Notes on His Pillow
Page 24
Looking into Adam's eyes, my face breaks into a smile as I listen to my son tell me about his night. "I'll have to tell Daddy how you're too big for that now, huh?"
"Yes," he replies seriously. "And Mommy, guess what?"
"What?"
"We had chocolate chip pancakes for dinner. Bacon too."
"No way! Daddy made bacon?"
"I had three pieces. Hold on, Mommy. Gabby wants to talk to you."
"Okay, put her on," I answer.
"Hi Mommy," Gabby says a moment later.
"Hi baby girl. Are you having fun with Daddy?"
"Yes. But Daddy says it's bedtime now."
"Daddy's right, it's almost eight o'clock. I'm calling to say good night before you fall asleep."
Adam folds his arms across his chest and watches me intently, almost as if he's studying me. It would be unnerving if there wasn't such reverence in his eyes. I gaze back at him while Gabby tells me how she isn't tired at all, yet she yawns mid sentence.
"I miss you so much, Gabrielle. Be a good girl and go to sleep for Daddy now. The sooner you go to sleep the sooner I'll get to see you in the morning."
"Are you going to sleep now too, Mommy?" she asks.
"I will be soon. Sweet dreams, baby."
"Bye, Mommy."
I turn around to hang up the phone and take a brief moment to collect myself. Saying good night to my children over the phone hasn't gotten any easier in the past six months. Adam is behind me, waiting patiently for me to join him in the living room. The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering wildly; slowly I turn around to face him.
"You okay?" he asks softly.
"Yeah, I'm good. So what now?" I reply.
Adam pushes off the wall and comes into the kitchen. "I was going to suggest a glass of wine and a movie. What do you think?"
"Sounds perfect."
He smiles and goes over to the fridge to get the half filled bottle left over from the last time we drank together. I get him two glasses and watch as he pours them two thirds full. The television is already on in the living room and Adam takes the remote control in hand as we sit on the sofa together. It's quiet and comfortable here; I can already see the advantage to sitting on the sofa compared to the wing back chairs. Adam is so close to me; his hand easily within reach of my own...
"What are you in the mood for?" Adam asks me.
"Um, what?" I stutter.
He smiles as if he knows the direction my thoughts were going. "Action or comedy? Romance?"
"Find an old movie we've both seen a hundred times so I won't care if I miss some of it."
Adam clears his throat but doesn't ask why I think I'll be missing part of the movie. He begins searching the On Demand menu and I take a long swallow of the red wine in my hand. We find our taste in movies is similar and quickly agree on watching Twister. I admit my irrational crush on Bill Paxton to him and it makes him laugh. A little of the tension between us dissipates as the film begins and we both finish our first glass of wine.
About twenty minutes into the movie Adam gets up to refill our glasses. When he returns to the couch he angles himself a little towards me and I take his body language to mean he wants to talk. I watch his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he drinks from his glass and without thinking I lick my lips at the enticing view. Hiding behind my own glass I take a long swig of wine too.
"You seem nervous," he comments quietly.
"I'm still a little surprised you want me here."
He sighs. "How can you still doubt my feelings for you after today?"
I shrug innocently. "You could have your pick of single women in this town. I don't understand why you're not more interested in someone like Heidi. She's young, beautiful, and has none of my baggage."
"Stop calling your family baggage; I know you don't view them that way. Please don't think that I do. And as for Heidi, there’s nothing going on between us. Heidi is practically a child."
I grin slightly but then it disappears. "Heidi is only one year younger than me."
Adam reaches out and abruptly takes my hand in his. "Chronologically, maybe. Heidi flaunts her youth and physical attractiveness but there are other more important attributes that she lacks."
"Like what?" I ask; my voice shaky and weak.
