Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “But this what!” Alyosha interrupted. “Why are you so surprised? That this is a little unconventional for you? That no one’s so far given a million, whereas she will? Is that it? But what if she doesn’t want to live at other people’s expense? Because to live off these millions would mean to live at other people’s expense (this only came home to me recently). She wants to be of service to her country and her people and contribute her mite to the general good of the community. We read of this mite in our copybooks, did we not? But now that this mite smacks of a million – oh no, that won’t do! And what does all this much vaunted ethic that I believed in so amount to? Why are you looking at me like that, Father? As though you see before you a clown, a fool! All right, a fool, what of it? Natasha, if only you’d heard what Katya had to say about this. ‘It’s not intelligence that counts, but the things that guide it: character, heart, noble aspirations, progress.’ But the main thing is, we’ve Bezmygin’s immortal words on this. Bezmygin’s a friend of Levenka’s and Borenka’s and, you might as well know, he’s got his head screwed on, a man of genius, really! Only yesterday he came out with, ‘A fool who’s admitted he’s a fool is a fool no more!’ What do you say to that! He’s full of pronouncements like that. They come thick and fast from him.”

  “Every inch a genius!” the Prince observed.

  “All you can do is mock! But I’ve never heard anything of the sort from you, nor from anyone of your circle. On the contrary, you all seem to keep things under your hat, try to sweep them under the carpet; everyone’s to be cut down to size, brought down to one level, all noses to be regulation shape and length – as though that were possible! As though that weren’t a thousand times less natural than what we talk about and ponder over. And they still call us Utopians! You should have heard what they had to say to me yesterday…”

  “So what do you talk about and ponder over?” Natasha asked. “Tell us, Alyosha. I for one still can’t quite make it out.”

  “In essence about everything that leads to progress, to humanity, to love – all this is discussed with reference to contemporary issues. We talk about freedom of speech, about the forthcoming reforms, about love for humanity, about present-day public figures – we analyse them, we read them. But the main thing is, we’ve promised to be perfectly frank between ourselves and to say everything about ourselves to one another without any embarrassment. Only frankness, only forthrightness can lead us to our goal. Bezmygin of all people has been particularly insistent on this. I told Katya about it, and she’s completely at one with Bezmygin. And that’s why we all, led by Bezmygin, have promised to act justly and forthrightly all our life long and – whatever others may say of us, however they may judge us – not to be flustered by anything, not to be ashamed of our enthusiasm, our fancies, our errors, but to press ahead regardless. If you want people to respect you, first and foremost respect your own self! Only in that way, only through self-respect will you oblige others to respect you. This is what Bezmygin says, and Katya agrees with him fully. As a matter of fact we’re trying to reach some common ground in our convictions and have embarked upon individual self-appraisal, while at the same time meeting in group sessions to discuss and analyse one another with one another… to one… another…”

  “Fiddlesticks!” the Prince exclaimed, disturbed. “And who’s this Bezmygin anyway? No, I can’t let this rest…”

  “What can’t you let rest?” Alyosha intervened. “Listen, Father, why am I saying all this in front of you? Because I’m hoping against hope to introduce you too to our circle. I’ve already given my word for you. You’re laughing, well, I knew you would! But hear me out! You’re kind and you’re a gentleman, and you will understand. After all, you’ve never seen these people, you’ve never heard them in person. All right, let’s assume you’ve heard all this, you’ve investigated everything, you’re awfully clever – but you haven’t seen them in person, you’ve never mixed with them, and therefore how can you possibly judge fairly! You only imagine you can. No, you rub shoulders with them for a while, listen to what they have to say, and then, then – I vouch for it – you’ll be one of us! But the main thing is, I’d like to devote all my energy to saving you from rack and ruin within your own circle to which you’ve become so attached, and from your own convictions.”

  The Prince listened to this outburst with the most sarcastic smile on his face; anger was written all over it. Natasha regarded him with the most unfeigned revulsion. He saw it, but pretended not to be aware of it. But no sooner had Alyosha finished, than the Prince suddenly burst out laughing. He even fell back in his chair as though unable to contain himself. But the laughter was completely forced. It was all too evident that he laughed merely in order to insult and demean his son as much as possible. Alyosha really did take offence; he looked unutterably dejected. But he waited patiently till his father’s mirth had subsided.

