Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

Thunder rumbled in the distance, and the guests started to trickle in from outside. I watched as Mrs. Foster scurried to the front entrance and spoke with the doorman. He then slipped away, and someone else took his place at the door. At some point after an hour, I had lost Cassie and I had grown tired of the event already. Maybe if I had brought an actual date, perhaps I’d feel differently.

  As I stood there scanning the masked faces, I realized that Mason wasn’t among them. Disappointment set in quickly. After the other night, I felt the need to speak with him about some of the things that were said. Explain to him he didn’t need to choose, not yet. There was no reason for an ultimatum—it wasn’t fair. I realized that now. My feelings had controlled me for long enough, and I had to be fair to him as well as myself. I spotted a server walking around with flutes filled with Cristal, and grabbed a glass.

  Slowly I backed into a corner, taking a moment to myself, watching the crowd gather in groups; some laughing, others in deep conversation. I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not even notice Nick come up behind me.

  “Evening Lauren,” his said, as he slipped his arm around my waist standing next to me. I jumped startled but quickly recovered. I glanced over at him with a smile. Nick looked dashing as ever in his dark-teal suit, a pale-teal tie and black mask; his blue eyes gave him away immediately.

  “ Evening, Nick.” A smile widened across my ruby lips, a little relieved that I wasn’t alone anymore. “What gave me away?” I asked.

  “Do you want the obvious answer?” He s miled, bashfully. I looked away to avoid his stare. IT was awkwardly quiet now and it was making me nervous so I just started talking again.

  “Did you just arrive?” I asked , looking over at him again. “Yes,” he replied, stopping a server with a tray of filled champagne flutes as she walked by. But before I was able to ask him anything else, someone called out his name. We both looked in the same direction as the man waved him over. “Excuse me.” He said apologetically then took a few steps. Then he turned back. “The dress is remarkable by the way.” As he walked back towards me, he caught me by surprise when he leaned in close, his hand caressing the small of my back as he kissed my cheek.

  My breath hitched. Slowly he retracted and our eyes met. My heart fluttered wildly and my cheeks flared red. It took several minutes for the goosebumps to disappear. He then turned on one heel and walked towards the man that called him over. The grin on my face was hard to hide. It also didn’t help that he was constantly glancing in my direction, smiling.

  Why I continued to pine over Mason, when he was clearly not interested was beyond me. It was easy to see how sweet and sexy Nick obviously was. I pried my glaring eyes away from him for a moment to look around for Cassie, only to catch myself looking back at Nick. Every time I did, he smiled and I felt my cheeks burn hotter every time.

  Then, as I made my way around I spotted out of the corner of my eye, on the opposite side of the room, I saw him. My lips parted and my heart thudded in my chest. Mason was standing in front of his mother, and it looked as though the two were having a heated conversation. I watched as she continued to fix his collar because it was unbuttoned leaving his emerald-coloured tie loose. Mason kept slapping her hands away. Then on her last attempt to fix his collar he caught her hand and held it. I was able to read his lips. “Stop” was all he said, and then he let go. His mother shook her head, turning away. It was evident that she was upset. My eyes darted briefly towards the ballroom, a quick escape before he spotted me. The orchestra’s tempo picked up and the guests started to couple up as they walked into the center of the dance floor. A heavy sigh slowly released through my slightly parted lips. Then I turned to find Mason again, watching him and eagerly waiting for him to turn and notice me, but he never did. A blond woman then walked up to him, linking her arm with his, and together they walked. My eyes fluttered profusely, and I felt the glass in my hand begin to slip.

  “There you are.” Nick caught the glass, taking it from me and placing it on the table against the wall.

  “Nick—” I gasped, my eyes filling with tears and I nervously spun around to face him putting my back in Mason’s direction.

  “May I have this dance?” he asked, holding out his hand. I couldn’t help but smile and wouldn’t pass up a chance to dance with him because of Mason.

  “Yes,” I replied, accepting his hand.

