Tour of Duty: Stories and Provocation

by Michael Z. Williamson

  Shellfish can be tossed directly in the fire. Fish should be grilled, placed skin-on in the flames or planked onto wood and cooked by radiant heat.

  A note on “desired doneness”: Some purists insist a steak must be still bleeding and mooing to be manly. While it certainly is manly, it’s not the only way. Medium pink is still meat, after all, and well-done is just a sacrifice to Odin, without wasting the leftovers. He will be honored to know that men are still thinking of him. Just be aware that chicken and pork MUST be cooked completely to be safe, as must sausages.

  Some of the more manly choices for meat include elk, venison, antelope, ostrich, bear, kangaroo and alligator. But any animal flesh including fish retains the power and sense of our great ancestors, roasting it on the beach before or after a raid.

  Afterwards is the time to toss on a knot of pine and some wrist-thick scrub to create large, manly flames, illumination for the drinking of ale, mead and whisky, carousing, cursing and boasting that must surely follow.

  The Ten Manliest Firearms

  by Guest Author, Crazy Einar

  These next two pieces are funny. Not because they’re humorous, though I’m told by many fans that they are, but because of the outrage they generate. Pretty much every gun on these lists has been scoffed at by a group of others as “not manly,” while they extol the virtues of some other gun, which another group of detractors mocks. I get regular mail that by not including gun X, I can’t possibly consider my list to be manly. When I rattle off from memory a dozen critical flaws in said firearm, they resort to ad hominem argument that I can’t possibly be a man if I disagree with them. They don’t actually address the matter of the critical flaws.

  Of course, those flaws don’t really matter, given the introductory statement. And there are some manly French guns, too. I do, however, draw the line at pearl grips and gold plating. Those are not subject to discussion.

  Actually, nothing is. If you don’t like my list, if you have a better list, I really don’t care, and don’t waste your time telling me. Read the first paragraph again and heed it.

  This was a hard piece to write, because guns by definition are manly, except for Berettas, gold-plated TEC9s, .25 caliber pistols or anything made by the French. To simplify things, I have limited it to modern cartridge firearms a man might, can, and should collect and shoot. There are certainly other manly weapons, and you may have a different list. As long as the list contains nothing French, gold-plated, .25 or with pearl grips (which Patton correctly observed are the mark of a New Orleans pimp), it is a good list. Let me repeat that: You are encouraged to make your own list. A long as you’re shooting something, it’s all good. Now please read this intro again so you don’t embarrass yourself by arguing a point already made. Ask for help with any big words.

  10: SMLE

  The 10 SMLE was the other great weapon of the Modern British Empire (The Brown Bess musket being the first). Several MILLION Short, Magazine, Lee Enfields, in .303 caliber are still spread across the Earth, waiting to be used to evolve the species by killing the weak.

  The Smelly, as it is called by those who love it, can also be had in .308 from the Indians at the Ishapore Arsenal. There are still several billion rounds of .303 surplus out there, however, and it is still loaded by modern manufacturers. Karamojo Bell was such a testosterone laden bastard he used to hunt elephant with one. Forget .470 Nitro Express and .375 Holland & Holland Magnum. This was a warrior par excellence.

  The Smelly is still the fastest bolt action out there, and a trained soldier (All Brits have Viking blood in their veins, either from the Norse, or those lesser Danes, but probably both) can fire just about a round a second in volley fire, and easily a round every five seconds aimed. It’s an ugly stick with a barrel on it, and a bayonet lug that mounts either a spike big enough to crucify someone, or a blade the size of a small sword. The front end of a SMLE is the bad end of a SMLE. You want to be on the good end, behind it.

  It was used in WWI by Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis, some Americans and various allies. It slaughtered Turks and Germans. In WWII, it slaughtered more Germans and Italians. Okay, maybe bragging about dead Italians isn’t so great, but it also killed Sicilians. And killing Germans definitely is a mark of manliness, because they also carry strong Viking genes. It was used in Burma, Malaysia and throughout the Pacific against the Imperial Japanese. It has won many wars.

  Best of all, with so many still out there, the prices are quite reasonable, and spare parts are plentiful. Of course, the Smelly doesn’t break down much, so you shouldn’t need spare parts, except the safety lever, and why would a real warrior worry about the safety? If you shoot someone, it’s because you intended to and they deserved to die. If you can’t find a Smelly near you, you may also carry a Lee-Enfield #4 Mk 1 and feel just as manly, it being the final offspring of the line.

