Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  For me it would also be like a holiday. I hadn’t been to New York in a while and, as much as I loved Ireland, I needed to see my hometown every so often. I wanted to see Chris and Melissa, and spend some quality time with them before their baby was born and they became too busy being parents to spend time with me.

  It was tempting. Very tempting.

  “Well, I’m your physio, after all. I guess it would be just normal if I went with you. I could ask my colleagues to take care of my patients while I was away.”

  She still didn’t look sure, although she was less torn than before. I could tell the little angel was winning over the devil this time.

  “How long would this clinical trial last?” she asked casually, as if she were inquiring after a holiday.

  “Eight weeks. More or less.”

  She stared at the wall in silence and I felt a little nervous. I wanted her to accept but I was also afraid of what would happen if she did. I’d have to leave and go with her, now that I’d offered. I’d feel awful to leave Gran alone, but I had to admit I was quite excited at the thought of being in New York again and spending time with my friends.

  And Kathleen.

  It’d definitely be a great boost for my career.

  Twenty-four-seven.

  Okay, what was wrong with my mind now? Where did these thoughts come from? I wasn’t going to New York for a romantic holiday with a girl—I was going to work.

  Yeah, right.

  I felt like screaming, so I bit on my bottom lip and pretended not to hear the annoying voice in my head. I had no interest in Kathleen other than the plain, professional kind. Period.

  “Can I think about it for a day or two, or do you need an answer now?”

  Her words interrupted my inner fight and I stared at her blankly, trying to focus on the subject at hand.

  “Um… yeah, sure. No problem. Take your time.” Her shoulders relaxed and I smiled instinctively. “Life doesn’t always turn out the way we’d planned, Kathleen, but it’s up to us to turn something bad into something good. You’re so young, you can’t give up without trying the utmost. You can try this last option and if it doesn’t work, well, you’ll have had a nice vacation in New York courtesy of the US government.”

  She nodded and I thought I could see a little more determination in her eyes. I was sure she was going to say yes eventually.

  I looked at my watch and noticed our time was up, so I stood and pushed her out where her mother was waiting. Then, after I said goodbye, I dashed down the corridor, hoping to find Gerard in his office.

  Chapter 13

  Kathleen

  March 8

  We’d been in New York for three weeks but I didn’t feel any better. I’d undergone new tests, specific scans, different kinds of treatment, but I still couldn’t feel my legs, and my mood was gloomier than ever. Nobody could really understand what was wrong with me since there were no spinal damages or anything else that would cause a paralysis, so yesterday Chris told me I’d start seeing one of the neuro-psychologists who took part in the clinical trial while keeping up physiotherapy with Colin. I wasn’t really looking forward to talking about my life with a stranger, but I’d accepted the clinical trial terms and conditions, so I had to do everything Chris said.

  However, in spite of the bad news and the aching in my heart every time I got out of bed and into that awful wheelchair, there were moments when I was happy to be here.

  With Colin.

  My Ice Queen armor had finally started to melt and we’d gotten closer. The invisible line between patient and doctor had blurred and we’d developed a sort of friendship.

  At times he reminded me of Declan and I felt as if we’d known each other forever and I could talk about anything with him, the way I used to do with my brother. Other times, though, I saw him for who he was: a gorgeous, sweet and caring man, whom I was falling in love with day after day, even though I was well aware that it would remain unrequited.

  He would never love me back, I was wise enough to know that. I was in a wheelchair and I’d never be normal again, while he was a real Prince Charming and could have all the women he wanted.

  Even so, I was content with having him to myself, twenty-four-seven, and I was going to enjoy that as long as it lasted. Once we went back home to Dublin I probably wouldn’t need therapy anymore and I’d stop seeing him. My blood went cold at the thought of having to say goodbye to this wonderful man, but I had to accept it—and make the most out of my time here in New York.

  Over the weeks I’d also gotten to know Chris a little better. He was a nice guy and I really enjoyed spending time with him. Just like Colin, he didn’t treat me like an invalid, but more like a person, and he’d told me lots of funny things about Colin’s past—although obviously I never told Colin he had.

  Chris also told me about his wife and their soon-to-be-born baby, and I could tell he was excited about it. They’d asked Colin to be the godfather, and Chris complained about the fact they’d have to ask Melissa’s sister to be the godmother since Colin didn’t seem to be able to maintain a steady relationship. I’d blushed and looked away when he’d said that, not sure I wanted to know about his love life. I had quickly changed the subject and he hadn’t noticed, but his words lingered in my mind for a while.

  He couldn’t maintain a steady relationship. What made me even wish he’d be interested in me, then? Maybe he was a player, one of those men who enjoyed having a different woman every week. Why on earth would a man like him be interested in a woman in a wheelchair?

  I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Now I was able to get dressed by myself, thanks to Judith who’d helped me overcome that obstacle a few days before I left for New York, and I could do things without bothering other people. It had been tough at first—how hard a simple thing like getting into my pants was had been a hard blow to my ego and pride—but Judith had been extremely patient and the day when I’d managed to get dressed all by myself had been one of the happiest I’d had since the accident. It was silly, but I’d cheered as if I’d just scored a try at the Six Nations Rugby Championship, and Judith had clapped her hands and laughed at my excited outburst.

