Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  “What does that even mean?” I replied angrily. Matt’s ghost

  started to dissipate. “Matt! No, please don’t go. I don’t want to be

  alone anymore!” My fingers kneaded the fallen leaves and soil as I

  fell to the ground.

  When Monday morning came, I chose to stay in bed again. There was nothing else for me to do. When I turned on my cell phone, all the messages started flooding in. I scrolled through the texts. Most were from Cassie, a few from Mike. I stuffed my phone back into my nightstand drawer and fell back asleep. Around noon Mrs. Peterson called and asked if I could work. With little hesitation, I agreed because I needed the distraction. After getting dressed, I went for a jog on the beach. Subconsciously, I hoped I would run into Mason, since this was a place was supposed to be peaceful to him. A glutton for punishment, I know. Luckily, he was not there, and I jogged longer than I intended to. When I got home, I ate, got ready for work and then left.

  Being at work was the best distraction I could have asked for. It also helped when Mike invited me to his place after work, with everyone else. Happily I accepted the invitation, for that night and the few more nights that followed. I knew being around them would take my mind off everything else. What I discovered about Mike was he was into Jennifer but not the way she was into him. She was falling hard for him but he still had wondering eyes. I didn’t make it my business to point it out. I had only known them for a few weeks so getting involved in what they wanted everyone to see as a relationship was their business.

  Eventually, jogging on the beach or in the forest became a habit. I was desperate to run into Mason. I wanted to see him badly. Before I knew it, the week was over, and the new week had begun. I did everything I could to force Mason out of my mind. Alcohol helped a bit.

  When I had finally returned Cassie’s texts, I explained that I

  needed space. Being around her and possibly running into Mason was just too much. I assured her that it was temporary. She didn’t respond so I assumed she was pissed at me.

  On my way home one morning, after spending the night at Sam’s, I stopped at the gas station to get gas. I pulled up to the first gas pump, lifted the nozzle, pressed the trigger then leaned back on the car watching the numbers flip me into a trance, as it filled the tank.

  “Hey , you,” someone said, pulling me out of my daydream. Startled, I turned to see who it was. “Nick—hi.” I gulped. “How’ve you been?” he asked, stuffing his hands in his pant

  pockets, leaning against the gas pump.

  “Okay.” I smiled and shrugged.

  “That’s good,” his said with a forced smile.

  “Uh, h—how have you been?” I asked, a little nervous. My

  eyes darted to the pump, watching the numbers again. “Better, since Mason left.” He chuckled, running his fingers

  through his hair and glancing over his shoulder. When he looked

  back at me, he saw the look on my face. Mason had never told me

  he was leaving town. Many thoughts ran through my mind. “He.

  Never. Told. You?” His head went back a little, and he inhaled.

  The pump clicked to a stop, forcing me to look up at it. Then my

  head slowly shook as I look back at Nick.

  “When did he leave?” I asked, my voice broken.

  “Uh—the night of the masquerade,” his replied, head tilted

  slightly. “My mother tried to talk him out of it, but he was drunk

  and kept muttering that he had to get away. My father was a bit

  surprised when he arrived in the middle of the night.”

  “Where does your father live?” I asked.

  “Bellingham . . . Washington.”

  “Oh.” I bit my bottom lip. “Was it b—because of me?” I asked,

  fighting the tears. His brow furrowed and his lip twitched. “No. That would be a stupid reason for him to leave. If

  anything, it should have made him stay.” He reached out, taking

  my hand, his thumb brushing over my knuckles.

  I nodded my head, trying to smile. The gas attendant’s voice

  came out of the speaker above our heads.

  “Is there a problem?” he asked. I turned and looked over at the

  kiosk, shaking my head.

  “It was good to see you, Nick.” I said, letting go of his hand.

  After replacing the nozzle on its hook, I walked towards the kiosk. “Yeah . . . you too.” He said. “Hey.” He called out and I turned

  to look at him. “Cassie is worried about you.”

  I nodded. “I’ll call her later,” I said.

  “I’ll tell her,” he said.

