Game of Love

by Melissa Foster

  “Ellie?”

  Regina. “I’ll be right out.” She flushed the toilet without going and came out of the stall. Regina was sitting on the sink with a Twizzler hanging from her lips like a cigarette.

  “Hey,” Regina said. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Dex just about ripped my head off.”

  “You didn’t.” She washed her hands and concentrated on keeping her leg still.

  “All I was trying to say was that maybe if you didn’t think of yourself as chaos, chaos wouldn’t find you.” Regina lifted her brows.

  “Do you really believe that stuff?” Ellie dried her hands and leaned against the wall. “I mean, it’s not like I want my life to fall apart every few weeks. I want to live a normal life.”

  “Well, that’s the first issue. Your expectations are off-kilter. There is no such thing as a normal life. Life is what it is. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it’s great, but most of the time it’s just kind of there.”

  “You know what I mean. I want to leave the apartment in the morning and know that my ex-boyfriend isn’t going to text me and make my skin crawl. I want to know that I can love and be loved.” Oh my God, why am I telling you this? “I want what you guys have. That peace of mind to know that you’ll always be there for each other without ever having to say it.” Ellie covered her face with her hands. “I sound like an idiot. I’m sorry.”

  “But I’ve seen you with Dex, and I’ve seen the way he is with you. I think you have that. Why would you question it? Don’t you feel it?” Regina crossed her arms and studied Ellie.

  “Because people like me don’t have the same luck as other people.” People like me. God, how she hated saying that, but it was true. Foster children were like every other kid on the outside, but inside, she’d always felt more defensive, less self-assured than her peers. Except when she was with Dex. When it was just the two of them, she felt no judgment and no different.

  “People like you? Ellie, you seem like a regular woman with really great ideas.”

  “Great ideas, maybe. Regular? No way. I’m the proverbial product of the system.”

  “Wait a second. You’re a fossie?”

  “A what?” Ellie took a step backward.

  “A fossie. A foster kid. No one else called us that, but I had to come up with a cute name to make it bearable. I grew up in foster homes. My mom was a total whack job and my father was a thief. In and out of jail. So…” She waved her arms. “I had the pleasure of belonging to no one.”

  “Really?” Being a foster child had always made her feel like the only card in a deck without a match. Regina’s admission made her feel like she’d finally found one.

  “Yup. Since I was seven. Six homes in eleven years.” Regina ran her hand down her arm. “I guess we all wear our pasts in different ways. I throw it in people’s faces and you…hide from it.”

  Ellie pushed herself up on the counter beside Regina. “So you do understand what that was like.”

  “Sure. There are zillions of kids who went through the system. You’re far from alone. And that whole can-I-be-loved thing? That’s the most consistent issue that I’ve heard. Our parents fucked up, so we think it’s our fault. Well, I’ve gone through enough therapy to understand that it’s not our fault. Our parents made their decisions. We just tagged along for the ride, and sometimes the ride crashed and threw us into another lane.” Regina jumped down from the sink and stared into the mirror, then shifted her gaze to Ellie and patted her leg. “If there’s one thing I know, Ellie, it’s that Dex doesn’t love easily. Ever since I’ve known him, he’s protected his heart like he’s been hurt before and he needed to keep it caged up and safe. Then you waltzed into his life and the man’s cage turned to dust.” She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a Twizzler and swatted Ellie’s leg with it. “Girl, that man has love written all over his face. All you have to do is let yourself be loved.”

  Ellie had heard that a million times from social workers or foster parents, and never had it hit her like a ton of bricks the way it did when Regina said it. Something about hearing it from another woman who had gone through the system, coupled with the fact that Regina knew Dex well and she saw what Ellie had felt coming off of him in waves, made the truth of what Regina had said more real.

  “Thanks, Regina. I needed to hear that.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t thank me yet. Because if you hurt him, then I’m gonna have to kill you, and that’s not something I look forward to. Jail and all that? What a waste of a life.” She yanked Ellie’s hand. “Come on. Lover boy awaits.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  IN THE BAR, Regina grabbed Ellie’s wrist. “Dance with me.”

