Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  “Is this what you were doing earlier?” I asked, walking past him farther into the room. I spun around to face him again with a big smile. He nodded slowly. “It’s beautiful,” I said and kissed him again. He smiled, but something was off about it. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” he said and averted his eyes. I eyed him as he walked away. “Would you like a drink?” he asked. Nick poured two glasses then made a quick toast. We clinked our glasses. Then as I sipped mine, he gulped down his entire glass.

  “Nick, tell me what’s wrong. Why did you really bring me here?” I asked, putting my glass down.

  “I’m just nervous,” he said, clearing his throat.

  “About?”

  “Tonight,” he answered.

  My eyes narrowed, confused. “I don’t understand.”

  “Us.” His tongue darted out, licking his lips. “We haven’t been ‘together’ together.” He blushed.

  “Oh.” I blushed too. He moved closer and once again my body shivered. The way he was devouring me with his eyes turned me on. I felt his hands run up my arms, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its path.

  “I wanted tonight to be special.” He leaned in to kiss me. I caressed his face, slowly sliding my hands into his hair. His kiss was magical, I wasn’t sure if I could stay in control. The way his lips connected with mine ignited me.

  Slowly he unzipped my dress. The tips of his fingers tickle my back gripping the fabric, dragging it over my shoulders, as his lips connecting with my skin. My lips part as a breath darted out.

  His tongue traced along my neck, grazing my ear. I gasped, and my head went back, our lips brushing against each other. Resisting him was impossible. His nearness alone drove my insides crazy. I knew for sure that his attraction was unmistakable. I wiggled out of my dress, and it landed on the floor at my feet. Nick’s hands ran up my thighs, his nails gently scraping along my goosebumped flesh. I moaned, tightening the grip around his neck.

  “I missed you,” he said through our pressed lips.

  My eyes fluttered with the beat of my heart. “I missed you too,” I choked, looking at him. “Nick Porter . . . I think I’m falling for you,” I stuttered. He smiled. Then his kiss was hard and eager. His hands gripped my backside, lifting me off the ground, and carried me over to the bed laying me down, then crawled on top, lifting my arms above my head as his lips caressed my naked flesh. The connection of our skin sent a mixture of emotions straight through me: desire, lust and excitement. Everywhere he touched I felt a sizzling, burning feeling, and my breath kept coming in short with every touch. From the way his hands moved, it was evident that our desires were mutual. I reached up and pulled him close, grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it over his head. My hands ran down his chest. Nick anchored his palms on either side of my head, hovering over me. His beautiful crystal-blue eyes focused. His mouth slightly parted as his breath escaped, uneven.

  Then his face changed. His eyes watered, and his jaw clenched.

  “I love you,” he whispered emotionally. My eyes welled, and my breath became rapid, along with my heart. The sound of those three words shocked me that I didn’t respond right away. I only stared at him, in my head repeating, “I love you too” but the words would not come out. I reached up took his face in my hands and pulled him down for a kiss, wrapping my arms around him as the tears escaped.

  “I love you too,” I cried, through our pressed lips. My hands dragged down his sides and across his waist. His breath hitched as I undid his belt. He kissed me hard.

  In sitting up, he stood off the bed, letting his pants fall to the ground, as I moved back a little then he crawled back on the bed, running his hands up my legs, his lips trailing along. He tucked his fingers under the band of my lace panties, dragging across to my hips then slowly pulling them down. I bit my lip nervously.

  Eagerly, he moved towards me, kissing me as he took my bra off. Playfully I bit his bottom lip, as his hand brushed across my chest. Anxiously I gripped his waist, slid my hands in his boxers and began pulling them down. His nails dragged along my thigh as he lifted my leg, moving in. It was good, better than good and I didn’t want it to end. I was a little nervous when I felt his length, worried that I wouldn’t be able to take him but he fit, beautifully.

  ***** The next morning I woke to a kiss on my forehead. When I looked up, Nick was standing there in his boxers, smiling. He had ordered breakfast and coffee.

