry. Babe, I’m so sorry. I love you, please, please, forgive me,” he begged into my neck.
“I’m working on it,” I told him. “But you have to stop taking them.”
“Already did. I flushed it all last night when I got home. I’m done, babe. Promise.”
“Good.”
I let him kiss me, though I wasn’t into it, he didn’t seem to notice. I noticed he never asked to see my bruise or if there even was one. And after a few minutes we made our way, well passed the bell, into the empty hall and he walked me to my first
period class. He opened the door for me and kissed me right in front of everyone as they all looked to see who was coming in late. My cheeks flashed scarlet and I wanted to ask Tate why he had done that. It was like he was telling everyone ‘See, she forgave me, ha!’
The rest of the week went just like that. Tate was extra attentive, especially in the halls where everyone could see. Our group of friends pretended that nothing had happened at all and everything was fine. And Eli.
When I lay down at night and closed my eyes, Eli was right there, every night. The first night he pulled the collar of my shirt down with his finger to see my bruise and winced. He said he’d kill him if I’d let him. We almost kissed every time and he always told me he needed me and wanted me more than anyone else. In real life, he was different.
He watched me, always watching, and Deidre seemed to cling to him whether he wanted her to or not and he let her, but everyone could tell he was just humoring her. I heard her say he was taking her out on Saturday, but who knew if that was true, knowing Dee. He never spoke to me unless it was about school stuff as he walked with me to classes and in Art. Things were strange, awkward in an oddly comfortable way. It seemed that Eli was just waiting for me. And I was curious about the dream-like visits and how I felt so strange around him.
And Tate. He had spent every night at my house. Despite Pastors' advice, I let him come over and told them everything was fine. It was all just a big misunderstanding. They didn’t seem convinced, but let me have it anyway. Tate tried to seduce me in his truck before we went in every night. I told him he didn’t have to try to make up for anything anymore. He said he wasn’t, he just wanted me so badly. I had to physically push him to stop him twice, which I’d never had to do before.
He said he wanted to come walk me to school the next day so I let him. He pulled up in his truck but instead of walking he lifted me onto the seat and climbed in beside me. He drove into the parking lot of the school and parked. Then he pulled me onto his lap immediately and began frantically kissing me. He kissed my neck and tugged my hair to pull my head back to give him more access to my throat. He moaned and groaned, using his hands to pull me against him. When he started to unbutton my shirt I slapped his hand away and asked what he was doing.
“What does it look like?” he said and laughed. “Look, babe, the windows are tinted. I love you and I know you love me. No more games, Clara. I’ve waited and paid my dues and now it’s time we were together. I know you want to.”
He gripped me too tightly on my thigh and licked my earlobe. I pushed him with both hands and looked at him closely. He looked like a wild caged animal. Then I knew. “You’re still taking them,” I accused in a whisper.
“I have to,” he said, not even trying to deny it, “until the meets are done. State is coming up. Then I’ll stop. Come on, Clara. Don’t be such a stick in the mud. I’ve been taking them for three months now and you never noticed.”
“Well, I notice now.” I started to climb out, but he grabbed my arm.
“Where do you think you’re going? You can’t just leave me hanging like this.” He motioned to his boy parts and I felt sick. “Help a guy out, Clara,” he sneered and I jerked from him and tried to straighten my clothes as I walked away, leaving my bag and everything.
He yelled at me, where everyone could hear in the parking lot. “Tease! Don’t ask for it if you’re just not ready for it, honey!” he said snidely and I heard him laugh.
I ran towards the bathroom, feeling tears on my cheeks and everyone’s eyes watching me, once again. I rammed right into someone turning the hall corner and felt warm arms go around me. I didn’t even care who it was at that point, I just wanted someone, but I knew it was Eli. Without even looking up, I knew it was him.
“What did he do, Clara?” he asked softly.
“He’s just being a jerk.” I leaned back to look at him as I wiped my eyes and saw that familiar expression, but it seemed tame now. Under control. “I’m sorry I ran into you.”
“You didn’t. I ran into you.” At first I thought he was making a joke, but he meant it. He must have seen what happened and intercepted me. “I’m sorry you had to go through this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. Here.” He put his arm around my back and pulled me with him. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
He took me to the girls bathroom and I watched fascinated as he came in with me and lifted me so I was sitting on the sink. He looked down and I saw his eyes bulge and his expression turned angry. I looked down and saw two of my shirt buttons were open and the buttons ripped off. Tate had been rougher than I thought.
“Oh,” I said and covered myself.