"I've been with women like Heidi before and had some typical college experiences, but they always ended badly. I told you I had a difficult break up in Chicago and I'm tired of picking the wrong women. Heidi seems like a sweet girl and I'm sure dating her would be fun and exciting for a while but I'm looking for a relationship with more substance. I need to be with someone who's got integrity; who's loyal and dependable."
"So you think you're better off with a woman like me who isn't as attractive but is emotionally matured?" I question trying to pull my hand out of his.
Adam only grips it more firmly. He stares as me with intense eyes, almost angrily. "You have all those qualities I mentioned, yes. Plus you're controlled, mature, and sensual. And Amanda, you are so sexy in a way that you try to hide, but I can see it just oozing out of your pores. Believe me when I say I've never been attracted to anyone more."
"No one's ever said anything like that to me before," I whisper.
"Good. I can't stand the thought I might have competition for your affection."
"There's no one else," I breath, stunned by his admissions. I want to believe his words so badly. Why do I have such difficulty accepting them?
"Your husband still wants you. I know that Brett Tyson does too," Adam says. His thumb is rubbing circles over my hand and I finally relax my fingers. He smiles, seemingly relieved that I'm allowing him to continue touching me.
"I've never wanted anyone the way I want you. It frightens me," I admit.
"Not even your husband?"
I look down at our joined hands and blush. "Not even him. The intensity of these feelings for you are completely alien to me. That's why I'm freaking out about this. It feels like it just happened so fast."
Out of the corner of my eye I see Adam placing his wine glass down on the coffee table, and then takes my glass away too. "I don't want you to be freaked out, Amanda," he says softly pulling me into his side and wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I let my head fall against his chest and close my eyes, soaking up the comfort of his embrace.
"Let's just agree to watch this movie tonight. I might kiss you a few times, because I honestly don't think I'll be able to resist through the entire two hours. I won't ask you for anything else tonight. I really want to get to know you better and we can take all the time you need to feel comfortable with me."
"Thank you. I want to get to know you too; without the town and my ex-husband watching if that's even possible. I need to proceed with caution, but not because I don't feel comfortable with you. I don't want you to think that's how I feel, because it isn't." I snuggle closer into his side and throw my free arm across his stomach so that my hand rests on his forearm. "I'm afraid of confusing my children, embarrassing myself in front of the townspeople, and more than anything else... trusting my heart with someone new."
Adam sighs and I feel his cheek come to rest against the top of my head. "I agree with you there. We can move slow and won't tell people what's happening between us until we know ourselves."
I hum happily and turn my eyes back to the movie. We hold each other and watch in silence for a few minutes. I think to myself how nice this feels, being wrapped in a man's arms again. The gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathes is soothing and I can feel the beating of his heart against my face. There's a calming peace that comes from enjoying the company of another person that's been lacking in my life.
I'm happy with what Adam and I decided about our developing relationship, but by the time the storm chasers on the television have wrecked their first truck Adam's words from earlier about feeling a need to kiss me are making me squirm. I turn sideways in his arms so that I'm partially facing him; enough so that I can look into his eyes.
Adam's eyes narrow as he reads my expression carefully. "How about I show you instead," he replies dipping his head low enough to kiss the corner of my mouth.
"I'd like that," I say just before taking the initiative to kiss Adam's perfect lips once again.
The next morning Tommy's car pulls up outside Thatcher's while I'm walking up the steps a few minutes before eight o'clock. I wave and wait for my babies on the porch. Gabby runs to me and I crouch down for her to throw her little arms around my neck. Tyler stands behind her waiting his turn to hug me too.
"I missed you guys so much!" I exclaim. "Were you good for Daddy?"
"Yep!" she chirps back.
I laugh at her enthusiasm. "Okay, good! Hurry inside now. I have to make Dr. Adam's breakfast and then I'm taking you to school."
"Is Heidi still here too?" Tyler asks.
"Yes she is. Please be respectful and if she's watching TV leave her alone," I say with my strict mom voice. Tyler rolls his eyes, a habit he picked up from daycare.