  “Father,” he began despondently, “why are you mocking me? I came to you with an open mind and in all sincerity. If in your opinion I’m not talking sense why, instead of laughing at me, don’t you teach me to know better? And what is there to laugh at? The things I now hold holy and inviolate? Very well, so I am in error and everything I look up to is mistaken and false, and I’m just a silly fool, as you’ve pointed out to me many a time. But even if I am in error, it’s not for lack of sincerity and openness. I’ve not lost my dignity. I’m sustained by exalted ideas. Let them be erroneous, but they are rooted in hallowed ground. I’ve already told you that you and your ilk have not revealed to me anything yet that would have guided me and induced me to follow you. Refute them, tell me something that would put them into the shade, and I’ll follow you, but do not laugh at me, because that makes me very bitter.”

  Alyosha pronounced this with extreme dignity and steadfast composure. Natasha observed him compassionately. The Prince heard his son out with some surprise and changed his tone immediately.

  “I had no intention whatever of offending you, my boy,” he replied, “on the contrary, I sympathize with you. You are about to take a step in your life that will oblige you to stop being such a frivolous child. That’s all that was on my mind. I laughed quite involuntarily and had no intention of offending you.”

  “Why then did I get that impression?” Alyosha continued with a note of bitterness. “Why is it I’ve felt for a long time that you regard me with a jaundiced eye and cold disdain, quite unlike the way a father should view his son? Why is it I feel that, had I been you, I wouldn’t have dared to ridicule my son quite so offensively as you’re ridiculing me now? Listen, why don’t we explain ourselves openly, now, once and for all, to prevent all further misunderstandings? And… to be perfectly honest, when I came in, it struck me that here too there’d been some kind of a misunderstanding – it wasn’t quite how I expected to find you all here together. Yes or no? If yes, wouldn’t it be better if each one of us came out into the open? Honesty’s the best policy!”

  “Go on, keep talking, Alyosha!” the Prince said. “What you’re sug­gesting, is very wise. Perhaps that’s what we ought to have done in the first place,” he added, glancing at Natasha.

  “Please don’t take my candour in bad part,” Alyosha began, “you wanted it, you sought it. Listen to me. You agreed to my marriage with Natasha. You gave us this happiness and in doing so you went against your own nature. You were magnanimous, and we all appreciate your noble gesture. So why do you now appear to take some kind of delight in constantly suggesting to me that I’m still only a ridiculous child and quite unfit to be a husband. And as if that wasn’t enough, you appear to want to ridicule, demean, even to denigrate me in Natasha’s eyes. You’re always only too happy to present me in a ridiculous light. I’ve noticed this not just now but a long time ago. It’s as though you were for some reason deliberately trying to prove to us that our marriage is laughable and grotesque, and that we’re not suited to each other. Indeed, it seems as though you yourself have no faith in
what you’re advocating for us, as though you regarded everything as a joke, an amusing episode, some kind of a light-hearted pantomime… You must remember it’s not just from what you said today that I deduce this. It was that same Tuesday night after I went straight back to you from here that I heard you make a few strange remarks which not only astonished but even upset me. And on Wednesday too when you were leaving, you made a couple of observations on our present situation which weren’t exactly offensive, on the contrary, but somehow not quite what I’d have expected from you – you were somehow too off hand, lacking in affection, in respect for her… It’s difficult to put into words, but the tone was clear, my heart sank. Tell me that I’m wrong. Disabuse me, cheer me up and… and her too, because you upset her too. I knew it from the first glance, the moment I came into the room…”

  Alyosha spoke firmly and with ardour. Natasha listened to him in a kind of exultation and, deeply agitated and her cheeks blazing, spoke a couple of times to herself in the course of his speech, “Yes, yes, that’s right!” The Prince was nonplussed.

