Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “That you should be so amazed! Personally I thought that, so far from being amazed, you knew exactly everything that was going on.”

  “Knew! Me? But I assure you, Natalya Nikolayevna, I saw him only for a minute today, and I questioned no one about him. And it strikes me as odd that you appear to disbelieve me,” he continued, looking both of us up and down.

  “Good Heavens, no,” Natasha interposed, “I’m perfectly convinced you’re telling the truth.”

  And she laughed again, full in his face, which made him draw back.

  “Explain yourself,” he said in confusion.

  “There’s nothing to explain. I speak very plainly. Surely you know how flighty and forgetful he is. Well, now he’s been given completely free rein, he’s got carried away.”

  “But one oughtn’t to get carried away to such an extent; there’s something else behind all this, and as soon as he arrives I’ll insist he gives a full explanation. But what surprises me most of all is that you appear to accuse me too of something, whereas I wasn’t even here. Be that as it may, Natalya Nikolayevna, I can see you’re very angry with him – and I can well understand that! You’ve every right to be, and… and… it goes without saying, I’m the first to blame, well, if only because I was the first to turn up. Am I not right?” he continued, turning to me with an irritated smile.

  Natasha flared up.

  “I beg your pardon, Natalya Nikolayevna,” he continued with dignity, “granted I am to blame, but only in that I left the day after I made your acquaintance, so what with you being so sensitive – a trait I can’t help noticing in your character – you’ve already managed to change your opinion of me, the more so since circumstances have rather given you grounds for this. Had I not gone away though, you’d have got to know me better, and under my supervision Alyosha would not have been so scatterbrained. Tonight you will hear what I have to say to him.”

  “You mean you will ensure that he starts getting tired of me. I just cannot see how, being as clever as you are, you can imagine that such a course of action would be of any help to me.”

  “Are you insinuating that I’m deliberately attempting to put him off you? You are doing me an injustice, Natalya Nikolayevna.”

  “I’m not in the habit of insinuating anything, whoever I’m talking to,” Natasha replied. “On the contrary, I always try to be as plain as possible, as you may yet discover before the night is out. As for doing you an injustice, that was never my intention, nor could it have been, if only because you’re not likely to be offended by whatever I say. I’m perfectly convinced of that, because I’m only too aware of how things stand between us, and I can’t believe you’re prepared to take our relationship seriously, are you? But if I really have offended you, I’m quite ready to ask your pardon, in order to satisfy the demands of… hospitality.”

  In spite of the light-hearted and even jocular tone with which Natasha said all this, smiling as she did, I had never before seen her so agitated. Only now did I become aware of what she must have been going through these past three days. Her mysterious declaration that she knew everything and had worked it all out frightened me; it implicated the Prince directly. She had changed her mind about him, and regarded him as her enemy; that much was plain. She apparently attributed to his influence all her troubles with Alyosha, and perhaps she had some grounds for this. I was afraid there would be a sudden scene between them. Her jocular tone was too transparent, too overt. Her concluding remark that he could not take their relationship seriously, that she was seeking pardon in accordance with the demands of hospitality, and her promise, couched as a threat to prove to him there and then that she was capable of speaking plainly – all that was so trenchant and unambiguous that it was impossible to suppose the Prince would not have understood the full import of it all. I noticed the change of expression in his face, but he knew how to control himself. He immediately pretended that he hadn’t noticed these words, hadn’t understood their full significance and, as was to be expected, took refuge in banter.

  “God forbid I should demand an apology!” he responded with a laugh. “That’s not at all what I’m about – anyway it’s against my principles to expect apologies from a lady. You will recall that at our first meeting I tried to warn you about my character, and so I trust you will not take offence at an observation, the more so since it refers to women in general. You too will probably agree with it,” he continued, turning politely towards me. “Namely, I have noticed a trait in the female character: if for example a woman is guilty of something, she would much rather make amends later with a thousand different expressions of tenderness than fully admit to her guilt and ask for forgiveness when caught red-handed. And so, on the assumption that you’ve done me an injustice, I shall deliberately not ask for your apology now, at this precise moment. It would afford me greater satisfaction later, after you’ve recognized your guilt, to observe you making amends… with a thousand different expressions of tenderness. And you’re so good, so pure, so unspoilt, so open that I anticipate the act of your apology would be a true delight. But rather than talk of apologies, why don’t you tell me now if there is any way in which I could prove to you tonight that I’m treating you much more candidly and fairly than you imagine?”

  Natasha blushed. It struck me too that there was a note of frivolity, even insouciance, a kind of indiscreet pleasantry in the Prince’s reply.

  “You’d like to prove to me that you’re candid and open with me?” Natasha asked, looking at the Prince provocatively.

  “Yes.”

  “In that case, will you do as I ask you?”

  “You have my word unconditionally.”

  “It is this: Alyosha is not to be troubled on my account in any way whatsoever, either tonight or tomorrow. Not a single reproach that he had neglected me, not a single word of reproof. When I see him, I particularly want it to look as though nothing had happened between us. He mustn’t suspect a thing. That’s how I want it. Will you give me your word?”

