Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "I'm making settlement on the land out by the highway next week," he says. "Andrew and his team of guys will be there right away to break ground. We're still aiming for the project to be complete by Christmas."

  "That's so exciting. So does that mean I'll get to meet Andrew?"

  "I think that is a definite. He and Bianca are going to be staying with my parents during the week while he works on my house. It's too much to travel back and forth to Atlanta even every few days."

  "Do you have blue prints? I'd love to see what the house will look like when we get home," I reply.

  Adam smirks at me curiously. "You say home like we both live there. Sometimes I forget that you have a whole other place you call home."

  "I work so much that I do sort of feel like the B&B is my second home. Sometimes I think I make excuses to be there whenever Tommy has the kids. It was the worst right after he moved out,” I say honestly. “The house still reminds me of him just about everywhere I look. The shelves he built in the laundry room, the pictures we argued about where to hang, and our bedroom upstairs where I told him I wanted a divorce. Like tonight, I asked Rebecca to have dinner with me so I wouldn't have to be alone in the house all night."

  Adam listens as I talk, and not just to be polite. He listens; taking in everything I have to say like he's trying to unscramble a puzzle.

  "Things aren't great, but it's gotten better for me the past few months. And now there are other reasons to want to be at work," I admit nervously.

  Adam smiles cautiously. "There's more than one reason for me to want to be there too," he replies.

  We stare into each other's eyes, neither of us blinking. I can't look away; can't be the first to break the connection. Seconds, or maybe minutes later, the waiter brings the drinks. I take a long sip pondering what Adam has said.

  "Can I ask you something personal?"

  "You can ask me anything, Amanda," he replies leaning forward, his chest pressed against the edge of the table that separates us.

  "Well, I'm wondering about your relationship with your parents. You said there would be issues if you had tried to move in with them. I'm curious to know why Andrew doesn't have the same problem."

  "Andrew's the first born, and has always done exactly what they expected from him. He graduated high school with honors. Got a college degree; opened his own business. And when he had two feet firmly on the ground he married Bianca," Adam explains without any animosity in his voice.

  "When Caroline first came to the B&B to see you and she mentioned Bianca, I thought maybe she was your girlfriend," I admit.

  "Now that is an amusing observation, actually. As it would turn out I did date Bianca before Andrew did,” Adam chuckles. “We had one of those relationships that was nothing but fighting and sex."

  I cough into my Coke.

  Adam graciously pretends not to notice and continues telling his story. "We shared no real connection and had very different interests. I met her in undergrad. She was studying art. She was attracted to my pre-med major more than my personality. Bianca is tenacious and a little materialistic. She's beautiful, but no one thinks so more than her. We were only together a few months. We fought constantly, then we'd make up... and the cycle continued. Then she met Andrew when I took her to a family gathering and it was clear to all three of us which Brickman she was meant to be with."

  "And Andrew loves her," I say fascinated, if not also a little jealous to know this Bianca woman did have the opportunity to know Adam intimately. How could she ever find someone more interesting than Adam? It sort of makes me nervous to meet Andrew Brickman. It's not possible that he could be more attractive than his younger brother, right? Adam is male perfection in my eyes.

  "Bianca is much better suited for Andrew, though it does bother him sometimes that I was once intimate with her. Having seen his wife naked is a card I reserve for very special occasions," he jokes. "Bianca Martin was once my crazy ex girlfriend and she is now my sister."

  I smile. "And Alexander? Tell me more about him."

  Adam looks down at the table for just a moment and seems to be thinking about how to put his thoughts in order. "I told you once that my father wanted his son to be a doctor. He didn't seem to care which son it was and that burden fell into my lap soon after I graduated high school. I never resented Andrew for not following in dad's footsteps. It was clear to all of us that Andrew wasn't going to be the one. But for a while I'd hoped Alexander might get the calling. He could have been a great doctor, but he's also lazy and irrational. He could never settle on just one path.”

  "So you went pre-med to make your father proud," I conclude.

  "Yes, and meanwhile Alexander met Paige..."

