Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “Just a moment,” the Prince exclaimed, “quite the contrary, in fact—”

  “I said,” Natasha interrupted him firmly, “you asked yourself that evening, ‘What’s to be done?’ and decided to pretend to go along with the idea of us getting married, just to keep him quiet. The wedding itself, you thought, could be put off indefinitely. In the meantime the new love was already beckoning. You noticed it. It was on this burgeoning love that you staked everything.”

  “Romances, romances,” the Prince said in a subdued voice as though to himself, “solitude, daydreaming and a diet of romantic fiction!”

  “Yes, it’s on this new love that you staked everything,” Natasha repeated, completely ignoring the Prince’s words in a peak of fever­ish excitement and getting carried away more and more, “and how promising this new love was! Let’s face it, it all started when he still knew little of the girl’s virtues! On the night and at the precise moment when he was confiding to her that he could no longer love her because duty and love for someone else prevented him – the girl suddenly betrayed so much integrity, so much sympathy both for him and her rival, so much heartfelt charity, that even with his faith in her excellence, it hadn’t even occurred to him until that moment that she could be so wonderful! When he came to see me, all he could do was talk about her – that’s how great an impression she’d made on him Yes, come the next day he was already dying to see this exquisite creature again, if only out of a sense of gratitude. And why indeed not pay her a visit? She, the first one, was no longer suffering, her fate had been decided, she could look forward to a lifetime of togetherness, while the other girl was only going to snatch a brief moment… And wouldn’t it have been awful of Natasha if she’d begrudged even that moment? And so little by little, instead of a moment, Natasha found herself deprived of a day, then another, and another. Meanwhile the girl revealed herself to him in a totally unexpected, new light. She was so gracious, such an enthusiast and at the same time so naively childish, and in this so very much like himself. They vowed eternal friendship, kindred love, they wanted to stay together for life. “In a mere five or six hours of talking” his whole being opened up to new sentiments, and he surrendered himself to her heart and soul… Time would finally come, you calculated, when he’d compare his former love with his new, fresh passions. The familiar, the routine; the all too serious and exacting; the jealousy-ridden, intolerant, tear-sodden world of yesteryear… There, even if he was allowed some fun and games, it was not as an equal, but as a child… but the worst of it was that everything that had gone on before was so commonplace, so utterly predictable…”

  Tears and bitter convulsions choked her, but Natasha made one more effort.

  “So what next? It was all a question of time. Marriage to Natasha wasn’t altogether imminent – there was still plenty of time, and room for change… And what with your word-spinning, your hints, your insinuations, your eloquence… Might even think of something against this tiresome Natasha, set her in a bad light! And… how it would all unravel is anybody’s guess, but victory would be yours! Alyosha! Don’t be angry with me, my darling! Don’t say I don’t understand your love and don’t know how to value it. Of course I know that even now you love me and that right at this moment you may not even understand what has been weighing upon me. I know it was very bad of me to have come out with all this now. But what could I do if I could see it all coming and couldn’t stop loving you more and more… endlessly… madly!”

  She buried her face in her hands, slumped into a chair and burst into tears like a child. Alyosha rushed to her with a scream. Her tears inevitably brought out tears in him too.

  Her bout of weeping helped the Prince a great deal it would seem. All Natasha’s obsessions during this lengthy tirade, all the sting of her attack upon him – at which he would have been expected to take offence, if only for form’s sake – all that could now apparently be put down to a crazed eruption of jealousy, to thwarted love, even to sickness. It behoved him even to demonstrate some sympathy…

  “Calm yourself, don’t distress yourself, Natalya Nikolayevna,” the Prince comforted her, “this is all nervousness, fantasy, daydreams, the consequence of solitude… You were so upset by his inconsiderate behaviour… But this was just lack of consideration on his part. The most important factor that you mentioned, the incident on Tuesday, ought rather to have demonstrated his infinite attachment to you, whereas you imagined—”

