I looked over at Nathan, stretched out on the bed, and felt guilty that I’d pushed him away now. I put my glass down and walked across the moss-like carpet. Lying down beside him, I ruffled his hair. Nathan stared at me for a moment before he took me in his arms and kissed me.
41
Gemma
Located on the ground floor of our hotel was one of Nice’s most famous casinos. Within its walls, it housed three roulette tables, two hundred slot machines and five blackjack tables. Nathan was ecstatic. His eyes lit up and almost began spinning in time with the fruit machines when we stepped inside.
This was my first visit to a casino, and what struck me the moment we walked in was the noise: ringing bells and the sound of money tumbling from machines wasn’t very relaxing. Not to mention the seizure-inducing flashing lights that blinded me when I looked in their direction. We’d been here less than five minutes, and I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy the experience.
As I glanced around the interior, I couldn’t help noticing how it had been cleverly designed to keep players inside, spending money. There was nothing in here to distract a person from gambling. The outside world had become non-existent. No windows or clocks were visible so you’d never be able to keep track of the time.
As I fought my way through crowds of gamblers, I felt like we were stuck in a giant maze, intentionally set up so we’d get lost in it. I had to remind myself we were here to have fun, but I had to confess, I found the whole place extremely unpleasant.
The presence of so much security made me uneasy. I hadn’t expected the casino to be such a closely watched place, but there were security guards and camera domes all around me. I suppose it made sense really. With all that money at stake, people might be tempted to try and beat the system. No wonder cameras, laptops and other electronic devices had to be left outside.
‘This is great, isn’t it?’ Nathan sat mesmerised tossing money into a one-arm bandit, as he sipped on a cocktail.
‘Yeah, this is my kind of heaven.’ The constant noise and undertone was giving me a headache.
I was surprised Nathan wasn’t bothered by the surveillance, especially since he’d been caught on CCTV recently and was wanted by the police. But he was under the spell of the fruit machine, and nothing was going to distract him from that.
Having lost most of his money on the slot machines, Nathan decided to try his luck at blackjack. He took a seat at the green-felt table opposite a black-vested dealer. The dealer shuffled and placed two cards face up in front of Nathan. Then he put two more on the table in front of himself, one facing up, one facing down.
‘Wish me luck, Gem.’ Nathan kissed me, then the corners of his mouth lifted up when he looked at his hand.
‘Good luck.’ I crossed my fingers under the table.
Nathan had the ace of spades and the queen of hearts. One of the dealer’s cards was the six of diamonds, but there was no way of knowing what the other was. Without any hesitation, Nathan put down a purple chip.
‘Isn’t that worth five hundred euros?’ I asked, hoping that I was mistaken.
‘Yes,’ Nathan replied, smiling at me.
I inhaled sharply, as he confirmed what I’d feared. ‘Why are you betting so much?’
Nathan leant towards me and whispered in my ear. ‘It’s OK, Gem, I’ve got twenty-one – that’s a winning hand. There’s no way the dealer can beat me.’
Seeing Nathan sat at the blackjack table in a trance-like state, hypnotised by the cards in his hands, made my stomach turn. I couldn’t bear to look. It would have been bad enough if it was our money he was spending, but it wasn’t, it was Alfie’s, and that was only going to make our financial problems worse. The sad fact was Nathan didn’t care; he was a risk-taker.
‘Please don’t bet as much as that.’
But Nathan wouldn’t listen to me. He just couldn’t help himself. I felt like grabbing the chip back off the table and dragging him out of the casino before he could spend any more. But it was too late. The dealer had already signalled that no more bets could be placed.
I’d seen enough; I didn’t want to know the outcome of the game. I needed to get out of this place and go back to our room. Nathan didn’t even bother to look up from his cards when I slipped away.
The casino was like a labyrinth of machines and tables that all looked the same. I felt like I was trying to swim against the tide, in an endless sea of them, as I battled my way through the crowd, trying to find the exit. Alfie’s piercing blue eyes picked me out in the swarm, so I gave him a black look before I walked out the door.
