From Within

by J. M. Walker

  “But you kept in contact with Caiden…why?”

  I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came out. Not knowing why I kept in contact with him, I shrugged. “I was scared of the feelings I had towards Xander. It’s no excuse. He was dark, dangerous but now,” I took a deep breath. “He’s intense. If they had AA meetings for Xander Brant, I would run them.”

  Bee grabbed hold of my hand, slipping her fingers between mine. “When I first met Caiden…something told me he would need me more than I needed him.”

  “Did you know about his cancer right away?”

  She nodded slightly. “He was honest. It may sound weird and most probably wouldn’t understand but I do love him and I will spend every waking breath with him until he passes.”

  The air was heavy and thick, surrounding us with sorrow and pain. So much darkness had clouded our lives over the past couple of days. Everything had happened so fast. Me coming back. Falling in love with Xander all over again. Caiden having cancer and that was it. Now he would marry Bee and wait out his days with her. I prayed that God allowed him a couple more years on this earth but the twinge of anxiety in my belly told me differently.

  Xander and Caiden joined us in the house, the skies darkening as rain started tumbling down. It fit perfectly with our solemn moods.

  Caiden got on the phone with a priest, demanding politely and saying he would pay whatever it cost for him to show up at the house to perform the wedding ceremony.

  I was happy for Caiden and Bee but I wished it was under different circumstances. To marry someone, knowing you’ll eventually lose them and become a widow, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry Xander if I knew he was going to die at any time. It was selfish of me but I lost him once, I refused to lose him again. But Xander wasn’t the one dying. No. I wouldn’t lose him. As much as our relationship had its problems, I would take the yelling and screaming. I glanced at Bee. Caiden was whispering softly to her. The look of warmth and love in her eyes took my breath away. Did I look at Xander like that? Did Xander see it? Did he know I loved him? I told him. God, I told him all of the time. But was it enough? Did he trust me again?

  “Are you okay?” Xander stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

  That question…such a simple question with an answer that usually was based on lies, made me break. I silently cried while Xander’s hold on me tightened.

  “Let it out, baby,” he said, his voice thick.

  I cried harder, the pain in my chest growing. It became extreme, to the point I couldn’t breathe. I cried for Xander. For Caiden. For all of us. For the trust I felt was no longer there between Xander and me. I had only been back for a couple of weeks. Could that make things better in that short amount of time? Was it enough? God, so many questions I needed to know the answers to. Maybe Xander and I weren’t meant to be. Bile rose to my throat, my stomach twisting with anxiety. So much anxiety. I had been anxious for years. Not knowing what the cause of the problem was, I had always assumed it was me.

  “We’ll get through this,” Xander told me softly, his breath whispering against my hair.

  The words left his lips and I heard them but I didn’t feel them. Something had changed. Something was making me question everything I knew. My parents had called me, Embree called me, even my work called me but I ignored everyone. Focused solely on the man behind me, I put everything that was a part of me into helping him. I lived and breathed him. I woke up next to him and fell asleep in his arms. Every. Single. Day. Was there such a thing as spending too much time together? Oh God. What the hell was I thinking? I shook my head, trying to rid myself of these thoughts but the pros and cons to our toxic relationship kept playing over and over in my head.

  “I love you,” Xander said, kissing my neck.

  I love you, too. God, I love you with every inch of me. Every fiber of my being.

  But we both knew it wasn’t enough.

  “Alright. The priest is on his way.” Caiden let out a sigh of relief and slumped into the chair, pulling Bee onto his lap.

  “You’re going to do this?” I stepped out of Xander’s embrace. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?” I wasn’t exactly sure why I was all of a sudden questioning Caiden’s decision. The doctors didn’t give him long to live, a week, a month. They said he would be lucky to live for another year. But what if God allowed him to live longer? What if it wasn’t his time? Would he regret marrying Bee?

  “Hope,” Xander chastised. “Why are you questioning them now?”

  “No,” Caiden smiled softly. “It’s fine. Come sit.”

  I moved to the couch across from him and folded my hands in my lap. Like a little kid who got in trouble by its parents, I sat still and waited.

  “Look at me.”

  My eyes rose to Caiden’s, glancing between Bee and him. “I’m sorry. I want you both happy but I don’t want you to regret this.”

  “We don’t,” they answered at the same time.

  “Listen,” Caiden grabbed my hand. “After all of this…” He swallowed hard. “You and Xander need some time. You can’t rush into anything. You’ve only been back for a couple of weeks. You can’t expect everything to be perfect and fall into place.”

  “I love him,” I said as Xander sat beside me. “But…”

  “But what, Hope?” Xander’s voice lowered, laced with a hint of accusation.

  This wasn’t the time. Xander and I could talk later. “Nothing.” I waited for the incessant badgering to start, demanding me to talk and lay everything out on the line. When that didn’t happen, my heart sunk. As much as I didn’t want to fight, Xander and I needed to talk.

  Xander grabbed my hand, kissing my knuckles and fingertips.

  That gentle touch brought tears to my eyes. It was a gesture that meant so much more than the actual act of it. He was telling me he was sorry. But did he even know what he was apologizing for?

