Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  “Why are you in here, Mason?” I asked.

  “Should I tell her, Nick, or are you going to?” Mason snarled, turning to face his brother.

  Nick shook his head, and sneered, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

  “What the hell is going on?” I demanded.

  “It’s just like you,” Nick growled.

  “This one’s on you.” Mason scowled, turned on one heel and walked out.

  “What is going on? Who is that woman you are with, Nick?” I asked, fighting the impending tears.

  His eyes shut and he started apologizing. “Lauren—”

  “Nick?”

  “I’m sorry, Lauren. I should have told you.” He pressed his thumb and index finger against his eyes. “She wasn’t supposed to come here.”

  “Who wasn’t supposed to come here and why?” I searched his eyes, praying for a different answer. “Nick?” I fought the sobs.

  “Her name is Stacey, the woman I’m with.” He turned away, rubbing his jaw downwards. “S—she is my fiancée.” His voice began to break. My breath halted and I stood there motionless and weak. He spun around to face me again and I wanted to lash out, I wanted to slap him but I couldn’t. His eyes were screaming for forgiveness with each translucent trickle of emotion.

  My heart plummeted; my mouth gaped. “Your—what?” I gasped. He reached out for me, but I backed away. He rubbed his forehead with one hand and held his waist with the other. “When I came to Portland, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married—” he cried.

  “Please tell me that you’re joking,” I said. My body began to tremble.

  His head slowly shook. “I’m so sorry, Lauren.” He reached for me again, but I slapped his hand way. His eyes watered, and his lips pressed thinly. “I didn’t think I would meet someone like you while I was here.”

  “You’re sorry?” I scoffed. “We have been together for two months, Nick, and you failed to tell me that you were engaged.” Angry tears poured down my cheeks. “And to think I was feeling guilty for kissing Mason last night.”

  “You kissed Mason?” he gasped. His hand cupped over his mouth.

  “Don’t turn this around. I tried to tell you earlier, but you skipped out on me once again!” I growled. “There is a big difference between what I did and what you are doing! Does she even know about me?”

  He shook his head, stammering, “We were on a break. I was confused and—”

  “What were you confused about, Nick?” I barked.

  He looked at me with teary eyes. “How I felt about you,” he whispered, and then the tears fell effortlessly.

  “How do you feel about me, Nick? Because to me right now, it feels like I meant nothing.” I choked on my breath, unable to believe what was happening.

  “I love you, Lauren.” His eyes watered. “I mean that.”

  “But?” I pressed my fingers against my trembling lips.

  “I love her too.” His head hung back. “Seeing her again brought all those feelings back, and I can’t choose without—”

  I raised my hand, interjecting. “You don’t have to,” I said and stormed out.

  “Lauren—” he called out. I walked past Mason shooting him a nasty look before I disappeared.

  Everything from there on out blurred together. My ears buzzed, and my heart beat so fast that it was the only thing I could hear. I didn’t stop, not for a second and not until I reached the snowcovered cobblestones outside. I didn’t even think before I got in my car and started driving away. I sobbed uncontrollably, unable to stop and unable to see the road clearly through the flood of tears spilling from my eyes. I told myself to stay away from them. I should have just listened to my gut.

  Everything felt as if it were going in warp speed, and I didn’t realize how slick the roads were until it was too late. I hit a patch of black ice and the car spun out of control, hitting the bridge’s cement wall, flipping the car right over it. I saw the water coming towards the windshield before I realized what had happened. My life flashed before my eyes, and Matt appeared next to me. His eyes sad, he took my hand in his.

  The force of the impact knocked me unconscious.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  **Meanwhile** Mason walked around hastily, searching for Lauren. “Where is Lauren?” he asked Cassie, walking towards her. Then he turned to Nick, who shrugged. “I don’t see her anywhere.”

  Cassie walked away. “She stormed out ten minutes ago ,” Nick replied. “Because you don’t know how to keep your mouth shut.”