Tommy walks up the steps with Gabby's ladybug book bag in his hand. "Here, Gabs, you're going to need this today," he says handing it over to her.
"Thanks, Daddy."
The kids hug Tommy goodbye and then walk inside the B&B.
"They had cereal already," he informs me.
I nod my head but my eyes are focused on the rolled up legal sized paper Tommy's clutching tightly in his left hand. "What's that?" I ask already knowing exactly what it is. A nervous feeling creeps over me as I wait for him to hand me the divorce papers he's been holding for weeks.
"I've been meaning to give this to you for a few days," he says.
I look up into his eyes and see apprehension in his face. "Are they signed?" I whisper holding out my hand to take the papers.
Just before my fingers make contact Tommy pulls them back and clears his throat awkwardly. "I signed them, every page this time, but I have something I need to say before you can have them."
"Okay."
"I've known you my whole life and I know you remember our relationship and marriage differently than I do, but there was once a time we felt the same way for each other; when we were on the same team. Then you broke my heart."
"Tommy..."
"No, wait a second. I need to say this. Don't pretend like you didn't love me because that's bullshit. I know you loved me once and I was always good to you. It wasn't me that changed, it was you. I don't deserve this."
"You're right, you don't," I whisper as a tear falls from the corner of my eye.
He takes a deep breath and continues. "I deserve to be with someone who loves me more than you ever did. That's why I signed your damn papers."
Tears are flowing down my cheeks now as I nod my head in agreement. I've always felt like our relationship was mediocre, something less than spectacular. I left Tommy last winter because I didn't want either of us to settle. I thought I deserved something more and I knew Tommy deserved the same. I'm relieved he's finally realizing there was something lacking in our marriage but there's no point in bringing any of this up. He's hurt, his ego is bruised, and it will be better to let him get his feelings off his chest. We both need this closure in order to move on.
"So here. Take them," he says thrusting the rolled up documents into my waiting hand. "I'm not waiting for you any longer. Now you can have what you want."
Tommy looks into my eyes and sighs deeply, a huge weight having just been lifted off his shoulders. "Please stop crying, Mandy," he pleads softly.
Tommy Miller is the man who once meant everything to me. He's the first man to kiss me and the one who took me to the prom. We lost our virginity together. I sacrificed going to college for him and took his name when I was still just a teenager. I had babies with him, bought a house with him, and spent six years being his wife. It's hard to believe all of that comes to an end with the papers in my hand.
Tommy steps forward and pulls me into his arms. We hold each other for a minute until I can get my emotions under control. I sniffle and wipe my eyes and see Tommy doing the same.
"I'll never forgive myself for breaking your heart," I mumble.
"Yes you will. And I will too in time. I want you to be happy, Mandy. I really do."
My tears begin anew and I wipe my cheeks, embarrassed. "I want you to be happy too."
He smiles and reaches a tentative hand towards me to wipe the last tear from my face. "The hard part is over now, I guess. I have to get to work. I'll see you Saturday when I pick up the kids."
"Thank you," I whisper.
"Bye, Mandy."
After Tommy drives away I stand on the porch for another five minutes saying goodbye to Mandy Miller once and for all.
Chapter Fifteen: Morning Rush
Holding the signed divorce papers in my hand, I need a few minutes alone to process the conversation I just had with Tommy. I stand outside until I am convinced no traces of my tears will be visible. I can hear the kids inside talking to each other but I'm not sure if Heidi or Adam is awake yet. It's after eight o’ clock and both my guests will be looking for breakfast soon if they aren't already. I know Adam has work today.
I need more time to think about how I feel knowing that my marriage is officially over and Tommy is on the road to forgiving me. It seems like Tommy might even be moving on; I know he has a date Friday night. And thinking back to the previous evening I spent with Adam it's safe to say I am finally moving forward too. For now I have to push my feelings on all this to the back of my mind and concentrate on the people inside the house. Duty is calling both as mother and manager inside this bed and breakfast establishment.
