Tour of Duty: Stories and Provocation

by Michael Z. Williamson

  For hunting, I’d recommend a twenty-four inch barrel with changeable choke tubes. You can get longer, but don’t really need it.

  The only real disadvantage to a shotgun is range. One hundred yards is about the limit, and less with shot. This is offset by the advantages of a reassuring “kaclack” as you cycle it (Reassuring to you. Gut wrenching to your target), massive firepower that can leave a man standing dead, looking down at a hole in his torso big enough to toss a dog through, versatility of ammo, simplicity and low cost. You can often get one police surplus for under $150, used, and new for under $300.

  Every house needs at least one pistol, rifle and shotgun. This is the shotgun if you can afford it. By all means buy a more modern Benelli as well, but the 870 is still the American standard. When the revolting scum start rioting like chimps and burning cars in the streets of America, it will quickly come to a stop because of Viking-sired rednecks with Remington 870 pump action shotguns.

  2: Colt Model 1911A1 .45 ACP

  John Moses Browning is the patron saint of shooters and weapon designers. This was a man so manly that his sole purpose in life was to create weapons to kill tasty animals and the enemies of our nation in job lots. These weapons were so successful that both sides used the Hi Power in WWII, and the U.S. Army is fixing its unmanly error of the 9mm by calling for bids on a new .45, while the Marine Recon units and certain other Special Operations units are STILL using the Model 1911A1 with a few improvements, now well over a century after it was first fielded.

  There are many versions of the 1911. The patent is expired, and dozens of companies produce a version. What can you expect? Real warriors know a good gun, and this gun is the most popular for that reason. This is a pistol so manly that during WWII, it was even made by Singer Sewing Machine, and collectors prize that version for its rarity. The 1911 is the pistol people think of when the word is invoked. In fact, when I am World Dictator, the only pistols that will be allowed to be produced will be the 1911 and the GLOCK.

  The 1911 is available in long slide, standard, short, bobbed, officer’s models (slightly more compact), with dozens of accessories and custom shapes, in chrome, nickel, stainless, blued steel, Damascus, aluminum, titanium and plastics. All are good. The one caution is that some effete wimps have persuaded makers to produce some non .45 versions, in .38 Super, 9mm and other inferior chamberings. A real man may carry a more powerful 10mm version, but he’d better have a .45 ACP slide and barrel at home as backup.

  1: Barrett M82 .50 caliber rifle

  Ronnie Barrett is a true modern Viking. He hunts big game. He plays with guns. One day in the late 70s, he thought to himself, “Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a rifle that fired the same .50 BMG cartridge as Saint John Browning’s Heavy Machine Gun?” So he built it. That’s manly.

  When the metrosexual Kalifornia wusses were wetting their pants over “assault rifles,” he got dragged into the argument. You see, Ronnie sells many weapons to police departments, for use in stopping bad guys, so they claim. By “bad” guy they sometimes mean tattooed gangbanger. They also sometimes mean balding, pony-tailed, pot-smoking hippie, though. After all, this IS Cretinfornia.

  But that wasn’t enough for Commiefornia. They had a ban on “assault weapons” (An “assault weapon” is a semantically null political term that means “It can be used to hurt people.”) As the real commies in Russia, who were men descended from Vikings (at least the ones in charge) would note, “Of course hurts people. Is weapon.” You may as well refer to your “house home.” The wussy definition of “Assault weapon” bears no resemblance to the U.S. military’s definition. It comes down to, “It’s black and makes us poopoo in our panties!”

  So, even with a ban on “assault weapons” that included most self-loading rifles, including Barrett’s M82 Light Fifty, the People’s Republic of Kalifornija wanted more. They dragged one of his rifles from the L.A. SWAT armory and used it (Illegal for civilians to own, mind you), as a horrible example of weapons that Must Be Banned Lest They Pollute Our Precious, Bodily Fluids.

  They got their ban, because their voters are the type of trilling limpwrists one sees portrayed in movies as stereotypes . . . only in Californica they’re not stereotypes, they’re typical. It must suck to be a real man on the Left Coast.