  Ellie groaned. “I really suck at dancing.” She caught Dex’s eye and silently pleaded for him to save her. He rose to his feet, and she thought she’d been saved, but when he reached her side, he leaned down and whispered, “I can’t wait to see your moves.”

  Mitch followed Dex onto the floor, and before Ellie could wrangle herself away, Dex’s hips were gyrating dangerously close to hers, his jeans pressed tight against him in all the right places as all of his body parts moved in perfect sync, with some sort of seductive dirty-dancing action going on that made Ellie tingle all over. His dark eyes captured hers, and when he lowered his mouth and settled it over hers, she closed her eyes and let her body do what came naturally. She felt his hands on her hips, and the sweet rum combined with the heady swell of love in her heart moved her body in perfect rhythm with his.

  “Damn, you’re sexy,” he whispered against her cheek. His hands roved up her back, and he pressed his hips into her.

  “Hey, this is a dance floor, not a bedroom,” Regina said, waggling her finger at them. “I thought you couldn’t dance?” she said to Ellie.

  “Dex brings out a whole side of me I never knew I had.” Ellie secretly loved to dance, but she had been dancing in public only a handful of times. Dex ran his hands beneath her hair and up the back of her neck, causing a full-body shudder. When the song ended, he closed the gap between them and took her in another deep kiss. Her desire to bolt forgotten, she snuggled next to him in the booth.

  “Wow, you guys are great together. Unlike left-foot Charlie here.” She pushed her shoulder into Mitch’s.

  “Hey, at least I try.”

  Regina smiled at Mitch. “You are kinda cute when you’re trying to be sexy.” She sucked down her drink and flagged down the waitress, who brought out another round.

  Ellie’s phone vibrated in her jacket pocket. She dug it out and sighed.

  “It buzzed while you were in the bathroom, too,” Dex said.

  She read the text and noticed that the previous text, also from Asshole, had already been read. “Did you read it?” She wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She’d never read his texts. I answered Bruce’s phone. The thought gave her pause. Why would I answer Bruce’s phone but not read Dex’s texts? The answer came like a breath of fresh air. Because I trust Dex. And then the realization hit her. Hard. He doesn’t trust me.

  He hadn’t answered her question. The table fell silent. Ellie was aware of Regina and Mitch sharing a glance, though she didn’t look to see how it translated.

  “Dex?”

  “Yeah, I did. I figured it was that guy, and I was worried.”

  She nodded, mulling over the implications. “And what did you find out from the text?” She’d read it. She knew exactly what he’d found out.

  “What you should have told me.”

  Their eyes locked. Ellie’s stomach twisted. She’d managed to fuck up her life again. She knew she should have told Dex about Bruce’s text, but all he’d asked was if it was her he’d seen by the thrift shop, and she didn’t want to worry Dex over something so innocuous. Damn it. She should have told Dex about seeing him in the first place.

  “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I knew you’d want to talk about it and it would become a big deal, and I just want it all to go away.” She reached for his
hand, but he pulled away. “You’re mad? You were just dancing with me and you were fine. That’s a terribly delayed reaction.”

  “I was waiting to see if you’d tell me. I want to trust you, Ellie, but if you don’t trust me enough to tell me when things are going on, how can I trust you?”

  “Um, we’re gonna go to the bar for a bit. Move, Mitch.” Regina shoved Mitch out of the booth.

  “I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t.”

  “Ellie, what’s going on? Do you want to see this guy?”

  “No,” she said angrily. “That’s not it at all and you know that.” She pulled back, giving space to the anger that was growing between them. The ugly, unexpected, goddamn anger that was spearing her heart and shattering their wonderful evening.

  He leaned closer to her, his eyes dead calm, his voice a seductive thread of hope. “Then why, Ellie? All I asked for was honesty. Is that so hard? Or does honesty rank up there with staying in one place?”

  “That’s just mean.” And too damn close to the truth.

