The Cowboy's Family Christmas

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Leanne stared at him, her eyes wide as if she was getting to the same place he was.

  “I know he didn’t stick around long after I got back,” he continued. “When I got out of the shower, he had his coat on and said that he had changed his mind about staying with me. He was heading home to Cedar Ridge. He said that he missed you and needed to talk to you, which I thought was strange given that you had broken up with him. I didn’t dare say anything to him, so we said goodbye and he left. I was confused by his strange behavior but also relieved that I wouldn’t have to explain to him what had happened between us.” He gave her a look. “Instead that fell on you.”

  “He came to my place early the next morning,” Leanne continued. “He seemed agitated and I thought it was because he missed me, like you said. And I was feeling so distraught after I got your texts.”

  “So the day after you get these horrible texts, he comes over to talk to you and asks you to marry him even though you broke up with him. Didn’t that seem odd to you?”

  She furrowed her brow in confusion, as if trying to understand where he was going.

  “You said you sent the texts at 5:00 p.m. here,” he continued, things slowly coming together for him. “That’s 7:00 p.m. Montreal time. I wasn’t back until after that. After Dirk left, I went looking for my phone, to let you know what was going on. I was thinking I might text you to let you know Dirk was heading home but all our conversations on the message app had disappeared. I remember thinking it odd at the time and wondering if I had somehow done that by mistake.”

  She shot him a confused look. “You weren’t picking up your phone when I called the first time.”

  “Because my phone was still in the apartment and I wasn’t. So if you sent those texts right after you tried to call again, it couldn’t have been me who replied to them.”

  Leanne closed her eyes, shaking her head as if processing the information.

  Reuben moved closer, daring to touch her as things finally fell into place.

  “I know what happened,” he said, fighting down his anger as he realized his conclusion fit with everything Leanne had said and his own memories of that evening. “I couldn’t have been the one who responded to your texts. But Dirk could have.”

  * * *

  Leanne stared at him, her mind whirling as she tried to make sense of what he said.

  “You think Dirk sent the texts?”

  “I can’t picture another scenario. I wasn’t in the apartment when you said you called or sent them but Dirk probably was.”

  Leanne looked away, feeling confusion at his replies.

  “Why would he—”

  “I think, deep down, he always knew how I felt about you. How important you were to me. Dirk was a great guy, but he wasn’t accustomed to being second best. He’d always been Dad’s favorite, he seemed to think everyone else felt the same about him. Can you imagine how he felt when he discovered you were probably pregnant with my son? Me? Mr. Second Best was your first choice?”

  She looked at him then, too easily recalling the anger and fury and sorrow she’d felt at what she’d thought was Reuben’s rejection of her.

  “I think I always knew that about him,” she said. Reality battled with the false illusions she’d created around both Dirk and Reuben, and a curious sorrow grabbed her heart. She had been wrong about both of them. And as she pieced together what happened, added it to her innate knowledge of Reuben and Dirk, she knew it was the only scenario that made sense.

  And as it did, relief flowed through her. Relief and a realization that Reuben truly was the man she thought he was.

  But behind that came a deep hurt.

  “What has Dirk done to us?” she asked, her voice tight with anger.

  Reuben moved closer, resting his hand on her shoulder.

  “He played on your fears. And mine.”

  “What fears did you have?”

  “That I would lose you after all. That I would come so close to complete happiness and have it taken away. Again.” He reached up with his other hand and stroked a strand of hair away from her face, another small connection that wore away the restraints she had placed around her heart.

  She looked into his eyes, and when she saw the raw pain there, all the desolation she had felt the past three years, all the misery and loneliness, rose up. And she realized he had been hurting too.

  She released a sob, then another.

  And suddenly she was in his arms, her head on his shoulder, her tears flowing. She held on to her anchor in this storm of sorrow and regret and missed opportunities.

  “It’s okay,” he whispered, his arms now around her, holding her close. “It’s okay. It’s over now.”

  Her tears flowed awhile longer but when they subsided, she stayed where she was, feeling safe and protected.

  She hardly dared believe that she was here, back in Reuben’s arms. It felt so right. So good.

  His arms felt like home.

  Then he tipped her chin up and wiped her tears away with his finger, smiling down at her. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that on your own. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here for you. You have to believe that things would have turned out much differently had I known everything.”

  “I know that,” she whispered.

  He grew serious as his hand cupped her face, his eyes traveling over her features. “I missed you.”

  His words dove into her soul and took root. “I missed you too.”

  Then he lowered his head and his lips brushed hers. Gently at first. Then he pulled her close to him.

  She wove her arms around his neck, her heart singing. This was how it should be.

  He was the first to pull away as he cradled her head on his shoulder and leaned back, holding her close. His chest lifted in a sigh and she placed her hand on his chest, warm under the fabric of his shirt, his heartbeat as elevated as hers.