  “Please don’t go on, spare me the agony now at least!” Natasha interrupted him, crying bitterly. “My heart had revealed everything to me, and way back at that! Do you really think I don’t understand that all his previous love for me is over… Here in this room, all alone… when he left me, forgot me… I went through it all… I turned it all over in my mind… What else was I to do! I’m not blaming you, Alyosha… Why, Prince, are you deceiving me? Do you really suppose I didn’t try to deceive myself!… Oh, many a time, many a time! Didn’t I listen out for every tone in his voice? Haven’t I learnt to read his face, his eyes?… Everything, everything is over, everything is dead and buried… Oh, how wretched I am!”

  Alyosha was weeping in front of her on his knees.

  “Yes, yes, I’m to blame! It’s all because of me!…” he repeated amidst his sobs.

  “No, don’t blame yourself, Alyosha… it’s the others… our enemies. They’re the ones!”

  “Now look here,” the Prince began with a show of impatience, “on what grounds do you attribute all these… crimes… to me? You’re only surmising, you’ve no proof—”

  “Proof!” Natasha exclaimed, getting up from her chair quickly, “you need proof, do you, you treacherous man! You had no other plan in mind when you came here with your proposition! You needed to put your son’s mind at rest, dull his pangs of conscience so that he should all the more freely and easily surrender himself entirely to Katya. Without this he’d have carried on thinking of me, stood his ground against you, and you have got tired of waiting. Well, isn’t that so?”

  “I must admit,” the Prince replied with a sarcastic smile, “had I wanted to deceive you, that’s just how I’d have gone about it. You’re very… clever, but this has to be proved before you begin to cast such slurs on people—”

  “Proved! What about your behaviour when you tried to persuade him to give me up? Whoever teaches his son to disregard or to play fast and loose with such obligations because of social advantages and money corrupts him! What was it you just said about the staircase and the place I live in? Was it not you who cut his allowance which you gave him formerly, so as to make us part through want and hunger? These rooms and this staircase are all your doing, and now you have the gall to blame him for it, you two-faced man, you! And how ever did you manage to bring yourself to such ardour that night, where did you manage to dredge up such novel, uncharacteristic ideas? Anyway, why were you so interested in me? I’ve been pacing up and down here these last four days. I kept turning everything over in my mind, weighing things up, your every word, the expression on your face, and concluded it was all a sham, a joke, a comedy – despicable, low and unworthy… I know you pretty well, I’ve known you for a long time! Every time Alyosha returned after seeing you, I could guess by his face what it was you had been saying and drumming into him. I’ve followed your every move to influence him! No, you can’t deceive me! Perhaps you’ve some other schemes up your sleeve, perhaps I haven’t even identified the main one now, but let that pass! You’ve been deceiving me – that’s the most important thing of all! That’s precisely what needed to be said straight to your face!…”

  “Is that it? Is that all the proof you have? But just think, hysterical woman that you are – this pantomime (as you called my Tuesday’s proposal) was too much of a commitment. It would have been altogether too frivolous of me.”

  “How, how would you have committed yourself? As though you’d think twice about deceiving me? In any case, who cares if
some girl has been deceived! She’s just a wretched waif, disowned by her father, defenceless, only herself to blame for her disgrace, and no morals to speak of. She’s hardly worth the bother, provided this ruse could be of the smallest, of the least advantage to anyone!”

  “Just think, what a position you’re putting yourself in, Natalia Nikolayevna! You definitely insist that I’ve insulted you. But surely such an insult would be so preposterous, so degrading, that I’m at a loss that you could so much as suggest it, let alone insist on it. One must surely be too inured to everything to admit such a possibility so easily, if you will pardon me. I’m justified in rebuking you because you’re setting my son up against me. If he hasn’t yet rebelled against me openly because of you, he surely is against me in his heart—”

  “No, Father, no,” Alyosha exclaimed, “if I haven’t rebelled against you, it’s because I don’t believe you could have insulted her, and anyway I believe such an insult is simply inconceivable.”