  With ease and perfection Nick glided me along the shiny dance floor. At first my eyes were locked on his, and I felt a sudden charge of electricity fill me. Nick excited me in a way I never thought possible. He was charming, sexy and sweeter than Mason. I needed to stop comparing them since there was no comparison. The two brothers were as different as night and day and no matter how hard I tried not to, my eyes caught a glimpse’s of Mason as he roamed around the room, and my heart pounded. I couldn’t believe how eager I was for him to notice me. Apparently, just the thought of him seeing me drove my heart into overdrive.

  “You’re distracted,” Nick expressed disappointedly. I knew I should have kept my attention on Nick as he twirled me around the dance floor, but I just couldn’t get my mind off Mason. I gave Nick a thin smile as I thought of a way to apologize. “It’s Mason, isn’t it?” He sighed, our pace slowing.

  “I’m sorry, Nick.” I sighed, relaxing a little. “I know it’s ridiculous of me to continue to pursue him even when I know he isn’t interested but—” My eyes glanced away for a second and I caught Mason’s stare. My breath halted and my eyes immediately downcast, I pulled away from Nicks embrace. Mason stood watching us with a crystal glass in one hand, and the other hand stuffed in the pocket of his pants. Nick’s hands dropped to his side as he turned to follow my stare. As usual, Mason had a smirk on his face, a look that said we were caught red-handed. Dancing with Nick was hardly anything for Mason to be upset about.

  Nick didn’t stand around to watch.

  “Nick—” When I looked back, he was gone. I cursed under my breath, and was about to head towards Mason, but he had disappeared.

  “There you are!” Cassie said, steadying me as I lost balance. “What is wrong?” She asked; a look of concern on her face.

  “Mason,” I groaned, looking around.

  “He’s here?” She sighed. “What did he say to you this time?” She asked placing her hands on her hips.

  “Nothing, he said nothing.” I gulped. “I haven’t even spoken to him yet.”

  “Yet? Lauren, come on, let it go,” she pleaded with me. “He is selfabsorbed and a jerk he isn’t worth your time and effort.” I shrugged turning away as my lips quivered.

  “Why is it that I’m wearing red and nobody else is, Cassie?” I asked. Cassie screwed her lips as my head tilted with curiosity. I folded my arms across my chest.

  “Nobody else wore red because it was usually what your family wore in the past,” she answered. My mouth dropped and my eyes welled, blinking a few tears out. “I’m sorry, Lauren. I should have told you.” She hugged me.

  “So he knew it was me, then,” I said, backing away.

  “Probably,” she replied, biting her lip.

  I pressed my trembling lips tight. “And . . . that’s what Nick meant by the obvious answer,” I said recalling the conversation. “I need some air,” I said, walking away.

  The garden path was lit up with a canopy of bright white emitting diode lights along the interlocking path. I walked halfway down, took a seat in a dry spot on a bench practically ripping off my mask to wipe the tears from my cheek. I should have been more furious with Cassie, but I wasn’t. It had slipped my mind that each family that did RSVP to these events chose the colour that represented their family, ours was always red. I should have remembered that. I buried my face in my hands. Then I heard footsteps, quickly I wiped my face, looking in the opposite direction of the couple heading my way. Other guests had the same idea—a walk in the garden. As I got to my feet, I started to follow, far behind, the couple up ahead losing them in the darkness beyond the path. Eventually, I turne
d and walked back. I was afraid of what I might find if I walked any further.

  When I returned to the party, I grabbed another drink, took my place next to a pillar in the ballroom and watched everyone else dance and enjoy themselves. This time I wanted to make sure that nobody crept up on me so I leaned back against the wall. I opened my purse to look at the time on my phone; almost midnight. My shoulders slumped. Where had the time gone? I hadn’t realized that I spent that much time in the garden.

  Then out of the corner of my eye, as I glanced up, I saw Charlie walk in the door. I stepped forward and quickly scanned the crowd for Cassie. When I spotted her, I started walking over, until I noticed with whom she was speaking and then stopped short.

