The Life She Left Behind

by ChaShiree M.

  I hear the bathroom door open and Ren asks “Are you ready Fae?”

  I turn and look at the man who once pledged his life to me. To protect and love me. I know I deserve his vengeance and more for what I have done. I will try to accept it graciously …but it still hurts knowing what is coming my way.

  “Yes. I’m ready.”

  He leads me out of the bathroom and I finally get to look around. His house is beautiful. Actually, house is too tame word for what it really is; Palatial would be more like it. It’s an open floor plan with marble pillars throughout the whole house. The floors look like you’re walking on heaven. They are marble in a white cloudy design that makes it look like you’re floating in the sky.

  The furniture is pristine and functional in beiges and tan. You can clearly make out a feminine touch in this beautiful home, but not overtly so. I see pieces of Ren in the leather accents, deep rich browns and burgundys. Whoever she is, she has good taste.

  My stomach is aching. My hands are shaking with sweat accumulating on them. I honestly don’t think I will be standing upright in the next few seconds. I feel myself wanting to bolt and look for the fastest way out. As if he knows where my thoughts are headed, he puts me in a chair and grabs my hand to both soothe and warn. God, it feels good to have him touch me. Even this simple handholding.

  “Fata, calm down. Alec please bring him now, we are ready” then hangs up the house phone.

  Using a penetrating stare meant to throw me off balance, I don’t feel his other hand touch me until it is gripping my neck bringing my mouth to his. His mouth slants over mine seeking and probing like a missile looking for its target.

  At my gasp his tongue plunges into my mouth. While pulling my head back at the same time making me gasp even louder and giving him full control over this wonderful torture he is imbuing on me. I have no more fight left in me. All I can do is surrender all I have left and hope at the end there is enough left to slink off into a hole and die with some shred of dignity.

  I want this one memory to bring me warmth and comfort on cold lonely nights. I wrap my arms around his neck and try to climb him to get close enough because only he alone has the power to resuscitate me. I could crawl up under his skin and borough myself inside, away from all the bad memories, darkness and away from what I know is to come, I would do in an instant.

  I continue to cling to him and beg him through wet needy kisses, for mercy. This kiss. Kiss…. kiss. Kiss is so not the word for what is happening between us right now. His tongue is spearing me, claiming me and mouth. Fucking me in such a way that I am more than positive I will cum from the kiss alone if we don’t stop.

  I feel my pussy quiver in anticipation and need; expecting to be brought back to life after years of lying dormant in exile. It feels so right and dangerous because it is all an illusion used to throw me off and confuse me…. Right? I mean, it must be. Isn’t it? I am too scared to hope for anything different, but too worked up to care at this moment. I wonder if he can tell how wet I am. How can he not? I’m all but straddling and humping him at this point. Racing toward my release at a rapid speed, for fear I won’t have this chance again; to either find release or to have it with him, which is the most important part of this equation. I am afraid that I will be ripped from this euphoria and thrown back into the darkness where he plucked me from before I am given something to take to the grave with me.

  “Slow down my beautiful little fairy. Or should I call you nymph right now?” He says with a chuckle.

  “I’ve got you. Dea, I forgot how you respond by going up in flames when I get you under me. Come on baby, breath. We have a visitor coming and he deserves your full attention.”

  He’s petting me, trying to help stoke the inferno that has built up in me. I’m becoming cognizant to the fact that I am mewling and holding onto the lapel of his shirt like it is a lifeline. I know my face can only be the shade of the brightest rouge and I duck my head in embarrassment and shame at the way I have behaved. He rubs my head and continues to rock me back and forth while whispering beautiful, fanciful things in my ear that I won’t allow myself to believe. I use them as anchors to bring me back.

  I let go of him and take a deep breath. My heart is beating so fast you would think I just ran a marathon. I am unable to stop trembling with so much lust and adrenaline, wanting only his mouth back on me. I don’t care that he belongs to someone else now, or that he hates me. I just want to be able to feel one more time.

