Beyond the Sea: A Modern Gothic Romance

by L.H. Cosway

  “And I have decided,” I told him evenly.

  “I thought you were different,” he said, frustrated.

  I turned to face him. “Can you only ever accept my beliefs if they match yours?”

  He deflated at little at this, one hand on his hip as he ran the other through his hair. “Fuck. No, that’s not what I’m saying. I love that you have such strong beliefs. Honestly, it’s completely fascinating to me, but there’s a big difference between practicing a religion and giving your entire life away to it. Becoming a nun isn’t the answer.”

  “Do you know the main thing I learned from those books you gave me? I learned that all religions are humanity’s way of trying to understand the world and how to live in it. We interpret things in different ways and Catholicism is my way of interpreting it. You don’t have to agree with my choice,” I said, emotion wobbling in my throat. “But it’s mine, and I’m standing by it.”

  He stared at me, his expression a smorgasbord of emotions; furious, perplexed, mournful. “You’re choosing to dedicate your life to a God that doesn’t exist, Estella,” he said quietly.

  His words cut through me like a knife. “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes, I do. No God would allow this world to be as it is, to allow such depravity and suffering and cruelty to go on and do nothing to stop its spread. If there is a God, then he’s nothing but a devil. If you want to spend your life serving a deity like that then you might as well not have a brain in your head at all, and I know that you do. So, I’ll ask again, why?”

  Frustration coursed through me. Just because God didn’t exist for Noah didn’t mean that God didn’t exist for me. Didn’t he understand that? Sometimes it felt like there was no reasoning with him when it came to these matters.

  “I don’t owe you an explanation.” I turned to walk away but he caught my wrist, spinning me back around.

  “Like fuck you don’t,” he said, glaring down at me.

  I stared back defiantly, and then his eyes lowered to my mouth. On instinct, I wet my lips, my heart pounding but not from anger.

  Our eyes locked, and I trembled when he captured my face in his warm hands, his thumbs moving back and forth over the sensitive skin at my jaw.

  “Remember this,” he whispered hoarsely.

  “Why?”

  His eyes took on a dark, seductive gleam. “Because if you make this fucked up choice then it might have to last you a lifetime.”

  Everything sped up as he lowered his lips to mine. Our mouths and bodies clashed, and my breathing stuttered. All the pent-up feelings I had for him tumbled out. I was unable to hide them now. My kiss with Kean might as well have been a million years ago because Noah’s kiss erased it completely. My chest rose and fell sharply as I sank into him, hands finding his strong, warm neck. I loved the feel of his skin. My fingertips skated shakily along his throat, and he growled into the kiss.

  “Keep touching me,” he rasped and then he lifted me. My legs went around his waist as he carried me over to the stone wall separating the field from the one beyond. He settled between my thighs, one hand caressing my cheek as the other clasped my knee. A feminine sigh escaped me as his lips found mine again.

  His tongue invaded my mouth this time, and my stomach flipped. Something tightened between my legs at the erotic slide of his tongue against mine. I couldn’t get enough of him as I pulled him close, as close as I could get without crawling under his skin. Tingles skittered down my spine, and my chest heaved, my breasts straining against him as electricity shot through me.

  “Tell me why,” he said against my mouth. “The real reason. Do that, and I’ll accept your decision.”

  I lifted my chin. There was barely a millimetre between our mouths, our breaths mingling. I noticed his breathing was just as laboured as mine. “I’m not seeking your acceptance,” I said, defiant again.

  “We both know that’s not true.” His green eyes practically glowed as he nipped at my mouth, and it took all my strength not to moan.

  His gaze held mine, and unspoken words hung between us. He was right. I did want his acceptance. His kiss sent me over the edge, and I was more conflicted than ever. One part of me wanted him to say I was making the right decision, but another part wanted him to tell me not to do it, to declare that he couldn’t possibly live without me. It was irrational, and there was no way to know if the strength of his feelings matched mine. All I knew was, ever since he walked into my life, he’s had a strange and powerful hold over me.