  When I got home afterwards, my mother was in the den. She looked up over her book and glared at me. I cowered, realizing I had not checked in at all this past week. Slowly, I made my way into the room, taking a seat next to her.

  “I’m sorry ,” I said immediately.

  Her eyes glared. “All I ask is for you to give me a heads-up, Lauren. You are living under my roof again. I don’t want to worry

  that something has happened to you when you don’t come home for a week and don’t answer your phone.” She put the book down on her lap and crossed her arms.

  “ About my phone,” I grumbled. “I lost it, and then when I found it, it was dead.”

  “I see.” She got up from the chair with the book in her hand. “A package came for you,” she said, placing her book, open and face down, on the coffee table.

  “A package?” I followed her down the hall.

  “Yes, it’s on the counter.” She walked up the stairs.

  “Who is it from?” I asked, standing at the base of the staircase. She shrugged, and then disappeared.

  I went into the kitchen and grabbed the package on the counter, then pulled the scissors out of the rack. I cut it open, and reached inside. A silky fabric was in the envelope. I pulled it out and placed it on the counter. I stared at it then as I unfolded the silk tears filled my eyes; it was my mask. Also inside the envelope was a letter. Slowly, I unfolded the paper. I couldn’t believe my eyes and what timing, really.

  He wasn’t even in town and he was making me cry.

  Lauren, I know this isn’t going to make any sense, but you deserve the truth. I’m not perfect. I know I have made mistakes. I promise you, I never meant to do those things to you. But if I let myself fall for you, I don’t think I’ll ever recover. I’ll never be the same, and that scares me. What you feel—SCARES me.

  I hope you can understand and respect the choice I’ve made.

  M I covered my face, holding back the tears. What a coward he was. At least I tried. I put myself out there again even though I never wanted to. I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved, but then he died. I didn’t get a choice, but I tried, again. I should have listened to Cassie.

  Speaking of Cassie, it was about time I got back to her.

  4:40 p.m. Me: Hey, Cass, sorry it’s taken me this long to talk to you. Are you free tonight? It was like watching paint dry as I waited for her reply. With my arms on the table, I laid my head down, dozing off a little. Then as soon as I heard the familiar ring tone I sat up, answering.

  “Cassie,” I answered. She told me she was outside my house. I grabbed my jacket on the way to the door.

  “Hey,” I said, walking towards her.

  “We’ve missed you.” She held out her arms, pulling me in for a hug as I got closer.

  I sighed. “I’ve missed you too.”

  “Are you working tonight?” she asked.

  “Yeah, but I am off Thursday and Saturday if you want to get together,” I answered.

  “Do you work late?” She asked.

  “Until close. Then I usually go to the bar with the crew after work,” I replied.

  She asked, “What bar?”

  “Shattered.” My brow furrowed.

  “If you go tonight, then call me. We’ll meet you
there,” she said. I looked at her, then over at Charlie. Was she serious?

  “It’s not your kind of place,” I replied.

  “What kind of place is that, Lauren?” she asked, crossing her arms.

  “Well, it’s nothing like Gravity, and the crowd, well—there is little to be desired,” I replied.

  “You think I can’t blend in with your new friends?” She acted as though I had insulted her.

  My mouth dropped, and I felt as if I was being attacked. This was not Cassie at all. “That’s not what I—”

  “Just call me if you go,” she said, then got in the car.

  “O—okay, I will,” I said and stepped back from the car as Charlie pulled out, both of them waving as the car drove away. I stood there a little longer, wondering if Cassie was up to something. Normally, she wasn’t so—short with me. I glanced at my watch; three hours before I had to start work. I went back in the house and turned on the television for a bit.

  Later that night after work, Mike did invite me to go out with the group to Shattered. I almost declined. I knew if I showed up there without telling Cassie, it wouldn’t be a coincidence that she happened to pop in and find me there, and then she’d be furious. I hummed and hawed over the idea of inviting her all night.

  “A close friend of mine said she was going to join us tonight,” I said. “I haven’t seen her for a while, so she wants to catch up,” I added.

