Silent Music

by Aisling Magic

  Laughter bubbles out of her, and she looks at Phoenix. “But, Kai? I don’t want her to know all this. She has enough on her plate right now. I’ll go with the lighter version even though she’ll kick my ass for putting her under so much pain.”

  “I don’t doubt that. I was angry, too, but I know you meant well, Madison. She said that she wanted to give us a try,” I say as her swollen eyes widen.

  “She said that? When?”

  “Earlier. She said that it’s not love yet, but she has feelings for me, which are stronger than her.”

  “She’s afraid to say that she loves you. She wants to be sure.”

  I nod. Madison’s right. Phoenix wants to make sure that when she says that she loves me, she will mean it with her body and her soul.

  Madison chuckles. “I think Emmanuel will be proud. I defeated all psychology on earth and made her confess her feelings.” She winks at me, and I don’t deny it.

  Feeling Phoenix’s lips on mine made all the heartache, all the pain, all the frustrated moments, all the struggles worth it. Life suddenly looks brighter than the sunshine, and if I have to go under all that pain again to hear her say that she loves me now, I will walk through that road without a backward glance because she’s worth it. I know she will say those words and I’ll be waiting for that day.

  Your heartbeat is my music, Phoenix, and your smiles are my lyrics.

  CHAPTER 32

  PHOENIX

  After waking up to a snoring Kai on the hospital bench, we make it to his place at four in the morning. Greg’s under observation but otherwise fine—actually more than fine since Sophia is being very caring and Greg is whining about everything to get her attention.

  Once home, Kai doesn’t bother getting me my wheelchair. He carries me to his bedroom and lays half of my body on the bed with my legs dangling. Closing the door, he turns around and lets his head rest on the door, his eyes on me. After several seconds he asks, “Do you mean it? What you said at the hospital?” His voice is restrained, and he looks tense—unsure of himself.

  I jog my memory back and try to think of the many things that I didn’t say but wanted to, and then remember that I confessed my feelings for him—sort of—and said that I wanted to give us a try. I nod. “I want to give us a try.”

  Kai joins me on the bed in three strides and lifts my feet on the bed. He lowers himself down until our noses are touching, and confesses, “I have longed to hear you say that you love me, Phoenix, but that’s okay. I’ll wait, as long as I have to. You can’t know—” His voice breaks as water gathers on his bottom lids. “You can’t know how much I need you in my life.” Kai dips his head and touches his lips to mine.

  “Kai … show me you love me. Make me feel it.” These are the same words I whispered to him the first time we made love, and the look on his face tells me that he remembers. His breaths hit me in the face as my heart pounds against my ribs—he knows what I’m asking.

  “Phoenix … I don’t think …”

  I press my index finger on his lips. “I need to feel you. I need a reminder, and I need to remind myself of what we used to share. So here I am, with all my broken parts and scars.”

  “Oh, baby …” He grazes his fingers on my cheek. “Are you sure?” I know Kai’s thinking of all the ways that this could go wrong. I rejected him a few times when he made advances, and rejecting him now when he’s vulnerable will break him.

  I make it a point to look into his eyes as I answer, “I need to feel you …”

  “Phoenix,” he whispers, and I shudder. Kai removes my glasses and places them carefully on the nightstand.

  His fingers touch my lips, and he walks them down to my jaw … my chin … my neck and pausing each time to drop a kiss on the trail, causing my breath to hitch. He stops when he reaches my pulse, running his tongue on the sensitive spot. My throat works as I gulp. He continues with the kisses as his hands run down my waist, reminding me that we have too many clothes on.

  I lift my head to see his eyes on mine as he continues to drop kisses on my collarbone, on the top of my breast, on the necklace he gifted to me. He slides the neck of the dress lower, all the while maintaining eye contact, to kiss the top of my heart. My body temperature surges.

  “You’re so quiet,” he whispers, getting on his elbows facing me.

  “I’m living all those feelings that went missing for months. I’m feeling each one of them from the tip of my hair to the core of my soul. Please don’t stop.”