  “Breakfast should be here in twenty minutes,” he said, sitting down at the table in the corner of the room with a newspaper in his hand. “I figured you would want to have a shower first.”

  “Thanks ,” I said, getting out of the bed dragging the sheet with me and wrapping it around me, as I slipped into the bathroom. I started the shower and was half expecting him to join me but he never did.

  I sat across from him at the table. He poured me a mug of coffee, and then leaned over to kiss me.

  “It just arrived, should still be warm,” he said, lifting the lid off the tray. I couldn’t eat right away. I still wanted to relish in his presence. His messy hair, which he had run his fingers through a few times already, made him look adorable. “Eat.” He snatched a piece of bacon and popped it in his mouth. I grabbed a plate and picked out a few pieces of bacon and a pancake. I poured a little maple syrup over it. As I took a bite, Nick cleared his throat and folded his hands in his lap. I looked up at him, wary of what he was about to say.

  “I have to go out of town for a few days,” he said emphatically. My smile disappeared, and I sat back, glaring at him.

  “The festival is this weekend.” I put the fork down.

  “I’ll be back before then,” he assured me, but it was his lack of eye contact that had me worried again. “I promise,” he added, looking up, reaching across the table and taking my hand in his.

  “When do you leave?” I asked.

  “This afternoon.”

  I sighed and rolled my eyes annoyed. “Nick—”

  “I know, babe, it sucks, but Dad has me doing some things—” He tossed a chunk of bacon in his mouth. “I’ll be back before you know it.” I nodded, but inside I was furious.

  Nick dropped me off at home an hour later.

  I called Jennifer and made plans to hang out that night at Shattered. I needed to take my mind off Nick and his cryptic behaviour lately. I’m sure I was overreacting and this was not how I normally would act—or was it? Matt died because I overreacted about what he was doing when he wasn’t with me. Mason left town because I overreacted . . . maybe it was me.

  I shook it off, gave myself a pep talk and took a few deep breaths. I wasn’t going to let my emotions control my actions. I had not given Nick any reason to not trust me, and I shouldn’t make up reasons not to trust him.

  I had a few hours to kill before meeting Jennifer. I decided to go for a jog.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  It was Friday evening and I had n’t heard from Nick since he had left two days ago. I called him, but his answering machine picked up. He had told me that we would spend the night together when he got home, yet he hadn’t come home. I paced my room, feeling confused and angry. Was this how Nick and Mason thought relationships were supposed to be? Was that how their parents were? Then I jumped as my phone beeped, and stretched across my bed to grab it off the end table.

  6:45 p.m. Nick: Lauren, meet me at the house at 8:30. My heart jumped; my breath thudded. I hugged my phone, relieved. Then I changed into a pair of black skinny jeans, a sheer black-silver plaid blouse and black ankle boots then ran down the stairs to the front door. I checked my hair again in the vanity mirror by the door, then grabbed my purse.

  “ Where are you going in such a hurry?” My mother asked walking towards the hall from the den.

  “Nick called, he is finally home.”

  “Have fun.” She said with a big smile.

  It was going to take me, at the least, thirty minutes to get to his house. The weather had changed drastically overnight. Wind
chill from the north had swept in some icy rain. I glanced at the clock on my car stereo. It was just after 8:00 p.m.

  6:50 p.m. Me: Cutting it short, don’t you think? He had never replied, but I got in my car anyway and made my way over. When I arrived, no cars were parked in the driveway and the garage was closed. All the lights were off in the house, so it was hard to tell if anyone was home. Slowly I walked up to the door and rang the bell anyway and waited. Moments later the butler greeted me.

  “ Good evening, Miss Miller.” He opened the door for me to enter. “Mr. Porter should be here shortly,” he said, leading me to the parlour.

  What did he mean, he should be here shortly? Why had Nick told me to come to his house if he wasn’t home?

  “Is Nick not home?” I asked and turned to face him before he slipped away.

