Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "Thank you for coming with me today, Amanda. I'm sorry you had to hear about my past in that way. My family's interpretations are somewhat one sided," he says wryly.

  "Do you want to talk about what happened? With Lindsey, I mean? I don't understand any of it; how your family could be so cold to her."

  Adam reaches his hand across the center console and weaves his fingers through mine. "I know you don't understand what all that tension in the house was about. It's just that for me, leaving Lindsey was an incredibly difficult decision to make, and I don't like talking about it. I swear to you that I have no romantic feelings for her anymore. That isn't what kept me unable to break away."

  He pauses to gather his thoughts and I squeeze his hand tightly. I don't like seeing Adam this upset.

  "I've told you already that the breakup was bad. It was messy and I felt horrible when I ended it for a number of reasons. Lindsey had... she had her hooks in me good. Being with her was very emotionally draining, she was manipulative and her influence is something I'm still dealing with, which is why when Bianca asked if I'm still communicating with Lindsey I answered yes. I don't know why my family thinks I can just walk away cold turkey and never speak to her again. It's complicated and I don't want to get into it but there is residual pain felt on both sides. So when they attack her like that I get defensive."

  Adam looks out the windshield at the rain that has just begun to fall. Little drops hit the car and run down the glass as he collects his thoughts. Our hands are still linked and that's enough to keep me complacent. I remain quiet as he works it out in his mind.

  "I assure you that you have nothing to worry about with Lindsey, okay? She is my past and is not a threat to us; what we're becoming. What my family doesn't seem to understand is that moving away from Chicago was like running away. It didn't just magically make my problems go away but I am dealing with them and that's the best I can do."

  "You said you're still dealing with residual pain. Is that why you've been so good about giving me the time I need? Because you aren't ready for 'us' yet either?" I ask.

  He shakes his head adamantly. "No, Amanda. I feel heartache about leaving Chicago, but not because I'm still in love with Lindsey in any way. That ended for me long before I left. I don't know how to tell you-"

  "It's okay, Adam, you don't owe me any explanations," I interrupted, not wanting to push him to tell me things that are obviously painful for him to discuss. "I understand why you don't want to rehash old mistakes and problems that you've done a lot of soul searching on. I get it because I've gone through an emotional struggle myself this past year. I know how painful my own breakup was and there's plenty I haven't told you about that yet either."

  Adam frowns. "I didn't want my family badgering me about Lindsey in front of you because I know what's happening between you and me is hard enough on you already. I don't want to burden you with my problems too."

  "Thank you for being so considerate. We have plenty of time to get to know each other, the good and bad, when the time is right," I say hoping to make him feel better about not telling me everything there is to know about Chicago. I trust him and hopefully he trusts me by now too.

  Even after we've both said our peace I can clearly see that Adam remains upset about his family's interrogation of him and their continued disapproval of his choices. He walks me to the front door but when I invite him inside my house he declines. That hurts worse than anything I've learned about his past all day.

  "I'm sorry, Amanda, but I know that Tommy will be here soon to drop the kids off and I don't want you to have to explain my presence to him. I promised not to complicate your life any further and I'm determined to keep that promise."

  Adam takes my hand in his and places my palm flat against his chest. I can feel his heart beating beneath my fingers and I get the impression he's trying to reinforce the strength of his feelings for me. He kisses me, sweetly at first and then pulls me closer as our kiss becomes more urgent. Suddenly, and much too soon, Adam backs away and opens his eyes.

  "See you tomorrow, Amanda."

  "Bye," I say as he retreats down the driveway.

  Adam smiles and waves as he drives away. I am left standing on my doorstep wondering how Adam's vow to not complicate my life has suddenly become a complication in and of itself. I'm relieved to have learned a little more about Adam's past life but I feel like I got more questions than answers today.

  I still don't know what the Brickman's think of me but I can say for sure that Adam was not exaggerating on their distaste for Lindsey. Whatever she did to him was severe, of that much I am certain.