  I lifted my hand to his neck again and felt his heartbeat pounding away under his skin. I clearly affected him. Maybe his feelings did match mine. The very idea sent my insides into a tailspin. It had to be true. Why else would he be so incensed about my decision?

  “When he was a boy,” I began, speaking quietly. “My dad made a promise that he never fulfilled. His mother was very ill, and he prayed to God for help, promising that if He saved her life, he’d join the priesthood. Then he met my mother, fell in love and broke his promise. Ever since he failed to keep that promise, bad luck chased him until finally his life was snatched away forever. Now that same bad luck chases me, and if I don’t do something drastic my life could be snatched away just like my dad’s was.”

  “Oh, Estella,” Noah breathed, his voice washing over me as he absorbed my story. “There’s no such thing as curses. There’s just life, and sometimes life goes wrong. Believe me, I know all about it.”

  I shook my head. “It’s okay if you don’t believe, but I do. I can’t explain it, but I know there are forces out there far greater than what we can comprehend.” I didn’t mention the fact that the ghost of his dead father haunted me, or that I often dreamed of the past and suspected I might have psychic abilities. Telling him I believed in curses was bizarre enough for one conversation.

  “Entering a convent means I can finally finish what my father started,” I said, my eyes flickering back and forth between his. “It’s a small price to pay if it means I get to live my life without constantly looking over my shoulder, worrying that misfortune and death might be looming.”

  Noah’s eyes turned sad now, almost like he felt sorry for me. He probably thought I’d gone mad, that Ard na Mara had finally pushed me over the edge. His palm flattened out on my chest and practically burned a hole through my uniform.

  “You truly believe this?” he asked quietly.

  “Yes,” I answered, just as quiet.

  “Is there anything that could change your mind?”

  I shook my head. “Only a miracle.”

  I couldn’t decipher the look in his eyes, but something about it knocked the wind out of me. He seemed to come to some kind of conclusion when he replied, “I’ll support your decision.”

  My eyebrows jumped. “You will?”

  “I will.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  We didn’t break eye contact, and his hand was still flat against my chest. My breathing quickened, and my stomach began doing somersaults. Lust coursed through my veins. I knew in that moment walking away from whatever it was that simmered between Noah and I would be the hardest part of choosing a life of faith. Especially after how life-altering his kiss was. So powerful I doubted the memory of it would ever fade.

  Noah’s expression was sultry, his eyes hooded as they returned to my mouth. His lips tugged into the barest hint of a smirk. “Sister Estella. I quite like the sound of that.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not a sister yet.”

  “No,” he said. “You aren’t. And it’ll be a pity for you to cover up all this gorgeous hair, but luckily black suits you.”

  “I won’t necessarily have to wear a full habit. Most nuns wear normal clothes these days, especially if they have jobs in the community.”

  His smirk deepened. “Great. There goes that particular fantasy.”

  I swiped him across the chest, relieved the mood had shifted. All the fears and worries that resided inside me were just so heavy, so debilitating at times
. I needed the light, carefree moments to break them up.

  “Of course, that’s the first place your mind goes,” I chided.

  He lifted me off the wall, setting me on my feet, and a thrill went through me as he purred, “Got a brand to stick to, don’t I? Now get back on the bike and drive us home. You need the practice.”

  “No, I … I think you should drive us back.”

  He tilted his head. “Why?”

  I flushed deeply. “Because you just kissed the life out of me, and it’ll be a while before I feel steady enough to put one foot in front of the other, never mind drive a motorbike.”

  If his grin was anything to go by, he enjoyed my answer way too much. “Very well then,” he replied, a glint in his eye as he gestured to the bike. “Climb on.”

  ***

  When we arrived back at the house, Vee poked her head out the living room window, and a few moments later she appeared at the front door, looking shifty and nervous.