  “With the greatest of pleasure,” the Prince replied, “and allow me to add in all sincerity that I have seldom encountered a wiser and more level-headed attitude in such matters… But here we are, I believe this is Alyosha.”

  True enough, there was some stir in the passage. Natasha started and seemed to brace herself for something. The Prince sat with a serious expression on his face to see what would follow; he was watching Natasha closely. The door opened, and Alyosha burst in.

  2

  Burst in would be the only way to describe it. His face was radiant, cheerful and exhilarated. It was evident that he had had a happy and joyous time of it these past four days. It was as good as written on his face that he wished to communicate something to us.

  “Here I am!” he announced for all to hear. “The one who ought to have been here before everybody else! But now you’ll find out everything, everything, everything! We hardly had time to exchange two words when we met the other time, Papa, but I had so much to tell you. It’s only when he’s in a good mood that he allows me to be so informal,” he broke off, turning to me, “honest to God, at other times he just won’t have it. His tactic is to be formal with me. But from this day on I want everything to be good between us, and I’ll make sure it is! Incidentally, I’ve become a different man these past four days, completely and utterly different, and you’ll hear all about it. However, of that later. But the main thing now, look – there she is! There! Again! Natasha, my darling, hello, you angel !” he said, taking a seat next to her and rapturously kissing her hand. “I missed you so much these past days! But that’s the way it goes – it couldn’t be helped! I just couldn’t fit it all in. My sweet one! Am I mistaken that you look thinner? There, how pale you are…”

  He was ecstatically covering her hands in kisses, looking at her rapturously with his magnificent eyes, as though he could never have his fill. I glanced at Natasha and by her face guessed
we were both thinking the same thing – he was quite innocent. Indeed when and how could this innocent one have become blameworthy? A bright colour suddenly suffused Natasha’s pale cheeks as though all the blood in her heart now rushed to her head. Her eyes sparkled, and she glanced defiantly at the Prince.

  “But where… have you been… all these days!” she said in a controlled, but faltering voice. Her breathing was heavy and uneven. My God, how she loved him!

  “There’s no getting away from it, it does look as though I am guilty before you. I beg your pardon, there can be no as though about it! I am guilty, and I know it. Indeed I have come in the full knowledge of it. Katya’s been telling me since yesterday that no woman could put up with such slackness. (She’s au fait with everything, all that happened here on Tuesday. I told her the day after.) I argued with her, I kept explaining to her, tried to make her see that the woman in question is called Natasha and that there is perhaps only one other in the whole world who’s her equal, namely Katya – and I came here of course in the full knowledge that I had won the argument. Could an angel like you possibly fail to forgive! ‘He wasn’t here, then it stands to reason something must have detained him, rather than that he’s fallen out of love,’ that’s how my Natasha would reason! As if anyone could stop loving you? It’s inconceivable! I missed you more than anything in the world. But all the same I’m guilty! Mind you, after I’ve told you everything you’ll be the first to exonerate me! You’ll all hear the full story directly, I’ve got to pour my heart out to you – that’s why I’m here. I thought of popping in during the day (I happened to have half a moment to spare), to kiss you in mid-flight as it were, but that wasn’t to be – Katya immediately lined up something vitally important for me. That was before you saw me sitting in the carriage, Papa. This, though, was on a different occasion when I was due to call on Katya in answer to another note of hers. It’s got to the stage when messengers never stop delivering notes between our houses. Ivan Petrovich, I only managed to read your note late in the night last night, and of course you’re perfectly right in everything you wrote. But what was to be done – it was a physical impossibility! So I thought, ‘Come tomorrow night I’ll make a clean breast of it,’ because let’s face it, I couldn’t possibly have not come to see you tonight, could I, Natasha?”

  “What note was that?” Natasha asked.

  “He dropped in on me and found me out, as they say, so of course he left me a letter giving me a piece of his mind for not coming to see you. And he was perfectly right. That was yesterday.”

  Natasha looked at me.

  “But if you had the time to go calling on Katerina Fyodorovna from morning till night—” the Prince ventured to interject.

  “I know, I know what you’re going to say,” Alyosha interrupted him, “‘If you could go to see Katya, you had twice as many reasons for being here.’ I couldn’t agree with you more and shall go even further: not twice, a million more reasons! But first, don’t you know there are some strange, unexpected twists in life that upset the lot and turn everything topsy-turvy? Well, that’s exactly what happened to me. I did say I had changed totally these past few days, and I meant it – totally, to my very finger tips. It stands to reason therefore that something must have led up to it!”

  “Oh my God, what on earth happened to you! The suspense is killing us, please!” Natasha exclaimed, smiling at Alyosha’s agitation.

  There was no denying it, he did look a little ridiculous; he was excited; words were simply gushing out of him in a torrent, often in disarray, pell-mell. He had an urge to keep talking with no let-up. But as he spoke, he wouldn’t let go of Natasha’s hand and kept lifting it to his lips as though unable to have his fill of kissing it.