  Chapter Eighteen: Surprise Visitors

  Monday I am busy all morning preparing for my new guests, the newly married couple from Colorado who will be staying at Thatcher's for the next ten days. Per Adam's request I prep the larger of the two first floor rooms for Mr. and Mrs. Parker to give them more privacy. Adam has been working all day and by the time he returns the newlyweds have already checked in. I'm in good spirits when he walks through the door; having new guests always gives me a reason to smile. Matthew and Julie Parker are very young and sweet. I remember how it felt to be in their shoes. They are happy and in love, with their whole lives ahead of them. They are a really cute couple from what I can tell. Hopefully they will find more satisfaction in their marriage than I did.

  Adam greets me in the dining room and places an awkward kiss on my cheek. We're still figuring out the dynamics of our relationship since only a few days have passed since we agreed to give this a try. We've both been struggling to figure out how to get to know one another slowly. I can sense Adam's hesitation every time he goes to touch or kiss me. It's as if he thinks his affection will be unwelcome. I know Adam wants more but is holding back because that is what I've asked for. He's fighting his natural impulses in order to keep his promise to me. I know if the situation was different he would be more openly affectionate. As it stands, we are friends who kiss and touch one another when no one is watching.

  "Dinner's almost ready," I tell him and his eyes light up. He knows I've made a big fancy dinner to welcome Matthew and Julie to Swainsboro so he hurries upstairs to change out of his suit.

  It's crowded at the dinner table for the first time in a few weeks. Tyler and Adam talk about the newest super hero movie that's coming to theaters soon and Gabby soaks up the attention our newest guests are giving her. Julie is enthralled by my little daughter as she tells her about a tree frog her teacher caught on the playground that day. In the middle of the story Gabby announces she has to go potty and runs off to the bathroom in a hurry. Matthew and Julie both chuckle as she goes and they give each other bright smiles which I know means that they are thinking about what it will be like to have a baby of their own. I want to tell them to slow down, enjoy being married for a few years before expanding their family, but I bite my tongue. I wouldn't have listened to advice about my marriage at their age either.

  After dinner Adam helps me with dishes and the kids go into the living room to play. I've given up insisting Adam let me handle the kitchen cleanup, one because he seems to be relentless, and two because having five people to feed leaves me with a lot of washing to do. He stands beside me silently as he towel dries each dish I hand off to him. It's nice having a little quiet time with him. Neither of us feels the need to fill the air with conversation and just enjoy being together. I can hear the kids talking in the other room and it just feels... nice.

  "Will you stay a while this evening?" Adam asks when the last dish is dry.

  "Maybe I can put a movie on for the kids and we can drink a little wine by the fire?"

  I glance up to see a big grin on his face. "I'll go help them choose a movie," he offers.

  I'm pulling two glasses out of the cabinet when I hear a strange noise. Tyler and Gabby are arguing over what kind of movie to watch; the choice seems to be either Spiderman or Frozen. Holding my breath I listen closely and try to tune them out, waiting for the sound again. S
ure enough, there it is. A distinct creaking noise. Oh, I hope the framework on this old house isn't cracking. It sounds like a metal hinge needs oiling. Or that huge maple tree is about to fall over in the woods behind the house.

  I walk into the living room and Adam's wide eyes meet mine. "What is that?" I ask.

  Adam smiles and nods his head towards the hall. "It's coming from the green room," he whispers.

  Realization floods my senses and I gasp. Adam was right. Again. Matthew and Julie are newlyweds... they're bound to act as such. I should have put them upstairs and moved Adam down to the first floor. Too late to change room assignments now.

  "Fine! We can watch Frozen! Again!" Tyler concedes unhappily. "Mommy, what's that noise?"

  "Um... it's nothing, honey. Just a creaky old house."

  There is no way we can hang out in this room with that kind of activity taking place down the hall. Not only will it be difficult to explain to my children what they are hearing but it will also make for an awkward situation for Adam and me. So far in our relationship we haven't even discussed sex let alone gotten close to having it. A long drawn out moan wafts down the hall and Adam and I glance at each other, both blushing. Oh, we make quite a pair!