  “You should never have lied in the first place, Nick,” Mason shouted back, getting the attention of everyone in the room.

  “Right, because what you did was any better.” Nick’s voice rose slightly.

  “Is that what this about?” He got in Nick’s face.

  “Mason, her car is gone,” Cassie said, running towards them. Mason spun around, his face grave.

  “She’s had way too much to drink,” he said gravely. Panic filled his eyes. He started running to the front door. “Where is your car?” he asked, spinning around to face Cassie and Nick. “Come on,” he groaned. “Mine is at the shop. Someone tell me their car is out front.” His eyes started to water.

  “Mine’s there, but it’s probably blocked in,” Nick replied. As they walked down the driveway, they heard a screech in the distance. All of their heads turned slowly in the direction just as a horrible crashing sound followed.

  “No!” Mason gasped, and then started running.

  “Mason!” Cassie started to cry, chasing after him.

  Nick grabbed his phone out of his pocket, dialing 911.

  By the time Mason had gotten to the bridge, it was too late.

  He could see the tail lights of the car disappearing in the water below. His eyes welled with tears and his heart pounded against his ribs.

  “Lauren!” he screamed, leaning over the broken wall. He spun around, hands on his head, panic stricken. “No!” Tears streamed down his face. Then he ripped his jacket off and threw it. “She’s down there.”

  “Mason, don’t.” Cassie grabbed his arm. “It’s too cold. If you go in there you will freeze to death!”

  “Lauren will die if I don’t!” He cried.

  “You could die trying to save her.” Cassie cried grabbing his arm dragging him away from the edge.

  “We are wasting time talking about it. She only has so much time!” He tried to break free.

  “Mason please,” she begged, “Don’t, you will die.”

  “Then so be it.”

  Cassie’s mouth gaped, her eyes tearing up. “Mason, Lauren wouldn’t want you to risk your life.”

  “Mason, think about it.” Nick tried to reason with him, but as soon as he saw Nick, rage filled his eyes. “Don’t be stupid—”

  “This is your fault!” he screamed, shoving Nick. Cassie spun around as she heard sirens in the distance.

  “Guys!” she shouted to get their attention. Then she walked out to the middle of the road to flag the ambulance down. In the background Mason shoved Nick again before Mason backed away and walked over to the bridge. He got ready to jump in, when the rescue team came to a screeching stop, shouting at him to get away from the ledge. Quickly they set everything up, but so much time had passed already, Mason began shouting.

  “Every minute that passes gives her less of a chance to survive,” Mason said, getting in the way of the rescue efforts.

  “Sir, if you don’t stand back, I will have an officer put you in the cruiser,” he said, placing his hand on Mason’s chest, gently pushing him back. “I know that you are worried, but you need to let us do our job.”

  Cassie stood behind the police caution tape, a blanket draped over her shoulders. Nick stood next to her, his hand cupped over his mouth as he sobbed. Mason paced back and forth, running his hand through his hair. Tears drenched his cheeks.

  They watched in horror as Lauren’s lifeless body was pulled up from the wreckage. Mason ran to her, but the offic
ers held him back.

  “No!” he said repeatedly. “She can’t die. You have to save her.” He dropped to his knees. “She can’t be dead. I—I could’ve . . . saved her,” he cried.

  Everyone watched as one paramedic did CPR and the other wheeled her to the ambulance. Someone coughed and Mason’s head shot up. He stared at the back of the ambulance.

  “Was that her?” he asked, looking up at Cassie, hopeful.

  “I—I d—don’t know.” Her eyes focused on the truck as it pulled away. The firefighters pulled the car up from the water next, the windshield completely smashed in, water spilling out as the car hung there.

  “Let’s get to the hospital,” Cassie said, pulling Mason to his feet.