  He traced gentle circles on the back of her head with his fingers.

  “So now what?” he asked.

  A great weariness drifted over her. A weariness created by years of anger and confusion that she could finally release.

  She drew back to look into his beloved face, to take in features that had haunted her waking thoughts and nightly dreams. “We can’t go back to where we were,” she said.

  “I don’t want to,” he said. “This, here and now, is how it should have been all these years.”

  Regret shivered through her at how long it had taken. At all the missteps along the way to here.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, but he stopped her.

  Then he held her gaze, his own features shifting. “So what’s next?”

  The thought sent a faint chill through her, thinking of the plans he had in place. Plans for a job that would take him away from here and keep him traveling. His idea that George should sell the ranch.

  “Can we just enjoy being together? Here? Now?” She couldn’t face those hard decisions. Not after they had finally found each other. She wanted just a few moments of her and Reuben. Together again.

  “Sounds good to me.” He gave her a careful smile, but she knew they were simply delaying what needed to be faced sometime.

  Then he sighed. “And George? Do we tell him about Austin?”

  She hesitated and he seemed to draw his answer from that.

  “Okay. Let’s give that a few days, as well.”

  She could tell he wasn’t entirely happy, but she wasn’t ready to see what George’s reaction to the truth would be. Not so soon after she and Reuben had found each other.

  “We will tell him,” she promised.

  “Okay. I’ll leave it at that,” he said. He bent over and brushed a kiss over her lips.

  His response created a surprising relief. She wanted to have this
uncomplicated time with Reuben for a little while longer. This moment of grace, so to speak.

  “So will you be coming here tomorrow?” she asked. “After church?”

  “Is this an invitation to Sunday lunch?” He grinned down at her, his fingers playing with her hair.

  “Of course it is. Though Sunday lunch isn’t roast and potatoes. I’ve scaled down considerably.”

  “I don’t think my mom ever did roast and potatoes either,” he said, with a teasing smile. “She always said it didn’t make for a restful Sunday.”

  Leanne nestled closer in his arms, toying with a button on his shirt pocket. “You mentioned I never said much about my father, but you never talked about your mother,” she said.

  He shrugged, resting his head on hers. “She was a good mom in her own way. I think living on the ranch was difficult for her. Way more isolating than she thought it would be.”

  “She was from Calgary, wasn’t she?”

  “Yeah. Dad met her at the Stampede. She was working as a waitress in one of the venues. He had Dirk with him and she seemed to connect with both of them. Two months later they were married.”

  “That was quick.”

  Reuben’s chest lifted in a sigh. “Too quick. My dad was struggling. He was lonely and trying to raise Dirk on his own, run the ranch and the store. So they got married and he brought her out here. She managed the first year but I think it was hard for her. I got the impression from George that she thought living on a ranch would be more glamorous than it was. Watched too many Dallas reruns maybe.” He released a hard laugh. “And then I was born, and according to the stories in Cedar Ridge, things went from worse to worst. She was gone a lot. Then one day she just left. I was five years old.”

  “So what do you remember of her?”

  “Bits and pieces. I remember her laughing, dancing with me in the kitchen. I remember her helping Dirk with his schoolwork. He had stronger memories of her than I did. He was older. But I also remember her crying, and her and George fighting a lot. I don’t think it was a happy marriage. Which is why, I believe, he’s always had a hard time with me. I was the reminder of the woman who took off on him. Humiliated him.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Leanne said.

  “I know it wasn’t. But I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with after she left. I was angry and sad and I missed her, and I don’t think George knew how to handle me. Plus he had to raise two boys by himself. And he was a firm believer in ‘spare the rod and spoil the child.’”

  “That must have been so difficult for you. Growing up like that.”

  “It wasn’t all bad.” He shrugged and looked away as if going back to another time. “I had some good memories. Dirk and I got along great and had a lot of fun.”

  “But you and George?”

  He sighed. “More complicated. He always seemed to hold me to a different standard, and I fought it every step of the way. He wasn’t the best father.”

  “I guessed that from things Dirk told me,” she said. “I know he always felt bad for you.”

  “Some of it was my own doing, I’ll admit. I pushed the boundaries.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever find a way to reconcile?” Leanne put out the question tentatively. “I know George was a difficult father, but I also have seen a caring side of him. He’s so loving with Austin.”

  She felt a shiver of apprehension at the way his mouth tightened.

  “That’s because he thinks Austin is Dirk’s kid. I wonder how he’ll react when he finds out he’s mine.”

  Reuben grew solemn and Leanne drew back, feeling torn. She knew he was right and that was one of the reasons she held off telling George. But in that moment she felt as if she was betraying Reuben.

  Just a few days longer, she told herself. She didn’t want the drama yet.

