From Within

by J. M. Walker

  “Oh, God. You’re so deep,” she panted.

  I grinned and pushed into her one last time before she broke. Swallowing her screams, I thrust my hips once, twice, before I followed her release. My come filled her, marking her, giving her what I had always wanted to. Me.

  Once we both came down from our high, I kissed her face, remaining connected with her body.

  “I can feel you harden inside of me,” she said softly, brushing a hand down my cheek.

  “You make me hard, baby,” I said and sat back on my haunches.

  Her gaze glanced between us and she licked her lips.

  “If you keep looking at me like that, I’ll never leave your pussy,” I said, gripping her hips. Pulling out, I lowered my hand between our bodies and brushed a finger over her core.

  She shivered, her eyes darkening.

  “Taste us,” I breathed and inserted the tip into her mouth.

  Her eyes fluttered close, her lips wrapping around my finger.

  Covering her mouth, I pushed my tongue between her lips, swallowing the sweet taste of our pleasure.

  Hope moaned, a soft purr rumbling from the back of her throat.

  “We taste good, baby,” I whispered, releasing her.

  She sighed. Righting her pants while I did the same, she looked up at me. “I love you.”

  “I love you,” I said, grabbing her hand. Pulling her back in my arms, I kissed her neck. “Thank you.”

  She nodded, snuggling against me.

  The air became thick around us in a matter of seconds. I knew we couldn’t change the heavy subject by having sex. I had never even intended to fuck her on the patio but hearing her beg, her desperate words for me, I couldn’t resist. She was worse than the alcohol and drugs I was addicted to. At least with them, I could stay away. But Hope Charming…I would never leave.

  “I would give anything…” I swallowed hard. “To have my parents back.”

  “I love mine but they drive me insane. It makes me feel guilty when you and Caiden have no one.”

  “We have each other. I think that’s why we became close. After the fire, he changed. It was so long ago but even I remember it. Hearing about it. Seeing it on the news. But I was a kid. I wanted to help him. I wish I could have been there for him. I wish…”

  “Xander, there’s nothing you could have done. You were a boy. Both of you were…boys.”

  “But I should have done more,” I insisted. “When my parents died, he was there for me. At the funeral. Everything. God, I’m so selfish. After all these years…” The words poured out of me, leaving me whole but empty at the same time. A relief flooded through me at the words I had wanted to say for years but couldn’t. I never had the strength. I was weak. Powerless. Submitting to the thoughts threatening to destroy me every damn day of my life.

  “You are not selfish.” Hope rose to her feet and thrust the sketch towards me. “Look at how far you’ve come in only a couple of weeks. Look at what we’ve done. What you have said. Your feelings. You’re talking. Finally. After all of this time, you’re finally telling me how you feel. Look at what we did a moment ago. You made love to me in the best way possible.”

  “But I’m losing Caiden!” I snapped, throwing the sketch pad on the ground. “I have nothing if he leaves me.”

  “You have me!” Hope yelled. She took a couple deep breaths, her chest rising and falling.

  Letting my head drop in my hands, I broke. Again.

  “Baby, you have me,” she said gently, kneeling at my feet. “I love you. I will be there for you when…when…”

  “Don’t say it.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. I couldn’t deal. Caiden dying would set me back. Him leaving would destroy me.

  “Xander,” she said softly.

  “I can’t. I can’t deal.” My breath hitched, my chest constricting. “I’m not strong enough.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “No—”

  “Xander.” Hope pulled my hands free from my face and cupped my cheeks. “You are strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. Look at what we’ve been through. I know we still have shit to deal with but you are strong.”

  “I don’t feel I am,” I said as Caiden and Bee stepped outside.

  “What’s going on?” Caiden sat on the couch beside me, crossing his ankle over his opposite knee.

  Hope sighed, holding my hand in hers. “Having a setback.”

  “I’m fine,” I grumbled.

  “Are you?” Hope frowned.

  Her incessant badgering sent a tingle of need down my spine. Under normal circumstances, like if we were alone for one, I’d shut her up by kissing the hell out of her. Or other ways.