  "What do you say we invite Dr. Adam over to our house to watch the movie?"

  Gabby cheers, drowning out the noise of the creaking bed frame that is becoming more rhythmic and constant. Quickly, I help the kids pack their book bags and we all head for the front door. Tyler keeps peeking down the hall trying to discover the source of the strange noises while I help Gabby on with her shoes. Adam snickers at the hilarity of the situation as I scramble about trying to get us all outside as soon as possible. I really don't want to have a birds and bees talk with my five year old.

  An hour later Adam and I sit at the table in my kitchen drinking coffee. In the rush to escape the romper room we both forgot to bring the bottle of wine with us. When we got home Tyler gave Adam a tour of the house, which consisted of a look at his bedroom, the living room, and his toy box. It was really cute how proud he was showing Adam around; and Adam did a good job acting as if he'd never been inside our house before. I'd helped both the kids into their pajamas and put Frozen on the TV in the living room. Now, finally, Gabby and Tyler are quieting down in the other room and it shouldn't be long before they are both sleepy enough to take up to bed.

  Adam is telling me more about the construction on his house that is slated to begin Wednesday. He's very animated as he speaks, excited to get the project underway. He tells me how Bianca keeps insisting on helping with the interior design and between her and Caroline he's going to have two strongly opinionated women high handing him when it comes to making decorating decisions. I listen closely, loving the fact that we're together and he's sharing details of his life and family with me.

  Having time with Adam outside the B&B is nice but I do miss the cozy comfort of the wing back chairs and the crackling of the fire. I think I understand now why Adam was adamant about having a fireplace in his new home. It really does add something special to any room. Here under the florescent lights in my kitchen it's difficult to get that same romantic ambiance we've had when we're together at Thatcher's. Maybe that's for the best, because as much as I'd love to move into the living room and crawl into Adam's lap on the sofa, my children are here and I need to behave.

  "Will you stay while I get the kids to sleep?" I ask.

  "Of course. When is their bedtime?"

  "I usually put Gabby to sleep first and let Tyler play in his room. Then when she's asleep I work on him. Sometimes he fights me about bedtime."

  "Can I help? I mean, would that make things easier for you? If I read to him or something?"

  I reach across the table and take his hand in mine. "Thank you for the offer, but that feels a little too, I don't know, fatherly I guess. I don't want to confuse him," I say gently.

  The last thing I want to do is offend Adam but I'm not emotionally prepared for him or any man to start assuming a father figure role around the kids. It's bad enough that he's here with us late at night as they're getting ready for bed. Tyler and Gabby have a dad already, a great dad, and it feels a little like stepping on Tommy's toes to allow Adam into their bedroom; to cuddle with them in their bed as they drift off to sleep. Too personal.

  "I understand," Adam says squeezing my hand.

  "I'm sorry," I reply, feeling bad for making things awkward.

  "Can Dr. Adam read to me?" Gabby asks coming into the kitchen unexpectedly. She obviously heard our previous exchange.

  I resist looking up at Adam as I pull my hand away from him. "No, baby. Dr. Adam is our friend and reading stories is something that mommy's and daddy's do. How about you get into Tyler's bed and I'll read to you together tonight?"

  "Okay! I pick the stories!" she replies.

  "How about you each pick two stories to make it fair?"

  "Fine," she answers rubbing her eye sleepily.

  I stand up from the table and usher her back into the living room. "I should only be twenty minutes, half hour tops. Feel free to watch whatever you want on TV."

  "Take your time. I'll be here when you're through," he assures me with a smile.

  I pat his shoulder as I walk past him, following Gabby over to the couch. Convincing Tyler to get his feet moving up the stairs is never an easy task. We brush teeth, use the potty, and pick out four books for me to read them. With a baby under each arm we snuggle into Tyler's bed and I alternate girl book, boy book until soft snoring is coming from both sides of the bed. I wait it out another few minutes to ensure they are asleep and then carefully carry Gabby into her own room and tuck her in. I kiss her forehead lightly and she rolls onto her side curling up into a ball.

