Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  The living room is spacious will high ceilings and a beautiful stone fireplace. Adam follows me as I walk around the first floor checking out the dining room, bathroom, family room, and kitchen. The size and design of the kitchen leaves me speechless. The wood Adam chose for the cabinets is a rich walnut and the countertops are white and beige speckled granite. All the appliances are stainless steel and there's an island in the middle with bar stools tucked underneath.

  "Adam, this is... I don't even know what to say. This kitchen is gorgeous."

  "My mother and Bianca designed it. Do you like the colors?"

  "They did a beautiful job. I can't wait until you're moved in so I can cook in here."

  He walks over to the six burner range and runs his hand along the top. "I can picture you here making dinner while I sit at the kitchen table with the kids helping them with homework and talking about their days."

  "That's a lovely thought," I say smiling.

  "Do you want to see upstairs?" he asks nervously.

  "I want to see that fireplace in the master bedroom. Is that finished?"

  Adam grins widely. "Yes it is."

  At the top of the staircase he ushers me quickly past two closed doors and leads me into the master suite at the end of the hall. The room is big... really big with vaulted ceilings, his and her walk in closets, and an en suite bathroom. The fireplace is stunning with stone work that matches the one below us in the living room but there's something else that catches my attention.

  "There's already a bed in here. And dressers," I say surprised.

  Adam walks a little closer to me. "All the bedrooms are furnished," he replies softly.

  "All of them?"

  "Well, not the fourth bedroom. That would be a little too presumptuous even for me," he replies. "I thought we could decide together how to utilize that room."

  I leave him standing in the center of the master bedroom and walk back to the hallway. Opening the first closed door we'd passed a moment ago I find a child's bedroom that closely resembles Tyler's. Light blue walls, pine wood furniture. There's even a Batman poster hanging on one wall. The other closed door is another bedroom, this one decorated just like Gabby's room at home. Adam placed similar white furniture in the room with pink walls and a butterfly night light plugged into the outlet by the bed. I'm so stunned by what he's done that I'm speechless, and terrified of what it means. Adam has gone to a lot of trouble to accommodate me and my kids in this new house.

  I hear him approaching in the hall but I don't have the courage to turn around. His intentions are well meaning I'm sure but knowing that Adam has set aside two bedrooms in his house for my children is still overwhelming.

  "Down at the other end of the hall is another bathroom, a laundry room, and the fourth bedroom. What do you think?"

  "I'm a little overwhelmed," I breathe.

  "After seeing the house you still don't want this?" he asks softly.

  "What I want and what’s best for the children are two different things."

  "They'll be happy here, Amanda. I have plans for a swing set in the back yard. I know we'd be further from their friends but both beds have trundles underneath so they can have sleepovers."

  With tears in my eyes I place two fingers over his lips to silence him. I need to make him understand that it's not anything to do with the house that's holding me back. The bottom line is that living with my boyfriend, no matter how happy we may be, is not an option when two kids are part of the equation.

  "Adam, what you’ve done here is beautiful. The only thing that's stopping me is my responsibility to my family. If there's even the slightest chance that we could break up then that would really hurt the kids. Not only because they would have to move again but to live with you would make them begin to regard you as a stepfather. I can't move in with you unless we're making a forever kind of commitment to each other. Do you understand?"

  "You're talking about marriage then?" he asks.

  I bite my lip, nervous about bringing up the M word. I don't want him to think that I'm trying to coax him into proposing or pressuring him in that direction because I'm not. But he's right. I couldn't uproot Tyler and Gabby from their home and move us all into this big beautiful house unless I was marrying Adam.

  "I'm not trying to twist your arm, but yes, that's what I'm saying. I couldn't move in with you unless we were engaged. I'm sorry." I watch his face nervously, wondering what he must be feeling.

  And then surprisingly, Adam smirks at me. "We'd have to be engaged, huh?" he says and reaches his hand into his pants pocket. "I guess it's a good thing that I'm proposing then."