  “My dear boy,” he replied, “I can’t of course recall everything I said to you, but it is very strange you should have interpreted my words in this manner. I’m ready to disabuse you in any way I can. If I laughed just now, that too can be explained. Let me tell you this, my laughter was in fact meant to mask my bitter emotions. When I reflect that you soon intend to become a husband, it strikes me now as being totally unrealizable, inept and, pardon me, even ridiculous. You object to my laughing, but I say it’s all because of you. Mea culpa too, perhaps I haven’t been keeping a close enough eye on you lately, with the result that it wasn’t until tonight that I discovered what you’re capable of. Now I shudder to think what your future with Natalya Nikolayevna will be like. I was overhasty. I can see you two are quite incompatible. All love passes, but incompatibility stays for good. Never mind what happens to you, but if your intentions are honourable, have you not considered that you’ll be the ruin of Natalya Nikolayevna too – completely and utterly? There you were holding forth for a whole hour on love for humanity, on lofty sentiments, on the nobility of people whom you had met, but ask Ivan Petrovich what I said to him a little while ago as we were making our way up this abominable staircase to the third floor and stopped at the door, thanking God for the safety of our life and limb. Have you any idea what flashed through my mind then? I was astonished that you could, with all your love for Natalya Nikolayevna, put up with her living in such a place? How is it it hadn’t occurred to you that if you haven’t the means, that if you’re not equipped to carry out your obligations, you’ve no right to be a husband, no right to take upon yourself any commitments? Love alone is not enough, love is attested by deeds. Whereas your argument runs, ‘I may be hard to live with, but you’ll have to grin and bear it!’ Surely that’s cruel and unfair! To talk of all-pervading love, to be enthused by lofty humanitarian principles and at the same time to commit crimes against love and not be aware it – is beyond me! Don’t interrupt me, Natalya Nikolayevna, let me finish. I feel altogether too bitter and I must have my say. You said, Alyosha, that these past days you marvelled at everything that’s noble, exalted, equitable, and reproached me that in my circle there are no such sentiments, only arid rationality. Just consider – to dedicate yourself to the lofty and the sublime, and then, after what happened here on Tuesday, to go and neglect for four days the one who ought to have been dearer to you than anyone else in the world! You even confessed to telling Katerina Fyodorovna that Natalya Nikolayevna loves you so much, that she is so magnanimous she’ll pardon your misdemeanour. But what right have you to expect such a pardon and wager on it? And has it really never occurred to you how many bitter thoughts, how much doubt and suspicion you sowed in Natalya Nikolayevna’s mind during these days? Did you really suppose that just because you became infatuated there with some novel ideas you had the right to neglect your foremost obligation? Forgive me, Natalya Nikolayevna, that I’ve gone back on my word. But the present matter is far more important than any word of mine – I’m sure you’ll appreciate that… Do you realize, Alyosha, that I found Natalya Nikolayevna in the throes of such suffering that one can hardly guess what hell you made her life these past four days, which by rights should have been the happiest in her life. Such are your deeds on the one hand, and words, words, words on the other… don’t you think I’m right? And after all this, how can you blame me when it’s your own fault through and through?”

  The Prince stopped. He had got carried away by his eloquence and could not conceal his triumph from us. When Alyosha heard about Natasha’s suffering, he glanced at her in anguish. But Natasha was already fully resolved.

  “That’ll do, don’t worry, Alyosha,” she said, “others are more to blame than you are. Sit down and listen to what I now have to say to your father. It’s time to put an end to this!”

  “Explain yourself, Natalya Nikolayevna,” the Prince responded, “I beg you in all earnestness! I’ve been listening to allegations to this effect for two hours now. This is becoming unbearable, and I must admit it’s not the kind of reception I was expecting.”

  “Perhaps, because you were hoping to charm us with words so that we wouldn’t even notice your ulterior motives. What is there to explain to you? You yourself know everything and understand everything. Alyosha’s right. Your first and foremost wish is – to separate us. You knew in advance almost exactly what would happen here after that Tuesday night and had it all worked out. I already said you do not regard me or our betrothal, which you initiated, at all seriously. This is all a joke for you. You’re playing a game and working to a plan. Your gamble will pay off. Alyosha was right to reproach you for regarding all this as a pantomime. Rather than reprimand him, you ought to be delighted, because without realizing it, he has done everything you wanted him to do, perhaps even more.”