  When I’d finally accepted I would never get back on my feet, resignation had taken over. I didn’t want to be a burden for my family and I was wise enough to know that no man would ever fall in love with me, so I knew I could count only on myself. I had to be able to live on my own and rely on my own strength—being able to shower and get dressed on my own had been the most important step in my return to a normal life.

  A knock on my door interrupted my reveries and I went to open it, knowing it was Colin who’d come to pick me up.

  “Morning Icy!” he said with that gorgeous dimpled grin that made my heart melt like butter every single time.

  I snorted and mumbled a “good morning”, feigning offense, but he laughed and stepped behind me to wheel me out of the room and into the elevator.

  * * *

  The taxi was stuck in rush hour traffic. I looked out the window, and the pouring rain reminded me of Dublin.

  “Deco,” I thought with a lump in my throat, “I wish you were here with me”.

  I sighed, staring at the people walking on the sidewalk, and my breath fogged up the glass.

  I’M HERE.

  I flinched as I saw the writing on the glass, just like the signs my brothers and I used to enjoy making on the windows of our father’s car when we were traveling in the back.

  I turned to look at Colin and he smiled at me; no, he hadn’t seen anything. Afraid he could read it in my eyes I looked away, back to the window, but the writing was gone and the glass was clear again.

  I inconspicuously breathed on the glass, to see if the writing would appear again, but nothing happened. I couldn’t deny the disappointment that caused a lump to form in my throat, making me want to cry. I was sure I’d seen those words; I hadn’t dreamed it.

  Ever since we’d come to New York I hadn’t seen Decl
an or felt him near me and I’d started to believe that the vision I’d experienced in Dublin had been caused by some sedatives they were giving me in the hospital. I’d held on to that flicker of hope that I hadn’t really lost him, that he would still be around; but now that I couldn’t feel or see him anymore dejection was starting to take the place of the little hope left in me. I still dreamed of him though, and I was glad I did; but when I woke up, he wasn’t there, and I was getting more and more convinced I had been delusional that night in Dublin.

  The taxi started to move through the traffic jam and we managed to reach the hospital. Colin helped me out of the cab, as usual, and pushed me through the automatic doors. The nurse at the reception desk smiled broadly as soon as she saw him, and I couldn’t really blame her; Colin was handsome and, as if that wasn’t enough, he was sweet and nice to everyone. No one could possibly not like him, even if they tried.

  We met Chris outside his office and he told me about this Dr. Pearson I was supposed to be meeting today, then got behind my wheelchair and pushed me into another office where I was to meet his colleague. Five minutes after Chris left the office, the door opened and a man walked in. His short graying hair was combed back and his dark eyes stared smilingly at me from behind a rimless pair of glasses.

  “Good morning, Kathleen. I’m Dr. Henry Pearson,” he said. His deep voice had a friendly tone that instinctively made me relax. “First things first, let’s get you out of that wheelchair and onto the couch.”

  Before I could do anything, he’d wrapped his arms around me and scooped me up, laying me down on a black leather couch which made me feel rather uncomfortable. I wasn’t really looking forward to telling him about my life, least of all about Declan or what I’d been going through in the past two months. He pulled up a chair and sat close to me, leaning against the backrest.

  “Now, Kathleen,” he said, clicking the cap of his pen and scribbling something on a notepad. Funny how hearing my full name didn’t feel so weird anymore; it almost made me feel at ease, after all the strangers I’d come across. “Why don’t you relax, close your eyes, take a long, deep breath and tell me what you see?”

  I turned to look at him with a frown, taken aback by his question. Wasn’t I supposed to tell him about my childhood, my relationship with my parents and all that kind of stuff people usually told a psychologist? At least, that was what I’d told the psychologist in Dublin when I’d been forced to have a consultation with her. Now, what kind of a question was that?

  His lips twitched when he noticed I was staring bewildered at him, and he gave me a knowing smile.

  “Yes, I know talking to a stranger isn’t easy, but you have to relax; it will all come naturally.”

  I looked away, feeling stupid for doubting his professionalism, and when he put a hand on my eyes I immediately closed them, not wanting to upset him.

  “Now breathe evenly and when you start seeing something, just tell me what it is.”

  I was starting to feel more at ease; his voice was deep and even, and it gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t experienced in a while. I inhaled deeply and tried to free my mind from everything else, just like he’d told me to do.

  Declan.

  His face was the first image that came to my mind. Should I tell Dr. Pearson about it? Or should I lie, saying that I was seeing a beautiful meadow, a waterfall or butterflies?

  “Don’t be afraid to speak, Kathleen,” he said, his deep voice piercing the silence.

  “I…” I stuttered, afraid to say it out loud. “I see my brother.”

  I could hear his pen scribbling something on the paper and I felt stupid for admitting it. Maybe I should have lied. I felt like I was in an exam and I didn’t know the answers, and whatever I said would be wrong. I contemplated sitting up and asking to leave, but his voice stopped me from doing it.

