Beyond the Sea: A Modern Gothic Romance

by L.H. Cosway

  Remembering I still had to talk to Kean, I changed out of my uniform and into a jumper and a pair of jeans that were in dire need of a wash. They’d have to do since everything else still needed to be unpacked. I snuck downstairs and out the back door. When I reached his house, it looked like Kean had already invited some friends over. I worried my lip, not so enthused to talk to him while he had company, especially if Sally was in there. She was the absolute last person I wanted to see.

  I was about to turn and leave when the door opened. Kean stood in his jeans and expensive hoodie, a gleam in his eyes. I suspected he’d had a few beers since I last saw him.

  “Estella,” he said, drawing me into a hug. “You came back.”

  “Yeah, I, um, I’m not staying,” I replied, pulling away and his smile faded.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No, nothing’s wrong. I just … I’ve changed my mind.”

  Now he looked pissed. “You changed your—"

  “I’m sorry for leading you on,” I was quick to add. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  He shook his head, an angry laugh escaping him as he levelled me with a mean look. It was startling. He was normally so friendly, always with a smile on his face. “You’re a fucking tease.”

  I stared at him, taken aback. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” he sneered.

  At this, several of his friends came out to see what was keeping him. Just like I suspected, Sally was among them. Claire, too. Great. Just what I needed.

  “Did you shag her yet or what?” One of his friends asked drunkenly. “Because this has taken you so long it has to be a record by now.”

  “Nah, think I’ll have to accept defeat. She’s too much of a prude to give it up,” Kean said with a cruel twist to his lips.

  I glanced at Sally and saw her wearing a satisfied smirk. I frowned as my brain worked overtime. “Looks like she’s finally putting it all together,” Sally said as she brought her catty eyes to me. “Did you think he really had a crush on you? I bet him months ago that he couldn’t get with the holiest little virginal saint in my school, and I was right. Kind of disappointing. I thought you might’ve at least gotten some good sex out of the whole thing, Estella.”

  “You …” I trailed off, looking from Sally to Kean. “I was a bet?”

  Kean shrugged, looking like he found the whole thing terribly amusing. “I mean, I didn’t mind doing it since you’re hot and all, but yeah.”

  Wow. I really was cursed. Even Kean’s crush on me was fake. He’d been putting on a whole nice guy act all this time. Hurt swelled in my chest, not because I liked him, but because he’d planned to use me, and I’d almost fallen for it. I was so glad I hadn’t, but I was angry he’d gotten to kiss me. I wished I could take it back.

  “That’s really low,” I said. “I thought you were a nice boy, but it turns out you’re a creep just like your father.”

  “Oh, shit!” Another of his friends exclaimed.

  Kean stepped out of his house, coming to stand over me. “What did you just say?”

  A dark cloud descended, and a flicker of the fury I’d felt when I confronted Vee for lying about Dad’s will trickled out. I was so sick of people messing with me.

  I met his gaze, my expression fierce. “I said your Dad is a creepy, old bastard, and you’re probably going to end up just like him.”

  “Are you going to let her talk to you like that?” Sally interjected, arms folded.

  “No, I’m not,” Kean said, his arms swooping out to grab me, but I moved fast. He tried again, snatching hold of my wrist and twisting it so violently it hurt. I suddenly remembered I was wearing the old jeans I had on when Noah and I snuck into Principal Hawkins’ house. The same ones I put his Swiss Army knife in, and I hadn’t yet given it back. Acting instinctively, I slid my free hand into the pocket, deftly flicked open the knife and wielded it at Kean. I slashed at his hoodie, and he instantly let go of my wrist. “Psycho bitch!” he yelled, but I didn’t stick around. As soon as he let go, I fled down onto the beach.

  I kept running, the knife still in my hand, until my lungs started to burn, and I had to slow down. I turned back to look in the direction of Kean’s house, but no one came after me. Maybe I scared him enough he’d leave me alone from now on.