  “Xander, stop looking at me like that,” she whispered, sitting on the ground between my legs. She inched her hand under my pant leg and wrapped her fingers around my calf.

  That touch, although soft and gentle, relaxed me.

  “Talk to me,” Caiden said. “I need you guys to talk…please just…talk.”

  Hope’s grip on my leg tightened.

  I sat still, staring out at the back yard before us.

  Bee started crying softly.

  And Caiden? When we didn’t talk, he walked out to the middle of the yard, his head tilting to the sky.

  Was he praying? Was he demanding why God would allow him to die and so soon? Was he giving up? Please don’t let him give up.

  “Go to him,” Hope whispered.

  I stood up. Taking a deep breath, I held out both of my hands. “Come with me. Both of you.” I made a point at looking at Hope and then Bee, my gaze finally locking with hers. “Please.”

  “Are you sure?” She slid her hand in mine, linking our fingers.

  “Definitely.” We needed to all be there for him. It wasn’t me. As much as I liked to think in the beginning Caiden belonged to me, he wasn’t just my friend. He belonged to all of us. “Caiden,” I called out gently as we made our way to him.

  Caiden was whispering, talking to himself as we all knelt around him. I wasn’t able to hear everything but what I did hear, tore at my soul.

  “Help him. Please, God, keep him safe.”

  At that point, I hugged him.

  His back stiffened and then relaxed into my touch. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to leave you.”

  Fuck. I swallowed hard, clearing my throat several times before I was finally able to form a somewhat coherent sentence. “We are here for you. All of us. We will live every day to its fullest. But I refuse to live every day like it’s your last.”

  “But it could be.” He shook against me.

  “And we will take them one day at a time.” I cupped his nape, pouring the strength I didn’t feel into our embrace. He was the strong one. He was the one who always told me things would be okay. That we would move on. Without him, I knew a piece of me would die. He was my rock. My best friend. My brother. Something more. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t care to ask or know the answer. I would treasure these moments with him. I would hold him until he pushed me away. I would touch him until he had enough. I would be there for him. I was determined to reach deep inside of myself, pulling from within every ounce of courage, every morsel of strength he had shared with me over the years.

  We sat there, the four of us huddled together for what could have been minutes. Even hours. I didn’t know. I didn’t care.

  “Caiden,” Bee said softly awhile later. She looked at him through tear soaked lashes. “I know we said we wouldn’t fall but I did. I fell hard. For you.”

  “Bee.” Caiden cupped her cheek.

  “I’m sorry. I tried so hard not to but…I’m falling in love with you. I need you to know that.” She leaned into his hand and kissed his palm. “That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier before we got distracted.”

  “I had a coughing fit, Bee. You can say it,” he pushed.

  She shook her head. “I know.”

  Hope grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently. Telling me to be stron
g? To not over react? To let Caiden have this moment? I wasn’t sure what she thought I would do but I squeezed her hand back in reassurance anyways.

  “Bee, I don’t…I…” Caiden fumbled over his words.

  Shock fluttered through me. He never had issues saying what was on his mind. That was one reason why we got along so well. He never took my shit, always telling me straight up if I was being stupid or not. To hear him be unable to tell Bee exactly how he felt made me wonder if there was more going on besides them being fuck buddies.

  “We’ll give you two a moment,” Hope suggested, making a move to rise to her feet.

  “No,” Caiden said, his voice firm. “I…I need to say this. To all of you.” He took a breath.

  My heart raced, my mind conjuring up what he could possibly say. But what I thought and what came out of his mouth were two different things.

  “Marry me.”

  Bee’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open. “What…are…I…” Now it was her turn to stumble.

  “I want to marry you. I’m in love with you.” He took a breath. “God, it feels so good to say that.”

  Her eyes filled with unshed tears, the corners of her lips twitching.

