Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  The simple knowledge that Adam would likely welcome my impure thoughts makes my insides queasy. It wouldn't be a wise decision to test those waters with my kids in the next room. Maybe some time soon, once I've had time to process what happened earlier with Tommy.

  I pull out a chair from the kitchen table and run downstairs to retrieve my sewing kit. Adam's in the kitchen when I return wearing his pants inside out and sitting in the chair. I smile at him and gesture for him to stand.

  "I need you up on the chair so I can pin a new hem. Haven't you ever gotten alterations done before?"

  Adam frowns but follows my instructions. I suppress a smile as he climbs up and places his hand against the wall for balance. "When my brother got married I had measurements taken for my tux but there were no heights involved."

  "You're afraid of heights, huh?" I ask as I get my pin cushion out of the sewing kit and pull up another chair to sit in front of him. I find his phobia highly amusing. He's two feet off the ground and I think I see a bead of sweat forming on his forehead already.

  "Yes, embarrassingly so. It's quite cumbersome, especially in Chicago when I was forced to live on the eleventh floor of my dorm," he replies. "I installed heavy drapes and hardly ever looked out the window."

  "I never would have guessed this about you, Adam. I think you ought to be more frightened about the possibility I'll prick you with one of these rusty old pins by mistake," I tease holding one up for him to see.

  “Please don't. I'm apprehensive enough up here," he moans closing his eyes.

  With a pin pressed between my lips I take one pant leg in my hands and roll the cuff above Adam's ankle. As I lift the material I discover his dress socks have an argyle pattern. I giggle despite my best effort and the sound causes Adam to open his eyes.

  "What's so funny?" he wonders.

  "Fancy socks," I reply giggling again.

  "What's wrong with my socks? My father gave them to me."

  I nod my head while placing a few straight pins into the cuffed pant leg. "They look like something Dr. Brickman would wear."

  "Hmmm," Adam muses. "I didn't consider that. I hope I don’t start wearing sweater vests now too..."

  I laugh again at Adam's musing and inadvertently poke him while placing the last pin in the material. "Ouch! What did you do?"

  "I'm sorry! I pushed that pin a little too far. Are you okay?"

  "Did you draw blood?" he asks seriously.

  I roll my eyes but pull his sock down to inspect the wound anyway. Cupping the back of his ankle with my hand, I lightly rub my thumb over the spot on his shin where a tiny pink prick mark is visible. Adam's leg is strong, muscular, and sparsely covered in the same blonde hair that matches his head. The same color as on his chest too. My hand slides a few inches north to caress his calf and he doesn't tell me to stop.

  I want to continue exploring Adam and can feel the sexual tension building between us the longer my hand touches his leg. I have to keep reminding myself that it's no longer inappropriate for me to think about Adam in a romantic way. Still, I find it difficult for my brain to turn off that automatic response I get that tells me I'm doing something wrong.

  Too soon I recover my senses and fight hard to push those overwhelming feelings aside. Later, I tell myself. Later. Besides, he's waiting for me to reply to his question.

  "No, I didn't draw blood." I look up to see Adam's face and he's watching me intently.

  “Then I'm fine. That feels nice," he whispers.

  "No time for leg massages right now," I whisper back. "I'm just about done. How's that length?"

  Adam glances down to inspect what I've done. I pull his sock back into place and tug on the pant legs, smoothing out the new creases. "Much better. So now you just have to sew them?" he asks.

  "Yes. I'll place stitches a few inches apart all the way around. That will get you through the day, but you'll have to let me hem them properly after work. And I want to take the rest of your dress clothes to the cleaners today. No arguing with me."

  Adam smiles, nodding his head obediently. "Yes, ma'am."

  "Okay, you can come down now. Go change out of those, carefully, and bring them back. I'll sew while you eat. Sound good?"

  "I like that you aren't so nervous around me anymore," he comments. "You've got spunk."

  My cheeks flush while Adam retreats to the bathroom. He doesn't give me time to respond though I don't know what to say anyway. I suspect he likes making my face turn red. But all teasing aside, he's right. I do feel more comfortable around him since his feelings for me appear to be just as strong as the ones I harbor for him. I think I'm finally allowing myself to believe it could be true that someone like Adam can find something appealing in a woman like me. That possibility makes me excited to pursue this connection, whatever it is, with him.

