Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  “What about Chloe’s real father?”

  Adam shakes his head. “After the paternity results came back I tried finding him on my own but Lindsey had no idea how to get in touch with him. She knew he didn’t go to University of Chicago and by the time Chloe was born he would have graduated whatever school he was going to. Lindsey didn’t know any of his friends’ names so we could never track him down. There’s no father listed on Chloe’s birth certificate so legally speaking he’s irrelevant.”

  “So for the sake of argument, if you don’t adopt Chloe what happens to her?” I wonder shifting in the seat.

  Adam sighs. “Unless we find Lindsey, Chloe would have to go to social services. They will continue looking for Lindsey and might try to contact her parents in Indiana to see if they want to claim her. Mr. Yeager said the state usually tries to place kids with next of kin. I don’t know about any other family members; Lindsey has no siblings. I never met her parents but from what Lindsey told me they weren’t happy she got pregnant and didn’t want anything to do with it. They never came out to Chicago to meet Chloe while I was with her.”

  “We can’t let her get bounced around in foster care,” I say adamantly.

  Adam’s expression turns more serious. “I’d have to sign those papers in order to keep her here. Are you sure you know what you’re saying, Amanda?”

  “Yes I do. I’m sorry if it’s too soon for me to be thinking ahead into our hypothetical future but we kind of have no choice but to talk about it. So here it goes… I’ve thought about having a family with you; Tyler, Gabby, and maybe another little one someday,” I tell him nervously twisting my fingers together. “Obviously, every time I’ve thought about this I’ve assumed we would conceive that next child together, not that she was already out there somewhere waiting for you to take custody of her.”

  “It’s not too soon for us to be talking about our future together, Amanda. I’ve been thinking about that since the night we first kissed. And because of that it wouldn’t be fair for me to make this decision about Chloe without you. It has to be both of us who want her. I know I can’t ask you to take on the responsibility of raising another small child if you don’t want to, especially one that isn’t even biologically mine.”

  “I didn’t say I definitely wouldn’t want that. I just wonder… well… do you still want to have a child of your own?”

  Adam closes his eyes for a long moment, whether it’s to think about his feelings or to find the right way to answer the question I’m not sure. “Yes, very much,” he finally says. “The disappointment of learning Chloe wasn’t mine has taught me that much. I do want to be a father.”

  “Okay,” I reply quietly. “The question then is do you also want to be Chloe’s father?”

  “I haven’t let myself think that way in a long time. I made my peace with leaving Chloe and Lindsey and I haven’t regretted the decision until this past week when Lindsey showed me what a poor mother she turned out to be.”

  “I thought you might be excited for this opportunity to raise Chloe,” I admit.

  “Could you see yourself having four kids? I would understand if you thought it was too much,” he replies without answering my question.

  “I would do it if that’s what made you happy. I know you care deeply about Chloe and I don’t want you sacrificing this opportunity to keep her in your life just for me. Someday you might resent me for it.”

  “What you don’t understand is that after Chloe was born I spent a very long time convincing myself that she didn’t belong with me. I told myself that she isn’t my daughter and I shouldn’t pretend that she is. If I turn around now and decide I want to step in and fill Lindsey’s shoes then that means I made a mistake in Chicago. It means I was wrong and never should have left Chloe in the first place.”

  “If you choose to do this it doesn’t mean you made a mistake in Chicago, Adam. The situation has changed greatly since then. You thought you’d be squeezed out of her life when Lindsey met someone else; that you’d never feel safe knowing you had no legal rights to her. Now that Lindsey’s handing you custody on a silver platter you have the ability to choose differently.”

  “It still doesn’t seem fair to you.”

  “Adam, I want you. If I have to raise your ex girlfriend’s love child to get you then I’ll do it,” I reply trying to make light of this heavy discussion.

  Adam frowns, looking wounded and I immediately regret my words. “That was a joke. I’m sorry.”

