Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

of the bed.

  “You hurt me,” I began. Nick’s lips trembled, and he looked

  away from me. “I never expected that from you.”

  “I’m sorry.” He began to sob. His shame was evident. “But I wanted to tell you that even though it is over between us,

  I don’t hate you. I’m angry and disappointed, but I can’t hate you.”

  My lips quivered. Tears trickled from my eyes. Mason turned to

  leave. “Don’t go anywhere, Mason.” I said, and he stopped in his

  tracks but didn’t turn to face me. Nick stood there speechless,

  staring at me. “I know you love me. That’s why it hurts so much to

  do this. I never wanted it to end like this.” Nick’s eyes brimmed

  with fresh tears. His chin trembled as he took a long, shuddering

  breath, his eyes blinking rapidly to see past the rim of warm

  wetness threatening to overspill his eyes. Mason inched away. His lips pressed against my hand. “I love you, Lauren. I’m

  sorry. I should have told you.”

  “You know me better than that, Nick,” I said and reached up,

  caressing his cheek. “I wouldn’t have asked you to choose.” His

  body crumbled forward, and he held me against his chest, the force

  of his trembling body causing so much anguish.

  “I don’t want to lose you,” he cried into my shoulder. My hand

  covered my face as I sobbed uncontrollably.

  “I’m sorry.” I pulled away, wiping the tears from my face.

  “You should go.” My body began to shake feverishly.

  As he stepped away, he looked down at me hurtfully, forcing

  me to turn away. I didn’t turn back until I heard the door click shut.

  Mason remained in the center of the room, watching me. I knew he

  was waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t have any words

  for him at the moment. He had hurt me too. When I was ready, I

  would have a few choice words for him as well.

  Then my mother returned with the doctor.

  He said I was good to go home.

  “If you feel strange or light-headed in any way, come back and

  see me,” he said. I nodded. Then he signed his name at the bottom

  of the discharge paper. “You should rest up for a few days. You

  have a few bruised ribs, so keep your activity to a minimum for at

  least a few weeks,” he said and walked out. My mother started to

  pack up my things, then handed me a bag of clean clothes to

  change into.

  When we got to the house, Mason asked my mother for permission to come in. She was quick to tell him to go home, but when she saw my face, she allowed him in.

  “I’ll make a pot of tea ,” she told me as she walked down the hall. “Shall I bring it up?”

  “Yes, please.” I thanked her and continued up to my room with Mason’s assistance.

  “You looked amazing in that dress by the way,” he said, sitting on my bed.

  “Thanks,” I said, rolling my eyes. I wanted to forget that night had ever happened. “You did too.” I sat next to him. “Why couldn’t you just tell me how you felt?” My hands fiddled with the hem on my sweater.

  “Because I’m an idiot,” he laughed.

  “Well”—I laughed— “I kind of figured that out.”

  “Sorry,” he smiled.

  “Seriously, Mason.” I turned, lifting my leg on the bed so I could face him.

  “The last time I allowed myself to love, it destroyed me. I couldn’t allow it to happen again,” he said, looking down at the carpet.

  “You thought that I would hurt you?” I scoffed, and took his hand in mine. “I so did not get that from your actions.”

  “No.” His breath shuddered. “I knew you were different.”

  “Then why leave?” I asked.

  His shoulders slouched. “I wasn’t ready. I knew that if I stayed and continued on the path we were on, I would end up hurting you. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.” His breath hitched.

  “But you hurt me anyway,” I replied.

  “It was a different kind of hurt.” He looked up at me. “That kind of hurt is forgivable.”

  “How did you know I’d forgive you?” I asked.

  “I—I didn’t,” he stuttered.

  “Yet you took the chance anyway?” I replied, disheartened.

  “Yes,” he whispered.

  “How do I know you won’t do it again?” I asked.

  “I won’t,” he said confidently.

  “But how do I know you won’t? You say it, but do you mean it?” I stood, walking around my room. I wasn’t sure if I should give him a chance at my heart again.