  “You may well ask, what happened to me,” Alyosha continued. “Oh, you dear people! What did I see, what did I do, whom did I meet? First, Katya – she’s perfection itself! I really and truly didn’t know her until now! And even on Tuesday, when I spoke to you about her – Natasha, do you remember? – I was so taken by her. Well, even then I scarcely knew her. She herself has been shying away from me till the present. But now we really have got to know each other. We’re the best of friends. But I’ll begin at the beginning. First, Natasha, if only you could have heard what she had to tell me about you after she heard from me the following day, Wednesday, what happened between us here… Incidentally, it comes back to me, what a silly ass you must have thought me, when I called on you Wednesday morning! You welcome me with such enthusiasm. You are so taken by the new arrangement between us, you want to speak to me about all this. You are moody and at the same time impish and playful with me, whereas I, I am so stuck-up! Oh, what a fool! What a fool! Honest to God, I wanted to show off, cut a dash in front of you as a husband-to-be, a respectable gentleman, and yet, the very thought of bragging in front of you, you – of all people! Oh, how you must have laughed at me at the time and how pathetic I must have appeared in your eyes!”

  The Prince did not say a word and regarded Alyosha with a kind of a mock-serious, triumphant smile. It was as though he were pleased that his son appeared to be making a fool of himself. I watched him closely the whole evening and became absolutely convinced that he did not love his son at all, even though people spoke of his all too ardent paternal love.

  “After I left you, I went to see Katya,” Alyosha rattled on. “I already said it was only this morning that we got to know each other totally, and it’s simply marvellous how it all came about… I can scarcely account for it now… A couple of warm words, a couple of emotional exchanges, of thoughts expressed unreservedly, and we – were joined for ever. You must, you simply must get to know her, Natasha! The way she described you, the way she reasoned about you to me! The way she explained to me what a treasure you were for me! Little by little she explained to me all her ideas and outlook on life. She’s such a serious, such a spirited girl! She spoke of our duty, of our mission in life, that we must serve mankind and, seeing that we had reached total agreement in a mere five or six hours of talking, we ended by vowing eternal friendship and that all our life long we’d act as one!”

  “Act in what?” the Prince enquired in surprise.

  “I’ve changed so much, Father, that all this must of course come as a surprise to you. In fact I can anticipate all your objections in advance,” Alyosha replied with solemnity. “You are all intensely practical people, you have so many tried-and-tested rules, strict and inflexible. Everything that’s new, young, fresh you regard with suspicion, resentment, scorn. But now I’m no longer the one you knew a few days ago. I am different! I can face unflinchingly everything and everyone in the world. If I know that my conviction is justified, I shall follow it through to its uttermost limit, and if I manage to keep to the straight and narrow, it means I’m an honest person. That just about covers it. You can say what you like now, I have the strength of my convictions.”

  “Ho! Ho! Ho!” the Prince exclaimed sardonically.

  Natasha looked at us in alarm. She was concerned for Alyosha. He often tended to get carried away to his own disadvantage in conversation, and she knew this. She didn’t want him to appear ridiculous before us, especially before his father.

  “Come, come Alyosha! This smells of some kind of philosophy,” she said. “You must have picked it up from someone… why don’t you just carry on with your own story?”

  “But I am going to!” Alyosha exclaimed. “You see, Katya’s got these two distant relatives, cousins of some sort, Levenka and Borenka; one’s a student, and the other’s just a young man. She keeps in with them, and what a pair they are! They hardly ever visit the Countess, on principle. When Katya and I were talking about man’s destiny, his vocation and all that, she mentioned them to me and immediately wrote me a note for them. I dashed off at once to introduce myself to them. That same night we got on like a house on fire. There were about a dozen people of all types present: students, officers, artists – there
was a writer… they all know you, Ivan Petrovich, that is to say they’ve read your books and expect a great deal from you in the future. That’s what they themselves said to me. I told them I knew you, and promised to introduce you to them. They all greeted me with open arms and gave me a warm reception. I made a point of telling them straight away that I’m soon to be a married man, and that’s just how they came to regard me – as a married man. In the main they live on the top floors of houses, right under the eaves. They all meet as often as they can, but usually on Wednesdays at Levenka’s and Borenka’s. They’re a young idealistic bunch, all ardent philanthropists. We talked about our present, our future, about science, literature – it was all so to the point, so down-to-earth, so matter of fact… There’s a high-school student who comes too. How well they get on with one another, how cultured they are! I’ve never seen anything the like before! Where have I been up till now? What have I seen? What have I been brought up on? You’re the only one, Natasha, who has ever spoken of anything of the sort to me. Oh, Natasha, you definitely must get to know them. Katya already has. They almost worship her, and Katya has already told Levenka and Borenka that when she comes of age and takes charge of her inheritance, she’ll immediately donate a million roubles to charity.”

  “And the trustees of this million will no doubt be Levenka and Borenka and their merry men?” the Prince asked.

  “That’s not true, not true! Shame on you, Father, for saying such a thing!” Alyosha exclaimed with fervour. “I suspect I know what you’re thinking! As for this million, we really did discuss at length how best to spend it. In the end we decided it should first and foremost go on public education…”

  “Yes, I must confess, I didn’t really know my Katerina Fyodorovna that well up till now,” the Prince observed, as though to himself, still smiling ironically. “As a matter of fact I expected a great deal from her, but this—”