Heidi is in the kitchen when I enter the house. She's grabbing a couple bagels from the counter to take with her. "I'm sorry I don't have a hot breakfast ready for you. Do you have time for me to whip something up?" I ask apologetically.
"No need, these are fine. I'm going to take enough for my Nana too, is that okay?" Heidi responds.
"Of course. Let me wrap up some cream cheese, butter, and jam for you to take along."
"Thank you. That would be great."
I quickly pack up a number of spreads for Heidi to take to her grandmother's house in a reusable grocery bag along with a few knives and napkins. I feel badly for having been outside dealing with personal issues when I should have been cooking for my house guests. Fortunately, Heidi does not appear to be upset over my tardiness.
After she leaves, I go into the living room to check on the kids. They are watching television and coloring at the coffee table. Tommy said they ate cereal but that won't keep their tummies filled until lunchtime so I decide to bring them orange juice and toast. I don't know where Adam is and I’m beginning to wonder if he overslept. We were together in the living room, talking and cuddling, until after eleven o'clock last night. If he felt the same way I did afterwards he might have had trouble falling asleep. I know I had difficulty settling my mind down enough to sleep.
I make a plate of toast and bagels and leave out the same spreads I'd given to Heidi earlier. At about 8:30 I'm watching cartoons with Tyler and Gabby when Adam comes rushing down the stairs in a white t-shirt and dress slacks.
"Amanda? Hey, good morning," he says his voice sounding a bit off. He must be running late.
I get up from the couch to meet him in the hallway. "Hey, you. Breakfast is ready, but it's not much. What time do you have to be at the office? Maybe I can make you some eggs?"
Adam glances into the kitchen and sees the platter of toast, bagels, and the pitcher filled with orange juice. "No time for eggs today. I'm supposed to be at the office by nine but I have no clean dress slacks."
He gestures down at his pants and I see what the problem is. His pants are a few inches too long and dragging on the floor. "This is the only clean pair you have?"
He nods.
"Why haven't you been putting your w
ork clothes in the laundry bin in your room?"
"They're supposed to be dry cleaned. I didn't want to ask you do take my suits to the cleaners and I thought I had this one last pair but apparently I bought the wrong length."
I shake my head, smiling at his predicament. "Adam, I told you I have no problem taking your clothes to the cleaners. Think of it like a concierge’s service at a hotel."
"Does the Thatcher B&B's concierge service hem pants by any chance?" he asks.
I bite my lower lip and grin at the hopeful expression on his face. He really is too cute for his own good. "As a matter of fact we do," I reply. "I'll just need my sewing kit from the basement."
"Thank you, Amanda," he says emphatically.
"You’re welcome. It'll take a few minutes so hurry up and turn those pants inside out. Then put them back on so I can pin the hem at the right length."
Adam quirks an eyebrow at me as his hands move to the zipper at his waist. His fingers undo the button on the too long pants and my jaw drops.
"What are you doing?" I gasp under my breath, holding my hands out to stop him. My eyes dart over to the living room where my two young children sit innocently watching television. Thank goodness their eyes are glued to the screen.
Adam promptly drops his hands and chuckles. He's quite pleased with himself and I realize that he's teasing me. "Oh my God, you suck," I declare feeling my cheeks pink up from embarrassment.
"I'm sorry, that was mean," he says still laughing.
"Yes it was. Now go into the bathroom and turn those pants inside out before you're late to work."
Adam looks back at me as he enters the bathroom and I shake my head at him. I'm happy my children are oblivious to his antics. He is unbelievable. I've been so careful with my thoughts up to this point not to give too much consideration to what's underneath Adam trousers. He's in there removing them right now and I'll have my hands within groping range in a matter of minutes. I need to remind myself that Adam is running late for work and there's no time this morning for impure thoughts while tailoring his suit pants.