  Xander

  I KNEW something had been off between us but I wasn’t sure exactly what. There was no handbook at how to maintain a relationship. There was no how-to guide on how to keep it strong and whole. I loved Hope with everything in me. She filled the void in my chest since losing my parents so long ago. We reconnected on a physical level but mentally and emotionally? I couldn’t feel her. She had closed herself off to me and I was too blind to see it before now. But when she started questioning Caiden’s and Bee’s decision to marry, I knew right then that if I didn’t do something and fast, I would lose her. But I didn’t know what to do.

  A knock sounded on the front door, jarring me from my thoughts. While everyone remained talking softly amongst themselves, I answered it.

  Pulling the door open, I was surprised for a moment to see who had showed up.

  “Hey, grumpy,” Shana greeted me.

  “Hi.” I closed the door behind me and joined her on the deck. “I am so sorry for…” My words trailed off when I saw a tear roll down her cheek. “What’s wrong?”

  She shrugged and sat on the patio swing.

  The rain beat down around the house and that was when I noticed the blue van in the driveway. An older woman was sitting in the driver seat. She gave a small wave and I waved back. “Is that your mom?”

  Shana sighed. “Yeah.”

  “This is good isn’t it? They were travelling or something?” I joined her on the swing, stretching my legs out in front of me.

  “It is. I’m happy they’re back but…”

  “What?”

  “My parents are getting a divorce and I feel so guilty that it’s bothering me as much as it is when you don’t have your parents at all but…it fucking sucks.” She let out a shaky breath.

  My heart gave a start. I didn’t know Shana for long but I grew to like her feisty attitude. This sad version of her was not normal and I knew it didn’t happen often. “Your parents have to do what’s best for them. Yeah, it sucks but would you rather them be unhappy? How would you feel if they only stayed together for you? You would feel gui
ltier than you already do,” I pointed out. “Besides, you now have four homes.”

  “Four?” She looked up at me, wiping under her eyes.

  “Your grandparents. Your mom. Your dad. And here.”

  “Here?” Her eyes widened.

  “You always have a place here. I expect you to visit me when you’re staying with your grandparents.”

  She nodded. “I would like that.”

  “So would I.” Never having a little sister before, Shana took over that role whether she knew it or not. “I’m sorry for not visiting you. I haven’t been for a run in a couple of days.”

  “That’s okay. How’s everything here?”

  Even though she was fourteen, I enjoyed talking to her. I told her everything, within reason. Skipping the gritty details, I gave her the G-rated version.

  “Wow. Sounds like it’s been a rough couple of days.”

  I bit back a scoff and rubbed a hand over my buzzed head. Rough would be an understatement. But…I felt like it was needed. So many hurtful things had been said. Feelings had been revealed. If only Hope and I could tell each other exactly how we felt. But we didn’t know, did we?

  “Well I have to go. Summer break is over soon and I have to go home to get ready for school crap.”

  I nodded, not realizing summer had come and gone so quickly. “It was nice to meet you, Shana. You’re like a little sister I’ve never been blessed with.”

  “Even though you’re grumpy,” she laughed. “I’d like to think of you as a big brother.”

  “Thanks.” I chuckled. Pulling her in for a hug, I kissed her hair. “Seriously. Thank you.”

  “For what?” She sat back.

  “I don’t even know exactly. Not knowing you for long and talking to you has helped me. I still have some shit to work through but you’ve…helped me.”

  “I don’t know what I did,” she said, her cheeks reddening.

  “I’m not exactly sure either.”

  She giggled and shook her head. “Well if you figure it out, let me know.”

  “I will.”

  At that point, a black car drove up the driveway. My heart raced hard against my rib cage knowing it was the priest.

  Shana gave me her number, programmed mine into her phone and ran down the steps to her mom’s van. She turned back, waved and slid into the vehicle before she got soaked by the rain.

  I returned her wave and sat there, waiting. The cool wind whipped around me, brushing over my skin like a blanket.

  The priest made his way up the steps and I vaguely remembered him asking me where Mr. Yeo was. I motioned for him to go inside but that was it. I didn’t follow him. I didn’t do anything. I sat there, staring out in the vast expanse of the front yard. Caiden had this place built, starting it years ago. The inside wasn’t perfect yet but it was home. His home. And now mine. Right? Would he kick me out after Bee and he married? Where would I go? Move in with Hope? Could I even live with her? We had practically been living together for the past couple of weeks but we had Caiden with us to lessen the blow. Hope and I were like oil and water. We didn’t mix but then on the other hand, she knew everything about me that a person could know about someone. But I didn’t know everything about her. She had tried to tell me what she had been doing for the past ten years but I didn’t want to hear it. God, I was such a selfish asshole.

  My chest tightened, a flutter of unease twisted at my gut when a thought slid into my mind.

  She’ll cheat again. Once a cheater, always a cheater. She was pregnant with another man’s baby.

  “Fuck,” I growled, gripping my head. Stop. Please stop. She loves me. She needs me.

  But does she trust you?