  Now, Ronnie is not a metrosexual wuss. Ronnie is, in fact, a real testosterone-laden Viking man. He warned them then, then he told them, he would oppose them in their pursuit. And Ronnie does not make idle threats. He is a man of his word.

  A few weeks later, LA SWAT sent one of these rifles that they use for shooting fleeing mopeds back to Barrett for maintenance . . . and Ronnie sent it right back to them, untouched, contract cancelled, with polite instructions to stick it somewhere dark and smelly and ride it straight to hell. Not only that, he publicly and proudly announces in all his advertising that he will not sell to or deal with any government entity in communist third world Kali.

  And that, ladies and gentleman, is a man. While not everyone can afford or make use of his wonderful toys, it’s certainly an honor and privilege to promote a real modern Viking who understands the application of bowel-emptying terror, and how to tell friend from foe.

  And there’s more! After securing military contracts for antimateriel sniping (Generators, vehicles, radars, etc), and facing the wrath of Sarah Brady and her Gun-Grabbing Sideshow (which wrath he snickered at, it having all the intimidation of an angry kitten and Ronnie, as we noted, being a Viking), he gave the ultimate middle finger gesture and redesigned the weapon into 25 mm, or TWICE as big. This is a man so cool even his sperm smoke unfiltered Camels. And that makes this gun the manliest gun on Earth.

  Ten More Manly Firearms

  The hilarious thing about the list of the ten manliest firearms was the hate mail. I must have received a hundred letters informing me that if XX firearm wasn’t on the Top Ten list, I was not a man. So apparently there are 100 Top Ten firearms. Or more. As I noted up front: Make your own list. It’s all good.

  In fact, it’s so good, I did it again.

  Previously I compiled a list of the Ten Manliest Firearms. I noted that variations on the list were certainly acceptable, but still ran into a bunch of grief from non-men who were unable to read, nor to grasp that real men don’t care if other real men disagree with them. Still, there are a lot of guns out there, so I figured it was time to compile another list. You should own all of these guns before they’re illegal, then buy more until the politicians wet pants and blubber like the wusses they are. And if you don’t like this list, compile your own, or wait for the next one.

  10 1895 Nagant Revolver

  This is the revolver used to invent the game of Russian Roulette, and not that pansy one round in a cylinder version. The original version was to remove one round and play with six in the seven round cylinder. That tells you what Imperial Russians thought of the Bullshiviks. Yes, I spelled it that way on purpose. Imagine the balls it takes to raise that to your head, knowing there’s almost an 86% chance (85.7%, and you gain a slight edge from the weight of the other cartridges tending to improve the odds of the empty chamber*) you’re going to blow your brains out.

  The trigger pull is also manly—seventeen pounds in double action. That’s because the cylinder actually moves forward to seal the breech, making this the only revolver you can effectively silence. Not that a man should use a silencer, of course. If you kill someone, everyone should know about it. Still, that sealed breech does add a slight improvement in velocity.

  The downside is that 7.62 Nagant is not the most robust of rounds. However, it is currently in production. You can also get a conversion cylinder that fires .32ACP, and a gunsmith can ream it out to fire .32 Smith and Wesson and .32 H&R magnum as well.

  This gun holds the record for largest body count, having dispatched almost two million people. Granted, most of them were kneeling six inches from the muzzle.

  *And if you can do that calculation while spinning and pointing, you’re a man amon
g men.

  9 1893 Turkish Mauser

  An odd choice, you might think. However, you may not have all the facts. It fires common 8mm Mauser, the preferred German round from 1888 through the 1950s in various loadings. That’s a little bigger than .30-06 and about as powerful. It served to kill Frenchmen in WWI and Commies and Frenchmen in WWII, among others. It’s reliable and cheap (both the ammo and the platform).