  9: Mosin-Nagant M91/30

  Speaking of guns without safeties, here’s the Mosin-Nagant from Russia. The Mosin was used by the Russians against the Finns, the Finns against the Russians, the Estonians against the Russians, the Russians against the Russians, and the Russians against the Germans. It does, in fact, have a safety, but it’s quite hard to engage. But this is not a complaint one would ever voice in the Red Army. Your officer would reply, “Safety? Safety? Is gun! Meant to kill! No warrior should know he has safety on gun, because he should be killing enemies of homeland! Safety make loud click to aid enemy in locating warriors! No safety!” while pounding his fist on the table.

  And the Mosin can kill enemies of homeland. The muzzle blast will vaporize green growth within a few feet of the bore, and even if you miss, the enemy will be reduced to shouting “WHAT?” to communicate. You’ll need a recoil pad or shooting jacket. Ordinarily, this might be considered unmanly, but this rifle has a short stock for using while wearing several layers of wool for a Russian winter. It is acceptable to wear padding to fire a Mosin.

  Of course, there are also M38, M44 and other variations of Mosin-Nagant and all are cool. All, also (except the M38), come with a bayonet. Russian doctrine held that the bayonet was mounted except while traveling in a vehicle, because the Russians understood that an empty rifle could still be a pointy stick—a Viking spear. The Russians loved to spear Turks. So, coincidentally, did the Vikings. This rifle sounds better all the time, doesn’t it? The Finns used the Mosin as a sniper rifle during the Winter War, and their greatest Sniper was Simo Häyhä, who had 500 confirmed kills in 100 days. This is a man the Finns describe as “modest” and “self-effacing.” It’s a good thing the Russians didn’t run into a Finn who was proud and arrogant. They’d have been wiped out.

  It fires a 7.62X54R (for “Rimmed”) cartridge, about as powerful as .30-06, which holds the distinction of being in service from 1891 to the present, longer than any other military cartridge. It is still used in Dragunovs, PKMs and other Russian weapons. It’s cheap in quantity. So are the rifles, because they were built for (all variations) over 70 years, by Russia, Finland, Poland, Romania, China, even the U.S. As I write this, arsenal-new M44s are $55 to $200. At that price, you should have several, so any guests you have during the Collapse can be outfitted as they receive Enlightenment. Then they can pillage, kill, sack and loot with the rest of the men who secure a new Dark Ages to hasten the new renaissance. We have kingdoms to carve, men!

  8: GLOCK

  The GLOCK is feared by neoliberals. It’s called “plastic” and “ceramic” and “capable of going through airport metal detectors.” If this were true, it would be the coolest gun on Earth. But these things are total lies, and serve to point out that neoliberals are not men, and have no honor. The GLOCK has a plastic frame molded over a kilogram of metal (84% of the weight is metal), and will in fact, show up on any metal detector. So will the dense plastic.

  Yes, the correct spelling is GLOCK. GLOCK insists so. As they are men and wish to loudly announce themselves, this should always be respected, despite any personal allegations against Gaston. A man is known
by his work.

  But the GLOCK is tough. How tough? http://www.theprepared.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=90&Item. To summarize: The GLOCK in question has not been cleaned in ten years, has been buried in dirt, saltwater, gravel, talc, dropped from a plane, dragged behind a car, tossed off a roof, driven over with a truck, and it still works. Gaston Glock didn’t know anything about guns, and started from the ground up, thus not having any preconceived notions and incorporating the best technology available. It is an almost flawless killing machine.

  GLOCKs came originally in 9mm, and have also been made in various numbers in 10mm, .40S&W, .380, 9X21mm, .357 Sig and .45 GAP. However, the only acceptable caliber for a man to carry is .45 ACP. 10mm is good but hard to find, .40S&W is a wussified 10mm that the FBI created when it found out its agents weren’t manly enough for 10mm, .357 Sig is excellent but hard to find, .45 GAP is new and untested, .380 is only acceptable as a backup caliber, and no man would be found dead with a 9mm. Actually, a man knows he WOULD be found dead with a 9mm, because a 9mm is a .45 set on stun, and real men do not believe in stun.

