“We probably do. But as far as the sex thing goes, don’t worry about it. Nell knows what she’s doing. She’ll walk you through it.”
“What if I like it?”
“That’s the point.”
“Yeah, but then I’ll never want to leave my human body, and Betty said there’s a loophole where I can stay human, but I can’t find it in the handbook.”
“Tell you what,” Miracle said, “You go have sex. I’ll read your book. If there’s a loophole, I’ll find it.”
“But I don’t know if it’ll make sense to you.”
“You’d be surprised at what makes sense to me. Now, any last questions before I shove you out the door?”
“Are you sure this shirt is okay?” Zing asked.
“Hopefully, you won’t be wearing it very long.” Miracle said. She quickly shoved Zing out the door and closed it in her face.
***
Zing knocked once and the door flew open. Nell wrapped her in an embrace that almost squeezed the breath right out of Zing. “I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” Nell said.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Zing handed her a bouquet of flowers. They were enormous white dahlias. She’d gotten off the bus two blocks away from Nell’s, and made it to a flower shop just as it was closing. The florist, for reasons unknown to Zing, wouldn’t take any money from her. “They’re my gift,” the florist said.
“Thank you.”
“Does the number 856 mean anything to you?” the florist asked.
“Nope.” Only then did Zing notice that the woman was glowing. “Are you a…were you, are you, one of us?”
The florist only smiled secretively and repeated, “856. That’s a clue.” She walked into the back room before Zing could ask any more questions.
Nell accepted the flowers from Zing. She lowered her nose to the blooms and inhaled deeply. “These are gorgeous. Thank you, Zing.”
“I hoped you’d like them.”
“Come in and I’ll put them in water. I’ll add an aspirin. They look like they need one,” she said pulling off a wilting leaf.
“Why? Do they have headache?”
Nell laughed. “No, it’ll make them last longer, though.”
“Longer than a week?”
“Probably.”
“Then they’ll be here longer than me.”
Nell put her finger on Zing’s lips. “Let’s not talk about that. I want tonight to just be about us.”
“Alright. What’s for dinner?” Zing asked, changing the subject. She followed Nell into the kitchen.
“Pesto chicken with roasted red potatoes and asparagus.”
“That sounds delicious.” Zing peered into the oven. It was so dark she couldn’t see anything.
“You can open it and look,” Nell said as she pulled a crystal vase from the cupboard over the sink.
“That’s okay. I’ll wait. Then it’ll be a surprise. I may like surprises.”
“You may like them?”
Zing said, “I’ve never been surprised before. Is that a bad thing?”
“Depends on the surprise.” Nell added an aspirin to the flower’s water. “There you go,” she said to the flowers. “That will make you feel all better.” She looked at Zing and smiled sheepishly. “You probably think I’m crazy for talking to flowers.”
“Of course I don’t,” Zing said. “They can hear you, you know.”
“You think so?”
“I know so.” Zing took a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” Nell pulled out a chair at the bar for Zing to sit.
“Are you rebounding?”
Nell sat beside Zing. “Are you worried that I’m just on the rebound and not really into you?”
Zing nodded. “I read about it. It’s not a good thing.”
Nell said truthfully, “I thought about that, Zing. But Dove and I weren’t really dating. We were both pretending this online thing we had going was real, but it wasn’t. That’s why I can love you without reservation because, I know now, I didn’t really love Dove. She wasn’t real, therefore our love wasn’t real either.”
“Oh, that’s good. I’ve never been in love…” Zing stopped. There was no time like the present. “Or had sex.”
“Oh,” Nell said. She was startled into silence.
“Are we going to have sex?” Zing asked.
Nell laughed nervously. “We might. We are on a tight time schedule.”
“Are we having a speed relationship like that speed dating thing?”
“I guess you could say that.”
“Then can I kiss you already?” Zing asked, feeling more uncertain than she had in her entire life.
“I’d like that.”