  Someone knocks at the door and everything starts to flow in slow motion.

  I turn to stand as the door opens and I see the very life I left behind enter the room. My knees can no longer hold me up from the overwhelming feelings of love, sadness and fierce protectiveness that wash over me.

  “Mama”

  REN

  What the fuck do I walk into? Huh. Can you guess? Yea some dead motherfucker with his (about to be broke) fucking hands on my woman. She looked like she was going to throw her drink at him, but fuck that. A drink tossed in his face is not good enough. He has to be made an example of, because touching my woman is a big no-no. I don’t give a fuck that he didn’t know she was taken.

  Is this yahoo serious? He is looking at me like I’m the intruder. He must not have figured out who I am yet. “Did you hear me, asshole? What makes you think you have the right to put your hands on what belongs to me?”

  I glance at Fae after I say that phrase so she knows how serious I am. Because fuck yea, she belongs to me and has since the moment I plucked her young ass off the sidewalk of New York looking for Mulberry St. There has been no one since her. There never will be. She is everything. I would do anything for her. Somehow, I have to get her to know that. But first, I have to get her out of here. Right after I off this fool. Oh shit! When did I start choking his ass? Oh boy, Lucca is about to get twitchy and start his lecturing shit. He hates when I get my hands dirty. I give him the salute to let him know it’s cool. I look over at Fae and she starts her shit, trying to tell me what I have no right to do…Yea, ok. Like I’m going to listen to that shit. “Shut the fuck up Fae. I will deal with your ass in a minute.” If she is smart, then she knows I mean her literal ASS!!!

  I never realized how one word could make a person feel. Hearing it for the first time makes me want to laugh with happiness and fills me with absolute completion.

  “Tony.” I manage to croak out of my throat, because my voice is clogged with too much emotion.

  “Oh, my gosh. Look at my baby. Look at how big you are. My God you’re not even a baby anymore.”

  I know I am hugging him too tight, probably scaring him with the way I’m crying; but I have dreamed of this moment for a very long time and I am unable to contain myself. In my very hands is my whole life. A life I created and gave birth to when I was 17 years old. The same life I had to leave behind for fear of what my father would do to him if he found out of his existence.

  I sit back on my heels and look at my son, who is 8 years old now. He looks just like Ren but with my eyes. I pull him back into my arms and cry. How can I not? He is the light that has been missing from my life, and his father the hole in my heart.

  “Mom you’re squeezing me too tight,” he says with a snicker. I release him enough to hold his hands.

  “Are you leaving again mama?”

  Oh God. How am I going to tell him, my beautiful little boy I helped to create, I won’t be here when he wakes up in the morning?

  “No, figlio. Your mama will never leave you again.”

  I look back at Ren because I want to believe him and for it to be true. I am not sure I believe he will let me continue to be a part of his life. There is still the problem of my father.

  My son looks at me with equal parts hope, trust and trepidation. My heart cracks open.

  “Really mama? Can you tuck me in? Tell me a story? Sleep with me? I missed you so much, where have you been?”

  “My baby. Of course, I will tuck you in, tell you a story and stay with you un
til you fall asleep. Your father and I need to talk first and if or when he decides you can have the answers, I will gladly tell you. Is that ok?” He nods his head and hugs me again.

  I believe this is the best hug I have ever received in my life. It comes from my baby boy who I thought I would never get to see again. With tears rolling down my cheek, I know this moment will live on in my memory forever.

  “Ok Tony time for bed. Show mama to your room, ok?”

  “Fae, Lucca will show you to the room when you are done.” Recognizing the statement and look as a warning against attempting to leave or sneak out, I just nod my head. My heart is too full right now to do anything else.

  “I will be waiting Fata.”