  I couldn’t deal with this now. It was Caiden and Bee’s night. They needed to get this over with before he took a turn for the worse. The not knowing was what hurt the most.

  “Hope.” I loved her. More than I loved myself. But was it enough? Could our love save us? Shit. These thoughts, these questions, they would eat at me until I was able to confront Hope. I knew already my temper would win out and I would lash into her. A tingle brewed, boiling with rage in the pit of my soul. Waiting. Always waiting.

  The door opened, interrupting my questioning thoughts. “Zee,” Caiden peeked his head out. “We’re ready.”

  I nodded and followed him back into the house.

  “Are you good?” He clapped a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

  “I’m fine,” I lied.

  “Xander.”

  His firm voice stopped me in my tracks and I turned back to him.

  “Whatever happens, know it’s for the best. With time comes great reward.” He kissed my forehead. “Have patience.”

  I searched his face, allowing myself the reprieve of actually looking at him this time. His olive skin tone had paled in comparison to what it once was. His strong cheekbones were hollow due to him losing weight. His pink scars were more pronounced but his eyes remained the dark blue they had always been. You’d think after what he had been through, they would take on a sadness but not Caiden. He was a firm believer of everything happening for a reason when I was the type that wanted to give up.

  “I don’t have any patience,” I heard myself say. “What if Hope and I aren’t meant to be together?”

  “Then it was never meant to be in the first place. But look at how far you both have come. Even if it doesn’t work out, you have helped each other. But please, don’t let it set you back.”

  I nodded, looking away. Hope had told me I was strong, that I had control over my addiction, when really, I had no control at all. Of anything. Not of my life. Certainly not of myself. A part of me gave into the craving because it silenced the demons. Another part gave in because it helped me forget.

  “Let’s do this,” I said and stepped out of his embrace.

  We walked into the living room and were greeted by Bee and Hope.

  “Are you okay?” Hope brushed a hand down my chest, grazing her fingers lightly over my hard abs.

  I pinched her chin and placed a soft peck on her mouth. “No.”

  She nodded and grabbed my hand.

  Knowing we would talk later, I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Whatever happened would be because it was meant to be. God, I was starting to sound like Caiden.

  “I love you. I hope you know that,” she said softly.

  “I do.” Was it enough?

  “I know this is an untimely circumstance and that this is unconventional but I am honored to be a part of this,” the priest told us, standing by the fireplace. “I understand you don’t have any rings, right?”

  Caiden shook his head. “No. This wasn’t exactly planned.” He grimaced. Always being the type to organize and plan far in advance, I knew this was throwing him off. He shifted on his feet but when Bee stepped up to him and held both of his hands, he relaxed.

  For the first time ever since he introduced us to Bee, I saw the love he had for her.

  “That’s completely fine.” The priest pulled a folder out of his briefcase. “I think I already know the answer to this but did you apply for a marriage license?”

  “We did. I know someone who works in that field so they pulled some strings and had it faxed over to me immediately.”

  “Perfect.” The priest clapped his hands together. “Let’s get you both married then.”

  ***

  (Hope)

  Never would I have imagined that I’d be standing at Caiden’s wedding. He told me he thought he wouldn’t be here before he could get married, proving himself wrong. As he and Bee exchanged vows, Xander held tight onto my hand. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I didn’t know if he was hurt by all of this. Everything was moving so fast out of desperation. Caiden didn’t have to say anything. I knew he was marrying Bee because he didn’t want to die alone. It was heartbreaking. Life was cruel. It took from us everything that made us strong, expecting us to be fine and completely whole in the end.

  My mom
had called again while the priest was getting everything set up but I allowed it to go to voicemail. I wasn’t in the mood for her judgment. I knew I would have to face them eventually but I prayed Xander would be with me. He was my strength and I didn’t know if I could do it without him.

  “I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

  Tears welled in my eyes at the priests words. Knowing I missed their vows, I gave Bee a hug and then Caiden. I wrapped my arms around his waist.

  He kissed my hair. “Don’t cry,” he said, his voice thick.

  I shook my head, unable to help it. Tears flowed down my cheeks of their own accord. I couldn’t control them. It felt like a hot knife had ripped into my heart, twisting and turning before being pulled free from my aching body. Sobs wracked through me, shaking my shoulders to the point my muscles hurt. I ached everywhere.

  “Hope, please.” He cupped my cheeks, kissing my forehead. “Don’t cry for me.”

  “I…I can’t…” I said between sobs. Crying so hard I couldn’t form a proper sentence, I broke. Sorrow crashed into me, washing over my body like a billowy cloud of darkness.

  Heavy arms wrapped around me, holding me against a hard body. “I’m here, Hope. Let it out. Don’t let the sadness consume you,” Xander whispered in my ear soothingly.

  When had he become so strong? “Xander, I can’t…I can’t do this.”

  He lifted me, cradling me against his chest like a newborn babe. He said something softly to Caiden and Bee and carried me to his room.

  “Xander, put me down. I’m fine,” I insisted, struggling against him until he placed me on my feet.

  “Are you? Are you fine?” He pinched my chin.