  He smiles weakly at me. “I feel like if I were meant to keep Chloe I’d be sure about the decision. My mind keeps going back and forth. Something is not right and it’s preventing me from being happy with either decision.”

  “Is it guilt? “You’re afraid this will hurt our relationship?”

  “Yes, I do think that, but I’m talking about a sinking feeling in my gut that tells me adopting her isn’t the answer. But I don’t want to sign her over to the state of Georgia either.”

  “Okay, then we wait a little longer until you feel good about the decision. It might be the biggest one you ever make; you have to feel confident that it’s the right one.”

  Adam sighs. “Alright. A few more days are all we have. I can’t expect Bianca to volunteer to take care of Chloe forever.”

  A fleeting thought crosses my mind but it doesn’t have time to take hold because Adam walks up to me and places his forehead against mine. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Amanda,” he whispers.

  “And I feel the same,” I say before kissing his lips tenderly.

  Dinnertime is a little tenser than I expected. Everyone has their own perspective on Lindsey’s actions and the difficult position it has put Adam in. And no one is afraid to voice their concerns over what Adam is going to do. His family debates back and forth what is best for Adam while we eat the pork roast Caroline cooked. I keep mostly silent even though Adam has made it clear that my opinion is the most important one in the room to him. I’ve seen firsthand the Brickman’s abhorrence for Lindsey and I don’t want to interrupt their venting, but the issue of what’s best for Chloe doesn’t take the forefront of the conversation. Everyone seems mostly concerned about how this affects Adam and not wanting him to bite off more than he can chew.

  I feel like Chloe needs an advocate in this conversation too and just as I’m about to speak up on her behalf someone else jumps in first. “Having now two deadbeat parents, what Chloe really needs is to be adopted by a loving family,” Bianca says with conviction. “I don’t mean any offense Adam, but maybe a single father isn’t the best option for her.”

  Adam glances at me briefly and I hope that he doesn’t want to refute Bianca’s statement by announcing to his family anything we said to one another about wanting to raise a family together. We are not engaged and I’m not ready to be; certainly not with his whole family watching.

  “I’ve thought of that, Bianca, but if it isn’t me then she’s going to end up in foster care until being adopted by someone else. There’s no telling how long that would take.”

  “Adam would have no discretion over who adopted her either,” I say. “He would have to surrender her to the State of Georgia and they would take over from there.”

  “In other words, I’d never see her again,” Adam adds.

  “I can see you don’t want that to happen,” Bianca agrees.

  “I think we all understand that darling,” says Caroline, “but you’re talking about taking on a lot of responsibility for someone like you; a single man with a full time job. You know you have your dad and me to help you whenever we can but even so, are you sure you’re ready for that?”

  Adam sighs and reaches for my hand underneath the table. I entwine my fingers with his and squeeze tightly hoping to convey my emotional support. “A few days ago I was trying to convince Lindsey that she was capable of caring for Chloe on her own so I have to believe that I could do it too. I know it would be hard but I don’t see an alternative if I want to keep Chlo
e in my life.”

  I see Bianca glance at Andrew and he is nodding subtly to her from across the table. “We might have a solution for you, Adam,” she says carefully. “What if Andrew and I adopted Chloe?”

  “W-what?” Adam stammers. I can see he’s truly shocked by this development but it doesn’t actually surprise me that much. Bianca has been doting over Chloe all week.

  “We’ve been talking about adoption lately since getting pregnant hasn’t happened for us,” Andrew says to his brother. “It’s a very complicated process that takes a lot of time and money.”

  Bianca smiles at her husband and covers his hand with hers. “Couples can sometimes wait years and years for a baby. Andrew and I think that if we adopted Chloe then it would give everyone what they want. You wouldn’t have to say goodbye to her, Adam. Chloe could stay in your life without disrupting your relationship with Amanda and Andrew and I could finally be parents.”

