Plays 5

by Tom Stoppard

  Hapgood Uh-huh.

  Merryweather Well, this is the thing – I was thinking about it and I’m pretty sure his towel was dry when I followed him in but it was wet when I followed him out … I was wondering if anybody had noticed that. (Pause.) Well, it was just a thought I thought I’d leave with you.

  Hapgood It’s a good thought, Merryweather, worth thinking about. Thank you.

  Merryweather Fine. Any way I can help.

  Hapgood Actually, there’s a job you can do for me.

  Merryweather Good – of course –

  Hapgood It’s down the A30 past Staines.

  Merryweather Right. A meet?

  Hapgood A sort of meet. Just past Virginia Water you take a right, the A329 to Bracknell, a couple of miles along there’s a prep school, St Christopher’s.

  From the Lillywhites’ bag she produces a pair of brand new rugby boots and gives them to Merryweather.

  Get there at exactly one fifty. You’ll find a lot of small boys charging around outside. Stop the first boy you see and say, ‘Do you know Hapgood?’

  Merryweather ‘Do you know Hapgood?’

  Hapgood The boy will say, ‘Yes, sir.’ There’s an outside chance he’ll say, ‘I am Hapgood, sir,’ but probably not. Give him this, and say, ‘I have a message from Mother.’

  Merryweather ‘Do you know Hapgood? I have a message from Mother.’ Is this the message?

  Hapgood No, the message is, ‘The garage key is on Roger’s hutch.’

  Merryweather ‘The garage key is on Roger’s hutch.’

  Maggs comes in with the cups. He goes to add them to the tray.

  Hapgood St Christopher’s – the Bracknell road – one fifty.

  Merryweather Right. ‘The garage key is on Roger’s hutch.’

  Hapgood Thank you very much, Merryweather.

  She has helped him out of the door. Maggs is following Merryweather out.

  (To Maggs) Pawn to rook four, and tell him to put his queen back.

  Maggs (continuing out) Pawn to rook four.

  Maggs closes the door behind him. Pause.

  Wates It’s Ridley.

  Blair Mm.

  Wates I’m sorry. (He is commiserating, not apologizing.) You’ll have to turn over everything he ever touched.

  Hapgood We’re already doing that.

  Wates (surprised, wrong-footed) Since when?

  Hapgood Since yesterday. Paul’s been here all night. (She flicks her thumb along Blair’s jaw bone, a technical gesture.) You look awful.

  That’s Wates wrong-footed twice.

  (To Wates) Do you remember Ganchev, our Bulgarian? – Paul and I think that’s one which needs looking at, did he tell you?

  That’s three times. He is suddenly really angry.

  Wates You guys!

  Hapgood Wates –

  Wates My friends call me Ben!

  Hapgood I don’t care what your friends call you, I want to tell you something – I will not be tagged by your people in my own town! I took them all round Lillywhites and I can number them off, don’t think I can’t, I’ve been followed by marching bands that did it better, and if they’re not pulled by the time I go to lunch you’re off the bus. Is that entirely clear?

  Wates It’s clear.

  Hapgood Good. Did they tell you I popped into Fortnum’s? (From the little Fortnum’s bag she takes a lemon, which is all the bag contains and adds it to the tea-tray.) Where are we, Paul?

  Blair passes her Wates’s pink diagram.

  Blair Where we are is that when the bleep died it was no longer in the briefcase, it was in the water, and Ridley was by the pool. We’re no further than that. But it’s really quite attractive: every month, Ridley helps to pack Kerner’s briefcase. That’s his job. Kerner’s job is handing the briefcase over to the Russians.

  Wates It’s made in heaven.

  Blair Yes. The opposition don’t care which way Kerner is bent, either way he’s a channel for Ridley. Yesterday it nearly came apart but only because of the leak in Moscow. Ridley had to remove the evidence.

  Wates Why did he remove your films?

  Blair (smoothly) Obviously because he put in a roll of film and they all look the same.

  Wates And the bleep?

  Blair Oh, you know, pass-the-parcel … did you ever play that? The object is not to be the one holding the parcel when the music stops. Ridley drowned the signal when … someone else was holding the …

  Wates (deflecting) Yes, all right. (Pause.) And he did all that without opening the briefcase?

  Blair Ah, yes. That’s the bit we’re still working on.

  Wates I’d say you have a problem.

  Blair We have a hypothesis.