“Here,” he said and took his shirt off leaving a black wife beater on. Then he slipped that off, too ,and I heard my breath catch. Oh my, but he was nice looking. He had a huge scar on his chest, over his heart in the shape of a circle. It looked like a brand of some kind but the rest of him distracted me. He was lean yes, but that didn’t mean he was missing anything. His arms and upper chest were lumps of muscle and toned skin. His black uniform pants were riding low on his hips, his blue boxers sticking slightly out of the top.
I felt my cheeks burn hot and turned to gaze at the wall, covering my mouth with my fingers.
“Off,” he said and motioned with his hand, up.
“What?”
“Shirt, off,” he repeated.
“Close your eyes.”
He smiled and chuckled silently. “Of course,” he conceded.
I unbuttoned my red uniform shirt and as soon as I was done, with his eyes still closed, I felt him tug his wife beater over my head. It smelled heavenly and I bit my lip to keep from sniffing the collar right in front of him. He opened his eyes and pulled my shirt back on over his, doing the buttons so that his shirt peeked out the top and my bra was no longer visible.
“Better?” he asked as he put his shirt back on and wet a paper towel to wipe my face. I assumed my mascara was running.
“Yes, thank you. You’re pretty handy.”
“Did he hurt you?” He ran a tentative hand down my arm, turning it over to inspect.
“Not really.”
He pulled the collar of my shirt down to inspect the bruise and he nodded as I fought to keep my breaths even. “It looks better today.”
“Better? When have you seen it?” I asked and watched him closely for some reaction.
The only time he’d seen it was when he came to me when I closed my eyes. He looked up at my eyes now and stared in silent contest … as if daring me to say the words. To say we shared some kind of dream-walk thing. But that was crazy right? I mean, that’s just something my subconscious had conjured because I was apparently obsessed with him or something, or maybe my mind made up something to help me get through all this.
“Are you done with him now? Has he hurt you enough to show you he’s no good for you?” he said evenly, not answering my question.
“I just … he’s got so much going on right now. He wouldn’t really hurt me,” I protested and looked down as I fingered my popped buttons. “At least , I didn’t think so. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”
“Look,” he said and waited for me to obey. His words were even, but his tone was anything but. “I will not stand by and watch him hurt you again. The next time he does this, I’m going to have to do something about it.”
“I don’t think they’ll be a next time. He just … I-” I took a deep breath and pushed him back a little to hop down. “I’m gonna go. Thank you for helping me. I don’t know why you keep coming to my rescue, but I’m grateful,” I told him and smiled, walking to the door.
I turned around to look at him. He came around me, so close behind me I could feel his warmth.
“You’re more than welcome, Clara Belle,” he whispered in my ear and stuck something in my front pocket. “My cell number. Call me if you ever need me.”
“How did you know my name?” I asked, but when I turned he was alr
eady gone.
***
At lunch I sat with my friends, though I didn’t want to, I didn’t know what else to do. Tate sat on the end with his boys, looking ripe with guilt. He stared at me across the table, slouched in his chair, and begged me with his eyes to forgive him. I just looked away and refused to look at him again. No one asked if I was ok, not even Sarah. No one asked me why I wasn’t sitting with Tate. They all knew and didn’t care or refused to upset the balance of the cool table.
Eli took the only seat available when he showed up, the one Deidre had reserved. She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his cheek as soon as he sat down.
I waited for him to tell her to stop, something. But no, he just let her touch him. I found myself extremely upset by that. Dee of all people? Sarah was way sweeter if he was looking for someone. But why did he have to be looking? After all the flirting, all the strange chemistry between us … ugh … who was I kidding? I still had a boyfriend. Sort of ….
Dee looked right at me a few times, she could tell I was watching, as she sifted his hair or gripped his arm playfully as she spoke into his ear. He looked stoic, but she didn’t notice or didn’t care. Probably the latter.
After some time, I couldn’t just sit there anymore. I got up and went to get a soda from the machine across the room. I realized I shouldn’t have after I was halfway across because I was getting lots of sympathy stares and then some ha-she-got-what-she-deserved stares too. It was unnerving. I put my money in the machine and turned to find Patrick.
“Hey, Clara.”
“Hey, Pat. What’s up?”
“Um … I was wondering … there’s a dance coming up.” Oh no. Please don’t ask me. Patrick was a really tall, cute guy who had an unfortunate case of shy-guy. He hung out with the skateboard crew because they were non-threatening, but I’d always liked him just fine. “I was wondering if you think Sarah would go with me?” he finished.
I smiled. It wasn’t me, it was Sarah. Honestly, I knew she would never ever go out with him because he wasn’t part of our table. Though, she had once divulged to me that she thought he was adorable. But as I glanced over Pat’s shoulder and saw Dee draped all over Eli, I didn’t care about that. It might be a good distraction for my group.