  “And what is your brother doing?” he asked, as if he’d expected my answer and it wasn’t so absurd after all.

  My eyes were still closed and I tried to concentrate on what I saw. My breath was even and deep, and it almost lulled me. I was feeling less tense with each breath, and this helped me get over my fear of saying the wrong thing. So I decided to start talking, simply letting the words work their way out of my brain and through my mouth.

  “He’s smiling at me; he looks peaceful, and he’s wearing the sweater I gave him for Christmas.”

  I could hear Dr. Pearson scribble and, as I got more confident, I told him everything I could see in my mind—hundreds of images, like slides on a big screen. I saw a fifteen-year-old Declan playing hurling with his friends, his face covered in mud after he’d gotten a little too excited about the game and fallen face down into a puddle. I saw him on the day he left Ireland to move to New York, the hugs and tears at the airport, and I felt his arms around me, just like that day three years ago. I saw the two of us, barely more than kids, running on the beach with our friends on a nice summer’s day. I saw my twenty-first birthday party when Declan had come home to celebrate with me. I saw the two of us standing in front of Tiffany’s when I’d gone to visit him in New York, and feeding the birds in Central Park. I saw his smile; in every single image he was smiling, and his blue eyes looked like sapphires. Tears streaked my cheeks, but I didn’t mind; I didn’t want to open my eyes and lose the wonderful visions that kept me close to Declan, and Dr. Pearson didn’t ask me to, either.

  I saw many more visions of my brother and, as peace pervaded my body with every single vision, I slowly fell asleep.

  Chapter 14

  Colin

  March 8

  While Kathleen was with Dr. Pearson, Chris and I spent time talking about her situation. I’d been really hoping this clinical trial would help Kathleen get better, but I’d been building my hopes up too high. Chris couldn’t understand what the problem really was, as it had seemed to work with other patients who’d enrolled, but getting no reaction from Kathleen was troubling him—and it was troubling me, too. Sending her to Dr. Pearson was the last ace he had up his sleeve, and he really hoped it would work. If the problem wasn’t physical, which was what we both agreed upon now, there had to be some sort of psychological block, something in her brain that inhibited her healing process.

  We were totally walking in the dark, trying anything just to make sure we wouldn’t have any regrets once the clinical trial was over. I hadn’t really told Chris why I wanted her to walk again, and why of all my patients I had suggested this trial only to her; but he knew me, and I was sure that, after I’d told him about her brother and how painful it had been for her, he’d understood the reason behind my stubbornness and decided to do his best to help her.

  When Dr. Pearson walked out of his office with a pleased expression on his face I suddenly relaxed, without realizing I’d been tense the whole forty-five minutes Kathleen had been in there. He told us she’d fallen asleep and suggested I take her back to the hotel so I walked in, and when I saw her sleeping peacefully on that couch, my heart warmed. She looked so cute, and I wished with all my heart we’d be able to help her get back to a normal life; she deserved it.

  Chris walked in behind me, offering to push the wheelchair and call us a cab. I scooped her up in my arms and when she snuggled up close to my chest, something fluttered in my stomach.

  During the ride from the hospital to the hotel I tried to be as immobile as possible, not wanting to wake her. After a few minutes in the car, she’d rested her head on my shoulder and I’d not moved since, realizing it had been a long time since I’d let anyone snuggle up so close to me. The last time it had happened I’d understood the girl was growing a little too fond of me and of our relationship and, just like I always did when a girl was getting too close, I’d broken up with her the day after.

  But now, with the soft weight of Kathleen’s head on my shoulder and strands of her silky hair brushing my neck, it didn’t feel so scary. It actually felt something close to good, and I wondered how that was even possible.

  I looked o
ut the window onto the busy streets as we passed by FAO Schwarz toy store, and a sudden pain stung my chest. I used to love going to this store when I was a kid; I remembered dragging my mom inside every time we passed by and staring in wonder at all the amazing toys on the shelves. I remembered how Mom always said she wouldn’t buy me another toy, but she’d always end up giving in to my pleas and buy a little something just to make me happy.

  Dad was always complaining she wasn’t firm enough when it came to saying no, and she would shrug and say she couldn’t resist my beautiful blue eyes.

  Mom loved my eyes because they were the same shade as Dad’s. She used to tell me his eyes were the thing that made her fall so badly for him, and that she’d always hoped her children would have them, too. After I’d understood I could win her over with one languid stare, there was nothing Dad could do about it. Apart from grounding me, of course.

  I smiled as the memories came back and I felt the sting of tears but, as I’d done for the past fourteen years, I fought them back. I’d become a master at that, and the last thing I wanted was to start reminiscing with Kathleen asleep next to me.

  We’d almost reached the hotel when Kathleen finally stirred. When she realized she was leaning against me, she immediately moved back, sitting upright in the seat.

  “Well, good morning!” I said, hoping to lighten the tension her nearness to me had caused. “It’s high time you woke up, Icy.”