  “Did you hear that?” the Prince exclaimed.

  “Natasha, I’m to blame for everything, don’t accuse him. It’s unfair and it’s appalling!”

  “Did you hear that, Vanya? He’s already against me!” Natasha exclaimed.

  “Enough!” the Prince said. “We must put a stop to this harrowing scene. This blind and vicious, totally unwarranted outburst of jealousy shows your character in quite a different light for me. I’ve been warned. We’ve been overhasty, indeed we have. You’re not even aware what an insult this has been for me. To you it’s nothing. We’ve been overhasty… overhasty… of course, my word is my bond, but… I am a father and I care for my son’s happiness—”

  “You’re going back on your word,” Natasha exclaimed, at the end of her tether, “you’re only too glad of the opportunity! But, let me tell you this, two days ago, I myself, here, made up my mind to release him from his word, and I’m confirming it now in front of everyone. He is free!”

  “That is, perhaps you want to rekindle in him all his former anxieties, his sense of duty, his ‘hankering for obligations’ (as you put it just now), so as to tie him to you again as before. Let’s face it, this would be in line with your theory, that’s why I’m mentioning it. But enough said – time will decide. I’ll await a more relaxed occasion to reach an understanding with you. I hope we’re not breaking off our relationship completely. I also hope you’ll come to hold me in higher regard. I was minded to tell you today of my plan concerning your parents, from which you’d have seen… but enough! Ivan Petrovich!” he added, approaching me, “I’ve always been anxious to get to know you better, and never more so than now. I hope to bring you round to my way of thinking. I shall call on you in a day or two. Do I have your permission?”

  I bowed. It was clear to me I could no longer avoid making his acquaintance. He shook my hand, bowed to Natasha in silence and left with an air of affronted dignity.

  4

  For a few minutes none of us spoke. Natasha sat lost in thought, sad and crushed. All her energy was suddenly drained from her. She stared straight ahead, seeing nothing, as though in a reverie, holding Alyosha’s hand in hers. The latter was quietly bemoaning his misfortune, from time to time glancing at her with apprehensive curiosity.

  At last he started to comfort her timorously, begging her not to be angry, and took the blame upon himself; it was apparent that he was very anxious to exonerate his father and that he had particularly set his heart on this; he tried to raise the matter several times, but was afraid to be too outspoken for fear of again incurring Natasha’s wrath. He swore of his undying, unswerving love and ardently defended his attachment to Katya, repeating over and over again that he loved Katya only as a sister, a dear, kind sister, whom he could not possibly abandon, which would certainly be unspeakably rude and cruel of him, and kept insisting that if only Natasha were to get to know Katya, they would instantly become the best of friends for life and that that would be the end of all their misunderstandings. This was something he looked forward to with particular relish. And he was perfectly sincere about it, bless him. He could not grasp Natasha’s misgivings, as a matter of fact neither did he quite take in what it was Natasha had said to his father. All he really knew was that they had quarrelled, and that it was that which was weighing heavily upon his heart.

  “Are you cross with me because of your father?” Natasha asked.

  “How can I be,” he replied bitterly, “when I’m the culprit and guilty of everything? It was I who brought you to that state, and in your anger you turned on him because you wanted to exonerate me. You’re always exonerating me, and I don’t deserve it. There had to be a scapegoat, so you turned on him. Whereas really and truly he’s not to blame at all!” Alyosha exclaimed, gaining heart. “Surely that’s what not what he came here for! That’s not what he expected to hear!”

  But, seeing that Natasha appeared disconsolate and looked at him with reproach, he immediately backed down.

  “There, there now, forgive me,” he said. “It’s all my fault really!”