  “I would never have told you that I loved you if I wasn’t willing to try,” he said, getting to his feet and stopping me from pacing.

  “I care about you, Mason,” I said looking into his beautiful blue eyes as they gazed upon me. I stepped back, furiously pacing in front of him again. “Yes, you hurt me, not once but three times, Mason. Once when you left, then the letter and then when you returned. This is the only time I will forgive you for it,” I said matter-of-factly. “So if you love me, then say it, and I want it to be epic. I want to feel it deep down in my soul.” I walked towards him. “Otherwise, I am leaving Portland, and I won’t be coming back, not for you, not for anyone.”

  His eyes started to water. “It was so hard to be away from you, Lauren. I thought about you every day.”

  “Mason.” I sighed and crossed my arms.

  “I’m sorry that I hurt you, Lauren.” His lips trembled.

  “I won’t deny that it was more painful to fall for you than it was to let you go,” I said and stood in front of him. “I don’t even know if I can trust you.”

  “I am sorry that I caused you pain—” He moved close to me. “I love you, Lauren, more than my heart can handle.” He began to cry. “I regret leaving you and hurting you the way I did, but I was so scared.” His hands cupped my cheeks. “I will never leave you again,” he said with conviction this time. “I will do everything in my power to prove this to you.” Our lips hovered. My body folded into him. “When I saw the lights in the water, my whole world turned upside down. I didn’t know if I could live without you.” He grabbed my face in his hand. The tears burst from his eyes. His arms enveloped me, and I felt his body shake as he cried. “I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you,” he whispered in my ear. His lips slowly slid across my cheek smoothly. “Forever,” he breathed against my lips.

  Then we finally kissed.

  “I will hold you to it,” I said, jerking my head away. He smiled, and then my mother knocked before she walked in and placed the two cups of tea on my dresser.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  When I pulled up to the Fosters ’ home two weeks after the incident, my heart pounded hard against my chest. I had told Mason that I wanted to take things slow, because I wanted to make sure that I could trust him. We had been avoiding going to his house when we saw each other but this time I had no choice but to meet him there, my mother was invited to the New Year’s party of the year, and I couldn’t let her show up alone. I had not seen Nick since the accident, and I wasn’t entirely sure how it would affect me. Mason had told me his mother was not my biggest fan like that was supposed to be comforting to me. What I did notice though was how she never protested about us dating the way she did with Nick and me. I guess it was because Mason had spent most of his life disappointing her and Nick was the perfect one, turns out not so perfect. It bothered me to know that I was the disappointment this time around, but I put it to the back of my mind as I turned off the ignition. I looked myself over in the mirror, making sure my hair and make-up looked good. My hair was pinned up in a bun, and I wore subtle colours on my eyes and lips. My dress was pale pink, accentuating my figure but not in an inappropri
ate way—and of course, white pumps. The Fosters New Year’s celebration dinner was a party no one would miss. All their closest friends and family would be there. Mr. Porter even showed up for the event, according to Mason. Before getting out of the car, I looked over at her, making sure she was all right. But she was already getting out of the car, brushing her hands down her dress, making sure it wasn’t out of place. She looked so pretty.

  “Thanks again for coming with me,” she said, turning to face me.

  “Well, I can’t hide forever.” I sighed and took her hand, and we walked up the cobblestone driveway to the door. As we approached, the door opened, and the butler stood holding it open for us to walk through. When we walked in, my mother was recognized immediately. People swarmed her with hugs. I stood next to her, smiling.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” Mason whispered as he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground a little.

  “Hey.” I replied nervously, wrapping my arms around him. “I love the pink tie.”

  “Thanks. I thought we could match.” His lips curved upward. “Come with me. I want you to meet my father.” His fingers laced with mine. My brow rose confused. “My—other father,” he corrected. I looked back at my mother before we disappeared down the hall. She looked up at me, smiling, and gave me a nod. It felt weird being here with Mason. I was still trying to get used to the idea of us being together. Apart from his family and my mother, no one really knew I had dated Nick. I’m sure his mother didn’t spread that around. I could only imagine what she thought of me. Dating the prodigy and leaving him for the misfit. I scorned myself for thinking so negatively.