  **Afterwards** Slowly my eyes opened, blurred from the drugs in my system. I lay there attached to several machines, monitors beeping as my vitals remained steady. The room was dark. I felt alone. Then I saw Mason next to me. Sadness overwhelmed him. I tried to talk to him, but he never heard me. Then I realized that I was standing next to him, outside of my body. I jumped back, shocked, hitting the wall behind me. Then the door opened, and Cassie walked in with Nick.

  “What did the doctor say?” s he asked, sniffing back the tears, her hand resting on Mason’s shoulder. When I looked down at Mason again, I noticed he was clutching my hand. My eyes roamed the room and found Nick in the corner, arms crossed, tears hovering in his eyes.

  “Hey , pumpkin,” I heard and spun around.

  “Daddy?” I gasped and ran to him. “What’s going on?” I asked, confused. Just then my mother stormed through the doors. I watched in horror as she grabbed Mason, screaming at him, pulling him away from me, tears bursting from her eyes. I cupped my hands over my mouth, my eyes filling with tears as I watched the pain fill all their faces. I fought against the hurt building inside. I turned to my Dad. “Why are you here?” I asked, wary.

  “You’ve given up, pumpkin.” He sighed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

  “No—I haven’t.” I looked over at my body.

  “Yeah, you have.” He looked over at the door that had appeared. It opened, and then a burst of light filled the space. Then Matt walked through and stood on the other side next to me. “All this pain you are feeling has overwhelmed you. Your body is strong, but your heart is broken,” he said, kissing my hair.

  “W—what do I do?” I asked, burying my face in his shoulder.

  “That is up to you, darling,” Matt replied, taking my hand in his.

  “How’s it up to me?” I asked. “I thought that if it was your time, then it was your time.” I sobbed.

  Matt’s lip curled up at one side. “You’re young and strong. If you can overcome the pain your heart feels, then you can overcome anything,” he said, standing in front of me.

  “But I was under that water for a long time.” I looked over at my body, pale and lips still faintly blue.

  “Yeah you were,” my father said, walking towards the bed. “But they saved you in time.” His eyes grew saddened.

  “I could have brain damage,” I replied. “What kind of life would that be?” I cried.

  “There is only one way to know for sure.” he said, gesturing for me to return to my body. “No one said life was easy, pumpkin. You just have to take it one day at a time.”

  “I feel like everything I do lately is wrong,” I sighed.

  “Sometimes you have to fall in order to fly,” he said. “You want to know what the hardest part about leaving you was?” he asked, and I nodded. “Knowing I would never see you become the woman you are today.”

  “Oh, Daddy,” I whispered, and then started to cry. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and squeezed. “I miss you so much.”

  “But knowing Mom was there for you made it easier. Now it’s your turn to decide your fate. You have a good man there who loves you, and you are a beautiful, talented young woman with your whole life ahead of you.”

  “How do you know that?” I looked over at Mason, then at Nick. “They both say they love me. Who are you talking about?” “Only you can find that out for yourself,” my father replied. “No hints on the best choice?” I screwed my lips to the side.

  “Unfortunately, that’s a decision only you can make,” my father replied with a chuckle.

  “It’s so hard,” I said, crossing my arms. “They both hurt me,” I added.

  “Follow your heart,” he said and wrapped his arm around me.

  “That’s what I have been trying to tell you all along,” Matt said, smirking.

  “What—when?” My eyes narrowed at him.

  “Every time that I saw you, I told you to move on,” Matt said, his brow arched. I scanned back to all the times that Matt had appeared since his death, most times when I was with Mason.

  Then I replied, “Whenever I was with Mason.”

  “Well—those were the times you seemed to need me most,” he said and nodded. “Choose wisely.” His fingers caressed my cheek.

  I nodded, still unsure. “Will I see you again?”

  “When it is your time,” they both said, each taking one of my hands. I nodded, and then turned, to face them.

  “I love you both.” I hugged my dad first, and then turned to hug Matt. “I miss you so much,” I said, kissing his cheek.