  I don't know what it is about this family but I find the Brickman’s' all incredibly fascinating. Our appetizer arrives and I steal the ravioli Adam was reaching for so that he doesn't pause in telling me about Alexander and Paige.

  "Xander married Paige after only knowing her for two days," Adam says.

  My jaw drops, ravioli speared on the fork and halfway to my mouth. "Two days!" I gasp. "And to think people in this town gave me grief about marrying Tommy three months after we graduated high school."

  Adam shrugs. "Well, naturally it was a huge shock to our parents. Xander met Paige at a Nirvana tribute band concert. As the story goes they walked around Atlanta until dawn just talking. The next day they met downtown for lunch at a Japanese restaurant, drank some saki with their sushi, and sometime later that day they went to the courthouse and got hitched."

  "Wow," is all I can manage.

  "My parents had just moved to Swainsboro a few months earlier. Alexander drove down on the pretense of seeing the new house, and brought Paige along with him. We all thought he had made a huge mistake at first. None of us could see yet just how perfect they are for one another. I've never seen a couple happier than Paige and my brother."

  Adam reaches for another ravioli and this time I let him get one, smirking as he hesitates, half expecting me to bat his hand away again. "So your parents eventually accepted Alexander's decision?"

  "Yes, rather quickly too. I hate that my parents made me resent both of my brothers at one time or another. They were more supportive of the small business loan Andrew took out to start his company without knowing the first thing about general contracting, and they were supportive of Alexander's impulsive marriage. But when I... well, when I made choices in college that were right for me at the time all I got was their disappointment. So yes, Andrew will have no trouble staying at my parents’ house while he's in town. They don't find fault in everything he does the way they seem to so easily with me."

  I smile warmly at Adam, thrilled that he divulged such personal knowledge with a new friend. I want to hear more about him.

  "I've been doing all the talking. Tell me more about your relationship with Brett," he suggests.

  "What do you want to know? We've been friends forever. He's a douche sometimes but I love him. He's like the very tall little brother I never had. Brett went fishing with Dad and me, he taught me to ride the dirt bike that my father still doesn’t know about, and he had me changing the oil in some of the first cars he ever worked on."

  "But you never dated him?" Adam ponders aloud.

  I blush lightly. "No, never did."

  "You said there was an encounter though," Adam pushes. "More than one. I believe you called it a fling."

  I forgot that I'd told him about my affair with Brett. I can feel the blush spread through my face and into the tips of my ears. "Yes, for a very brief time there was. But Brett and I never dated. Tommy was my first boyfriend; first date, kiss, everything. He was the only guy who ever showed interest in me in that way. Lately I've been wondering what my life might be like now if I didn't fall in love with the first boy to ever like me. I never felt... passion with Tommy. I loved him for sure, but was I deeply in love? I don't think so."

  "So you experienced passion with Brett then?"

  I cring
e as memories from those nights in Brett's bed appear in my mind. "Passion was all there was. It was about sex, plain and simple. I'm not proud of it, not by a long shot. That affair was about me trying to be someone completely the opposite of who I was at the time. There was passion, but no love. I mean, I do love Brett, just not that way. Not the way I wish I could have loved Tommy."

  "So you've never been in love, then?" he asks.

  "I don't know, I guess not," I answer looking down at the table to hide my eyes. I don't want Adam to figure out that the closest I've ever come to feeling passion and love for the same man has been with him. "I want to say that I would never do that type of thing again. Casual sex, I mean. Brett was good in bed, and I knew I was using him to make myself feel better during a difficult time. I still feel awful when I think back to that time."

  "Because he wanted more?"

  "I don't know about that... He didn't get along great with Tommy but never interfered with our marriage. He supported me when I was trying to salvage it. But he didn't want our affair to end as quickly as it began."

  "Is it okay to admit that I don't like thinking about you being with Brett?" Adam asks quietly.

  "Yes, as long as it's okay that I feel the same way thinking of you and Bianca being together."