  “No, babe.” He ran his finger down the line of her jaw, and she wanted him to follow it up with a kiss despite the hurt in his eyes and the ache that ran through her entire body. “The truth isn’t mean. It just is.” He didn’t shift his gaze. He waited. Too damn patiently.

  Ellie’s heart raced for a whole different reason than it had earlier. She thought of what Regina had said, and she thought of how much she loved Dex, and finally, the truth came out loud and clear. “I just want it to go away. If you start something, it will never go away. I want to wake up and be done with it. I hate worrying when my phone rings. I hate that I see the same worry in your eyes with every text. I wish I could go back three months and never accept that date with him. But then I think…no, I don’t wish that at all, because if I didn’t accept that date, I wouldn’t be here now, with you.” She moved closer to Dex, though he made no move to accept what she was saying. He sat up straighter and leaned against the wall.

  “Whatever my fucked-up life has been and whatever that asshole put me and his wife through, even though it sucked, it brought me here. Right here, Dex. With you. Can’t you see that I am trying? I want what we have—the love, the closeness, being with my best friend day and night—but I’m not you. My fucking moral compass doesn’t always tell me to shoot straight. Sometimes it says to jump over the hurdles that are too big or too scary. Or sometimes to avoid them altogether, but you have to know that I’d never want to be with someone else.”

  Dex’s stoic expression killed her. She breathed faster, feeling like the air was being sucked from the room. He couldn’t possibly believe she’d want to be with someone else. Could he?

  “Dex?” Her voice was a thin thread.

  He tore his eyes away, and it felt like he’d scraped her heart with sandpaper. He ran his hand through his hair.

  “I don’t honestly believe you want to be with anyone else. But when you didn’t answer your phone this afternoon and then you came home looking like something awful had happened and I knew you were keeping it from me, what was I supposed to think? All I know was that I had that sinking feeling in my gut that made me feel like I was drowning, just like when you left last time.”

  “But I told you I wouldn’t leave.” Even as she said it, she knew it wouldn’t hold enough weight. She’d left last time, and she knew how hard it had been for them both to get over that hurt. She saw it in his eyes, and if she was honest with herself, even as he loved her in the shower, on the bed, every moment he was with her, she felt the worry and mistrust hovering behind all that emotion. Lurking. Waiting to come forward like a ghost and slip in like a barrier between them, whispering, I knew you couldn’t stay.

  He reached in his pocket and threw a wad of cash on the table; then he took her hand and pushed her gently out of the booth. “Come on.” He crossed the floor to Regina and Mitch. “Hey, I paid, but we’re gonna take off.”

  Mitch nodded. “You guys okay?”

  He looked at Ellie, and her first inclination was to run. Sprint out the front door as fast as she could and jump on a train to anywhere just to outrun the pain of her life falling apart—again. In the next second, she gripped Dex’s hand tighter, and she knew she never wanted to let go.

  “Yeah, we’re good.”

  Ellie wondered why he lied. They headed for the door, and Regina reached out and grabbed hold of Ellie’s arm, tugging her away from Dex, and for a split second, Ellie wanted to fall into her arms and cry.

  Regina held on to her so tightly Ellie worried she was upset that she’d hurt Dex. Regina lowered her head so only Ellie would hear her whisper.

  “You deserve to be loved. Do you hear me?”

  Ellie didn’t answer. She couldn’t push anything past the lump that formed thick and resistant in her throat.

  Regina yanked her closer. “Did you hear me, Ellie? You are not a product of the fucking system. You deserve to be loved, and if you have to fight for it, then that’s what you do. Fight for this with everything you’ve got.” She tugged her against her bony chest and hugged her.

  Ellie felt the beating of Regina’s heart against her chest. She shot a glance in the mirror behind the bar and caught a glimpse of the wicked stare Regina was giving Dex. It had been a long time since Ellie had an ally, and now the lump in her throat anchored her feet to the ground as tears of thankfulness pressed against her lids. She gripped Regina’s wiry waist, hoping her eyes would convey the thank-you that wouldn’t push past the goddamn lump.

  I deserve to be loved. I deserve Dex.