  Wates A hypothesis?

  Blair Mmm. Actually, it’s Mr Kerner’s hypothesis.

  Blair and Hapgood are complicitly wary of Wates, not secretive but slightly embarrassed, expecting his derision.

  Wates And is this hypothesis a hypothesis you can share?

  Hapgood It’s twins.

  Wates It’s twins?

  Hapgood Two Ridleys.

  Long pause. Blair and Hapgood watch him nervously.

  Wates (evenly) Yeah that would do it.

  Hapgood and Blair relax.

  Hapgood Thank you, Ben. Well, should I be mother?

  SCENE FIVE

  An indoor shooting range. But we don’t really know that yet. We see Ridley, downstage in the only lit area, ready to shoot, holding his gun towards the dark upstage. Ridley shoots six times. His shots are aimed at six illuminated targets which make their sudden and successive appearances. Some of the targets are ‘blue’ and some (most) are ‘green’. (Or, cut-out figures, of villains and civilians, with some changes to the dialogue.)

  No targets are showing when we see Ridley. He starts shooting when the first target appears.

  Ridley’s six targets come up as four greens, then a blue, then a green. He hits the first two, misses the third and fourth, hits the fifth, which is the blue, and the sixth. Ridley’s conversation is with an amplified voice. Ridley doesn’t have to raise his voice to reply, but his voice echoes.

  Voice Stop shooting. Two misses, three greens and you killed a blue. Reload.

  Ridley Reloading.

  Voice On your go, and remember blue is our side.

  Ridley Yes, sir.

  Hapgood enters quietly, walking behind Ridley’s back.

  Voice Mr Ridley, on your go.

  Ridley Go.

  The first target is blue. Ridley lets it live. The next five are all green, rapid. Ridley hits four, misses the fifth, and hardly has time to curse before the target is knocked out by a sixth shot, from Hapgood’s gun.

  Voice Wait a minute – wait a minute –

  Hapgood comes into Ridley’s light, putting a small automatic into her handbag.

  Hapgood Hey, Ridley.

  Ridley Mother.

  Voice Is that you, Mrs Hapgood?

  Hapgood (cheerful) Hello, Mac. How’ve you been?

  Voice Ma’am, you’re breaking the rules.

  Hapgood I know, I’m hopeless. Will you give us the shop for a while?

  Voice Do you want the mike?

  Hapgood No, no need.

  Voice I’ll be in the back.

  Hapgood Thank you.

  We lose the echo.

  (To Ridley) I have to talk to you.

  Ridley Funny place to choose.

  Hapgood I’m not sure that I want to be seen with you, Ridley.

  Ridley considers this. He considers her. He has his gun in his hand. He puts the gun away behind him, into his waistband under his jacket next to his spine. He takes out a packet of cigarettes, puts one in his mouth, puts the packet away, and feels for the lighter.

  Don’t light it.

  Ridley takes the cigarette out of his mouth and holds it unlit.

  Ridley What’s the problem?

  Hapgood The problem is, someone’s playing dirty and we’re favourite.

  Ridley (quite
pleased) You and me? What have we done?

  Hapgood The story is we’re bent. We’ve been using Kerner to pass real secrets. Yesterday it went wrong for us and we had to steal them back during the meet. You passed the briefcase to me and I emptied it.

  Ridley If this is Wates why doesn’t he go for the obvious? The stuff was never in there.

  Hapgood Wates tracked it to the pool, he had a finder on the bleep. It stayed alive till the briefcase got to me.

  Ridley laughs.

  Ridley I think I see. You cracked the transponder in your teeth.

  Hapgood I was in the shower. It doesn’t work in water.

  Ridley likes that even better.

  Ridley And what about the Geiger? Weren’t you clean?

  Hapgood No. When I opened the briefcase to see if we had a result … How do you like it so far?

  Ridley (delighted) It’s beautiful. I’m beginning to think you did it. I don’t see that you’d need me.

  Hapgood Well, there are a couple of other things. Wates has been digging up the back garden and he thinks he’s found some bones he can make bodies out of.

  Ridley Like what?

  Hapgood Like Athens.

  Ridley Ah, Athens. We met in Athens. Oh, Mother … Athens was the best time of my life.

  Hapgood Was it? We had an operation that blew up in our faces.

  Ridley What’s that to Wates?

  Hapgood Well, that girl in Athens, the night she was busted, she said you were there, outside.