  When we got in the ballroom, Nick was standing next to his fiancée, chatting with another couple. Our eyes connected and his smile thinned. I tried to smile, but seeing that look on his face hurt. His head slowly turned away.

  “Dad.” Mason stopped, tapped his father on the shoulder. Robert turned to face us, looked down at me and smiled.

  “Lauren,” he said, surprised but gave me a big smile.

  “Mr. Foster.” I shook his hand.

  “Please call me Robert.” He nodded at Mason. Then his eyes fell on me. “You have grown into a beautiful young woman, just like your mother,” he said, smiling. Then it hit me. My mother had mentioned that she had been in love with Robert back when they were teenagers.

  “Thank you,” I replied bashfully. “My mother is here, actually.”

  “Is she?” He looked around, his eyes lighting up. “It would be nice to catch up.” His reaction put a smile on my face.

  “I left her in the foyer, where she was mauled by the ladies,” I said with a chuckle.

  “I’ll have to rescue her then,” he smirked, then excused himself.

  “My dad knew your mom?” Mason asked as he turned and watched his father disappear down the hallway.

  “Yep.” I smiled, turning to look up at him. “It was a long time ago.” I added. “I need a drink.”

  “Follow me,” he said. I felt the nervousness fill me as he laced his fingers with mine. He led me to the bar in the den. “Looks like we’re out of the good stuff in here, I’ll be right back.” He kissed my cheek then left the room.

  “Evening,” Nick said as he came up from behind me. I could hear the strain in his voice as he spoke. My heart thudded in my chest but I turned to face him anyway.

  “Evening,” I replied, trying to disguise my own pain. The other people in the room left one by one, leaving Nick and me alone. He looked around the room, then back at me. He stood awfully close, drink in his hand and the other hand tucked in the pocket of his pants. I tried to find something to focus on other than him. He looked good in his snow-white cashmere shirt and black dress pants. He leaned on the shelf, looking as nervous as I felt.

  “It’s good to see you,” he said, clearing his throat. I hated this little show we were putting on.

  “You too,” I lied. I didn’t want to see him. Not yet at least. I knew I would eventually have to run into him. I just wished it wasn’t this soon.

  “Liar,” he croaked, smiling. My eyes widened, surprised. “I know I’ve said it before, but I wanted to say it again.” He moved closer. “I’m terribly sorry for my behaviour.” His breath caught in his throat.

  “I know, Nick,” I replied, looking away because his intense stare was more than I could bear. His broken voice was killing me inside.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, getting choked up. I could hear the sob brewing in the back of his throat. “It wasn’t because Mason was easy to fall back on?” He inched closer. I looked down at the ground, not quite sure what to say to that.

  “No. It wasn’t like that,” I replied, looking up at him, again.

  “Sure it wasn’t,” he said, dragging his hand down his jaw.

  He moved closer still, and then I felt the gentle caress of his fingers touching the curve of my neck, trailing delicately over to my chin, and lifting it so that we were looking at each other. I was a little put off when his finger lingered across the edge of my bottom lip. “I love you,” he gulped. “That hasn’t changed.” He paused, looking at the door where Mason had exited through. When his eyes met mine again, I started to feel the tears sting my eyes. “I never lied to you about that. Yes, I should have been honest from the beginning. That is something I will forever regret.” His voice shook as he spoke and his lip quivered.

  “I don’t want you to regret it, Nick,” I replied, biting my lip.

  “Well, for what it’s worth, I would have chosen you,” he whispered regretfully. “Would you have stayed?”

  “Nick—” It was an unfair question. I couldn’t give him an answer to a hypothetical question. “I can’t answer that.”