  It’s also legally an antique. Weapons manufactured before 1899 (and some other categories we won’t discuss) are not firearms. Yes, they shoot ammo and kill people, but due to one of the many, many, many, many, many stupid, irrelevant and cowardly gun control laws by whiny statist slime, such rifles and revolvers are not considered to be firearms. This means you can send them through the mail. Yes, really. A Federal Firearms Licensee (Gun dealer) can’t even enter it into his books as a firearm, because it’s not. These are one of the last bastions of freedom. You should own several.

  8 Colt Python

  There are revolvers, and then there are revolvers, and then there’s the Python. One of, if not the, best fit and most accurate revolvers, and in .357 Magnum. The Python is all that, and elegant and classy as well. This is the kind of gun you wear to dinner, in a well-tooled leather holster cut to show off its lines. It’s jewelry, if real men wore jewelry, which they do not. Except things like this.

  7 98K Mauser

  The rifle used by German Bastards! as Patton called them. The 98 action was copied for the 1903 Springfield (and the poor Mauser brothers sued, won, and then had the settlement seized as part of WWI. Why? It wasn’t their fault), and is still used for the best hunting rifles, either directly, or as a CZ or Winchester, among other brands. It’s accurate, durable and reliable, and a neat piece of history. I have one in my collection that was used to kill Commies on the Eastern Front, then was captured by the Commies, rearsenaled and used to kill Nazis. It’s twice as cool.

  6 FAL

  The Fusil Automatique Legere is a heavy bitch. Battle rifles generally are. It was called, “The right arm of the Free World” and was NATO standard for decades. It was used by most of the former British Empire, most of South America, Japan and other nations. It’s still used by a few. It manages what the M14 failed to do, which is to be a rifle and a squad weapon, and carbine. It’s reliable, simple and shits all over that HundK clone of the CETME, the G3. Rainbow Six players like HundKs. Real warriors would go for the FAL.

  5 CZ550 in .600 Overkill

  One day, an American scientist from Nevada decided to pack the biggest, most powerful cartridge possible into a Mauser action. The result was the .600 Overkill. This is not just an advertising name. This is a gun so insanely powerful it can put a solid bronze bullet six feet into an oak log. The bullet going through the rifling can twist the barrel right out of the shooter’s hand, and recoil is “manageable” in a fourteen pound gun with three mercury recoil reducers. Sure, you could get a fancy double Eurorifle . . . if you sold your house. This is more affordable, more powerful, cruder, more atavistic . . . in short, more American. And manlier.

  4 Martini-Henry

  Rorke’s Drift was the British Empire’s equivalent of the Alamo, except the defenders won. Balls the size of melons, stiff upper lips, Martini-Henry rifles, and yards of bayonet. This is a rifle with a point blank range exceeded by the length of barrel and steel. And what steel! It doesn’t matter if you get caught reloading (The Martini-Henry is a falling block single shot. Victorian British men only needed one shot), because you have a bayonet long enough to skewer a goat, an Arab, a couple of onions and a chicken. Bring it on.

  3 Webley Revolvers

  The Webley .455, nicknamed the Wobbly, was the British service sidearm for a long time. It’s certainly not concealable, but why would you? This is a weapon you’re proud to show a thug, and if you run out of bullets, you can always proceed to brain him with the thing. It breaks open, takes 6 large cartridges, and many have their cylinders shaved to take .45 ACP in moon clips.

  It’s manly no matter how you look at it. There’s no shame in being put down by a Webley. Better men than you have been given a .455 dirt nap.

  “How did he die?”

  “.455 Webley through the skull.”

  “Damn, that sucks. Manly way to die, though.”

  No one would say that about James Bond’s .32.

  2 M1 Garand

  I don’t like the Garand. It has a legion of flaws. However, for its time, it was state of the art, and that time did coincide with WWII. A great many Nazi and Jap bastards learned to fear the Garand, with good reason. The WWII American forces were definitely manly, so their rifles were also, by definition. It fires a slightly downloaded .30-06, and was the arm of a great many MoH winners and millions of unsung heroes. In its time, General George S. Patton described it as, “The finest battle implement ever devised.”

  You can still buy Garands from the U.S. Government, delivered directly to your door, in order to exercise your rights and duties as a member of the militia. Contact the Civilian Marksmanship Program at odcmp.com All real men and women should do this.