  Dex reached for her hand and yanked her away from Regina. He narrowed his dark eyes and glared at Regina as he dragged Ellie out the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  FRUSTRATION BUBBLED WITHIN Dex’s chest and gut. He stifled the desire to release years of suppressed frustration and tell Ellie exactly how she was driving a knife through his heart. Ellie clung to his hand like a lifeline as he pulled her to the street and flagged down a cab. They climbed in, and she looked at him with her beautiful blue eyes, sadness and worry fighting for top billing. Damn it. He needed a shield to protect himself from the love he had for her. He looked away, feeling his nostrils flare and his chest constrict. He gave the driver his parents’ address.

  “Why are we going there?” Ellie asked.

  “Because. That’s where this all started, and that’s where we’re gonna figure this out.” He stared straight ahead, the muscles in his neck twitching with the need to look at her. Dex had always been in control of everything in his life—except his feelings for Ellie and their relationship. In every other aspect of his life, he knew where he was going and he knew how he was going to get there. Now he was completely, one hundred percent fucked. He knew what he wanted, but he was not even remotely in control of how to get there—or what it would take to remain there with Ellie. Always with Ellie.

  They drove in silence for a long time. Forty minutes, maybe fifty with traffic, he wasn’t sure, but it felt like forever, and it gave him time to think. People had always come in and out of Dex’s life. Friends from college, colleagues in the gaming industry, girlfriends, buddies, but very few had remained on the fringe of his every thought like Ellie always had. As they drove toward his parents’ neighborhood, he wondered if she was on his mind because she was unobtainable. The whole wanting-what-you-can’t-have thing, but then his mind revisited the last few days. Ellie was here. Present. With him. She is trying. She got a job and was putting down roots. With him. She wasn’t running away. No, he decided. She wasn’t unobtainable. At least not anymore.

  “Dex?”

  He looked down at their hands. How many nights had he held her hand? How many nights had he been afraid to move for fear of waking her and having her crawl out the window? Dex loved Ellie’s small, feminine hands. He loved the way the curve of her palm felt against his, the way her fingers were so slim he could barely tell they were laced between his. He loved when they touched his chest and roamed lower, loving
him in ways that could only come from her heart.

  “Yeah?” he answered.

  “How did we come to this? Over a text? I don’t understand what’s going on, and I need to.”

  “So do I,” he answered solemnly. He still couldn’t look at her, though he felt her eyes boring into him, trying to read his expression, which he hoped was unreadable. He’d always thought he was as good at caging off his emotions as Ellie was, but the truth was, she read him like a book. She knew when he needed her, and she knew when he loved her.

  Do you feel both now, Ellie?

  The driver’s deep voice broke the silence. “Where would you like me to drop you off?”

  “The corner of Carlisle and Marlboro, please.” The tension brewed in his stomach and filled his limbs with heat. He didn’t know what led him here tonight, but he assumed he’d figure it out.

  That’s how Dex handled everything in life. He acknowledged the issue, studied it, then calculated possible solutions. When there was an impediment, he found its weakness and worked past it. Ellie’s weaknesses were his undoing: honesty and staying power, or lack thereof. To work past those weaknesses, they needed to acknowledge them and understand where they stemmed from. On nothing more than a hope and a prayer, Dex paid the driver and stepped from the cab.

  “You want me to wait for you?” the driver asked.

  Dex glanced at Ellie as she stepped from the car and shivered against the night air. “No, thank you. We’re good.”

  He watched the cab drive away. Ellie wrapped her arms around herself.

  “Why do you keep saying we’re good when we’re obviously anything but good?” she asked.

  He didn’t answer. He reached for her hand, and she slid her hand under the back of his shirt and pressed her palm against his skin. His heart ached for her. He’d give anything to turn back, go home with Ellie and climb into bed, then love every inch of her and pretend tonight never happened. Forget they needed to fix anything and just be happy loving her. But Dex’s mind never forgot, and he needed more. He wanted more—of Ellie. He wanted all of her. Forever. He would never have that until her past became their past.