  Adam ponders my answer until our meals arrive a few minutes later. I'm happy for the distraction as the atmosphere between us has grown thicker with tension. Thankfully, as we begin to eat our conversation drifts to Rebecca and Eric. I tell him a little about what Rebecca and I were like in high school, and the crusade Rebecca has been on ever since to get Eric's attention. Adam laughs when I tell him about the time Tommy, Brett, and Eric took Rebecca, Nikki, and I camping at Piney Woods Lake.

  "Nikki had been determined to manipulate the sleeping arrangements so that Rebecca and Eric ended up sharing a tent. She had the whole thing planned out. We were going to wait up until the guys got tired and then after Eric chose a tent Nikki and I would yawn and retire to the other two tents with Tommy and Brett, giving Rebecca the perfect excuse to join Eric. Well, it was muggy and overcast but we hadn’t checked the weather report before leaving home. We hardly made it through the campfire and smores before a thunderstorm rolled in. The rain poured down suddenly and everyone jumped up scrambling into the closest tent they could find. I ended up with Nikki, Rebecca was with Tommy, and Brett got the honor of sleeping with Eric."

  Adam laughs as I tell my camping story. It's refreshing to have someone to listen to my childhood adventures; someone who wasn't there and gets to hear the story told to them for the first time. And I like making Adam laugh. He looks young and carefree when his face is stretched in a big toothy grin.

  "So how did your first week at work go?" I ask after the waiter takes our empty plates away and delivers the coffee Adam has ordered for both of us.

  "Better than expected. My father has backed off a little following my first day. I think he's grateful for the extra doctor in his practice. He doesn't need to work such long hours anymore or be on call 24/7."

  I smile and sip my coffee. "That's good to hear, but I asked how you like it," I say reaching out my hand to rub my fingers over the top of his hand. "I know you were worried about how you'd measure up; if being a small town pediatrician was your true calling."

  Adam observes my hand covering his and then briefly closes his eyes. Feeling vulnerable and wondering if my actions are too forward I attempt to pull my hand away. Adam's eyes open and his hand swiftly flips over, linking his fingers with mine. I blush and bite my lower lip.

  "You're right, I did say that. I'm surprised you remember," he says looking at our joined hands. "My residency taught me a lot about caring for patients and bedside manner. Still, I was nervous about coming here and being accepted by Gregory's long time patients, thinking maybe they would prefer to continue seeing him. But everyone has been so friendly to me, so accepting. Treating children's illnesses, keeping them healthy and safe, is the most rewarding experience of my life."

  We smile at one another after that; our hands remaining joined until the waiter returns and breaks us from the trance we were in. I can tell Adam is reluctant to let go of my hand. It makes me happy to see he hasn't gotten over his crush or whatever it is he has been feeling for me lately. Selfish as it is, I don’t want him moving on; or accepting so easily that we could never be anything more than friends. I realize that I want him to fight for me.

  After dinner we drive slowly through town and I point out a number of places of which he should take notice. "Post office, bank, oh the hair salon," I say pointing across the street as the car rolls to a stop at a red light.

  Adam looks where I’m pointing and nods thoughtfully. "Hair salon, huh? Do you think I need a haircut?" he asks brushing one hand through his beautifully tousled locks.

  "Don't you dare, I like it all grown out and tangled," I answer quickly, before I have a chance to over analyze my honesty.

  He smirks and I blush. We're quite a pair. I’m thankful that the sun has set some time ago and he likely doesn't notice the red cheeks I’m sporting. Next up on the right side of the road is the hardware store. It reminds me of Adam's first day in town when he fixed the faucet in the B&B's bathroom. My attraction to him was instantaneous, mesmerizing, and I’ve been trying to overcome it ever since. It’s becoming apparent that I might not ever get over the Adam Brickman effect.

  The light turns green and we continue on our way, driving past the library, a small old fashioned movie theater, and the ice cream parlor on the way back to my house. Adam parks the car in the driveway behind my Honda. The difference between our two vehicles is as stark as the difference between their owners. The Lexus is fresh and new, classy, and beautiful. My old Honda is worn in, a used junker, and an eyesore. He hurries around the back of the car to take my hand as I step out of his shiny new toy. I follow Adam up the sidewalk with the firm intention of saying goodnight to him at the door with nothing more than a smile or perhaps a friendly hug. I turn the key in the lock and push open my candy apple red front door a few inches wondering which way I should end this very pleasant evening.