  “Not at this moment,” he replied cryptically, then walked out of the room. As I sat waiting, my thoughts began to wander. I didn’t think I had ever stressed so much in a relationship before. I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard voices in the hall. Getting to my feet, I quickly walked to the main foyer in hopes of finding Nick, only to be surprised by Mason’s presence. My breath choked and I swallowed hard. He was walking down the winding staircase, shirtless. When he spotted me, he stopped short and stared, just as stunned.

  “Lauren.” His brow furrowed and his jaw tightened. I looked away, trying not to stare at his naked, yet well-defined upper body.

  “Mason,” I replied breathy, then turned and walked back to the parlour. A few minutes later, Mason came walking in as he slipped his arm in the sleeve of his black shirt.

  “Are you here to see Nick?” he asked, pulling the other sleeve on, and then walked towards me.

  “Yes.” I avoided looking at him.

  “Well—he isn’t here,” he replied, as if this should have been obvious to me.

  “But your butler said he would be here soon.” I looked up.

  “Yeah, he was here and now he isn’t.” He placed his hands on his hips, his chest peeking out of his unbuttoned shirt.

  “Are you going to finish getting dressed?” I gulped.

  His lip curved slightly. “Does my nakedness bother you?” he teased.

  “Nick was supposed to meet me at 8:30,” I replied.

  “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news,” he said, sucking in a breath. I watched him parade across the room to the liquor cabinet. A silver tray held two crystal glasses and a matching carafe. He used silver tongs to grab two ice cubes, pouring himself a glass of bourbon. Then offered me a glass, but I declined. If Nick wasn’t home, then I no longer had a reason to be there. My phone rang, startling me. I looked down at my phone and sighed, disappointed. I could feel Mason’s stare.

  8:30 p.m. Nick: I’m so sorry, Lauren. I had to run out. Please forgive me.

  This was becoming a routine for him lately. I turned away from Mason’s stare as I returned a text to Nick.

  8:35 p.m. Me: It has been two days since I have seen you, Nick. Do you not want to see me or not?

  8:40 p.m. Nick: Of course I do, sweetie. I’m really sorry. I will make it up to you. I promise.

  8:45 p.m. Me: The winter festival is this weekend. I am starting to feel no longer welcome.

  “Trouble in paradise?” Mason asked, lurking behind me brow raised, a little smirk slowly forming on his perfect lips. I hated him . . . I wanted—to hate him.

  Rolling my eyes, I replied, “No—just mixed up the dates is all,” I lied, and then walked out of the parlour heading towards the front door. I couldn’t be around Mason. My wounds were still fresh. It was easier to forget him when he wasn’t around.

  “Right,” he scoffed.

  8:48 p.m. Nick: I love you. <3 My heart skipped. I missed him so much. My thoughts were swooning so much over those three words that I forgot that Mason was trailing behind me.

  “Hey , uh—Lauren, can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked. I came to a full stop and stood there a moment before I turned to face him. I don’t know what compelled me to entertain anything he had to say. “Not really.”

  He started talking anyway, his eyes on the ground before me. “Is—um—this thing between you and Nick serious?” he asked. His jaw tensed as he waited for my answer.

  My lips parted and I gasped in disbelief. “Yes,” I whispered, a hint of uncertainty in my tone totally caught me off guard.

  He looked down at the ground again. “A—are y—you in love with him?” he asked, glancing up through his long lashes. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. What was he thinking, asking me these questions? He had no right asking me anything. I huffed and crossed my arms.

  “Why are you asking me this, Mason?” I asked.

  He winced, “Look, I know I lost my chance, but if there was any way—”

  I interjected, “That’s right! You lost your chance.” Anger took hold of me. “You can’t expect me to just drop everything and run back to you.” I flailed my arms around in frustration.

  “I know—”

  “No, you don’t!” I scoffed. “You left Mason. You left.” My voice rose slightly. As I tried for the door, he blocked my way.

  “Lauren—”

  “No! Don’t you ‘Lauren’ me! You made your choice and you asked that I respect it, so I did. Now respect mine,” I shouted.

  “I—” he sighed, frustrated when I interrupted him again. I wasn’t going to give him a second to twist this around on me.