  Caroline and Gregory are smiling from across the table and Adam tightens his grip on my hand beneath it. Bianca glances behind her where Chloe is sitting at the kids table with Tyler and Gabby and then back to Adam. She’s biting her lower lip; clearly nervous about what Adam’s reaction will be.

  “So, what do you think?” she asks. “Adam? If you’re not sure keeping Chloe is what you want then what do you think about Andrew and me adopting her?”

  Chapter Thirty: Celebration

  In the midst of the confusion that Adam and I are dealing with regarding Chloe I had the bright idea of throwing Tyler a birthday party. Everyone is stressed out and the timing is awful but what else could I do? My little man is turning six! It is October 7th and I've been busy all morning cleaning the house, making food, and putting up decorations. Five little boys are expected to arrive in about an hour for a party with balloons, streamers, a Spider Man cake, and a special appearance from Atlanta's finest magician.

  It's been a few weeks since Chloe landed in Adam's lap and we've really struggled with choosing the best course of action. Bianca and Andrew's desire to adopt Chloe seems like a perfect solution to me. They don't think they can conceive a child but want a family very badly. Chloe is in need of a family; to me it's a no brainer. But Adam has had a difficult time making a decision. I think he feels like Chloe is his responsibility and to give her to his brother would be like dumping her on someone else to deal with. I know Bianca and Andrew don't want to adopt Chloe just to help Adam out. They are waiting on bated breath for Adam to decide what to do and with any luck that decision will make their dreams of becoming parents a reality.

  To Adam's credit, he did go back to Atlanta and propose the idea to Mr. Yeager. The lawyer told him the solution would be legally messy, but could be done. Adam would have to sign the adoption papers and then file new ones to give guardianship rights to Bianca and Andrew. This is what we've been waiting on for the past ten days. Adam signed Lindsey's paperwork in mid September and told Mr. Yeager to go ahead a draw up transfer of guardianship papers. He hasn't told his brother and sister-in-law that he's done this so the question that remains is, of course, will Adam sign Chloe over or not? He and I have discussed his adopting Chloe at length, and other than a few nights when she has stayed with him at the B&B, Chloe has otherwise stayed in Caroline's care. He hasn't said one way or another but my gut feeling is that Adam is going to let Bianca and Andrew adopt her.

  There's no time to think more on it right now because I'm starting to get stressed out about having close to twenty people in my house in the next hour. Dad is coming over as well as Brett, Rebecca, Adam's parents, Bianca and Andrew, Tyler's five friends from school, and of course Alexander the Magnificent and his lovely assistant. I hope I made enough food.

  "Amanda, where does this go?" Tommy asks. He's been at the house since breakfast so he could spend the day with the birthday boy.

  I look over my shoulder and see he's got two strands of Christmas lights in his hands. "Oh, I wanted those in the back yard to string up on the pergola. That's where Alexander's show will take place."

  "I can take them out there," he replies.

  "No, it's okay. I've got it in my mind how I want it to look. Can you finish these helium balloons?"

  Tommy smiles. "Sure. How much does Alexander charge for a party like this? I feel like I should contribute half of his fee."

  "There's no need. He refused to talk money with me; said he was happy to do it."

  "That's very kind of him. You're throwing a really nice party for our little man, Mandy. I'm impressed."

  "Thank you. I hope Tyler likes it," I reply taking the Christmas lights from his hands and heading for the back door.

  Outside I expect to see nothing but a naked pergola and the folding chairs I set up earlier for Alexander's show. Instead, I find Adam pacing back and forth looking quite nervous. He's worn this expression a lot the past month but I suspect today's nerves are not about the barbecue duty he's been assigned to for the party.

  "Hey, you. Is something wrong?" I ask softly.

  Adam glances up, surprised to see me. "Nothing's wrong. I was about to come inside but was doing some thinking."

  I want to say that thinking is all he's been doing lately. To say Adam's been preoccupied is an understatement. "Can you help me with these lights while you think?" I ask sweetly.