  I sunk down onto the sand, unable to believe how I’d let him fool me. I really thought he was a good person, but it was all a front. Sally put him up to it with a juvenile bet. She didn’t dislike me because Kean had a crush on me, she simply hated me because she was a vile human being.

  Tears trickled down my face as I thought of how stupid I’d been not to see through it all. The sound of the waves washed over me, instilling a small measure of calm. This beach had become a haven over the years, a place where I could walk and think when I needed to be alone. It was the only place I wanted to be in this moment.

  The shock of seeing Kean’s true face had me feeling all twisted up, but that wasn’t the main thing that was bothering me. My head was still scrambled by Noah’s confession. He’d been to prison.

  The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Why else would he have perfected all those fake personalities? And why would he be so comfortable breaking into Principal Hawkins home? Noah was a criminal. It unnerved me how much I still liked him despite this. What was wrong with me? Did I have some dodgy wiring in my brain?

  I was being torn in two different directions, and I didn’t know which path to take.

  One urged me to run as far away from Noah as I could get, join a convent and let go of the desires and curiosities holding me captive.

  The other wanted me to run straight into Noah’s arms, accept whatever crimes he’d committed in the past and surrender to the strange, mysterious draw he had over me.

  I closed my eyes and dragged my hands through the sand, sinking my fingers in deep.

  Let go of me! Please, I’ll drown!

  I jolted to a start, opening my eyes and looking around. No one was there. The beach was completely deserted, so where had that voice come from? It sounded eerily familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it. There was an echo to it, a boxy quality that made my skin crawl. It was like the voice was fighting to break through the barriers of space and time. The same as the ones I heard in my dreams, only now I was wide awake.

  You deserve to drown. You’re a curse on this household.

  I jolted again and stood abruptly, my skin crawling. I didn’t want to hear any more, so I hurried back to the house.

  Was I losing my mind?

  Hearing voices was one of the first signs of madness. And most of my dreams weren’t like normal dreams. I wasn’t always watching some story play out that was a manifestation of my waking consciousness. Instead my dreams were glimpses into events from the past. I didn’t want to accept it but deep down I couldn’t deny it was the truth.

  I had an ability.

  Noah’s bike was missing from the driveway, and I was disappointed he wasn’t at home. Not because I wanted to interrogate him about being in prison, but because it’d be nice to have someone to talk to about Kean and Sally’s bet, someone to comfort me.

  Would he be angry about it? The thought of him being furious on my behalf made me feel slightly better about the whole thing. It was nice to think someone genuinely cared about me.

  I was on my way to my bedroom when I stopped dead in my tracks. The hall was dim, with only a dank wall lamp to light it. Sylvia’s bedroom door was open, and she sat up in bed, staring at me in the dark. Fear gripped me, and I didn’t know why. I’d never been frightened of Sylvia, and it wasn’t like she could do anything to hurt me physically. Yet, there was something intrinsically creepy about the way she just sat there, staring.

  I considered asking her if she wanted me to close the door, but I was too freaked out to speak. Instead, I continued upstairs to my room and locked my door.

  Maybe I was just unsettled from those voices out on the beach, and that’s why seeing Sylvi
a scared me. Feeling the need to cleanse my mind, I knelt by the bed and prayed.

  Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name …

  Saying the Lord’s Prayer centred me. Right now, my faith was the only constant thing in my life. Everything else I struggled to understand, especially these strange occurrences that wouldn’t quit chasing me.

  Sylvia said I was born with a caul, but the idea of having some kind of supernatural ability to see and hear the past was overwhelming and stressful. I asked God to show me the way, to give me a sign so I’d know the right choice to make because right now I was muddled, scared and confused. Would becoming a nun transport me away from all this? Was it a way of life that would bring me peace? Or was I making a decision I’d regret for the rest of my life?

  ***

  “Estella, I have good news,” Sister Dorothy said at the end of English class the following Monday. “There’s a convent down in Waterford that will sponsor you to go to college and study before joining their order,” she said.