  GLOCKs are not cheap. They are much in demand by police and military around the world. Fascist European pussies refuse to sell them to Israel, because they secretly like the idea of dead Jews. The Israelis, being practical and almost as manly as Vikings, acquire GLOCKs anyway. If Viking king Harald Hardraada were alive today, his symbol of power would be a GLOCK 21.

  7: Swiss K31 Carbine

  “While traveling around Switzerland on Sundays, everywhere one hears gunfire, but a peaceful gunfire: this is the Swiss practicing their favorite sport, their national sport. They are doing their obligatory shooting, or practicing for the regional, Cantonal or federal shooting festivals, as their ancestors did it with the musket, the arquebus or the crossbow. Everywhere, one meets urbanites and country people, rifle to the shoulder, causing foreigners to exclaim: ‘You are having a revolution!” —General Henri Guisan

  Switzerland has not been invaded in a long time, because every man and a lot of the women are issued guns which they keep at home. Imagine a government that not only allows but insists its citizens keep military grade weapons. That’s points right there. Even more, they hold quarterly Schützenfests, at which shooting, carousing and drinking are expected. And it’s entirely possible you will have your ass handed to you by a thirteen year old girl shooting an StG90 assault rifle that she carried to the range from school, slung across her back while pedaling her bicycle. Swiss GIRLS are better men than most allegedly-male American liberals.

  There is a story, possibly apocryphal but awesome nonetheless, that a ranking German (perhaps the Kaiser) was visiting and watching the Swiss military on their summer maneuvers. He asked the Swiss commander, “How big a force do you command?”

  The Swiss general confidently replied, “I can mobilize one million men in twenty-four hours.”

  The German asked, “What would happen if I marched five million men in here tomorrow?”

  The Swiss replied, “Each of my men will fire five shots and go home.”

  Note that Switzerland was not invaded during either World War, and still used an updated version of the same bolt action rifle from 1889 to 1959, and kept it in reserve service until 1980.

  The Swiss K31 carbine is . . . well, the Swiss Watch of rifles. It is precise, sturdy, accurate, powerful and unusual in having a straight pull bolt action. It might as well be semi-auto, if a gas tube had just been added. But the Swiss are traditionalists and not afraid of it.

  The K31 packs a kick. It fires a 7.5 mm Swiss round that is expensive, because it only comes from Switzerland and it’s only available in match grade. There is no non-match grade Swiss Ammo. Swiss soldiers don’t miss. This is why they’ve never had to demonstrate the fact. Invaders fear a mountain range full of snipers.

  The K31 is available surplus for $275 or so in 2011, in conditions varying from “Arsenal new” to “Beaver chewed.” The beaver chewed version is because the Swiss, when performing their summer drills, tend to use the rifle butts to pound TENT STAKES when they run short of mallets. It is an ugly but durable weapon, from a nation that respects the warrior spirit. As a bonus, when buying one surplus, one may find a card under the buttplate identifying the gentleman who was issued it. This is an awesome historical detail: a warrior’s weapon with the warrior’s mark on it. Some people have even managed to contact the soldier or his family from this information.

  6: AK47

  Another communist piece of trash, and I say that with the greatest respect. The Automat Kalashnikov in 7.62X39mm is simple enough for a third world peasant. It’s quite robust. It is muzzle heavy and thus shoots well in full auto, though it is unlikely you can own a full auto one legally. Still, in semi, the weight helps a bit with rapid fire. The AK can be called anything except pretty and accurate, and it lacks a bolt stop to hold the action open when empty. On the other hand, you can bury it in the mud for a week and it will likely still fire after you urinate in it to sluice the mud out. You can also elect to get a variation of the newer AK74 and AK100, in 5.45X 39mm. Also look at Valmet, Finland, who makes AKs with their own name. These are accurate, but pricey.

  The AK is one of the two most popular and common military rifles in the world today. It is a must for a warrior’s armory.

  5: Smith & Wesson Model 29

  The .44 Magnum, as carried by Dirty Harry, is the quintessential man’s gun. Harry took no crap from anyone. Any cop who clutches a thug in the elevator in front of his attorney and the prosecutor, compares him to dogshit and implies impending death is doing Odin’s work.