*
Having climbed the stairs to the first floor, I suddenly realised that Alfie was behind me. I made my way along the corridor, located the card that opened the door to my room and pushed it into the slot. Alfie’s hand appeared on the door above mine, so I glared over my shoulder at him.
‘What do you want?’
‘Calling it a night so soon?’ Alfie was standing so close to me, I could feel his breath on the side of my face. ‘So you weren’t tempted to have a gamble then?’ Alfie smirked.
I drew in a deep breath and willed myself to stay calm, knowing he was hoping his comment was going to provoke a reaction. I almost convinced myself to let it go, but as I attempted to detach myself emotionally from the situation, something snapped inside me. I’d had enough of the way Alfie was controlling our lives. He was a bully. I decided the only way to deal with a man like him was to stand up to him.
‘What the hell are you playing at, Alfie?’ I wasn’t in the mood to be messed with.
‘Excuse me?’ Alfie gestured for me to go inside. ‘If I’m about to get one of your lectures, I’d rather you did it in private. I’ve got my reputation to think of,’ Alfie said, and his face broke into a huge smile.
‘Why did you take Nathan to the casino? You know what he’s like with money,’ I said through gritted teeth. Alfie knew Nathan would never be able to resist the temptation. He’d lined him up to fail.
‘Lighten up, Gemma. He’s just having a bit of fun. Is that such a terrible thing?’ Alfie cocked his head to one side.
I didn’t care what he said, Alfie was exploiting Nathan. He wouldn’t finish playing tonight until he’d lost everything. Then we were going to owe even more money. Alfie knew damn well we had no way of paying it back.
Alfie traced a line with his thumb over my lips. Then he ran it down the front of my neck until it rested between my breasts.
‘What makes you think you have the right to touch me?’ I fumed, pushing his hand away. I stood frozen to the spot, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, wondering what he was going to do next.
Alfie wrapped his strong arms around my waist and pulled me towards him. He was so close to me, I could smell his aftershave. ‘Because you owe me, Gemma.’
‘But you said our debt was no longer relevant.’ I tried to sound strong, but my voice gave away how scared I was.
‘I didn’t say I was writing it off. You still owe me.’
‘It isn’t even my debt. It’s Nathan who owes you the money.’ I glared at him and folded my arms across my chest.
Alfie bent his head down and whispered in my ear. ‘But I don’t want to sleep with Nathan. He’s not my type.’
‘Well, you can forget that idea. That’s never going to happen.’ Alfie made my skin crawl, and if he thought I’d have sex with him to clear the debt, he could think again.
‘You know how to hurt a man’s feelings, don’t you?’ Alfie clutched his heart then threw his head back and roared with laughter. ‘I’m usually surrounded by people who say what they think I want to hear. But you don’t give a shit; you just tell it like it is. That’s one of the things I like about you.’
For a moment, I considered letting his comments go. Even though I knew that would be the sensible thing to do, I wasn’t in the habit of backing down, and the words tumbled out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them.
‘It might surprise you to know this, bu
t I don’t care what you think about me. That’s why I speak my mind.’ I looked Alfie squarely in the eyes.
Alfie smirked. ‘Nobody else would get away with talking to me the way you do. But it makes a refreshing change. It’s a novelty. I like your spiky attitude.’
‘You think I’m spiky because I have no desire to be the teacher’s pet; it isn’t something that interests me.’
‘That’s too bad because you already are. In my eyes, you can do no wrong.’ Alfie flashed me a bright smile.
I’d never been in a situation like this before. There was no logical reason why Alfie was pursuing me. I couldn’t work out what he was playing at. He’d told me he wouldn’t accept this behaviour from anyone else. So I came to the conclusion that it was all about the chase. Hopefully, he’d get bored with it. But it was human nature to want what you couldn’t have, and rich, powerful men like Alfie always liked to get their own way.