  Kai searches my face. His expression changes. His eyes darken, and he exhales hot air through his parted lips. They hit me in the face, and my chest tries harder to pull air in. Wrapping an arm around my waist, he lifts me to a sitting position and pulls down the zipper of my dress. I curl my right arm around his neck for support and press the other one on the bed to hold myself.

  He slowly peels the dress off me, leaving it to pool at my waist. Holding me with one hand, Kai uses the other hand to cradle my face as he licks the side of my neck and gives it a bite. Flares of heat rush through me. He rubs his stubble over the sensitive skin on top of my breast. It feels so good. I push my chest forward and pull him, seeking his mouth. Kai doesn’t disappoint. He licks and kisses the tingling skin as he unhooks my bra. He removes the bra and throws it across the room. With one last bite on my lower lip, he lays me back on the bed.

  Kai trails his finger around my hardened nipple and slowly slides his fingers to my rib cage … my stomach … pausing at my navel. He circles the navel and leans down to drop a kiss below, that little kiss spreading wonders through me.

  “Kai … please,” I whimper, not recognizing my voice.

  He rubs his stubble again just above my panty line and hooks his finger on the flimsy cloth to drag it down. Cold air hits my body, and I close my eyes, feeling his touch as he follows my panties to my ankle.

  “Look at me.” His voice drops several octaves lower, doing amazing things to the tipsy butterflies in my belly.

  I open my eyes, and they meet his heated ones, reminding me of how I tested his love, his trust, and ended up hurting him. My eyes water as I remember whom I’ve hurt, how I rejected his kisses, how I forgot the emotions of being with Kai.

  “Phoenix …” Kai moves upward. Leveraging his body on his arms, he leans to kiss my tears away. “What’s the matter, babes? You want me to stop?” He clenches his jaws and controls his breathing. I take in the throbbing veins on his forehead and his sweaty body. He’s gorgeous. His hand wipes my tears as they continue to flow.

  I shake my head, pain tugging a delicate string in my heart. “No … please don’t stop … never stop. Show me how much you love me,” I whisper, running my hand over his sweaty arms.

  Kai leaves the bed. In one swift move, he rips the shirt off his body, letting the buttons fall on the ground. He discards his pants until he’s naked in front of me. A sharpness strikes my chest as a whisper echoes in my mind that I won’t be able to undress him. I won’t be able to please him as I used to, and I’ll no longer be moving like a woman in bed with him. I press my lips together to stop the sobs, and Kai watches me.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he asks as he grabs a condom from his wallet and gets back on the bed, leaning on his elbows over me. I shake my head, signaling him that I don’t want any barriers in between. He looks at the condom and throws it back on the table.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, thinking about my useless legs. I’m ashamed of what I can no longer do. My body trembles, and he caresses my cheeks.

  “Baby, tell me.”

  “I can’t have sex properly,” I whisper and open my eyes.

  Kai’s lips tugs. “Baby, your legs can’t move, but you didn’t transform into a mermaid.” My brows furrow at what he said, and seeing the confusion on my face, he elaborates. “Mermaids can’t have sex. They don’t have the apparatus required to have sex, and that’s why they became extinct.”

  His words bring a wobbly smile to my face. “That’s not what I meant,
” I say, my eyes watering again as my thoughts get back to my handicap.

  “Then what?”

  “I’ll …” My voice cracks as the sobs take over. “Oh, Kai, I can’t please you as before … I won’t be able to give you what any women will be able to give you in bed.”

  As I look in his eyes, I see pain, but this time love clouds it all. “First, I don’t want any woman in my bed, I want you. You not pleasing me isn’t possible.” He captures my lips between his, and we kiss and kiss and kiss until the world stops existing.

  Kai breaks the kiss and parts my thighs. Insecurity fills me, but this time, I don’t let it get to me. I pull Kai back, slanting my mouth over his. Instinct wills me to curl my legs around his waist, but they refuse to move, so I grip Kai’s waist with one hand bringing his body closer, pressing my chest to his, needing all the proximity I can get. I separate our mouths and move my lips to his cheek, his jaw, his neck and kiss him harder, desperate to pour all my feeling into my limited actions.