  She handed me a large folder and gratitude poured right out of me. I could go to college and become a nun? It seemed too good to be true. I took a quick look at the brochures and print outs she’d made, a sense of optimism I hadn’t felt in a while returning. “If you still want to do this, I’m willing to mentor you over the summer and help prepare you for what’s ahead.”

  An overwhelming sense of relief swept over me. “You are?”

  She gave a kind smile. “I was once where you are. It would be a great privilege to help guide you on this path.”

  “This is so kind of you, Sister Dorothy. I don’t know how to thank you.”

  She gave my hand a soft pat. “No thanks needed. Few young people choose this life anymore. I consider myself lucky to be able to guide a young lady such as yourself into the sisterhood.”

  I thanked her again several times, a new determination forming. I was making the right decision. I could escape my curse and use my life to do some good in the world. And maybe I’d finally be able to sleep through the night without bad dreams haunting me.

  Then my mind went to Vee, who had pleaded with me not to leave her alone in the house with Sylvia. I was worried about telling her my plans. She’d done very little to deserve my worry or care, and yet, I didn’t want to abandon her. She’d been doing so well staying sober, and I feared my leaving would send her off the deep end.

  There was only one option. I needed to convince Noah to stick around and take care of her. I’d still come to visit during the holidays to check in on her, but if he made the decision to stay home for good, then at least Vee would have someone to keep her on the straight and narrow. Guilt nipped at me though, because I was essentially asking Noah to change the course of his life in order to assuage my conscience.

  I was studying in the living room that evening when the roar of his engine sounded down the driveway. A lot had transpired between us. The kiss. His rejection when I asked him to have sex with me. Not to mention his confession about spending time in prison. We needed to talk about all of it, but right now I’d rather avoid all that and instead talk to him about Vee. My emotional headspace was all over the place and discussing the practicalities of who would care for my stepmother when I left was the most I could handle.

  I listened as the front door opened, and he shuffled around in the hallway, taking off his jacket. Swallowing tightly, I tried to focus on my book, but it was no use. It had been two whole days since I last saw him, and I was nervous. I was also the only person in the house, since Irene took Sylvia out for the day, and Vee drove into the city to go shopping.

  I lifted my eyes from my book a moment before Noah stepped into the living room.

  He cast me a brief glance as he picked up the remote and turned on the news. The chunky black television was straight out of the nineties, but it was still one of the newest things in the house. He lowered into the armchair on the far side of the room as he listened to the lunchtime headlines. My heart thumped hard as I initiated conversation, “Good day at work?”

  He shrugged. “It was all right.”

  Ugh, why was he acting so distant? Did he think I judged him for having been to prison?

  That sort of information would be a red flag for most, but I wasn’t like most people. At least, the connection Noah and I shared was so powerful that past misdemeanours didn’t really factor in. Whatever he’d done, it wouldn’t change how I felt about him, and that was the scary part. If I was going to put plans for my future in motion, I needed to stay away from Noah because being around him made me want to cast aside those plans and lose myself in the feelings that threatened to drown me.

  I brought my attention back to my book, reading the same paragraph several times. No information would go in with him sitting there. I was hyper-aware of his presence, the rise and fall of his chest, every inhale and exhale of breath.

  My eyes were inexplicably drawn back to him. They swept down the length of his body, before rising back to his face. I loved the swoop of his nose, the sculpted, sardonic lines of his mouth. And his eyes. So green they were branded into my memory forever.

  Noah glanced at me, and I lowered my gaze, embarrassed to be caught looking. I let out a breath, sat up straight and closed my book.

  “Can I talk to you about something?”

  He didn’t say anything as he turned off the TV and turned to face me. His eyes fixed to mine a moment before he said, “If it’s about my time in prison, I wasn’t lying. Vee just doesn’t want you to know the truth. She thinks it’ll scare you.”