  “I still can’t believe I’m a father,” he said finally. “I didn’t think that would ever happen. Don’t know if I can do a good job of it given the example I’ve had. The father I have.”

  “I think you’ll be a great father,” she said, clutching his shoulder and squeezing her encouragement, fighting down her own concern about his reaction. “I don’t think you’ll be like George.”

  He said nothing to that, as if pondering her words.

  “I guess I’ll have to figure that out. Like I said, he wasn’t the best example and it wasn’t until I returned to God that I realized that I had another father who loved me unconditionally. That has made my life easier. I’m secure in my faith and that’s been a blessing.”

  “That makes me feel ashamed,” she said. “I wish I could say that I’m secure in my faith, as well.”

  “You used to be. What changed?”

  She tried to figure out how to say what she felt. “Some of that has been keeping the secret about Austin. But after Costa Rica, I felt ashamed—”

  He gave her a gentle shake. “It wasn’t just you. It was both of us. I know it maybe wasn’t our finest moment, but I know I’ve confessed that and I know God has forgiven me and you.”

  “I thought, for a while, that you were too ashamed of it all and that’s why you rejected me.”

  “Neither of us is perfect. I’ve made many mistakes but I also know that God is a loving father. I know that He forgives us if we ask.”

  “What about George?” she asked. “Do you think you can ever forgive him?”

  Reuben’s mouth grew tight and he got up, shoving his hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. “Just a few moments ago I helped George up from the table. He wasn’t feeling well. I asked him why he thought I deserved to be treated the way I was. I told him that all I ever wanted was to be his son.”

  Leanne heard the hurt in his voice.

  “You know what he said to me?” Reuben asked.

  She shook her head.

  “He told me, ‘You were never Dirk.’ That was his answer.” He released a harsh laugh. “So I don’t know if it’s a matter of forgiving him or letting go of the hold he has over me.”

  Leanne slipped her arms around him, holding him close. “I’m sorry I brought it up,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

  He said nothing. Instead he kissed her again and in that kiss Leanne felt his longing and his pain.

  He drew away, his expression melancholy. “Can we check on Austin before I leave?” he asked.

  She nodded then followed him as they walked up the stairs, her own feet heavy.

  As she walked, she prayed that she and Reuben and Austin could find their way through this new place. She also added a prayer for George.

  Because she knew that once they told him the truth, he would have much to deal with. They all would.

  Chapter Seven

  “But Joseph said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’”

  Pastor Blakely paused, looking down at the Bible in front of him, as if letting the words from Genesis settle into his heart as much as the gathered congregation.

  “Forgiveness is a word that can get tossed around too easily,” he said finally. “It can be something that is easier to tell other people to do than to do ourselves. Joseph had to forgive his brothers for what they’d done and that couldn’t have been easy. His life was taken away as a result of their decisions.”

  Reuben sat back in the pew, his arms crossed as he listened to the pastor, the text hitting too close to home. The story of Joseph had always been a favorite, though he had often sympathized with the older brothers at times. He knew what it was like to watch a son being favored so heavily by his father, the son of the wife he loved more.

  He glanced at Leanne who sat beside him, her hands folded on her lap. As if sensing his atte
ntion, her eyes slid sideways, catching his. The way her lips turned up encouraged him and he took a chance and slipped his hand in hers.

  She slid closer and once again he was struck with the wonder of this moment. How often had he sat beside his brother fighting down his jealousy, wishing it were him with Leanne instead of Dirk?

  Now, since he and Leanne had figured out what had happened with the wayward texts, he’d felt anger and disgust at what Dirk had done. How much he had destroyed for both him and Leanne.

  He closed his eyes, fighting down the anger and trying to focus on being thankful that he and Leanne were back together again, instead of fighting his feelings about his brother. But no sooner did he feel as if he were in command of himself than he thought of Austin and all the time he had lost in his son’s life.

  You have him now, he reminded himself. And once they talked to George, then he and Leanne could make plans for their future.

  Away from Cedar Ridge and George and the ranch and all the hard memories that clung to this place.

  Can you do it? Can you take all this away from your father?

  The thought lingered but behind that came what George had told him yesterday.

  If he was to truly be himself, whole and complete, then he had to leave this all behind. As long as he stayed close to George, his father would always determine his emotions and his sense of self-worth. He had fought too hard and too long to let his father have that hold over him again.

  And Leanne? Can you take her away from this?

  She couldn’t keep working the ranch the way it was going. Nor could his father keep it up.

  Can’t you stay?

  He pulled Leanne a little closer, turning his attention back to the sermon, pushing that question aside, as well. After what his father had said last night after Reuben had bared his soul, he knew he and his father could never reconcile.

  “I think the biggest mistake we make in forgiving is thinking that it is an emotion,” the pastor continued. “Forgiveness, like love, is often a decision. When you forgive someone, you release the power you have given them over you.”