  Did you know that in The Eiger Sanction Clint decided the stunts were too dangerous for him to ask anyone to do them for him, so he learned mountain climbing and was the last climber up the Totem Pole in Monument Valley, before climbing the Eiger? That scene with the 1000 foot drop below and he has to cut his rope? Yup. Clint did that stunt. He writes his own music (he’s an accomplished jazz pianist), performs it and directs most of his movies. He ran for mayor of Carmel, then left after one term. A modest, competent man and a role model for all. He should play heavy metal to be perfect, but he was also born in 1930 (meaning he was 43 when he climbed that mountain), so we can excuse the jazz bit. At least it’s not rap, country or disco.

  Even without that manly vote, the Model 29 was designer Elmer Keith’s triumph: A hand cannon that packs as much wallop as many mid-range rifles. It can be used to hunt fairly large game, and it will put a thug down with extreme pain. Mercifully, the pain will fade concurrently with blood loss from the gaping hole it leaves.

  It’s a comfortable revolver, and if .44 Magnum is too much, you can load it with .44 Special instead. It is stronger than it needs to be, quite accurate, and instantly recognizable. Carrying it in a well-made leather holster says that you are, in fact, a man and you take no crap.

  4: AR15

  Lots of people will dispute my choice of this rifle. Those people are whiners and pussies. Let’s look at the facts: The Air Police grabbed it under direction from General Curtis leMay. Upon seeing it in Vietnam, the Green Berets, SEALs, and SAS jumped on it, to be followed by the Singaporean Special Forces and the Israelis. It soon became standard. Certainly, there were problems early on, in part because the limpwristed twits in Army Logistics made changes to the weapon and ammo without consulting with the designer, Eugene Stoner. The USMC (the manliest men of the manliest military on the planet, and true Vikings—shipboard warriors who strike fear into their enemies just by existing) were called in to remedy some of those flaws with the M16A2. Some milspec guns have reached almost 30,000 rounds without maintenance.

  It works well in the desert, as long as it’s run dry (to blow sand out) or well-lubed (to sluice the sand out). Choose your method, and don’t pussyfoot around. All myths aside, the 5.56 mm round has killed a LOT of Asian losers who thought they could screw with Americans and come out ahead. If anyone doubts it, I have a standing offer to meet them at 500 yards and we’
ll swap fire. I get to shoot first. At 500 yards, a 5.56mm still packs more energy than a .45 ACP does at the muzzle. That’s plenty of power. And it’s not a sniper rifle. You should not be engaging at that range with an assault rifle. It’s made to be light, deadly and face-to-face. It’s the modern equivalent of the Viking’s bow and broadsword.

  What can you do with this rifle? What can’t you do with it? It can be converted to .22, 6mm, 6.8mm, .300 Fireball, 9mm, .50 Beowulf. All you have to do is press two pins and swap upper receivers. You can have anything from a 6” pistol to a 24” match rifle in a matter of minutes. It can be equipped with scopes, sights, lights, lasers, grips, slings, counterweights, pouches, compartments, underslung launchers and shotguns, bayonets and probably a kitchen sink. The USMC is impressed enough to have designed an M16A4 and plans to carry it for some time. At fifty-one years as of 2013, it holds the record for rifle service life in the U.S. military, was and still is the rifle of choice of several elite units. Third world peasants carry AK47s. Elite experts carry AR15s. It does require occasional maintenance and you must read the manual. Real men do read manuals, regarding instruments of death.

  AR15s start at $550 and go up. Generally, the manlier, the more expensive, but over $2000 indicates you are just showing off.

  3: Remington 870

  Geek with a .45 says, “The pump action shotgun is sort of a Swiss Army gun.” He’s correct. You can hunt birds, squirrels, deer, criminals or terrorists.

  The Remington 870 has been around for decades. It is easy to maintain, easy to find parts for, almost flawlessly reliable, can be outfitted with a broad variety of accessories that enhance its inherent and undisguisable lethality. I recommend a twenty inch barrel with an extended seven-round magazine, plus one in the chamber, alternating buckshot and slugs. Or you can go with all buckshot. This affords the opportunity to fire eight-rounds with nine pellets each of 000 buck, measuring approximately 9mm, in about two and a half seconds with practice. That’s twice the output of an Uzi with better hit probability and more power. In other words, as guns go, it is very well hung.