Alfie caught hold of my hand, led me across the room and sat on the edge of the bed. When he pulled me down onto his lap, I could feel he was hard, and my heart started racing.
Alfie took my hand and ran it over the front of his suit trousers. My lungs tightened at the thought of what was facing me. Alfie was a strong man, and physically, I was no match for him. I wanted to cry out, but what was the point? Nobody was going to come and help me.
‘Fuck off, Alfie. I want you to get out of my room right now.’ Heat flushed my face when I shouted at him. I tried to keep the palm of my free hand from rising, but my brain didn’t want to co-operate. As the slap echoed through the room, I leapt to my feet and watched Alfie’s reaction. He flinched when my hand made contact with his skin, leaving his cheek red and throbbing. What the hell had I just done? There was no way I was going to get away with that, I thought. The look of anger in his glare said it all.
Alfie touched his cheek with his fingertips. ‘You’re lucky I’m a gentleman.’
As I was about to speak, Alfie put his hand up to silence me.
‘So I take it you’re turning me down. Your rejection is breaking my heart.’ Alfie laughed. ‘That’s a pity – you might have enjoyed it. I’ve never had any complaints before.’
Alfie grinned then fixed me with his intense blue stare. He got to his feet, poured himself a Jack Daniel’s from the minibar and swallowed it in one gulp. I kept hoping Nathan would burst into the room any minute and save me, but Alfie and I both knew that was never going to happen. He was preoccupied with trying his luck on the slot machines and games tables. Nathan seriously thought he could win more than he lost. He firmly believed that the next roll of the dice would bring chips raining down from the sky. But in reality, he was haemorrhaging money that we didn’t have while I was trapped in a bedroom with a sex-starved, horny gangster.
Alfie suddenly leant towards me and pressed his mouth on mine. I could taste the whisky on his lips. ‘If you get lonely waiting for Nathan to come back, I’ll be in my room.’ Alfie backed me into the wall and ground himself against me, but then he pulled back and headed out of the door.
42
Gemma
Love was a complicated business. I couldn’t help feeling let down by my husband. His selfish behaviour was hard to forgive. How could I respect someone who was so determined to put his own needs first, whatever the cost?
I’d experienced this before where strong positive and negative feelings towards Nathan were co-existing. At the moment, the negative was outweighing the positive, and I felt like giving up on my marriage. I hated to admit it, but I was losing hope that things would ever get better. I was bashing my head against a brick wall. The only thing that could change a person was themselves. If Nathan didn’t want to change, then all of the effort I put into helping him was wasted.
Every relationship was unique and had its own set of challenges. Ours had reached a definite fork in the road. Instead of it making me happy, it was sucking the happiness out of me. Should I try and find the strength to let it go?
It was difficult to think about throwing away the hard work I’d put into our relationship. Nathan and I had been through so much together. I would hate to think that had all been for nothing.
In the beginning, I think we were afraid to admit to each other how we felt, in case it was one-sided. The fear of opening up was important for us to conquer. It was the thing that was holding us back. We’d had to push ourselves through the discomfort and face the fear head-on. Once we realised the feelings were mutual, there was no stopping us.
We were both dysfunctional in our own way, so when we found ourselves in a loving relationship, it surprised us both. I realised I could help Nathan get over his insecurities by giving him lots of love and he did the same in return. I was a complex character; my personality was full of contradictions. Getting to the bottom of my issues would be a challenge for the most experienced psychiatrist. But not for Nathan. He understood me on every level. We were so different but in other ways so similar.
I sometimes found dealing with Nathan’s insecurities emotionally draining, but I was hardly in a position to complain. He’d had to battle plenty of my demons over the years. Nathan could be selfish, but he was also fiercely protective of me, and the people who mattered in his life. He was a true white knight, even though I wasn’t a typical damsel in distress. I was a woman with a finely tuned bullshit detector and was capable of looking out for myself. I’d happily speak my mind if I thought somebody had stepped out of line. But it gave him so much pleasure to fight my corner. I wasn’t about to take that away from him.