  “It’s all good , Lauren. The more the merrier,” he said, patting my shoulder as he came in from the back area.

  “Cool,” I said and sat at the table by the kitchen, waiting for everyone, sending off a text to Cassie at the same time.

  10:49 p.m. Me: So I’ll meet you there just after eleven?

  10:51 p.m. Cassie: We are already here.

  10:55 p.m. Me: Okay. Then I will just head over now.

  10:56 p.m. Cassie: See you soon.

  Good thing I texted her, if I had shown up without contacting her there would be hell to pay. I went to the back to let Mike know that I was heading out and that I’d meet them there. He nodded and then continued cleaning the grill. Jennifer asked if she could come along. Apparently she was in dire need of a drink and fast. I agreed with a smile. Then we walked out to my car.

  The bartender smiled and waved as we walked in. I had been coming here a lot lately, so she recognized me right away. Jennifer walked up to get a drink, and I searched for Cassie. I heard my name and noticed someone was waving me over. Cassie was sitting with Rebecca. I smiled and took a seat.

  “Hey.” “I love this place , very rustic,” Rebecca said, sipping her umbrella drink. I smirked, and then looked at Cassie.

  “How have you been?” I asked and looked around for Jen.

  “Good,” Cassie replied. “What’s wrong?”

  “Oh, I was just looking for my friend. I left her at the bar. I’ll be right back,” I said and got up.

  When I returned to the table with Jennifer, all the seats were filled. Charlie, Trevor and Nick had joined them. I stared at the sea of smiling faces. Wasn’t expecting to see Nick with the crowd tonight.

  “Hey ,” Charlie said over the music. “Grab a chair.” I turned and asked the group of girls behind us if I could steal a chair. Jennifer and I shared the seat.

  “Did you want to play pool ? There are two tables left,” I asked, thumbing over my shoulder.

  “Sure,” Nick replied with a thin smile. I got the feeling that Nick also didn’t know that I was going to be here.

  “I’ll pay for the tables. You go sit over there before someone else does,” I said and got up, walking away.

  From my peripheral vision, I watched as they made their way over to the two empty pool tables. My nerves calmed knowing Cassie wasn’t up to anything. However, seeing Nick was a little nerve racking. Once I paid for the table the bartender handed me the rack and balls. I carried the two sets over to the tables. Ten minutes later Mike, Sam and Kelly walked in. I spotted them first and walked to greet them by the bar, then walked back to the tables.

  “Mike, Sam, Kelly, this is my best friend, Cassie; her boyfriend, Charlie and their friends Rebecca, Trevor and Nick.” I pointed to them individually. Everyone nodded and shook hands, chatted a moment before grabbing a cue to start playing.

  We mixed up the teams this time—Cassie’s idea.

  “Okay—me and Kelly.” Cassie smiled at her. “Charlie and Mike.” Both guys nodded. “That takes care of this table. What’s your name again, Hun?” Cassie asked, pointing to Jennifer.

  “Jennifer.” she drew her name out. Her head turned, and she looked at me. I shrugged, screwing my lips bashfully. Cassie was awfully bossy tonight.

  “Right, you and Trevor, Nick and Lauren.” I smiled thinly, then walked over to the bar stool and took a seat. That explains why she wanted to set the teams. It had nothing to do with getting to know my new friends.

  “You can break first,” I said to Jennifer and Trevor. Nick stood next to me but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous about being around me or if he just didn’t care anymore. I had been a bit jaded since the whole Mason debacle. Nick heard me mutter curses under my breath as I scolded myself for thinking about Mason again. “Are you talking to yourself?” He chuckled.

  “No.” I laughed, gulping. “Just thinking out loud, I guess.”

  “Okay then.” He smirked, taking a sip of his beer. I watched as his lips wrapped around the bottle. The muscles in his jaw tighten as he swallowed and then Trevor called out that it was Nick’s turn breaking me out of my little trance. I turned my head, looking anywhere but at Nick. I watched as he took a shot, along with the next three.

  “Nice job, partner,” I said, holding out my hand. He gently slapped it, and then stood next to me, discussing what I should do next.