  I was flabbergasted. I had rather expected some kind of a catastrophe to happen that evening. But Natasha’s all too blunt honesty, and the undisguised contemptuous ring of her words, left me speechless. It would appear she really was privy to something, I thought, and had irrevocably decided on a clean break. Perhaps she’d even been looking forward to seeing the Prince just in order to tell him everything to his face. The Prince went a little pale. Alyosha’s face depicted naive fear and pained expectation.

  “Do you realize what you’ve just accused me of just now?” the Prince exclaimed. “And have the goodness to consider a little what you’re saying… I don’t understand a thing.”

  “Ah! So you want me to spell it out to you?” Natasha said. “Even he, even Alyosha interpreted what you said, exactly like I did, and we didn’t confer, we hadn’t even seen each other! And it seemed to him too that you’re playing a game of cat and mouse with us, but he loves you and believes in you as though you were a god. You didn’t think it necessary to be more cautious or cunning with him. You banked on his not understanding. But he has a sensitive, tender, impressionable heart, and your words, your tone, as he put it, have left a lasting impression in his heart…”

  “I understand nothing, nothing at all!” the Prince repeated, turning to me with a look of profound astonishment, as though appealing to me as a witness. He was irritated and flustered. “You’re paranoid, you’re in a panic,” he continued, addressing her, “to put it bluntly, you’re simply jealous of Katerina Fyodorovna and are therefore ready to accuse the whole world and above all me, and… allow me in that case to be perfectly blunt with you – one gets a strange impression of your character… I’m not used to such scenes. I wouldn’t consider staying here a minute longer had it not been for my son’s interests… I’m still waiting in case you deign to explain yourself.”

  “So in your stubbornness you will insist that I dot the i’s despite the fact that everything’s as plain as a pikestaff to you? You definitely want me to spell things out to you, do you?”

  “That’s precisely what I want.”


  “All right then, listen!” exclaimed Natasha, her eyes flashing with rage. “I’ll tell you everything, absolutely everything!”

  3

  Too excited to notice it, she rose to her feet and began to speak. The Prince listened for a good while, then he too got up. The whole scene was beginning to get rather melodramatic.

  “Cast your mind back to Tuesday?” Natasha began. You said you needed money, a life of ease, social standing – do you recall?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, in order to get this money, in order to secure all the advantages which were already beginning to slip through your fingers, you came here on Tuesday and contrived this betrothal, hoping that this ruse would help you to cling on to what was still left.”

  “Natasha,” I exclaimed, “think what you’re saying!”

  “Ruse! Contrived!” The Prince repeated with a show of wounded dignity.

  Alyosha sat overwhelmed with grief and looked on, hardly under­standing a thing.

  “No, no, don’t stop me, I vowed I’d say everything,” Natasha con­tinued in her excitement. “You remember, Alyosha wouldn’t listen to you. For six months you worked on him to try to get his mind off me. He wouldn’t be swayed by you. And suddenly the time came when you just couldn’t afford to wait any longer. If you failed to grasp the opportunity, the bride and the money – above all, the money, a dowry of a round three million roubles – would slip through your fingers. There was only one solution – Alyosha just had to fall in love with the girl you had chosen for him. You thought, if he fell in love with her, he might let go of me…”

  “Natasha, Natasha!” Alyosha exclaimed in distress. “What are you saying!”

  “That’s exactly what you did,” she continued, ignoring Alyosha’s exclamation, “but – here again the same old story! Everything would have been fine, except that I was in the way again! There was only one hope. Being as worldly-wise and shrewd as you are, it might not have escaped you some while back that Alyosha appeared to be tiring of his former attachment. You couldn’t have failed to notice that he was beginning to neglect me, to get bored, to fail to come to see me for days on end. Wouldn’t it be nice, you thought, if he got completely fed up and dropped me altogether, but his decisive stand on Tuesday caught you completely unawares. What were you to do?”