By the time I met Nathan, he’d had plenty of experience. He’d taken on the role of protector from an early age, doing the things his dad would have done if he’d been around. Nobody else had ever looked out for me the way he did, and I appreciated it more than he knew.
I wasn’t enjoying walking the path I was currently walking, and it was fair to say that after everything that had happened, our relationship was in a bad place. It was falling apart at the seams. Trying to decide what to do for the best was agony. We used to thrive in each other’s company and believed that as long as we were together, we could face whatever life threw at us.
Surely it had to be better to attempt to repair our relationship no matter how bad it had become, rather than walk away without any conscious effort. I still loved my husband, so I didn’t think I would ever be able to give up on him.
43
Gemma
I lay in the darkness with only my thoughts for company, while I waited for Nathan to get bored of the casino and come back to our room. I realised now I shouldn’t have left without him, but I hadn’t expected Alfie to follow me. I’d had a lucky escape. For a horrible moment, I’d thought he was going to rape me. But thankfully, that wasn’t his style. He didn’t want to force me to sleep with him, he wanted my consent, and that was something he was never going to get.
I must have cried myself to sleep. In the early hours of the morning, I woke with a start. Somebody was knocking on the door. I pulled the covers around me, thinking Alfie had come back, but then I heard Nathan calling my name outside our room. My toes sank into the deep carpet as I walked over to the door and let him in.
‘Thanks, Gem, sorry if I woke you.’ The smell of alcohol on his breath was overpowering.
‘Please don’t tell me you’ve been in the casino until now.’ My throat was dry, and as I strained out the words, the pitch of my voice changed beyond recognition. It startled me; I sounded like Darth Vader’s daughter.
Nathan didn’t answer but gave me a drunken smile.
‘Do you know what time it is?’
Nathan shrugged his shoulders.
‘It’s three o’clock in the morning.’ I might have been half asleep, but I could feel anger rising within me.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise it was so late.’
‘Is that all you’ve got to say for yourself?’ I fixed Nathan with a glare.
‘I lost track of the time,’ Nathan slurred. He held on to the do
orframe, and his eyes began to close.
I stepped out of the way, and Nathan staggered into the room. Within minutes it smelled like a brewery. Lurching ahead, he made it across to the bed, before he launched himself fully clothed into it.
My heart sank when I saw the state of him. I know what Nathan’s like when he’s drunk. He spends money like water. He’d have been throwing it around like it was worthless.
‘You’re in no condition to talk about this now, but we’re going to discuss this tomorrow.’
‘OK, whatever you say, Gem.’ The moment the words were out of Nathan’s mouth, he fell into a deep sleep.
When he started to snore, I felt like putting the pillow over his head and suffocating him. Lying on my back, I stared up at the high ceiling, mulling over what had just happened. I was tempted to wake Nathan up and tell him that while he was in the casino getting steaming drunk, I was up here trying to fend off Alfie’s advances. But what was the point?
*
‘Good morning, Gemma,’ Alfie said, approaching our table while we were having breakfast. ‘You’re looking as beautiful as ever.’
My pulse quickened at the sight of him. ‘I think you need to get your eyes tested.’ I was make-up free, dressed in grey trackies and a white long-sleeve T-shirt and my long brown hair was pulled into a messy bun.
‘There’s nothing wrong with my eyesight. The sea air must be agreeing with you. You look fresh-faced and relaxed.’ Alfie flashed me a smile and looked over at the buffet table where fresh fruit and an assortment of pastries were laid out. ‘How’s the food?’
‘It’s great,’ Nathan replied, tucking into his omelette.
‘And the hangover?’ Alfie laughed.
‘I haven’t got one. I slept well,’ Nathan replied.
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