  “Yes, Alyosha,” she continued with a heavy heart. “Now he has come between us and upset the whole of our little world for good. You always believed in me more than in anyone else. Now he has sown suspicion in your heart against me, mistrust, you keep blaming me, he has taken from me one half of your heart. It’s a black day for us.”

  “Don’t say that, Natasha. Why do you say ‘a black day’?” he was offended by the expression.

  “His kindness and rectitude are all a sham to beguile you,” Natasha continued, “now he’ll go out of his way to drive a wedge between us.”

  “I swear to you, he won’t!” Alyosha exclaimed with even greater fervour. “He was irritated when he said ‘overhasty’. You’ll see for yourself, tomorrow, in a few days’ time, he’ll come to his senses, but if he is so angry that he really opposes our marriage, I swear to you, I won’t knuckle under. I may yet have enough strength for that… And do you know who’s going to help us?” he suddenly exclaimed, elated by his idea. “Katya’s going to help us! And you’ll see, you really will see what a wonderful creature she is! You’ll see if she wants to be your rival and split us up! And wasn’t it really unfair of you to say that I’m the sort of person who can fall out of love the day after the wedding! It really hurt me when you said that! No, I’m not like that at all, and if I have been going to see Katya rather a lot…”

  “What’s the use, Alyosha, see her whenever you want. That wasn’t what I was talking about. You misunderstood me. Stay with whoever makes you happy. I can’t expect more from you than your heart can grant…”

  Mavra came in.

  “Do you want your tea served, or not? Heavens above, the samovar’s been on the boil for the last two hours. It’s already eleven o’clock.”

  Her tone was grumpy and rude; it was clear she was very out of sorts and displeased with Natasha. The fact was that these past few days, ever since Tuesday, she’d been most excited that her young mistress – whom she loved to distraction – was going to get married and had spread the good news round the whole house, the neighbourhood, in the shop, and had told the caretaker. She had boasted with all solemnity that the Prince, an important man, a general no less, and fabulously rich, had called in person on her young mistress to ask her to agree, and she, Mavra, had heard it all with her own ears, and suddenly – now – all this was to end in a puff of smoke! The Prince had left in anger without even having had some tea, and the one to blame for this was of course the young lady herself. Mavra had overheard her speak to him disrespectfully.

  “Well, all right… bring it in,” Natasha replied.

  “And something to eat as well?”

  “Yes, I suppose so.” Natasha was at a loss.

  “There we were preparing like mad,” Mavra continued. “I’ve been run off my feet since yesterday! I even had to dash to the Nevsky for wine, and all for nothing!…” and she left the
room, slamming the door angrily.

  Natasha blushed and looked at me rather strangely. In the meantime tea was served. The food included some game, some kind of fish and a couple of bottles of excellent wine from Yeliseyev’s.* “What is all that in aid of?” I thought to myself.

  “You see, Vanya, what I’m like,” Natasha said, approaching the table, embarrassed even before me. “I knew very well everything would turn out the way it did, and still I hoped against hope that perhaps it would end differently. Alyosha would arrive, start making up to us, we’d all be friends again, all my suspicions would prove groundless, my fears dispelled, and… just in case, I prepared a bite to eat. Well, I thought we might sit up late into the night, talking…”

  Poor Natasha! She blushed crimson as she said this. Alyosha got terribly excited.

  “You see, Natasha!” he exclaimed. “You had no faith in yourself. Just two hours ago you didn’t believe your own suspicions! No, all this needs to be put right. I’m to blame, I’ve brought all this about, and it’s all up to me to put it right now. Natasha, let me go to my father immediately! I’ve got to see him. He feels offended and insulted. I must comfort him. I’ll talk to him, just the two of us, I’ll speak only for myself. You won’t be involved. I’ll settle everything… Don’t be upset that I’m rushing after him like that, leaving you on your own. It’s not that at all – I’m sorry for him. He’s bound to make amends to you, you’ll see… Tomorrow at first light I’ll be back, and stay with you all day – I shan’t go to Katya’s…”