  The shake in his voice was so unbearable. “You’re right. It’s unfair of me to ask.” His eyes bore into mine, making me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t look away. “I’ll say this, though. Those few months that we spent together were the best months of my life.” His thumb stroked my cheek, just as Mason returned. Nick leaned in and kissed my cheek then stepped back. “No one compares to you,” he whispered, then he eyed Mason as he walked out of the room. My eyes watered and I bit down on my lip, holding my breath. Mason sauntered towards me. I took a moment before I could look up at him and smiled sincerely.

  “Everything okay?” he asked, watching Nick leave.

  “Yep,” I lied, swiping the tear that managed to escape.

  “I feel as though I have interrupted something.” He handed me a glass as he stood directly in front of me. I knew he was trying to read my expression.

  “He apologized again, that’s all,” I said with a shrug. He eyed me, glancing over at the doorway. Nick stood in view.

  “Is that all he said? Because it looked like more.”

  “Yes,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Stop worrying.” I stretched to kiss him.

  “Oh, I’m not worried.” He forced a smile.

  We walked out of the lounge and joined the rest of the party with Mason glued to my side for the rest of the night. It was half an hour to midnight. Cassie and I had gotten lost in the music on the dance floor. Mason only joined us when there was a slow song on. I even found my mother enjoying the party—with Robert. It was a little weird seeing her with another man, but it had been three years since my father died. I wasn’t expecting her to be alone for the rest of her life, but it will take some getting used to. Then I felt someone take my hand, and when I turned thinking it was Mason, I found Nick standing behind me. He pulled me away before Cassie noticed.

  “Nick?” I said , trying to break free. “Where are you taking me?” I asked, trying to resist. He led me out onto the patio, then through the garden towards the hedges that bordered their yard. “Nick!” When we finally stopped walking, he slowly turned to face me, letting my hand go. “What is going on?” I breathed. His head turned, and he focused on the distance between us and the house. I turned and realized that we were far, and no one would see us standing here in the dark.

&nbs
p; “I—I j—just needed to talk to you,” he stuttered. I looked around. “Okay, but why do you have to talk to me out here, where it’s cold and secluded?” I asked.

  “I didn’t want anyone to hear.” He looked at me, took off his blazer and handed it to me.

  “What do you have to tell me that no one else can hear?” I asked. What I should have done was turn around and head back to the house. I should not have entertained this.

  His voice was raspy. “It’s bad enough that I’m feeling this way. I can’t have everyone knowing I feel it,” he said, looking up at the starry sky. “Until I met you, I never lied to anyone about anything.”

  “Should I feel special about that?” It was a little harsh, but I wasn’t into playing games. I ended things between us for a reason.

  “No! That’s not what I was saying,” he scoffed. “You mean a lot to me, and in that short amount of time I lied to protect you—”

  “So this is my fault?” I gasped, shrugging his jacket off.

  Nick stepped forward to stop me, holding my shoulders. “No, please just let me explain.” His voice caught in his throat as he struggled to form the words. As the tears rolled down his face, he sobbed into his hands. “I—I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  “Nick—”

  “I know it’s ridiculous, right? I know,” He stepped back, running his hands through his hair. “No matter what I do—” He choked. I turned my head to avoid his tearful stare. I couldn’t handle his emotions, right now. “I knew the moment I said it—I couldn’t take it back,” he said.

  “I can’t do this.” I stepped back.

  He nodded. “Trust me, I know. I just—I couldn’t leave without knowing . . .” His voice trailed off. A single tear trickled from his eyes.

  “This isn’t fair, Nick.” My lips pressed thinly.

  “I know. I have no right to ask this of you. I don’t deserve to know considering what I’ve done,” he said, taking my hand in his.

  “I’m with Mason now.” I struggled with my emotions. “That’s not to say that I never loved you. But you hurt me, Nick—”

  “So did Mason!” he retorted.

  “It’s not the same and you know it,” I said and rubbed my fingers across my forehead in frustration. “When I fell for Mason, it was different. He never told me how he felt,” I clarified. “It felt more like—like a fantasy.”