  Ridley That was rubbish. I was with you.

  Hapgood I know.

  Ridley In a parked car in Piraeus waiting for our Russian who never turned up, we were pretending to be lovers.

  Hapgood Don’t leer, it suits you.

  Ridley What else?

  Hapgood Ganchev.

  Ridley Good heavens. What a team.

  Hapgood I tell you, Ridley, I’m sick of being your alibi. I can’t blame Wates for wondering about us.

  Ridley Did Wates talk to you?

  Hapgood No.

  Ridley He talked to Paul Blair? Blair wouldn’t be impressed. It’s all circular. It can’t be me without you, it can’t be you without me, so it’s both of us. Whatever happened to neither? Did Blair listen?

  Hapgood He listened but he thinks he knows better.

  Ridley Trust, you see.

  Hapgood No, he thinks it’s Kerner.

  Ridley Yes, that makes sense.

  Hapgood Why?

  Ridley Every double is a risk – Blair would have to consider it.

  Hapgood Well, I hope he’s wrong.

  Ridley That’s a funny thing to say, Mother.

  Hapgood (with passion) Kerner is my joe! I turned him. If he’s bent, something must have turned him back again – recently, a few months …

  Ridley What would that be?

  Hapgood (shrugs) Toska po rodine.

  Ridley What’s that?

  Hapgood Homesickness, but squared. You have to be Russian.

  Ridley That could be. Did he leave a family?

  Hapgood Why?

  Ridley When I processed him after the meet I found a photograph, fingernail size, cut out with scissors, like from a team photo. It was hidden in the lining of his wallet, an amateur job picture of a boy in a football shirt.

  Hapgood (looks at him steadily) What did you do with it?

  Ridley I put it back, Mother. Do I have to keep calling you Mother? You can call me Ernest. (Pause.) Call me Ridley.

  Hapgood You’re all right, Ridley. The firm will miss you.

  Ridley Say again?

  Hapgood You’re suspended. So am I. Wates took his story upstairs. Paul Blair is running my operations. Do you think I got you here for fun?

  Ridley God almighty. What do we do now?

  Hapgood You do what Blair tells you. In my office, seven o’clock, and you’re there to listen, don’t talk out of turn. By the way, we’re not telling the Americans.

  Ridley Trust me. (then a flat challenge) Why don’t you, as a matter of fact?

  Hapgood You’re not safe, Ridley. You’re cocky and I like prudence, you’re street smart and this is a boardgame. In Paris you bounced around like Tigger, you thought it was cowboys and Indians. In Athens you killed a man and it was the best time of your life, you thought it was sexy. You’re not my type. You’re my alibi and I’m yours. Trust doesn’t come into it.

  Ridley Well, go and fuck yourself, Hapgood, (He now takes his lighter out and lights his cigarette with deliberate, insolent defiance.) since we’re on suspension. You come on like you’re running your joes from the senior common room and butter wouldn’t melt in your pants but you operate like a circular saw, and you pulled me to watch your back because when this is a street business I’m your bloody type all right, and in Athens if you could have got your bodice up past your brain you would have screwed me and liked it. (He starts to leave.)

  Hapgood Ridley.

  He stops.

  Safety.

  Ridley I didn’t reload.

  Hapgood You saved on the blue.

  Ridley That’s true. (He takes his gun from the holster, checks it and puts it back.) This is all right.

  Hapgood What is?

  Ridley I like it when it’s you and me.

  Ridley leaves.

  Kerner enters, coming towards her out of the dark and into the light. She sees him and is not surprised. She takes her radio out of her bag.

  Hapgood (to radio) Is he clear?

  Radio Green.

  Hapgood I’m here to be told. (She puts the radio back into her bag. To Kerner) Do you mean there’s another one like him?

  Kerner It’s a hypothesis.

  Hapgood So where’s the other one?

  Kerner Maybe that was the other one.

  Hapgood Joseph! (Their manner is as of intimate friends.) Did you look at Wates’s diagram?

  Kerner (nods) Positional geometry. Leibnitz. I’ll tell you about him.

  Hapgood No, don’t.

  Kerner You’re right, it’s marginal. I’ll tell you about Leonhard Euler. Were you ever in Kaliningrad?

  Hapgood No, I’m afraid not.