  “I’ve been in love with you since you stepped into my play room. The shy timid girl then has now turned into a beautiful strong woman kneeling before me. I don’t want to die and have my…everything…all of this…go to the bank and shit.” He glanced at Hope and I. “I set it up so I left something to each of you but it’s not the same.” Caiden placed a soft peck on Bee’s lips. “I want to be yours,” he whispered.

  “I don’t want you to marry me because you feel you have to.”

  I felt like we were intruding on their private conversation. When Hope and I tried to give them time alone, Caiden demanded we stay, telling us he needed us there. To test my strength. To see how far he could take it before I broke. Maybe he wanted to see if I could handle him being with someone else. Not like he was ever with me in the first place. Not on my end at least. Was that why he was single for the longest time? Was he waiting? No. I wasn’t worth the wait.

  “I never do anything on a whim. You all should know that.” Caiden scrubbed his hands down his scarred face. “When I lost my family, I had problems in school. With people. Xander brought me out of that…” His purple eyes slid to mine.

  “I…I don’t remember ever helping you. I was a kid.” A tingle of unease spread over my skin like a second layer. Knowing I should have done more, I came to the realization it was never enough. No matter what I did.

  “You being there helped me.” He searched my face no doubt seeing the look of surprise written all over it. “You have no idea what you have done for me, do you?”

  “Well…I…” I frowned. “No…I guess not.”

  “You introduced me to Lee. I know he’s an asshole for what he did to Hope but through him, I met Bee.”

  “He saved me,” Bee interjected. “I was in an abusive relationship. Caiden helped me see that I could be happy. I…yes…I’ll marry you,” she said softly.

  Hope’s breath caught. “Xander,” she whispered in my ear.

  I met her gaze and cupped her cheek.

  “I told you,” she placed her hand over mine and leaned into my palm. “I told you that you have helped him. That you have helped us. You’re strong, baby. So strong. I love you. I love Caiden. I—”

  Crushing my mouth to hers, I swallowed her breath like I needed it to live. Like I needed her air to survive. “I love you. God, I love you so damn much,” I said, my voice low so only she could hear. “I don’t deserve you. Any of you.”

  “We will get through this,” Caiden said softly. “We have to.”

  I don’t want to.

  “I know.”

  My back stiffened, not realizing I had spoken out loud.

  Caiden leaned his forehead against mine. “I know,” he repeated.

  “Bee, did you want to come get some drinks and snacks with me?” Hope offered.

  Bee nodded, kissed Caiden on the cheek and whispered something in his ear.

  He squeezed her hand and watched as they walked back into the house. A house where so many things had happened in a short amount of time. Revelations had been brought forth, some I didn’t want to know and some I needed to know whether I liked it or not.

  So many secrets between us. Lies. Feelings. As my best friend kept his forehead against mine, I couldn’t help but wish he could transfer his strength into me from that small touch. So strong. Everything about Caiden Yeo was pure strength. He had lost more than a person should. But gained so much in return. And now that he was older, cancer would be the true destroyer.

  At times, I had felt like God played tricks on us. My parents had taught me that he wouldn’t give us any more than we could handle but sometimes I questioned that theory. At times he was like a little kid, looking down on the world. With his huge magnifying glass in hand, we were the ants, burning and screaming from pain.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” Caiden demanded softly, picking at a few slivers of grass. He was worse than Hope, wanting to know my thoughts but I came to realize that talking opened up new possibilities. It filled the hole in my chest.

  “I’m thinking how God is evil…”

  “He’s not. This is meant to be. It’s not him taking my life from me.”

  “Then who is it, Caiden?” My heart jumped hard against my rib cage, my blood boiling at the possibility of losing my friend at any moment.

  Caiden sighed. “Cancer. That is the ultimate evil.”

  “I’m also thinking how you are one of the strongest people I know,” I said, my voice small. “Life won’t be the same without you. That…” I swallowed hard. “A part of me will die with you.”

  He rose to his feet, pacing back and forth. “I’m not going to lie and say I’m not scared. Of course I am. I am beyond fucking scared. I’m terrified because I know once it gets to that point, I will suffer.” He looked down at me. “But you know what I’ll hate most? What I absolutely can’t stand about this shit? It’s not leaving you because I know you’ll be fine.”