Zing caressed Nell’s face. Her skin was soft. Zing leaned in and kissed Nell. She marveled at the softness and texture of Nell’s lips. Then Nell’s tongue got involved and Zing thought she’d swoon from ecstasy. Shocks of pleasure rippled up and down her spine.
Suddenly, Zing pulled away.
“What’s the matter?” Nell asked. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” Zing said, trying to catch her breath. “I just need to breathe.”
“Were you holding your breath while we were kissing?”
Zing nodded.
“You need to breathe, Zing. You can breathe while we kiss.”
“Really?”
Nell nodded.
“Can we try it again? I think I need to practice until I get it right.”
Nell’s laugh was cut short by Zing’s eager lips. After several minutes of intense kissing, Zing pulled back again. “You know, I like donuts and potato chips and cookies, but this is the most fun my mouth has ever had.”
“Kiss me again,” Nell said, grabbing Zing around the neck and pulling her close. “I want your lips on mine.”
They kissed until the oven timer went off. This time it was Nell who pulled away. She sighed and said, “We seem to live our life with time as our master.’
Nell pulled dinner from the oven and set it on a trivet on the counter. Then she set the asparagus to boil in a shallow frying pan.
She smiled coyly at Zing and said, “We have more time to kiss now.”
“I wish there were no such thing as time,” Zing said. Still sitting on the stool, she took Nell’s hand and pulled her between her legs. She eagerly kissed Nell again. After a moment, Zing’s lips began to wander. To Nell’s neck. To Nell’s ear. Her tongue lightly outlined Nell’s ear. Her warm breath sent shivers down Nell’s spine.
Nell sighed in pleasure. “You’re getting really good at this.”
“I’ve always been a fast learner.” Emboldened, Zing’s hands traveled south.
Nell pulled back. “Did you just squeeze my butt?”
“Uh-huh. It’s very nice.”
“Thank you,” Nell said, panting with desire.
“May I touch your breasts?”
Nell stepped back. “Let’s wait until after dinner for that. Or we won’t be having any dinner.”
“Yes, eating is important. We’ll need our strength.”
Nell lifted the lid on the asparagus and said, “Why don’t you set the flowers on the table and light the candles?”
“Candles? So fancy!”
Nell chuckled. “And fancy cutlery. And fancy crystal glasses for the very fancy wine.”
“You did this all for me?”
“It is your first date,” Nell said, handing her a lighter.
“Thank you for making it special. And we can play footsie under the table if you want.”
“Where’d you learn about footsie?”
“On the internet.” Zing went to the dining room. As she lit the candles she thought about sex. She wanted to have sex with Nell. Badly. Her body was tingly and her nerve endings were on fire. Now she understood what all the fuss was about.
As she lit the last candle, Nell carried two plates to the table and set them down.
“The table looks very nice,” Z
ing said, sitting down. “And the chicken smells delicious.”
“I hope you like it.”
Nell spread her napkin over her lap.
Zing did the same thing.
“I will because you made it.”
“You’re so sweet.”
“Guardian angels are supposed to be sweet. Except for my boss, Bertha. She’s not very sweet. I think bosses are just like that.” Realizing what she’d said, she amended, “Except for you. You’re a very nice boss.”
“Good save,” Nell said.
Nell cut into her chicken and took a bite.
Zing did the same thing.
The chicken was yummy. So were the potatoes and the asparagus. The wine complimented the meal perfectly. Nell had thought of everything. It made Zing feel special. And loved.
“Love makes people be their better selves,” Zing stated. She ate the last bite of chicken.
“It really does.” Nell reached out and took Zing’s hand. “Let’s clean up, and then we can sit by the fire.”
“And get romantic?”
“Yes.”
Zing washed the dishes. Nell dried. Zing kissed Nell. Nell nuzzled her neck. What with all the kissing and nuzzling, it took a long time to wash the dishes. Zing didn’t care. She wanted tonight to last forever. Unfortunately, forever was only seven nights and six more days.