  Adam decides for me, reaching for my hand and lifting it to his lips for a sweet kiss on the back of my palm. Momentary paralysis overtakes me as his soft lips sweep lightly across my skin. Just as Adam’s head is pulling back so he can look into my eyes Mr. Jenkins who lives next door opens his front door. He nods his head in acknowledgement of me as he walks out to his car. I’m suddenly very aware of the close proximity between me and Adam; wondering what Mr. Jenkins’ must be thinking. He surely recognizes that this man is not Tommy Miller, but some other unknown man who is calling on his wife.

  Adam notices my apprehension at being seen by a neighbor. “Is this one of the complications you want so badly to avoid?” he whispers subtly nodding his head in Mr. Jenkins’ direction. “The nosey town folk?”

  “Absolutely. It’s a big one,” I admit under my breath and attempting to put more space between our bodies. I’m acutely aware of the heat radiating off Adam’s chest as mere inches separate us.

  He doesn’t even try to hide his opposition as he straightens his spine and takes a small step back. “Well, I admit this is a first; a woman being embarrassed to be seen with me.”

  “I’m sure that’s never happened to you before,” I reply dryly, “Which is why I don’t understand why you’re even interested in me.”

  Adam’s brows furrow and he looks almost angry with me. His eyes shift up as the engine in Mr. Jenkins’ Maxima roars to life. He gently drags me by the wrist through the doorway where we’re out of sight. Looking over Adam’s shoulder as he pushes me further inside the house, I notice Mr. Jenkins’ eyes on us as he backs the car out of his driveway. Adam quickly closes the door and spins me around, pushing my back against it.

  “Don’t ever say something like that again. Don’t even think it. Promise me,” he breathes roughly.

  “Think what?” I gasp completely shocked by his impulsiv
e and forward actions. My heart begins pumping wildly as I struggle to control the urge to wrap my hands around his neck and pull his lips down to mine.

  “Think badly about yourself. Amanda, you are beautiful, kind and caring, smart and dedicated to your work. You have two great kids who adore you. You are an amazingly patient and loving mother to them. Please don’t ever think that anyone is better than you, certainly least of all me. You are the one who is too good for me.”

  I gaze into his serious eyes unable to speak. I’ve never seen him so worked up, and he got that way protecting me from the pain of my own demons. Adam lets out a breath and gently releases my wrists from his strong grasp. His eyes soften as he reaches out for the doorknob.

  “I’m not going to pressure you into something you’re not ready for. If there is to be any sort of romance in our future then I want you to be the one to initiate it. I took the first step, kissed you when I couldn’t bear to wait another moment, but now I can control myself. You’re going to dictate the limits of our relationship,” he says.

  Adam wraps his strong arms around me and brings my chest against his for a long embrace. My head is tucked under his chin and I can feel his heart pounding under his shirt. The distinct delicious smell I’ve come to associate with this man fills my nostrils with powerful pheromones. Too soon he pulls away and gently swings the door open wide.

  “Good night, Amanda,” he says before turning fast on his heels and walking swiftly to his car.

  I watch him back the car out of the driveway and head down the street until his retreating image is swallowed up by the darkness of night. Adam refrained from kissing me though it was obvious he wanted to all evening. Everything Adam said is true. I worry about what people in this town will say if I start dating the new doctor, especially while Tommy is still grieving from our breakup and because our marriage hasn’t even been terminated yet.

  I’ve known since the night Adam kissed me that the boundaries of our friendship would have to be my decision. But even as Adam spoke those words, promising me that the ball is in my court, he was reminding me just how good he made me feel that night we kissed in the kitchen. And he succeeded, because since he’s left I feel a need for him that seeps deep into my bones. There is no denying that I want Adam Brickman badly. Mind, body, and soul.