  After helping Tony brush his teeth and put on his pjs, I tuck him in and prepare for the story he picked out. What I don’t anticipate is that his favorite story is the book I read to him the week following my decision to leave him. ‘Good Night Moon’. I am rocked to my core. I know he can’t remember, but the fact that he still reads this, and by looking at the worn-out pages, I can’t help but feel that our bond had been cemented. Those few short weeks locked us together no matter the time apart.

  I remember looking at this little tiny 4-week-old baby thinking how beautiful he is and how in love I am with him. I also remember feeling terrified that my father would show up any minute and take him from me, either by killing Ren and my baby or by trying to raise my son as his own. Either option was scary and prompted me to run.

  I knew if I told Ren and finally confessed everything to him the situation would be taken out of my hands. He would handle it himself and I didn’t want him to get in trouble or get hurt. My heart would not have been able to sustain that. So, as I held my baby and read ‘Good Night Moon’ to him, I vowed to protect him the only way I could think of and that was to leave both of them for their safety.

  “Mama, are you going to read to me now?” “Of course, sweetie.” I spend maybe an hour reading to him and dodging questions about my absence. When I rise to go as he was drifting off, he grabbs my hand to hold me to my spot.

  “Will you tell me about yourself? How has it been being with dad?” The smile he gives me before answering me tells me all I need to know. “He is the best dad ever. He reads to me, does my homework with me, and we have guy nights when he teaches me how to shave my face and we walk around in only our underwear.”

  “Who kisses your booboos and rubs your head when you’re sick? Who gives you hugs just because?”

  “Mom, dad does of all of that, but I imagine its different having a mom do it…huh?”

  While I was pregnant, I knew he would make a great dad because he was so attentive to me and every single movement, groan, or complaint I made. If I had a craving for sauerkraut and peanut butter he would buy it in bulk, even though the craving only lasted for a week or two. He always made sure whatever I wanted was stocked for as long as I wanted it. He took to bathing me in the beginning of my third trimester because he was afraid I would fall asleep in the tub, not trusting me to stay woke. “My whole life is in this tub. I can’t have you going to sleep because you over do it, ending me all because of a bath. Now can we?” That man was everything to me. I never once doubted that I was everything to him.

  I didn’t realize I was having a full-blown crying breakdown until I hear my son say “Mom don’t cry. You’re here now. So, you can do those things now. Right? Right mom?”

  Gathering my strength to speak, “Baby, how about we talk some more tomorrow. I love you my beautiful angel.”

  I kiss him all over his face. I know it can’t make up for my absence but I hope it’s a start. I rub his head until he falls asleep and then prepare to meet my fate. I don’t know what Ren has planned as punishment for my desertion, but I will take it. After looking at the hurt in my son’s eyes, I know I deserve it.

  As I open the door leading out of Tony’s room, I run into a brick wall and exclaim;

  “Lucca!” I run and jump into his arms. This man started out as my bodyguard, later he became a surrogate brother to me after Ren made Alec my guard. Whenever Ren had things to do, Lucca would keep me company. Telling me stories of his life and when he and Ren were young boys. He taught me how to play cards, board games and even how to use the computer.

  “FaeWren. Sorellina, you have been almost impossible to find. We searched for you all over, for a long time.”

  “Lucca, you should have let me stay lost. It’s dangerous having me back here. I had to go to protect all of you.”

  “Whatever is chasing you, you should have let us, your family fight alongside you. If not for you little sister, then for Tony.” He says this as he wipes my tears from my face.

  “Give him a chance, Sorella. He would do anything for you. It almost broke him when you left. The only thing that kept him going was that little boy and his determination to find you.” Hearing this is both joyous and daunting because if I have to leave again, what will he do?

  He waves his arm at me in a gesture telling me to follow him. As I descend the stairs I see pictures that outline my missing presence of my life in absentia. My son as a baby, first day of school, birthday parties, picnics and christenings. All the things I knew I’d miss but never thought I’d be able to see evidence of.

  Before I know it, I am standing in front of a door. My hands start to shake, I really feel like I am going to pass out. Luca winks at me, pats my back, and ushers me in.