  Jennifer chuckled, and I looked at Nick with an arched brow.

  “Oh, by the way, Lauren is a lot better than she lets on,” Mike said, pointing over at me. Trevor laughed. Mike added, “Seriously, our first night playing pool, she almost cleared the entire table on first break.” Then Trevor stopped laughing and turned to look at me. I shrugged, smiling.

  “Glad you’re on my team,” Nick said smirking and craned his neck to look at me, then gave me a playful nudge. I couldn’t help but smile.

  We played pool until last call. T hat’s when Cassie and Charlie left to dance. Kelly and Sam followed moments later. Mike grabbed a round of drinks for everyone before it was too late. Trevor and Rebecca disappeared not too long after that. I sat listening to Nick and Mike, who were getting along real well surprisingly. They were talking about boats. Apparently, Mike inherited one from his grandfather, and according to Nick he knew everything there was to know about boats. I listened to them banter back and forth, and then make a brief agreement about getting together to fish. I wasn’t sure if Nick was agreeing to this because he was drunk or if he was serious. Then after exchanging numbers, Mike was interrupted by some guy. The two of them took a walk, leaving Nick and I alone.

  “Do you really like fishing?” I asked Nick when he was close enough.

  “Absolutely. When I was a kid my father took me all the time,” he said, rubbing his hand down his jaw.

  “Really?” I replied. He nodded and drank the rest of his beer. Just then the DJ made an announcement that the last song of the night was dedicated to all those in love out there. The song that followed sent chills up my spine.

  “Would you like to dance?” he asked, turning to face me. I couldn’t help but nod. He led me to the dance floor sliding his arm around my waist and pulling me close. Cassie saw us and smiled. The feel of his hand on the small of my back gave me butterflies. I placed my hand in his palm, our cheeks touching. His chest pressed gently against mine, and I hoped he couldn’t feel my heart pounding in my chest.

  “You look really good tonight,” he said, turning to look at me.

  “Thank you.” I blushed. “So do you. I like that colour on you.”

  Ou
r eyes locked for a long, tense moment, and then he spoke.

  “Sorry about the other day at the gas station—”

  “Don’t—mention it.” I interjected shaking my head, dismissing it. I looked over his shoulder at the other couples as they gazed into each other’s eyes. My heart sank.

  “I’m not—sorry that I ran into you, though,” he whispered, his breath tickling my neck. I choked back the gasp that tried to escape. I moved closer to keep from looking at him, and then I felt his cheek against mine again. The song ended abruptly as the DJ made another announcement.

  “That’s all, folks. Drive home safe. Cabs are out front, and we hope to see you again tomorrow night for karaoke!” He cheered. The music stopped completely after that, and all that could be heard was the chatter of the crowd. The staff started cleaning up and bouncers rounded everyone up, leading everyone to the front door. Nick still held me in his arms. Our eyes locked again, and I was inching closer, wanting to feel his lips on mine.

  “Ready?” he asked staring. I smiled then nodded.

  “Where’s Mike?” Sam asked.

  “I don’t know. He was with some guy earlier. I guess they haven’t come back,” I replied, looking around.

  “I’ll wait around for Mike. You guys go ahead,” Jennifer said, a look of worry on her face.

  “Are you sure? I could—”

  She interjected, “No, its fine,” she said, then walked away, but I didn’t want her to be alone. What if Mike had left already? I followed her to the bathroom.

  “I will wait with you just in case Mike doesn’t come back.” I touched her shoulder.

  “Thanks, Lauren. You’re a good friend.” She sighed, relieved. “I just have to use the bathroom. I’ll meet you outside.”

  “Okay,” I said and turned to leave. When I got back to the table, I was surprised to see Nick still waiting there. “Hey.” My brow furrowed.

  “Everything okay?” he asked, walking over to me.

  “Yes. I’m just going to wait outside with Jennifer, make sure Mike didn’t ditch her,” I replied as I put on my jacket.

  “Are they together?” Nick asked.

  “I don’t know for sure. I think they are definitely sleeping together.” I shrugged. “Why? Are you interested?”