  I feel my eyes bugging out of my head as Adam holds up a little black velvet box. He opens it slowly, revealing an engagement ring nestled inside. It's platinum with three round diamonds in an intricate setting. My hand comes up to my chest as I can feel my heart rate speeding up. Adam clears his throat and I see his hand is slightly shaking. He's never looked so pale before. Knowing that he's just as nervous as me is oddly comforting.

  "When I came to this town six months ago I thought I was running away. I was lost and disheartened and desperately hoping that a change of scenery would give me new perspective. What I found when I got here to this sleepy little town where everyone knows each other’s business was the most unexpected surprise of my life. You befriended me and made me feel welcome. Your decency and loving nature has been an inspiration to me. Amanda, you've done more than give me new perspective on my life or make the transition to small town living easier. You've made me whole. I know now that I wasn't running from my old life. I came here because I was meant to find you. I love you unconditionally and I want to love your children as my own. Please tell me that you'll marry me?"

  I feel my heart pound one, two, three times fast, and then I'm throwing my arms around Adam's neck. His proposal is so unexpected but his sincere words are my undoing. I know it's soon and I know people won't understand but there is nothing anyone could say that would stop me this time. The way I feel about Adam is different and so much more powerful than anything I've felt before. I don't need any time to make my mind up about how much I love him.

  "Is that a yes?" he asks as his arms wrap around my waist.

  "Oh, sorry! Yes! Yes, I'll marry you."

  "Really? You don't need time to think about it?"

  I shake my head and run my fingers through his soft blonde hair. "I was meant to find you too," I whisper.

  Adam spins me around as we kiss. It is the happiest moment of my life, aside from every moment spent with my children, of course. A year ago when I thought about leaving Tommy in order to find the real love of my life I feared that I might be giving up my family for a fantasy. I thought maybe the kind of love I was pining for didn't exist. Adam has shown me that I had been right to dream big, because he is my fantasy come to life.

  Adam slides the engagement ring on my finger and together we admire the way it sparkles in the light. Then without warning he lifts my feet off the ground and carries me back into the master bedroom where I'm deposited onto the conveniently placed king sized bed.

  "How long have you been planning this?" I wonder.

  "Two weeks," he says with a wink.

  I watch him cross the room and light a match in the fireplace. While he's getting the fire going I scramble onto my knees at the end of the bed to wait for him. My palms itch with the need to touch him. He smiles when he sees me and walks to the end of the bed so I can slowly undo every button of his dress shirt and slip it off his shoulders. Adam watches my face as I undress him, savoring each inch of skin as it becomes exposed. He is too beautiful for words.

  "I want you to make slow, sweet love to me, Adam," I say looking up into his emerald green eyes.

  "I intend to do just that. For the rest of our lives," he replies.

  My arms go up above my head so he can remove my shirt. I unhook my bra as Adam works the zipper on my skirt. He takes a step back to remove his pants and shoes. I watch in fascina
tion as he lowers his boxers allowing his erection to breathe.

  "I love you," I say because I feel an intense desire to say it. If fact I want to shout it from the rooftops.

  Adam grins and kisses my forehead. He whispers, "I love you too, baby." Then he gently pushes me back against the mattress and I giggle happily as he removes my lacy panties with his teeth.

  Chapter Thirty Two: Winter Gala

  Rays of sunlight are shining through the windshield of Adam's car and I take the opportunity to watch how they bounce off the diamond that now rests on my left hand. It sparkles as I tilt my hand left and right admiring the stunning ring. Deep in my gut I can feel how differently the course of my life has shifted with Adam's proposal. It doesn't feel like very much time has passed by since I last wore jewelry on this finger but it's actually been over a year. Everything about my life is about to change and as far as I can see it's all for the better. In the relatively short period of time since my marriage went sour I have traded in the symbol of one man's love for another. I never expected to find happiness this soon and a little piece of me wondered if I'd ever find it at all. Adam has dispelled all that doubt from my mind and shown me the passionate love I'd been missing all those years.