  “Estella, you’ve come home,” she said, and I was shocked by her demeanour. Gone was the usual resentment. She was even fully dressed, not wearing her pyjamas or housecoat. What was most surprising was that for the first time ever she looked happy to see me.

  “Um, yeah,” I said, handing Noah his bike helmet. “I have.”

  “I took the liberty of moving the few things you left to your old bedroom upstairs,” she went on. “I thought it was about time you started sleeping in there again.”

  “Oh,” I said, taken aback. An accommodating Vee was a surreal thing to behold.

  “I’ll carry your bags up,” Noah said, seeming pleased with the change in his sister. He picked up the two bags I’d left on the porch, brushing past me as he headed upstairs with them. I watched him go, unable to stop thoughts of our kiss from flooding my head as I turned back to Vee.

  “Things are going to be a lot different from now on,” she promised. “You go get settled and come down when you want dinner. I made another stew. I remembered you enjoyed the one I made last time.”

  Talk about surreal. I had no idea what to say, so I simply nodded and headed upstairs to my old room, the one I’d slept in when Dad was alive. Noah sat at the end of the bed, grinning away.

  “What are you smiling about?” I asked warily.

  “I’ve never seen my sister be so nice to someone before,” he said.

  I rubbed at my neck, looking around the room. “Yeah, it’s weird.”

  “It’s a good sign. I think she’s turned a corner.”

  “No offence, but I’ll withhold judgment until I see how long this lasts,” I replied, going to stand by the window and wondering what he was doing still sitting there. I could still taste him in my mouth, and I needed space to contemplate things. I also needed to let Kean know I wouldn’t be coming back to his house tonight, but I didn’t have his phone number. Then I remembered that Vee sometimes called his house. Maybe I could find the number in her phone book. Or maybe it would be better to tell him in person.

  Yeah, that seemed like the more respectful route.

  Now that I had a little distance, and after the multitude of emotions I’d gone through while out with Noah, I knew having sex with Kean was wrong. Even if I made it clear it would only be one time, he still had feelings for me and leading him on was just cruel. Besides, kissing him hadn’t been enjoyable in the slightest.

  I headed toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” Noah asked, tilting his head. There was a constant knowing, self-satisfied, sexy look in his eyes now. It was a look that said he knew what I tasted like, and it made my belly quiver.

  “Out,” I replied simply.

  He hopped up, blocking my way. “But you just got here.”

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  “I’ll come with you then.”

  I eyed him in annoyance. “You’re not coming with me. This is a private errand.”

  He moved closer, his arm brushing mine. “Okay, now I really want to know.”

  “Move out of the way, please.”

  “Not until you tell me.”

  He was so persistent. “I have to go see Kean,” I said on a heavy exhalation.

  Noah squinted, a shadow passing over his features. “I thought there was nothing between you and the boy wonder.”

  “There isn’t, it’s just …” I paused as I levelled him with a tired expression. “I had a momentary lapse of judgement, and I need to fix it.”

  I went to move by him again, but he moved, too, still blocking my exit. “Elaborate.” There was a cutting edge to his voice. It made me nervous.

  I stared at the floor. “I can’t tell you. You’ll be mad if I do.”

  He reached out to touch my chin, tipping it up with his fingers. “Estella.” He said my name in a way that managed to be both reprimanding and cajoling.

  Heat warmed my face and chest. Having him touch me again gave my whole body tingles.

  I still refused to meet his gaze, blowing out a breath. “When I told Aoife about my plans to join a convent, she said I should, uh, experience everything life has to offer before I commit to the decision. That stuck in my head, so I had this idea to ask Kean to help me, um …”

  “Experience everything life has to offer?” Noah finished, his eyes narrowing to slits.

  I nodded shyly. His expression hardened. A silence fell, and I sucked in a deep breath.

  “Anyway, I’ve changed my mind, so I need to go and tell him that.”

  One eyebrow slowly rose. “Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me everything?”

  Was I that obvious?