  Adam smiles. "Of course. I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier. Do you still have a lot to do?"

  "Almost done. Brett is keeping the kids occupied and Tommy is finishing up decorations."

  I climb up on one of the patio chairs and slip one end of the strand of lights around the metal pergola pole. Adam stands behind me and places a hand on my hip to hold me steady. He follows me closely as I move from chair to chair wrapping the lights loosely around the pergola frame.

  "Can you hand me the other strand?" He holds the pile of lights, giving me enough slack to continue. When I reach the end Adam takes the lights from my hand and loops it around the corner pole. He's tall enough to reach without standing on a chair. It's aggravating. "So what were you thinking about?" I press.

  "Um, just something I wanted to ask you," he mumbles.

  "About Chloe?" I ask looking down at him.

  His eyes are serious and I know from his face that he's finally made up his mind. "I'm going to let Andrew and Bianca have her," he answers decisively.

  I let out an involuntary gush of air that I didn't even know I'd been holding. "You are?"

  Adam smiles weakly. "Yes. I'm sure it's the right thing to do." He pauses a moment and adds, "I'm glad that you don't seem upset."

  Scrambling down from the chair I reach for his hand and hold it tightly. "I've told you that if you decided to adopt her then we'd make it work. I'd welcome Chloe into our lives with open arms, Adam."

  He reaches his empty hand up to stroke my face and replies, "I know you would, which is why I'm glad you're not disappointed that I've decided otherwise."

  "Bianca is going to be so happy," I say smiling. I'm surprised to feel just a tiny twinge of remorse to learn Adam won't be Chloe's father. A part of me was preparing for that very real possibility and I realize I would have liked to watch him take on that kind of role. It is a relief knowing my life isn't about to get much more complicated though.

  "I'm going to tell them tonight, after the party is over," Adam says.

  "You said you needed to ask me something. But if it isn't about Chloe then what else do you need to talk about?"

  Adam becomes nervous again and he takes a deep breath to calm himself. I thought telling me about Chloe would be the hardest thing for him to say but for some reason he's struggling more now. He's starting to freak me out a little. Whatever it is has him quite distraught. I bite my lip waiting for him to speak.

  "Chloe's forced me to think a lot about what I want; not just about her but about you and me as well. Everyone's been acting like this has been my decision to make but I haven't seen it that way. I've had to consider how it would affect not just my life but our relationship too. You wer
e in my mind the entire time I weighed my options and I kept thinking about what it would be like to ask you to help me raise her. It got me imagining what our lives could look like a few years from now; living together and raising the kids. I knew I had to give Chloe up when I realized she didn't belong in that picture. She should be with Andrew and Bianca."

  "I agree with you, but I'm afraid that I'm not following. If Chloe doesn't belong in your future then who does? What are you trying to say, Adam?" I purse my lips, frustrated that he isn't speaking coherently.

  The way he is acting makes me fear that maybe he's having second thoughts about the direction his life is taking. I'm confident in his love for me but I still don't fully understand why he chose this small town of all places to settle. I know he prefers big cities and although his relationship with his parents is improving it's far from perfect. Adam knows that I can't leave Swainsboro so it still worries me sometimes that he'll get sick of it here. After weeks of soul searching what conclusion has he come to? I stare at Adam as he attempts to say whatever's on the tip of his tongue.

  "When the house is built and I'm able to finally move in," he says slowly, "I want you to come with me. You and Tyler and Gabby. I want us to live together."

  I was not expecting this at all. He wants to move in together? "So soon?" is all I manage to squeak out.

  "It doesn't feel too soon for me," he replies. "I've been waiting my whole life for you, Amanda. I want more time with you. I want to come home to the same place, and wake up next to you every morning. And I want it as soon as I have a proper home to offer you and the children."

  "The children," I repeat. "I don't know how they would handle moving. I want to spend more time with you too but it's a big step. A really big step."