After they washed and dried the dishes, Nell led Zing to the living room. She turned down all the lights so only the small fire illuminated the room. Nell took two cushions from the couch and laid them on the rug in front of the fireplace.
Nell sat down and patted the pillow next to her. Suddenly, Zing didn’t feel well.
“What’s wrong?” Nell asked.
“I’m scared,” Zing said. “I’m scared I won’t be very good at this and you won’t want to be around me anymore.”
“First, that won’t happen. And secondly, let’s just cuddle and relax. There’s no pressure to do anything, okay?”
Zing nodded and sat on the offered pillow. She felt stiff and awkward. The sexiness she had felt earlier had vanished. Fear was not an aphrodisiac.
“Sex with the person you love is natural, Zing. It’s instinctual. There aren’t any rights or wrongs.”
“Miracle pretty much said the same thing when I told her I had never had sex and I was one thousand and four years old.”
Nell sat up and stared at her. “You’re a 1,004-year-old virgin?”
“Uh, yes.” Zing shrugged. “Is that weird?”
“Now I have performance anxiety.” Nell lay back on the Persian rug and stared at the ceiling. “Whoa.”
“Are you okay?” Zing asked.
“I’m the one who’s scared now.”
Zing thought about what Miracle would do in this situation. Fear never stopped Miracle from doing anything. Miracle would say, “Get up on that horse, Zing. Don’t be scared. Nothing good ever came from being too scared to do something.”
Zing knew Miracle was right. So she took a deep breath and climbed up on the metaphorical horse. She straddled Nell’s stomach, and took Nell’s hands and placed them on her breasts. “I want us to make love.”
Nell agreed.
Time really did stand still. Or at least it felt like it. Three hours passed in the space of what felt like mere minutes. There was a trail of clothes from the living room to Nell’s bed where the two women lay on top of the twisted sheets, naked and sated. Their limbs were intertwined so that it was hard to tell what leg, what arm, what body part, belonged to whom.
Zing was smiling in her sleep. Now she understood. She finally understood why poets wrote poetry, why musicians composed songs, and why lesfic authors wrote love stories.
Chapter Thirteen
“What the hell have you done?” Carol said the next morning at the bakery. It was the same thing she’d said the day before only this time she was pointing at Zing’s pants.
Zing was wearing a pair of Nell’s pants, which were two inches short on Zing’s tall frame. The reason Zing was wearing Nell’s pants was because her pants had caught on the ceiling fan in Nell’s bedroom and one of the legs had ripped off. That’s what happens when you’re in the throes of ecstasy and so excited to get your pants off that you throw them up in the air.
“Long story,” Zing said. She didn’t think Carol would empathize with her about the dangers of ceiling fans.
Carol glared at Nell who was busy mixing the batter for the bear claws. Nell felt Carol’s eyes and stared her down. “Carol wants to know if you spent the night with me. And yes, Zing spent the night—in my bed. Without her pants.” Nell wiped her hands on her apron and left the kitchen.
Zing was about to follow Nell out when Carol grabbed her by the collar and pressed her up against the large stainless steel industrial fridge. Zing gasped.
“Are you crazy?” Carol growled.
“No. You have to pass a psych evaluation to be a guardian angel,” Zing squeaked.
“That’s the problem. Nell just broke it off with a lying creep and now you’ve made her fall in love with you—the crazy guardian angel.”
Nell appeared back in the kitchen. She tugged on Carol’s sleeve and demanded, “Let her go, Carol. Right this minute.”
Carol reluctantly freed Zing from her grasp.
“I think she might have anger management issues,” Zing said, straightening her shirt.
“Only when it comes to my heart,” Nell said.
Carol banged her own head on the stainless steel industrial fridge, muttering, “I can’t believe this is happening again.”
“It’s not, Carol. This time it’s real love,” Nell said. She pulled Carol away from the door. Carol had a big red blotch on her forehead.