  Exciting as it may be, this is all happening faster than I ever considered possible. Adam has given me a lot to think about in the last twenty four hours. And although I'm happy to learn that my unrequited crush is not so unrequited after all, that doesn't make a relationship between us any less complicated. I still have my children to think of, an ex-husband, gossipy neighbors, and Adam's family. Adam's parents' wouldn't think me a gold digger, would they? I couldn't blame them if they had suspicions. There's definitely a lot to think about.

  Adam eats a bagel with cream cheese while I sew a temporary hem in his pants. He kisses the back of my hand when I finish and quickly runs to his room to change. He mentioned that he'll be working all day so I quickly pack him a sandwich for lunch and send him off with a brown paper bag and a quick discreet kiss on the cheek by the front door. He beams at me before walking outside into the morning sunshine. I watch as he reverses his car out of the driveway and heads in the direction of his father's office.

  I might watch his car for a few moments as he drives further and further away, still feeling the lingering sensations of his lips on my cheek. My attention is turned back to my children as I hear Gabby screeching inside the house and Tyler yelling, "I had it first!"

  “Kids! What is going on in here?" I demand with hands on my hips as I turn the corner from the foyer to the living room.

  Tyler is ripping a green crayon out of Gabby's hand and she starts to cry. "Tyler Miller, we do not grab things out of people's hands like that. If you want the green crayon you need to ask nicely and say please!"

  "I was using it first and she took it from me," he protests in a high pitched whiny voice that he perfected around age four.

  "I believe you, but you have to remember your sister is younger than you." I hold my hand out palm up and he begrudgingly places the crayon in my hand. "Gabby, I want you to let Tyler use this color for a few minutes. You need to finish your toast and then you can have it back."

  "No! I'm not hungry," she insists throwing her little thirty five pound body onto the couch.

  God, please give me strength. "Okay, we're just going to clean up the coloring books then. I need to get you both to school anyway so I can do my chores." And have a little peace and quiet.

  I take the other crayons from Gabby and Tyler sticks his tongue out at her. She pouts and folds her arms over her chest. "Mommy?" Tyler asks. "After school can I play with Aiden?"

  "If you're a good boy today. I'll talk to Aiden's mommy after I drop you off. Do you want to play here or at home?"

  "At home. I wanna show him my hot wheels," Tyler replies.

  "Why? Did Daddy get you a new one?"

  Tyler opens his book bag to show me a new red Hot Wheels car. I think that it looks just like the dozens of other cars all over his room but nod and smile enthusiastically nonetheless. "Ty, did Daddy happen to get any phone calls while you were at his house? Maybe from someone you didn't know?"

  "Like who?"

  "I don't know, like maybe a lady?" I ask disappointed in myself for even attempting to extract information from a five year old. But I'm really curious to know who Tommy is going out with Friday night.

  "Yea
h," my son says smiling. I'm surprised he noticed Tommy receiving a phone call at all, not to mention take note of the caller.

  "Did he say her name?"

  "Grandma," he answers matter of factly.

  Well, damn. That's what I get for snooping I suppose. I smile at him and finish cleaning up the loose crayons. "Good to know. Thanks baby."

  "Mom, I'm not a baby," he insists.

  Gabby giggles. "Baby! Baby!"

  "You're my baby too," I say pulling her into a hug. "Do you want to have dinner at home tonight, if Tyler plays with Aiden at the house?"

  "Yes!" she cheers.

  "Okay, but what will Miss Heidi and Dr. Adam do for dinner without us?"

  Gabby taps her index finger against her lips over and over until I tickle her sides and make her laugh. "I know!" she says dodging my tickling fingers. "Miss Heidi can eat at the diner like Grandpa. And Dr. Adam can come to our house."