  “I love you too,” they said in unison. I blew them a kiss, slowly turned, walking over to the bed. I stood and stared at myself, and the longer I stared, the more I realized that my father and Matt were right. I was not ready to leave this life.

  My eyes fell on Mason, his red eyes searching my face for a sign that I was going to be all right; then Nick, broken and filled with shame. Cassie had not stopped sobbing since I was revived. It broke my heart to see the ones I loved in this much pain. My Mother’s pain affected me the most. She had lost my dad not too long ago and now me. I couldn’t do that to her. I lay down over my body and waited, but nothing happened. Then in a flash it felt like I was being sucked back through a vortex. The monitors came to life, frenetically beeping, and then my body started convulsing. Mason jumped to his feet, screaming for help. A group of nurses ran into the room, asking everyone to get out. My eyes opened, and I could see my dad in the corner of the room, watching. I tried to call out to him, but I couldn’t move. Then everything went black, and I felt my body fill with electricity.

  I woke gasping for air. My arms started flailing around, and the nurses had to hold me down. I tried to scream, but something was blocking my airway. Then there was a pinch on my arm, and everything went hazy.

  When I woke up, my eyes hadn’t adjusted yet. Through blurred vision I saw someone sitting near me, but I was unable to make out who it was. My voice was hoarse, and nothing came out when I tried to speak. Then I reached over and grabbed the hand.

  “Lauren?” he gasped. I heard feet rush over and stop by the bed. “Thank God,” he sobbed. “You’re okay.” He kissed my hand, then my head. The palm of his hand brushed away the hair that stuck to the side of my face.

  “I’ll get the nurse ,” Cassie said and walked out. Someone else was standing in the room.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” my mother said and took my hand in hers. I squeezed it to let her know I heard her. The nurse came in and asked everyone to step away from the bed as she looked me over. She took my blood pressure, and then took my temperature.

  “I’ll let the doctor know that she’s awake,” she said and walked out of the room.

  “Why can’t I see?” I asked. My voice strained.

  “You’ve been through a lot,” my mom said, taking my hand again. I tried to say something else, but it just came out as a squeak. “Rest your voice, sweetie. We have plenty of time to talk when you’re better.” She rubbed my forehead with the palm of her hand. My eyes felt heavy and I dozed off again.

  When I woke again, I heard the doctor.

  “Nice to have you back,” he said, checking my pulse. “How long have I been out?” I tried to speak.

  “Two days in and out.�
�� He winked.

  “My throat is so sore.” I winced.

  “You should be able to drink some water now,” he said. “I’ll go get her some,” Cassie replied, then left.

  “Who’s here?” I asked, my voice coming out in spurts. “Cassie is here. Mason and Nick were here,” my mother replied. “Are they coming back?” I asked.

  “I’m sure they will, honey,” she said and kissed my hand. “Were you yelling at Mason earlier?” I asked, blinking my eyes

  clear.

  “I was angry at him for hurting you.” She sat down on the bed

  next to me.

  “This wasn’t his fault,” I said.

  “I—I—”

  I interjected, “He told me that he loved me.” I cupped her hand.

  “I know he hurt me. But I can’t blame him for running form his

  feelings,” I said.

  “What about Nick? I thought things were good with him?” she

  asked.

  “They were perfect,” I said, and it hurt to cry. I gasped as the

  pain filled my chest. “He hurt me the most.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said,

  then let out a sigh.

  “Before the car crash, I had just found out Nick was engaged,” I

  said, holding back the tears. “If that had not happened, then I

  wouldn’t even doubt how I feel about Nick but—” I blinked the

  tears from my eyes as I looked over at the door to see Mason and

  Nick were standing there. Mason stared my way with sad eyes and

  Nick looked down at the ground when my eyes met his. “Can you give us a minute?” I asked my mom. She nodded,

  and then walked out. Nick and Mason slowly walked towards the

  bed. I shifted so that I could sit up. They waited anxiously. I

  beckoned Nick over and he walked closer. Mason stood at the foot