“You call falling in love with a guardian angel real?” Carol said. “For all we know, she’s a figment of our imagination. Or a figment of her own imagination. Or some kind of figment.”
“I take offence at that,” Zing said.
“Shut up. This doesn’t involve you,” Carol said.
“I beg to differ,” Zing countered.
“Zing’s right. We’re in love, and I know she’s leaving, but I wouldn’t change a thing. For once in my life, I’m in bona fide love,” Nell said.
“I can’t believe this! You’re both insane!” Carol threw her arms up in the air and stormed out, slamming the back door behind her.
“Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll be back,” Nell said, not sounding so sure.
***
“Carol’s really mad,” Zing said. It was afternoon and she was sitting on Miracle’s couch, eating a pint of ice cream, her spoon scraping the sides of the carton. She was doing what Miracle called “chocolate therapy.”
Miracle was sitting next to Zing on the couch. “You can’t plan love. It just happens. Nell knows she doesn’t have you forever, but she’s willing to love the moments she does have. With you, she’s experiencing what it feels like to love a person with her whole heart, mind, and soul. Some people wait a lifetime for that,” Miracle said. “If they’re lucky.”
“You’re very wise,” Zing said.
“No, I read just Lifehack.org every day.” Miracle spooned up the last of her ice cream then said, “I’ve been looking at page 856 like you told me the florist said. There’s one thing I don’t understand.”
Zing went to the kitchen and opened the freezer door. She had a craving for Chunky Monkey ice cream. She’d be gone in six days—what did it matter if she had a spare love tire? “I’m getting more ice cream. You want more?” Zing called out.
“If you’re looking for the Chunky Monkey, I ate it last night. I was so nervous for you that I did empathy eating. I was so glad Carol had her Butches for Bingo board meeting. Or I would’ve had to tell her about you and Nell. I can’t lie to her.”
“Because you don’t lie to the one you love,” Zing said.
“Right. If she’d asked me if you were with Nell…well, she would have put the kibosh on coitus.”
&nbs
p; “What?” Zing asked. She’d heard of Stratford-upon-Avon, but never kibosh-on-coitus. She pulled out a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ‘Everything But The. . .’ She’d never tried that particular flavor. Miracle had told her that it was a taste explosion.
“It means you would’ve been dragged out of Nell’s bedroom by Carol with or without your clothes,” Miracle said.
“That would have been awful. We were having such a good time without our clothes.” Zing took a bite of the ice cream and her taste buds nearly fainted. Was it possible for a tongue to have an orgasm? If so, hers just had.
“As I was saying, I did a little reading of your handbook last night,” Miracle said. “And I’ve been thinking about the florist saying 856. Want to know what I figured out?”
“Of course!” Zing sat back down on the couch and looked eagerly at Miracle.
“Well, the florist didn’t say look at page 856. She just said the number 856 is a clue, right?”
Zing nodded.
“Well, 856 when added together comes to 19. I read page 19 of your handbook and didn’t find anything except some weird story about how angel hair pasta got its name. So, I transposed the numbers to 91. Page 91 didn’t have any clues, so I looked at footnote 91. That footnote guides you to the index that takes you to the page that details exceptions to the rules, which in turn takes you to section 85.6 which says in order to retain your current status as a human being you must commit an act of selfless love.”
“What? You lost me at 19.”
“Forget all that,” Miracle said. “Here’s the important part: You must commit an act of selfless love. Then you can be human forever.”
“It said that on page 856?”
Miracle shook her head. “No. Page 856 said that you should not walk through a Zen garden and jump off the rocks if you don’t want to get smacked with a rake. What on earth that has to do with anything, I have no idea.”
“Oh. I did that once. It hurts.”
“Back to the act of selfless love. . . don’t guardian angels practice that anyway? You all save your humans if their activity leads to an untimed death, right?”
“Yes.” Zing polished off the pint of ice cream.
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