  Gabby is sweet to want him to join us but the thought of Adam in my house makes me nervous. Maybe because I still think of it as Tommy's house too. Which it is, of course. His name is on the deed. I am definitely not ready for Adam to encroach on that corner of my life yet. So I think after dropping the kids off at school I'll take Adam's clothes to the dry cleaners and then pick up something for dinner than I can prepare this afternoon and leave to warm in the crock pot. Knowing I won't see Adam for dinner tonight is disheartening but it's more important for the kids to have an evening at home. If Adam wants to pursue this relationship with me he'll need to understand that I'll need to spend most evenings at home with the kids. And for now he should not be there with us. It's just the way things have to be.

  When I return from running my errands it's nearly eleven am. I put away the groceries I bought and get started preparing the chicken and potato meal I'm making for Adam and Heidi's dinner. Since it's mid morning I suspect Brett is awake. I really want to get his opinion on Tommy's change of heart among other things so I grab my cell phone and give him a call.

  "Hey, hotness," he answers cheerily.

  "Hey, dweeb. Glad to hear you sounding so alert before noon. I'm impressed."

  "Who me? I don't know what you're talking about; I've been up and working out for the last hour."

  Cradling the phone against my shoulder I begin slicing the chicken for tonight. "A whole hour, huh? Things must be going well with... sorry, what was that movie theater girl's name again?"

  "Don't worry about it. That's over. I'm working on these muscles preemptively. New strategy," he says.

  I roll my eyes. That's Brett, alright. "I hope you are successful my friend. I'd hate that six pack to go to waste. It would be a damn shame."

  "You know it," he grunts, probably mid crunch.

  I seal the chicken into a ziplock bag with a little marinade and begin washing my potatoes. "So, I have a reason for calling you other than to discuss your strategy for seducing women," I joke. "I have news."

  "Okay, what is it?"

  "Tommy finally signed the papers. He handed them over this morning when he was dropping off the kids."

  "Just like that?" Brett asks. "He'd been giving you such a hard time."

  "I know; it was really unexpected." I decide not to tell Brett the details of my conversation with Tommy. The closure we both found in that exchange was our last as man and wife. It feels sacred to me, too personal to share with a friend. Even one as close as Brett.

  "You sound a little down. This is what you wanted," he reminds me. "It's for the best, honey."

  I begin cutting up the potatoes just to keep my hands busy. My emotions are threatening to get the best of me again. The past year or so has been one struggle after another and I wasn't expecting to feel so sad when it was all over. I am so thankful that I've had friends like Brett and Rebecca to lean on through the divorce.

  "Sorry. I'm just feeling overly emotional. It's a strange feeling to be single again."

  He chuckles and the sound makes me feel better. Brett's been the most supportive through all this and I don't know what I would have done without him. "So... does this call for a celebration? We should go out Saturday night. I'll even buy you a beer."

  "I'd like that, but I don't think my divorce is something to celebrate. Can we just get together as a bunch of single friends hanging out?"

  "Whatever you wanna call it is fine. Let's go to Sarah's, unless you want to go all out and head over to Savannah again."

  The idea of seeing my friends this weekend lifts my spirits considerably. I place all my chopped potatoes into the crock pot with a smile on my face. "Sarah's is perfect. I'd like to invite Adam. Unless you think that would be inappropriate?"

  "What would be inappropriate about that?"

  I bite my lip deciding how much to tell him. I haven't had juicy details about my life to gush about since high school. And even then there wasn't much to tell. "Adam and I have kissed a few times. Wouldn't going out to a bar with him just days after my divorce is finalized look a little tacky?"

  Brett grunts into the phone and I don't know if it's in response to my question or because he's lifting weights again. "What the fuck does tacky mean? Mandy, you like this guy. He likes you too. I don't see the problem. You have to stop worrying about what people in this town think of you."

  Easier said than done. "I know, but maybe it's not the right time to start dating," I counter.

  "I'm not trying to be a dick, but I thought the whole reason you divorced your husband was so that you could date other people? Tommy didn't make you happy; you have every right to get out there and find someone else who can."

  Brett is right, more or less. Tommy and I drifted apart. It wasn't his fault; it was me that changed. Grew up. I wasn't happy with him and it was the right decision for me to break away. If I thought I'd never date another man ever again I should have just stayed married and made the best of the life I'd chosen. I had the courage to leave Tommy, now I need to find that same strength I had then to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship.