  Tiny hairs rose on my arms. Would the truth scare me? I wasn’t sure I was ready to find out.

  Clearing my throat, I replied, “It’s not about that, but it is about Vee.”

  Noah tilted his head curiously. “What about Vee?”

  “I’m going to college in September.”

  This news seemed to surprise him. His face brightened. “Does this mean you’re no longer joining a convent?”

  I shook my head. “No, that’s still happening. I found a convent that would sponsor my education, too. One of the nuns at school is mentoring me.” I saw his hope disintegrate as I soldiered on. “Anyway, this is why I wanted to talk about Vee. When I leave for college, I’m worried she’ll start drinking again.”

  “Vee isn’t your responsibility, Estella.”

  “I know that, but I still don’t want anything bad to happen to her. My dad loved her, and I can see, despite how difficult she can be, you love her, too.”

  He frowned. “Where are you going with this?”

  I shifted in place, not sure how he’d react to my request. “I was wondering if you’d consider staying here with Vee permanently. I don’t know why, and honestly, I don’t want to know, because whatever Sylvia did in the past is none of my business, but Vee’s biggest fear is being left alone with her. I believe if you’re here, she’ll be okay.”

  He dragged a hand along his jaw. My eyes were drawn to the movement, and there was something about his broody expression I found deeply attractive.

  “I can’t make that promise. I’m sorry,” he answered regretfully.

  “But why not? You have a job here now. A good job. You can make a life for yourself here, I think.”

  A wry smile shaped his lips. “You don’t sound very convinced.”

  I lowered my gaze, shaking my head at myself. Standing, I tucked my book under my arm and walked to the door. “Forget I said anything. It was a silly idea.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “To study in my room.”

  I’d almost made it to the door when he asked, “Want to go for a ride on my bike instead?”

  His green eyes glittered, and I couldn’t resist them. I knew I should decline, but tiny acrobats did somersaults in my chest, urging me to go with him. I loved riding on Noah’s bike. It was one of the few things that made me feel truly alive. “Yes, okay,” I answered, barely able to hold back my smile.

  His eyes warmed at my
response. “Good. Go put your shoes on.”

  ***

  We drove to the next town over. Noah parked close to the beach, and we walked down onto the strand. We sat next to each other not too far from the shore. The weather was nice, sunny and mild. I pulled off my cardigan, leaving me in only the T-shirt I had on underneath so I could enjoy the sun’s warmth on my skin.

  Every once in a while, my arm brushed Noah’s, and it was hard to stem the butterflies the touch solicited. Remembering I still had possession of his knife, I pulled it from my pocket and laid it on the sand in front of him.

  “I completely forgot I still had that until the other night,” I said.

  His eyes wandered to the blade, then to me. He must’ve seen something in my expression when he asked, “What happened the other night?”

  I blew out a breath, drawing a swirl in the sand with my fingertips. “I went over to Kean’s house to tell him that I, you know, changed my mind.”

  I felt rather than saw him bristle. “And?”

  I sighed because the whole thing was so juvenile when it boiled down to it. “And a bunch of his friends were there, including Sally.”

  His face hardened but he didn’t say anything.

  I continued talking. “So, anyway, I told Kean I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, and he completely transformed. He turned into an absolute arsehole, calling me a prude. Then Sally came out and told me it was all a stupid bet from the start. They wagered I was too holy and virginal,” I paused to roll my eyes, “and that Kean could never get me to sleep with him.” I chanced a quick peek at Noah, and his expression was barely concealed rage. It contrasted with how he sat there, listening quietly.

  “I told him he was a creep just like his dad,” I went on, and a hint of amusement entered Noah’s eyes. “Then he got mad and tried to grab me. I wasn’t sure what he planned to do, but I remembered I still had your knife. I pulled it out and ended up slicing his top. He let go, and I managed to get away.”

  Some of the rage receded as Noah shot me an approving look. “You pulled a knife on him?”