  It gains additional points from Clint Eastwood’s use in Gran Torino, which of course you have seen. Just remember: Chuck Norris stays off Clint Eastwood’s lawn.

  1 Browning 1919A4

  There’s not much manlier than a belt-fed weapon. A great many Browning .30s are available converted to semi-auto, or a man skilled with tools can build his own sideplate and have one completely legal, paperwork free and cheaper. This monster weighs thirty-one pounds, and is a “rifle.” Of course, it’s legal to have a crank . . .

  You can also drop in conversions for 7.62 NATO and 8mm Mauser. The Brits had a .303 variant, and there’s a custom 7.62X54R variant, also. The Israelis, bless them, make a metal link that fits 8mm, .30-06 and 7.62. You can also use old cloth belts. Best of all, it’s Commiefornia legal, the Sniveling Wussbags not having found a way to define it as an “assault weapon,” which is funnier than hell when it’s one of the few weapons that might legitimately be called so.

  Being able to shoot $25 worth of ammo in six seconds means you are not afraid to waste a little ammo . . . or the next zombie outbreak or post-hurricane riot. It’s a serious investment in time, money, equipment and training, but it marks you as the neighborhood man, the one to seek protection from when mutant zombies, aliens or greeners invade.

  The Mosin Nagant

  The Official Rifle of The Hall of Manly Excellence!

  The Mosin Nagant is truly a manly piece of hardware. Let’s discuss why.

  1: First, the Poison Maggot is a time proven design. Dating from 1891, all the bugs have been worked out. This assumes there were any bugs in the first place, which there were not. No one would dare to be less than optimal for the Tsars and Commissars.

  2: It’s very simple and robust. There are very few things that can go wrong with the Noisy Nagger. There isn’t even a bolt release — the trigger serves as that. The springs are heavy gauge, the mechanism basic steel, and the stock a solid piece of wood. Remember that the Russkies and the Commies figured that the bayonet was as important as the bullet. This means:

  3: Versatility. One can argue the benefits of the spear versus the club. Guess what? The Russian Gun-Club is both! And it shoots bullets! Why compromise when you can have all three?

  4: Physical fitness. The Rosined Nag is heavy. No real man would complain about this. In fact, he boasts of it. One has to be fit to carry it, and fit to aim it without shaking like a coward. Not to worry. The recoil will reseat that loose shoulder and save you the medical bills.

  5: Economical. The Soviet Man Cannon is dirt cheap—$100-$200 in 2009 prices. You can typically buy ten to twenty of them for the price of a modern rifle, and the ammo is about half the price, and has been in production for more than a century. One sacrifices rate of fire and accuracy, but that’s offset by the fact that an entire platoon of your friends now have guns. Besides, your friends are men, so every shot counts, right? Who needs
rate of fire? And any real man can hit through force of testosterone, without bothering with sights. Just imagine your enemy is a toilet, unzip and pull the trigger . . . so to speak. Flush him straight into a grave or outhouse. Or both.

  6: General manliness. The Tula Jackhammer has no prissy “ergonomics” or “delicate triggers” or other crap. It is a brutally simple tool. If you can’t pull the trigger, then do some more grip exercises, you pansy. Don’t like the recoil? Get a recoil pad, chew a handful of Vicodin, and see your doctor for some testosterone shots. The length of pull is too short? Wear a stout Russian overcoat and stop whining. And some earplugs, since you probably don’t want to hear the rest of the Commie Chiropractor community laughing at you.

  7: History. You may wind up with a Russian or a Finn rifle built on a Russian or French receiver, a Czech, Chinese, Polish, Hungarian or even one of the rare American made models, from the Russo Japanese War, WWI, the Russian Civil War, the Spanish Civil War, WWII, the Winter War, the Continuation War, Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan... the Baltic Flamethrower has traveled the world. Be sure to check the date on the tang under the stock—it may be an antique made before 1899, which means it’s a rifle, but not legally a firearm in most English speaking nations. This just makes politicians go into a tizzy.