  "I'm inviting Adam," I decide. "He wants to be with me and I don't want to mess that up by trying to hide him inside the B&B."

  "Good girl," Brett replies.

  We decide to meet up Saturday night at eight o'clock. Brett says he'll give his sister a heads up that we're coming in and I promise to send a text to Eric and Rebecca inviting them to join us.

  "Great, I'm going to be the fifth wheel again," Brett mutters. "Do you have any hot young ladies staying at Thatcher's right now Mandy?"

  "Please. What do you think?" I shoot back.

  Brett asks me this question on a monthly basis and the answer is always the same. It makes no difference that this time there actually is an attractive single woman staying in the house. I don't want Heidi to be another notch on Brett's bedpost. I'm protecting him just as much as her in keeping my lips sealed. I know Brett is lonelier than he lets on and a one night stand will do nothing to remedy that. He needs something more and I wish he would consider some of the decent women in this town who could offer him more than one or two nights of passion.

  A few hours later I'm rushing around to get my chores done before picking up the kids. Earlier I took Adam's suit pants over to Frank at the dry cleaner's down the street. Frank's the only dry cleaner in town and he knows me well. I give him a lot of business from the B&B so he happily agreed to put a rush order on Adam's pants and I picked them up a few minutes ago.

  There's a message on the answering machine for a reservation so I quickly return the call. The reservation is for two men coming next week on a business trip. This is good news for a few reasons. Bookings are what keeps the B&B open and me employed. And I always prefer to have the house full of people even though it means more work for me. It will be nice for Adam too because I know he's lonely here all by himself. I will have to check with Heidi about how much longer she'll be staying. The situation with her grandmother is something I could have been more helpful with if I hadn't been fixated on my irrational jealousy
. My fixation with Adam is affecting me in a negative way in that regard. I should have made more of an effort to help Heidi while she is here. I make a mental note to catch up with her next time our paths cross and ask if there's anything I can do to help her with Louise.

  Dinner will be ready in the crock pot for whenever Adam and Heidi return. I need to get home because Samantha agreed to let Aiden come to our house to play with Tyler. He'll be getting dropped off at five so I want to get Tyler and Gabby home before then to give me a little time to clean up before he arrives. I'm going to make the kids something simple for dinner so that shouldn't be a problem. Before leaving the B&B for the night I take Adam's dry cleaning up to his room and tape a carefully thought out note to the clear plastic bag that covers his dress slacks. I leave the fresh clothes and my note hanging on the closet door and close Adam's bedroom door on my way out.

  Dearest Adam, your dinner is in the crock pot on the kitchen counter. I regret not being here to enjoy it with you- motherhood is a very rewarding but demanding job. Will you come out with me and my friends Saturday night to Sarah's? Please say that you will, because even as I write these words a mere eight hours after last seeing you I already miss you. –Amanda

  I am absolutely exhausted by eight o'clock when Samantha comes to pick up Aiden. It was silly of me to clean my house before the five year olds ran amuck with Gabby following suite. I really don't know what I was thinking. There are juice stains on my sofa, toys scattered all over the floor, and Play Doh mashed into the carpet. The boys had fun together and that is what matters most. Samantha noticed the striking difference in my home's appearance from the time she dropped off Aiden to when she picked him up. She kindly offered to let the boys play at her house next time, Gabby too, if I needed a few hours to myself. I thanked her and said I might just take her up on that offer. In the back of my mind I thought it might be an opportunity for me to have a few hours alone with Adam one evening.

  After Aiden and his mom have gone I send Tyler and Gabby into the living room to pick up their toys. They need to start getting ready for bed but I just can't bear to leave the house in this condition so I grab a wet towel to mop up the spilled juice boxes while they put their toys away. While I'm scrubbing the sofa cushion and listening to the kids singing their cleanup song my phone chirps with an incoming text message. The only people who ever text me are Rebecca and Brett so when I see the incoming message is from Adam my heart flutters with excitement. He must have found the note I left for him. Either that or there's a maintenance problem that couldn't wait.