  Kerner I was born in Kaliningrad. So was Immanuel Kant, as a matter of fact. There is quite a nice statue of him. Of course, it was not Kaliningrad then, it was Konigsberg, seat of the Archdukes of Prussia. President Truman gave Konigsberg to Stalin. My parents were not consulted and I missed being German by a few months. Well, in Immanuel Kant’s Konigsberg there were seven bridges. The river Pregel, now Pregolya, divides around an island and then divides again, imagine nutcrackers with one bridge across each of the handles and one across the hinge and four bridges on to the island which would be the walnut if you were cracking walnuts. An ancient amusement of the people of Konigsberg was to try to cross all seven bridges without crossing any of them twice. It looked possible but nobody had solved it. Now, when Kant was ten years old … what do you think?

  Hapgood Did he really? What a charming story.

  Kerner The little Kant had no idea either. No, when Kant was ten years old, the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler took up the problem of the seven bridges and he presented his solution in the form of a general principle. Of course, Euler didn’t waste his time walking around Konigsberg, he only needed the geometry. (He now produces Wates’s diagram on pink paper.) When I looked at Wates’s diagram I saw that Euler had already done the proof. It was the bridges of Konigsberg, only simpler.

  Hapgood What did Euler prove?

  Kerner It can’t be done, you need two walkers.

  Pause.

  Hapgood Good old Euler.

  Kerner You like it?

  Hapgood (nods) It makes sense of those twin Russians trailing their coats around the pool. Last year the Swedes got themselves a KGB defector and the famous twins turned up in his debriefing with a solid London connection. If two Ridleys are for real they must have felt the draught. Those two jokers at the meet were brought in as decoys. Reflectors. I never believed in
the twins till then. I know about reflectors.

  Kerner Has this place been dusted?

  Hapgood Dusted?

  Kerner We can talk?

  Hapgood (amused) Oh, yes. We can talk. (She regards him steadily.) Now he’s careful.

  Kerner The photograph? I’m ashamed.

  Hapgood (sudden force) No, I am. Oh, fiddle!

  Kerner I mean, ‘an amateur job’.

  Hapgood Oh, Joseph.

  Kerner Yes, I’m one of your Joes. How is the little one?

  Hapgood He’s all right. He’s fine. Stop sending him chocolates, they’re bad for his teeth and not good for his hamster. Dusted is fingerprints, you know. Microphones is swept. Where do you pick up these things?

  Kerner Spy stories. I like them. Well, they’re different, you know. Not from each other naturally. I read in hope but they all surprise in the same way. Ridley is not very nice: he’ll turn out to be all right. Blair will be the traitor: the one you liked. This is how the author says, ‘You see! Life is not like books, alas!’ They’re all like that. I don’t mind. I love the language.

  Hapgood (the language lover) I’m awfully glad.

  Kerner Safe house, sleeper, cover, joe … I love it. When I have learned the language I will write my own book. The traitor will be the one you don’t like very much, it will be a scandal. Also I will reveal him at the beginning. I don’t understand this mania for surprises. If the author knows, it’s rude not to tell. In science this is understood: what is interesting is to know what is happening. When I write an experiment I do not wish you to be surprised, it is not a joke. This is why a science paper is a beautiful thing: first, here is what we will find; now here is how we find it; here is the first puzzle, here is the answer, now we can move on. This is polite. We don’t save up all the puzzles to make a triumph for the author.

  Hapgood (insisting) Joseph – twins. Who’s in charge and is he sane?

  Kerner His name was Konstantin Belov, and, yes, he was sane, though in my opinion absurd.

  Hapgood More.

  Kerner He is not in charge now. The twins are his legacy.

  Hapgood You knew him?

  Kerner Sure. His training was particle physics, before he got into State Security. One day Konstantin Belov jumped out of his bathtub and shouted ‘Eureka!’ Maybe he was asleep in the bath. The particle world is the dream world of the intelligence officer. An electron can be here or there at the same moment. You can choose. It can go from here to there without going in between; it can pass through two doors at the same time, or from one door to another by a path which is there for all to see until someone looks, and then the act of looking has made it take a different path. Its movements cannot be anticipated because it has no reasons. It defeats surveillance because when you know what it’s doing you can’t be certain where it is, and when you know where it is you can’t be certain what it’s doing: Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle; and this is not because you’re not looking carefully enough, it is because there is no such thing as an electron with a definite position and a definite momentum; you fix one, you lose the other, and it’s all done without tricks, it’s the real world, it is awake.