  She was scolding Mason, and he stood there, staring at the ground. My brow furrowed and I wanted to interrupt, but then Mason’s face turned to anger and his arms flailed, followed by some obvious heated words, then he walked away barrelling past the people standing around. My eyes followed him to the bar, where he grabbed a bottle of Cristal, then headed out the patio doors. I looked back at Cassie, who stood there with her arms crossed, shaking her head. It was too late to warn her about Charlie. He had already reached her, grabbed her arm, turning her around. I stood watching with envious eyes at the affection shared between them. As they embraced I turned and walked away.

  With a heavy heart and a big sigh, I grabbed a full glass from the server and went out the same door as Mason. To give myself a little closure, I needed to know how he felt about me, once and for all. The worst thing was having feelings for someone without knowing if the feelings were returned. I know he tried to tell me to get over him but his eyes told me a different story. Cassie and Nick tried to make me see it too but I need to feel it from Mason. I walked along the path to the gazebo strung up with lights. The sound of my heels gave me away as I approached.

  “Stalking me again ?” he said, before turning to face me, his smile thin. With all my power I refrained from saying something rude in return.

  “ I never thought I’d resort to that, but since you won’t talk to me . . .” I smirked and slowly walked closer. “I don’t know what I have done wrong.”

  “I figured I was pretty clear on that .” His eyes narrowed, and a sneer formed on his face.

  My heart ached. The tears were threatening to betray me. “I don’t get you, Mason!” I blurted.

  He scowled. “What’s not to get, Lauren?” He walked towards me, taking a drink from the bottle. My eyes stared at the dribble of liquid on his bottom lip as it caught the light.

  “Everything,” I replied, averting my eyes. “You are so cold and hurtful one minute, and then the next you are passionate—”

  He interjected, “Do you need me to spell it out for you, Lauren?” He growled, shoving his face in mine. My eyes widened in shock. Why did he treat me like this?

  “Just stop it!” I shouted, glad that my voice was drowned out by the music. I took off my mask. “I don’t understand why, but I have feelings for you, Mason.”

  “Go—away, Lauren.” He groaned and turned away from me, taking a long swig of the bottle.

  “No!” I retorted, grabbing his arm. “I see the way you look at me, Mason, and I can feel it when you kiss me. Why can’t you just admit it?”

  He tried to keep his voice even. “Christ, Lauren—take a hint,” he snarled. “I have never had so much trouble getting rid of a girl before.” He ran his fingers through his hair with his free hand.

  His words were like a slap across my face. “Wow,” I gasped, biting my lip, begging the tears to wait. “You’re an asshole.”

  “Yes, I am!” he hissed. “So why don’t you just leave me alone.” He looked me in the eye, his voice calm, and his face inches from mine. I stood there, staring at him, nodding my head, the tears on the brink of bursting. “Well.” His head jerked back, and he stared at me as if to say what are you waiting for?

  “Okay,” I said, lips trembling. “I’m sorry that I bothered you.”

  “I’m not looking for an apology. Just—go away,” he replied. The look on his face was filled with pain and regret. I was afraid to blink for fear of tears streaming down my face. Then I saw his top lip twitch; his face was giving him away. He did care but I didn’t understand why he was hiding it. Before I left him standing there, I made one last attempt at getting the truth out of him. I grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him. I heard hi breath hitch he was surprised. Then it took seconds for him to grab my one wrist, with his free hand, and pry my hands from his face, but then I heard him whimper. The next thing I heard was the bottle dropping from his hand, and crashing to the ground, as he wrapped his arms around me. I felt my heart hit me in the chest as the passion poured out of both of us. I had known all along he was fighting it. This was my last shot at making him show it. His hand cupped the back of my head as he pressed his lips hard against mine. I couldn’t catch my breath as our lips locked. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. He grabbed both of my arms and pulled them down hard, shoving me away from him.

  “Are you just about done?” He scowled, breathy. My eyes blinked and I felt my head twitch, shocked.