  “Caiden.”

  “No.” He held up his hand, stopping me. “Let me finish. It’s not leaving this place because I know someone will live in it who deserves to. It’s…it’s giving up control. Of my life. Of…everything. I don’t know if you know what type of relationship I have with Bee but I control her. She needs it and I need to give it. Having that type of power over another human being is exhilarating.”

  “But what about after? What happens then?” I tried to understand what Caiden was telling me. What he so desperately needed me to hear him say.

  “Bee is strong. I know my relationship with her came as a bit of a shock. Especially after I told you how I felt and all.”

  I scoffed. No kidding. “It was a shock but I could never expect you to pine after me forever. I’m…”

  “What?”

  “I’m glad we’re talking,” I mumbled. “And not yelling and screaming like we have been doing.”

  “I think we’re both tired. Of the fighting. The yelling. The addiction.”

  There was one addiction I couldn’t kick. No matter how hard I tried, Hope Charming would always be a part of me. One that consumed my every waking thought. My dreams. Even my nightmares. She curbed my cravings for the liquid, the pits of the bottle that would eventually kill me. She helped me not want to inject shit into my body but replace it with her light instead. We both had darkness, shadows of ourselves that were shells of our reflections.

  “So…marriage, huh?” I needed desperately to change the subject.

  Caiden shrugged. Although the movement was small, it ignited a string of coughs to wrack through his body. “Sorry,” he wheezed when the coughing calmed down.

  I didn’t know if I could deal as I helped him to the patio couch. My eyes burned, my chest tightening. He let me walk him, guide him with each step. I had never noticed but his clothes were
looser, his bones practically poking out of the skin in his back. “Caiden.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t.”

  “Do you have any other appointments?”

  “No.” He coughed again. “The doctors said there is nothing more they can do. They offered to put me in a Hospice but I refused. I’d rather die here.”

  “Have you got everything in order? With your lawyer and…bank?”

  Brushing a hand over his head, he let his arm fall to his lap. A chunk of black hair rested in his palm. “Yeah. Everything is good to go.” He stared straight ahead, his gaze taking on a faraway look. “I did chemo expecting it to do something. That was why you hadn’t seen me for a while last summer.”

  “I wish you would have told me.”

  “I know. I should have told you but…I’m always in fucking control, I thought I could deal with this on my own.” His shoulders slumped, admitting defeat.

  “It’s wrong to talk about your death like it’s a normal thing.” But it wasn’t at all. I had known Caiden for most of my life. Meeting him when we were only kids, we had been best friends ever since. Then Hope came along and I fell in love. Or I thought I did. Now, it was intense, bordering on dangerous. But then? It was a teenaged boy’s wet dream. Slim. Tanned. Full-chested no matter what she said about her tits being small.

  “Well unfortunately, it is a normal thing for us,” Caiden said, pulling me from my thoughts.

  “I don’t want it to be. I want us to be able to fight this.”

  “It’s not your battle to fight.”

  Yeah. And that fucking sucked.

  ***

  (Hope)

  Standing at the patio door, I took a sip of my water and waited. For what, I wasn’t exactly sure. I felt like I had been waiting my whole damn life. Even before meeting Xander. I was just a girl when I met Caiden, meeting Xander not long after. He was every girl’s bad boy dream and I was the lucky one who ended up with him.

  I smiled to myself, remembering the jealousy I had received from the other girls.

  “How long have you known them?” Bee asked, coming up beside me.

  “Years. But it’s like I knew them, left, and then came back to get to know them all over again.” Ten years. Ten long painful years. I never told Xander this but I wasn’t able to keep a job because of my drinking. And then being sober for five years, I felt drawn to the needs of others. I wanted to help them help themselves. There were secrets Xander didn’t know about me and I found myself wanting to give him every single dirty detail. I wanted to reveal all of the skeletons in my closet. I wanted to reveal me.