  “God, babe, I need to be inside you,” Kai groans.

  He grips the sides of my face and looks into my eyes as he guides himself inside me. Our eyes widen while he slides himself home. Tears trickle down my temple, and I moan as he fills me. I breathe a shaky breath when he withdraws himself and slams back in me. My hands grab his back as support while he curls a hand around my waist and lifts me to meet his every thrust. I know what he’s doing—he’s making me move. I give him a shaky smile, and he kisses the smile, continuing to move us both to oblivion.

  Kai lays me back on the bed and glides his hand over the back of my thighs, lifting them to slam in me again and again and again. I throw my head back while my back curves in pleasure. “Do … you … feel this?” he asks, not slowing his thrusts.

  A loud moan breaks from my throat as he rolls his hips and I nod heartily. “God … yes … oh, Kai.”

  Kai lowers my thighs back on the bed and moves his hands to the back of my knees and opens me wider. “Fuck,” we both moan. It was the right amount of too much pleasure. Tears roll down, but my lips smile as Kai continues to move parts of my body showing me that he can make me move, and the aura of our lovemaking surrounding us makes me get lost in this frenzied moment.

  His muscles clench beneath my palm while I try to suck in more air. I throw back my neck and bite my lips as the intensity builds readying me for release and Kai rasps, “No, don’t hold anything back.” I struggle to keep my eyes open as the first waves wash through me, and I moan louder and louder when Kai squeezes my breasts and pleasure ripples through me. My eyes blur, and I squeeze them shut to get rid of the tears, but open them immediately because I want to watch him. Pleasure courses through him, and he clenches his jaw as he groans a release. I smile through my tears and my chest puffs with pride—I made this man groan.

  Kai drops his weight on me. I welcome it and stroke his hair. After a few breaths, he rolls us until I’m on top of him and he kisses my forehead. My head snuggles deeper in his chest as emotions pour out of me. I continue to soak his chest with my tears, and he keeps on murmuring soft words. He threads his fingers through mine while his other hand continues to touch the scar on my side and draw circles onto it.

  “That was … wow.”

  I lift my neck and kiss his jaw. “Yeah … wow,” I breathe, our gaze locking, and somehow the missing pieces of the puzzle get back to their respective places—me in Kai’s arms. I connect the emotions to the details of each moment that we once shared together, returning them to where they belong.

  KAI

  I take a look at the clock: four minutes past six. My fingers continue to stroke her head on my chest. Phoenix passed out half an hour ago, but I haven’t been able to find my sleep. When you find what you’ve been seeking for years and you finally have it, you don’t sleep. You keep those eyes peeled open and watch over it so that it doesn’t disappear.

  I know Phoenix told me repeatedly that she has feelings for me and she’ll say those words when the time is right, but there’s a part of my heart that feels like this is all a beautiful dream—where I’m ready to spend my whole life and never wake up.

  The first time I saw Phoenix in the park was the day I thought I found love, but when she kissed me yesterday, and we made love, the sensation that gushed and hit my heart was so much more. And then when she came around me, I felt like I was about to burst.

  I’m marrying this woman. Today, tomorrow, after five years, It doesn’t matter. She’s the one for me. I knew it back then, and I know it now—she’s made for me, and I for her.

  CHAPTER 33

  PHOENIX

  A smile spreads over my face as I watch the stars twinkle in the sky and hear the night building its own music.

  It’s been an amazing day so far. In the morning, Kai took me to my therapies, then we went to see a movie. Since it was late when we got back, we ate at a restaurant and came to Kai’s place. But when I stepped inside, I saw that Kai has installed some kind of lifts in his house which would help me reach places where the wheelchair can’t—like taking a bath or lift me from my wheelchair and place me on the toilet seat or bed. This made me bawl my eyes out. After my babbling attempt to scold him on making such a big hole in his bank account, he brought me here, in his backyard to watch the stars and forget about the lifts. And I love gazing at the stars with Kai, it’s always a favorite moment.

  “Why are stars so pretty? They’re just rocks. So many of them that are lost in the crowd. But when the light hits them, they’re beautiful. Alone or in the group, they’re still so beautiful,” I muse aloud.