  He notices me admiring the engagement ring and reaches across the console to take my hand in his. He rubs his thumb over the ring letting me know he's thinking about it too. We made love twice last night in his new house and then once this morning in the big soaking tub. My cheeks turn a little pink as I think back on this morning. I haven't officially moved in yet but Adam has, making the house feel like our own personal love shack of sorts. Shack could never be a word used to describe that big beautiful home, but it has been where we've gone to do the deed more times than not.

  My mind wanders over the past three weeks since he asked me to marry him and what a wonderful time it has been making the necessary plans and arrangements to intertwine our lives permanently. I look over at his face and smile; he takes his eyes briefly off the road to smirk at me and wink.

  Then my prenuptial bliss is invaded with the high pitched screams coming from the back seat of the Lexus. I glance over my shoulder to see Gabby reaching for a toy that I assume Tyler has just taken from her hands. She's kicking her feet in frustration at being stuck in the car seat as Tyler holds the small snowman toy just out of her reach.

  "Tyler, give that back. Gabby had it first," I say sternly.

  "She's had it the whole time! I want a turn," he whines.

  I sigh. "Grandpa gave you the reindeer, where's that one?"

  "On the floor."

  I reach down to find the other light up toy that's caused me such grief all day. I try handing it to Gabby and she shakes her head and cries. She wants the snowman. I hand Tyler the reindeer and he recoils from it as if I'm trying to get him to take a dead rat or something equally horrible. My eyes lift to the heavens and I say a silent prayer for patience.

  "Tyler, take the reindeer or don't, I don't care. But give the snowman back to your sister for the rest of the drive. You can have it on the way back."

  He sticks out his bottom lip and throws the snowman in her direction. It hits the backseat window and falls into her lap. Gabby hugs it to her chest and Tyler crosses his arms giving me his best mad face. I turn around, refocusing my attention on Adam and the road ahead.

  "You're sure you want to marry all of this?" I say with exasperation.

  "Absolutely," he replies without hesitating a beat and I love him for it. I pretend that I don't believe him, watching his face with skepticism. Adam just chuckles lightly and reclaims my hand in his.

  We're driving east on Rt 80 headed down to Savannah for the Winter Gala that Adam's mother has participated in planning. Christmas is only a week away and according to Caroline this annual party is so amazing it comes in second only to the actual day of Jesus' birth. From what she's told me it really does sound like a lot of fun. I hope the kids will behave; they're already cranky from being in the car the past hour.

  The Winter Gala means more than just an elaborate holiday party to Adam. It will be the first time he's seen Chloe since she moved in with Andrew and Bianca. Although he hasn't said much about it I know that it's important for him to see with his own eyes that she is happy and healthy in her new family. I think it will be the closure Adam needs to rid himself of the guilt he's felt since leaving Chicago.

  Tonight is a big deal for me too as my artwork is being showcased in a number of shops around the riverfront and also in the art gallery where Caroline works. It's strange thinking of my map of Savannah as art but Caroline assured me the original will be hanging on the gallery wall. Adam's constant praise of my talent is encouraging so I'm very excited, but also quite nervous to see what other people think of it; people whose opinions aren't biased because they're in love with me.

  He pulls the car into the Savannah Riverfront parking lot that is right next to a fancy seafood restaurant. The lights from all the store fronts are on and people are walking up and down the red brick pathway that hugs the shoreline of the river for over a mile. Boats are anchored in the water and the lights from each one bounce off the gentle rippling water as it flows downstream. The Gala extends from the first brick building boutique all the way to the Savannah Marriott where the mayor will be giving a speech in the hotel event hall. Every fifteen feet or so is a tall black lamp post and the decorating committee has strung garland and twinkle lights on each one all along the walkway.

  "Are you sure we can park here?" I wonder.