  The mask slid from my hand, landing on the floor by my feet in the spilt champagne. I couldn’t look at him anymore. The tears were ready to burst. I turned before the tears hit my cheeks, and ran back inside. I didn’t stop until I reached the front doors. I couldn’t look anyone in the face. That must have been what he and Cassie were fighting about earlier. I was the fool, and he proved that tonight. For the first time in my life, I had fallen for someone who had little interest in me—or at least pretended to. I didn’t understand it and I wasn’t about to continue to try to figure it out either. I continued walking until the music was a faint sound in the distance. The tears continued to drench my cheeks. Then I realized I had forgotten my purse inside the hall somewhere, and that was where my cell phone was. Even though it was painful, I turned around and made the short trek back to the hall.

  Back at the party, nobody had even noticed that I had stormed out. I avoided eye contact, tilting my head forward to let my hair cover my face as I searched for my purse. I was sure my make-up had run, but I didn’t have the time to check it. I just wanted to find my purse and go home. However, because I was in such a hurry, I bumped into someone, turning automatically to apologize, when I came face-to-face with Mason. It felt as though everything was going in slow motion as our eyes met. I gasped, shocked and unable to move, clenching a fist against my chest. Mason’s brow furrowed, and he stared down at me with pained watery eyes. His mouth parted slightly. Then as he tried to say something, his breath caught in his throat, and he stood there, wide-eyed, before backing away. I exhaled, realizing I had been holding my breath the entire time. I turned and ran to the bathroom. The evidence of my pain was all over my face.

  “Damn it ,” I gasped and covered with paper towel gently dabbing at the streaks of mascara. It took a few minutes, but I managed to make myself look presentable. When I came out of the bathroom, I saw Nick searching for someone and before I avoided him I noticed my purse was in his hands. I closed my eyes and sighed.

  “Nick,” I said, walking towards him.

  “There you are. I found your purse on the step outside and a broken bottle at the gazebo. Are you all right?” he asked. I nodded and smiled thinly, cupping my hand over his. He held out my purse, I grabbed it, and then turned around to leave.

  “Are you leaving?” he asked. Slowly turning back towards him, I nodded. He looked around the room, then back at me. “Would you like me to take you home?” he asked.

  “No,” I blurted. “I’m just going to take a cab.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Lauren.” He reached for my arm, but I backed away, shaking my head.

  My breath hitched. “I can’t,” I whispered, feeling the tears begin to well again. I turned and walked away from him.

  “Lauren,” he called, but I continued walking.

  I was tired of feeling hurt and disap
pointed. What I should have done was stick to my guns and avoided dating all together. I knew I wasn’t ready.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Sunday went by quickly. Most of it was spent in my room, sleeping or avoiding my mother. I was in no mood to explain how I made a fool of myself at the masquerade ball. I heard her knock on my bedroom door a few times, but I never answered. My cell was turned off; I wasn’t in the mood for Cassie either. Then I saw that she had she stopped by, but my mother turned her away, thankfully. My mother tried to lure me to the kitchen with my favourite hazelnut coffee and double-stuffed chocolate fudge cookies, but when I refused, she brought it up to my room. Being humiliated made me want to move back to L.A. Matt had never left me feeling this way. I found myself longing for him once again. It may have been a year, but the pain felt like only yesterday that he had died.

  It was after six when I finally pulled on a pair of jogging pants and a sweater, and then went for a jog. Stopping only once I reached the gravel parking lot of the forest leading to the waterfall. I made my way across the parking lot towards the forest glancing around a few times, to see if anyone else was there. When the coast was clear, I made my way through the brush, walking deep into the forest, jogging again, burning off the anger and pain that festered within me. The mist from the waterfall caressed my cheek as I got closer to the waterfall. As it came into view I stopped and stood far from the water. I just stared at it, my heart slowing its pace. “Why are you back?” Matt appeared. I screeched and turned to face him. “This place is dangerous. It has tried to take your life on more than one occasion, darling.”

  “I needed to see you,” I gasped, as the tears filled my eyes. “You have to stop searching for me. You need to start a new

  life, without me, my love.” He sighed.

  “I don’t want to.” I dropped to my knees, sobbing. “Things are

  too hard.”

  “You are making it harder than it needs to be.” He moved

  closer.