  “They’re beautiful because, no matter how dark, they keep their shine. And the darker it gets, the brighter they shine,” Kai replies, turning his head toward me. “Like you,” he whispers sweetly.

  I turn to look at him. His gaze holds so much love that I can’t hold his stare for too long. I bring my fingers to his chest and start drumming. Kai’s mouth curves in a smile, and I adjust my head over his arm. I snuggle closer, and he caresses my hair.

  “Why do you still love me, Kai?” I ask the question that has been nagging me. “Is it because you feel guilty that I opened your text when …” I stop, not wanting to speak about the accident.

  He stiffens. “You think that I’ve waited for you because I felt guilty?” He brushes the back of his fingers on my cheek. “Babe, I love you. That’s the one and only reason why I waited.”

  “But why me?”

  Kai doesn’t miss a beat. “Because you’re amazing, and each time you smile at me, the world feels amazing. When you meet my eyes and bite those lips, I feel like a damn good person. And when I make love to you, and you moan my name out loud, my male ego jumps on the Empire State Building and beats its chest like fucking King Kong.”

  I laugh and smack his chest. “No, but truly, Kai, have you ever thought how difficult it’ll be to have me by your side? I mean, you perform, and you’re someone who’s going to be so famous, but you can’t roam the world while you’re chained to someone like me.” Even though I know Sydney and Amberson were being assholes, what they said hit me hard. I want to be sure that Kai is with me because he wants to be with me, and not because he feels guilty because of the accident, or because he doesn’t want to hurt poor Phoenix.

  “I never want you to have these thoughts again. You’re not chained to me, Phoenix. And, even if tomorrow I’m performing in different corners of the world, this doesn’t mean that I can’t be with you. Yes, you may not always be with me, and I may go wherever I’m needed, but in the end, I’ll always come back home … to you.” He looks at me. “Please, I don’t want you to think that because you’re in a wheelchair now, we can’t be together. Are we clear?”

  I nod and kiss his cheek. Once his hands start roaming my waist, all questions run away from my mind, and I close my eyes to savor the attention. I let Kai caress my body, dropping light kisses on my collarbone and my neck. Sometimes he bites, sometimes he licks, and other times he just trails his lips
. And there are times where he grazes his stubble on my skin—this is my favorite. I love when he does this.

  “I want to go back to college,” I say.

  His hands pause for a few seconds before he resumes his caressing. “Are you sure?”

  I nod. “I want to finish it.”

  “And then?” he asks, laying a kiss on my neck.

  My breath shakes, absorbing the light kisses he’s scattering over me. “And then … I haven’t decided yet.” He nods at my neck, mumbling his okay, so I move his head up and see he’s wearing that smile. The one reserved only for me. “Okay?”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  God, this boy! I take his lower lip between my teeth and suck it lightly. He moves his hand to my neck and holds it while he deepens the kiss. When we pull apart, I confess, “Sometimes, I’m scared.”

  “Of what?” He brings my leg over his and starts caressing it.

  “Of what will happen later on. In our future,” I say, twisting my body to look at him. I’m scared that one day he’ll look at me and realize that it’s all been a huge mistake.

  Kai kisses my nose. “Do you know what I see in our future?”

  I shake my head.

  He brings his forehead to mine. “I see you sitting under a tree with your brows furrowed, trying to write lyrics and I’m sitting in front of you, loving those small expressions that you make when you write. If one can read your face, they’ll see the whole song playing there. And then I’ll help you with the words, just like I always do.”

  I smile.

  “Another day, I see us fighting over whose turn it is to sing for the other person. Then another day, I see us taking a bath in our house, where we’ll have wild monkey sex until all the water in the tub is on the floor.”

  I laugh at the image he’s painting, but at the same time, I like the portrait. I’ll like living like this. “Then?” I ask.

  Kai nuzzles my neck, making me jolt as his stubble tickles. He chuckles. “Then … then I see you reading all those silly romances that you read before bed, and you tell me how stupid you find those heroes and how sexy you find me.”