  “Well,” I hedged. “It’s just that when you called me earlier today, I wasn’t at the library. I was with Kean.”

  “You were with Kean,” he stated flatly.

  “We kissed,” I blurted. “It was a mistake, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I’m sorry I kissed him before I kissed you, but I had no idea you were going to kiss me today. You took me completely by surprise, and if I had any clue I never would’ve gone near Kean—”

  “Estella,” Noah said, gripping me by the shoulders. “Calm down.”

  I blew out a shaky breath, raising my eyes to his. “Are you mad?”

  He pressed his lips together. “Yes, but you don’t need to be so nervous about it.”

  “Okay,” I said, swallowing thickly. “So-o …”

  “So, don’t do it again.”

  “I have absolutely no intention of doing it again.”

  “Good.” The possessive shine in his eyes made my stomach flip.

  A moment of silence passed as he held my gaze. He seemed to be thinking deeply about something before he said, “You’re not going to take Aoife’s suggestion?”

  His warm breath washed over my skin as he leaned closer. I swear I’d never felt so mortified and turned on at the same time. “I don’t know. I’m pretty confused to be honest.”

  “What are you confused about?”

  I sent him a meaningful look as I whispered. “I’m confused about who I want.” I wasn’t confused at all. I just didn’t have the guts to come out and say it.

  Noah’s fingers swept under my chin and down my neck, his voice a whisper, “Who do you want?”

  Oh, just bite the bullet. I squeezed my eyes shut and answered, “I want you.”

  The air between us thickened. I didn’t open my eyes, and Noah didn’t say anything for a long moment, though I could feel the intensity radiating from him. Every inch of my skin was on fire.

  “No.”

  The single word had me opening my eyes. Noah’s expression was implacable.

  “No?” I repeated questioningly.

  “You heard me.”

  He didn’t need to explain himself. I knew what he was saying no to and hurt swelled in my chest at his rejection. “Why not?” I asked, a quiver in my voice. He’d kiss me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me?

  Noah captured both my cheeks in his hands, his gaze fierce. “Because you don’t
know the real me, Estella, and if you did, you’d be horrified by my wickedness.”

  “You’re not wicked,” I said, though at the back of my mind I still wondered. There was so much I didn’t know about him, and yet, I knew how I felt.

  “Yes, I am,” he countered. “I was moulded from cracked, malevolent claws, fashioned from materials that were rotten with decay. It’s not my fault, but I can’t change it. I kissed you because I’m selfish. You turn my self-control to ash, but I need to be selfless when it comes to this. It wouldn’t be fair for you to share your body with a creature like me.” He stalked away from me to stand by the window, raking a hand through his dark hair.

  “I don’t think you’re as bad as you believe,” I told his back.

  He spun around, a thousand tiny fires burning in his eyes. “What if I told you I spent the better part of the last decade in prison? Would you still want me then?”

  20.

  I stared at him, mouth agape. My mind raced to digest what he’d just said as someone stepped into the room.

  “Noah,” Vee spoke, her tone reprimanding. “Can I talk to you in private for a moment?”

  He stared her down, jaw tense, then strode across the room and out the door. Vee glanced at me warily. I was still trying to process what Noah just said.

  “He’s lying,” she stated flatly. “My brother likes to make up stories. Don’t listen to him.” With that, she left, and I sank down onto the bed. My hands were shaking. Somehow, I didn’t believe Vee when she said Noah was lying. Which begged the question, what had he been in prison for? I pulled out my phone, typing his name into a search engine to try and find any local news articles that might’ve mentioned him.

  Frustratingly, it came up empty, though his leaving home at such a young age made more sense now. If he’d been behind bars for the better part of a decade, that meant whatever crime he committed happened when he was still underage. Which also explained why there was no mention of it in the news.

  I tossed my phone on the bed, unable to relax. I could feel the anxiety multiplying within me, like cells splitting and replicating. Already, I felt suffocated in this house, and I’d barely been back an hour.