  "We know people in high places," he replies impishly as he pulls a parking decal out of the glove box and hangs it from the rear view mirror.

  People are walking all around us, some entering the restaurant and others heading for the less pretentious eateries down the street. I'm glad I remembered Gabby's umbrella stroller, not wanting her walking around in the crowd where she could get easily lost. She hops into it happily and of course Tyler has to complain about having to walk the whole way. Are we having fun yet?

  "Where should we go first?" I ask Adam.

  "Let's start walking down River Street towards all the festivities."

  "Your mom told me there's food and wine inside the Marriott and a lot of the boats are open for viewing but there's nothing fun for the kids there," I add.

  "They're probably hoping everyone with deep pockets will eat their fill of grilled scallops, drink a glass or two of expensive wine, and then tour all the open yachts," he says. "I guarantee you every yacht that's open for viewing is for sale."

  I smile, remembering something my dad used to tell me. "Dad always says the two best days of your life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell that boat."

  Adam laughs out loud. "My father would agree with him. One day ask Gregory about his maiden voyage on The Caroline Marie. Classic."

  We start walking along the water in the same direction most families are headed. There are a lot of shops I'd love to go in and browse; one in particular called Lizzie’s Antique Shop, but with the kids in tow it would be impractical. Both are eager to get to Santa so they can ask him for the presents they want for Christmas so we continue walking until we reach the largest section of the red brick path. Santa is outside surrounded by lots of elf helpers and at least twenty other kids.

  There are eight reindeer in a large pen across the small parking lot where children are petting and feeding them. That looks like more fun to me but Tyler runs to get in line to see Santa instead. Adam follows him immediately and it makes me feel good to know he worries about losing the kids in the large crowds too. I push Gabby in the stroller over to join them and we wait our turn to get pictures with Santa.

  Tyler tells Santa Claus that he wants a battery operated ATV to ride at the new house, an Xbox One, and something called Skylanders. I'll have to Google that one. Gabrielle is nervous about sitting on Santa's lap so she stands beside him instead as she hands over a crumpled up list of toys written in purple crayon. Santa and I smile at e
ach other as he tells Gabby that he'll have to see what he can do about getting her the little sister she asked for.

  I've tried to explain to her that Chloe is now her cousin, which is almost as good as a sister, but Gabby remains unconvinced. I feel bad for the poor kid; she really liked having another girl around. Adam and I have discussed how long we should wait before having a baby together and we're both looking forward to it whenever the time becomes right. But even though the odds are good of Gabby getting a new baby sibling sometime in the future I still can't guarantee she won't end up with another brother.

  We walk around for a bit after seeing Santa and his reindeer. "Do you know where Caroline is? We have to find her to say hello," I tell Adam as we walk further away from the crowds around Santa’s Workshop.

  "My mother made dinner reservations at that seafood restaurant where I parked for all of us," Adam replies. "Is that okay with you?"

  "Oh, yeah that's fine," I reply happily. It's quite cold out tonight so I'm already eager to get indoors. I could really go for a warm bowl of soup right about now. "Will Bianca and Andrew be there too?"

  Adam nods. "We have about forty minutes to kill. Do you want to go check out the gallery? I hear there's some really great local art in there." He smirks wagging his eyebrows. I can't help but laugh; he really is having a good time tonight.

  I do want to go see my map displayed but I'm so nervous. What if while I'm standing there someone walks up and comments how ugly or amateur it is? I'd be devastated and humiliated. I'm not sure I'm ready for public critique. Adam knows how much this means to me. He starts walking with Tyler towards the gallery, probably understanding that I need to be pushed.

  As the four of us walk into the Savannah Art Gallery my eyes are draw to a ten foot tall Christmas tree decorated beautifully in gold and silver ornaments, wrapped in white lights and red ribbon. The gallery is a very large open space with high ceilings. It has bright white walls and stainless steel benches with leather upholstery throughout the space. My first thought is Not Kid Friendly. But at least the heat is on.