  “Take all of your clothes off Fae.”

  I jump back, startled. I go to turn around and he stops me.

  “Don’t’ move Fata. Just strip. I want you naked and bound for what I have planned for you. Did you think you could stay hidden from me forever Il Mia Amore? Was I not to look for you and bring you back to me?”

  I desperately want to shake my head no. He was not supposed to look for me, but I am so turned on right now that I can’t even begin to think of a protest. As I’m sliding my blouse off my back, I feel my nipples grow hard and tight. His voice is so authoritative and commanding. This has always been a weakness for me. I’m trying not to show how turned on I am, but I am sure he knows. My cunt is a throbbing dripping mess of want right now. I need him to use me and make me feel alive. My pussy is dripping like an oil well, slippery and coated to make his entry easy. I need him to put me back together and make me whole with the melodic hum that buzzes through my body when he has brought me to orgasm and kissed me into oblivion.

  His touch is like a drug all by itself making me vibrate with need for my next fix so I can reach that space called ecstasy.

  REN

  Fuck! I forgot how hot she is. I mean, I remembered of course. Getting to see her heat up in the flesh is so much better than anything my mind tried to conjure. God, I love that sight. I love how her alabaster skin starts to flush from her smooth soft stomach, up to her perfect little pixie nose. I don’t know if I ever told her, her nose is the reason I called her fairy from the first moment I laid eyes on her. She was so small and timid. She reminded me of tinker bell.

  Her body turns this alluring shade of crimson when she is excited. Being present for that transformation and knowing it is all for me, makes me feel like Tarzan. Which is why finding her at that bar with someone else almost sent me FUBAR. I was seconds away from going nuclear. I might have if I hadn’t realized she was trying to get away from him. You have no idea how possessive I feel over this woman. She is the very blood that is pumping through my veins, the air that expels thru my lungs every day, and the thought that I couldn’t have her…Well let’s just say… No one wants to be around if it ever happens.

  I’m so worked up right now. All I want to do is pound something, like her. I have an overwhelming urge to go and start a fight. Work out the tightness and rage that is bubbling up inside me right now. It’s like a live wire about to detonate. I plan to punish her, but with the way I’m feeling, I’m not entirely sure I wouldn’t hurt her. That is a no go.

  As I look at her sitting in my car,
I wonder if she knows, how close to danger she really is. She is basically sitting in the car with an explosive, and I bet she can’t even tell? I feel my emotions humming below the surface and she is the in their path right now. Trying to convince me to let her go, has me seeing red like a god damn bull. I am trying hard to control myself.

  I gave her a chance to speak. A chance to tell me why she left. All she could do is try to convince me to let her leave.

  “Ren, I wish I could tell you. It’s better for everyone if you let me disappear again. Forget you ever found me.” The whole time she’s talking …I know she is not this fucking bent. She is not dumb enough to be saying this to me. Is she not in love with me anymore? I dispelled that shit quickly. If she wasn’t, I don’t give a fuck, she is MINE! However, I clearly see the love and anguish showing on her face. It has to be something else holding her back and making her run.

  As a man used to getting what I want, she has to know I will not stop until I get the answers to what has her spooked. I will eliminate it just like I do any and all threats. Nothing will keep us apart again. No matter what it is and that includes her.

  Pulling into the driveway, excitement overtakes me. This is the first time she is stepping foot in the house we started building in anticipation of the family we wanted. I hope she likes it.

  Walking through the foyer, it has occurred to me that she might not remember or recognize the aesthetic she picked while being pregnant. She would sit in the nursery for hours, rocking in the chair looking at home décor magazines. She would fall asleep in that chair. The book covering her burgeoning belly, having tabbed off or circled items with furniture she liked. I never bothered asking her questions or looking over her shoulder. I knew she would make us a beautiful home. I trusted her. Which is what made her disappearance all the more hurtful.