  Downstairs I find Adam has moved to the sofa and there is an old time movie on the television. He's turned off one of my floor lamps and now the only light comes from the kitchen and a soft bulb on a lamp table in the corner. The glow of the television lights his face and I think to myself how lucky I am to have someone waiting for me who is so incredibly beautiful inside and out.

  I've realized the past few days just how easily I could fall in love with Adam. It scares me to acknowledge how quickly my feelings are growing for him. He's everything I've hoped for in a man and I can see so many wonderful qualities in him that I adore. I can see myself giving over to his charms, sweet personality, and loving heart. It will happen quickly too, without even knowing its happening.

  He smiles at me warmly and holds his arms open for me to join him. "What are you watching?" I ask softly as I cross the room towards him.

  "Meet John Doe, you ever heard of it?"

  I shake my head and climb onto the sofa straddling one leg on either side of him. It surprises Adam and I smirk as his expression as I settle down onto his lap.

  "It's a good movie," he says clearly stumbling for words. He hands grip my waist and then slide back over my behind. I'm wearing a v neck pink t-shirt and black yoga pants so his hands slide smoothly over the cotton/lycra material. He clears his throat.

  "Frank Capra film. It's about a man with no money who becomes an inspiration for the people around him."

  I hum softly and kiss his cheek. "We'll have to watch it sometime," I reply.

  Adam's hands slide up my back under my shirt and apply enough pressure to pull me close for a kiss. I open up to him willingly, letting our mouths speak to each other without words. I grind my hips against his because he feels so good between my legs. I've never had this much trouble controlling my sexual urges before. Adam kisses like no man I've ever encountered. All two of them.

  I want Adam to understand how strong my feelings are becoming. Our situation is not ideal and must be confusing for him. He says he understands why I feel the need to keep our relationship quiet and unintentionally stifle its natural progression, but sometimes I know he gets frustrated. I wonder what my life would have been like had I met Adam in high school instead of Tommy? It's impossible for me to imag
ine not having Tyler and Gabby, so there's not a single regret in my mind for how my life has turned out in that regard. But I can't help but think how quickly Adam and I might have fallen in love had there been no ex-husband or gossipy townspeople standing in our way. I just think sometimes how I would have saved myself and my family the pain and suffering that resulted from my selfishness if I'd met Adam first.

  Wanting to push those thoughts aside, I focus on the man beneath me. I give myself over to his hands and mouth wanting to simply enjoy his kisses, but they have become increasingly urgent. My hands are in Adam's hair and I can tell he likes it when I gently scrape his scalp with my fingernails. I've lost track of how long we've been kissing, but my head is getting fuzzy from a lack of sufficient air supply. I hardly even care and grind down further on Adam's lap. What I find there is hard and oh so tempting.

  But I'm still not ready. I know this, but unfortunately my brazen actions have Adam's lower brain sending him the wrong messages. I shouldn't have jumped him and then proceeded to make out like we were two teenagers in their parents' basement. His hands slide up over my bra and continue north trying to work my shirt over my head. And that's when I shut down.

  My sexual arousal is squashed by heavy feelings of the guilt and embarrassment realizing where we are. As much as I want Adam to remove my t-shirt and fling it far across the room we can't do that here. Not in my house.

  "Adam, no," I whisper and pull away, my hands scrambling to fix my shirt.

  "What's wrong?" he asks breathless and confused.

  "We can't. The kids are upstairs."

  He moves closer and kisses the base of my neck. "Will they wake up?"

  "They usually don't but I can't take that chance. I'm sorry."

  I allow myself one more kiss to his pouting lips and peel myself off his lap. I am bummed, but clearly not as much as Adam. He doesn't even try to disguise the adjustment he makes to the front of his pants. I walk to the bottom of the stairs and peer up, paranoid now that one of the kids might have seen us sucking face. That would be worse than having one of them sneak down on Christmas Eve to discover the real source of their gifts, which almost happened last year.