  “I never thought that I would see you again.” I fought against the looming tears. “After a while I hoped that I never would.” I looked away, feeling the heat rush to my cheeks, tears flooding my eyes. Those were hurtful words and I didn’t mean them.

  “Can I talk now?” He asked, his feet shuffling closer. I nodded but didn’t look up at him. “I left, Lauren, because I was falling in love with you, and I knew”—he paused, his voice breaking—“I knew that I couldn’t deal with it.” He stepped closer. My lips parted, and I looked up at him, trying to hide my surprise. His eyes scanned my face. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I was not in a good place, and I—I’m not a good person sometimes, Lauren.” His brow furrowed, and his lips pressed thinly. “I make bad choices that hurt people.” He chewed his lip, his eyes locked on mine. “I didn’t realize what an idiot I was for leaving, until now.” He leaned in close. The touch of his breath caressed my face. I was panicking. “I’m in love with you, Lauren,” he whispered.

  I bit my lip, fighting hard against the tears. “I’m sorry, Mason, but you can’t come walking back into my life and think that I will choose you.” I choked back the tears. Why was this happening to me? “That’s not how I work.”

  “I know.” His voice was nearly inaudible, eyes filled with sorrow. “It’s selfish of me to tell you this. But then you knew that about me, right? Mason the selfish and reckless rich kid who never thinks before he speaks.” His fingers grazed lightly along my jawline. “Just like how I left because I was in love with you.”

  My eyes widened my head shaking as I backed away. “I—I can’t do this, Mason,” I scoffed, then turned and walked away from him. “You can’t do this to me. I love Nick.”

  “Lauren,” he said, following me out the door, grabbing my arm.

  “No.” I spun around, slapping his hand way. “You can’t do this to me again, Mason,” I cried, shoving him, then walked quickly to my car. “Just stay away from me.”

  I cried the entire ride home and for a little while longer as I sat in the car. I needed to be alone, to think. If I went inside now, my mother would be asking me all kinds of questions that I had no answers to. When I next looked up at the house, the lights were out. My mother must have gone to bed while I sat here. Then I noticed headlights racing down the road, and decided to pull out. I couldn’t go to sleep, not now. I needed to blow off some steam. I needed someone to talk to about how I was feeling. Maybe Jennifer would listen and give me some advice.

  The rage inside of me was almost unbearable. The nerve he had t
o just pour his heart out to me like that, after all this time. Well, it was too late. He had his chance. He ruined his chance. I screamed as I drove down the road faster than I should have been. When I pulled up to the plaza where Shattered was, I got out, slamming my car door. My hand furiously ran through my hair. People walked by gawking. I must have looked crazy pacing around, talking to myself. About how I loved Nick. I was in love with him. He treated me good. He told me how he felt, and he loved me back. Mason was not going to ruin that. I kicked my tire, cursing.

  “Are you al l right?” a guy asked as he got out of his car. “Yes,” I sobbed. His eyes widened, and he slowly backed away. “Shit!” I gasped. I had to get under control. I couldn’t let my emotions get the best of me. I wouldn’t go to that dark place. Not again. I locked the doors and started towards the bar. I should have called Mike or Jennifer to keep me company and maybe lend an ear, but to be honest, I just needed to let loose around people who didn’t know me. The bouncer recognized me as I approached him which was unfortunate but he wouldn’t be inside to see what I was doing or report it to anyone.

  “ How are things?” He asked, gently touching my shoulder. “I’ve been better.” I laughed, wiping my damp cheeks. “You might want to check out a mirror.” He winked. I nodded and walked through the door he held open for me. I

  made my way to the bathroom, ripping a piece of paper towel from the dispenser and dabbing at my cheeks.

  “Don’t think about him.” I said to myself.

  “No man is worth your tears sister.” Some woman said walking out of the stall, with a guy I might add. He smirked at me winking and puckering his lips at me but she pulled him along. I waited a moment before exiting the bathroom. I walked up to the bar and ordered a few drinks.

  “Hey,” I said to the bartender as I stood leaning on the wood.