Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  She blinked a couple of times, looking bewildered as she tried to understand what had happened.

  “Did I fall asleep in Dr. Pearson’s office?” she asked, although by the way her cheeks had reddened I was sure she didn’t have any doubt about it. I nodded and grinned, causing her to blush even more.

  “Gosh, this is so embarrassing! I don’t know how it happened, but I haven’t felt so relaxed in months. He really knows how to put his patients at ease.”

  “I would’ve taken offense had you fallen asleep during one of my sessions,” I teased, folding my arms across my chest in mock pout. She arched an eyebrow and grinned.

  “It would be humanly impossible to fall asleep during one of your sessions, Mr. I-Can’t-Keep-My-Mouth-Shut!”

  “Ouch!” I gasped in a mix of feigned surprise and offense, clutching at my heart, and she giggled. Dr. Pearson really had worked miracles, it seemed; she definitely looked less tense than she had during the last few weeks, and her eyes had lost a bit of the sadness that had veiled them since the accident.

  Maybe Chris was right; maybe the problem was all in her mind and, if Dr. Pearson managed to make her open up, she might heal. Or maybe I was just building up my hopes again. Deep down, I was hoping all our efforts wouldn’t be in vain.

  “That was a low blow, Icy,” I said, in a hurt tone.

  She giggled again. I was really starting to love the sound of her laughter. It meant she was getting better, and it was all I really wanted.

  The taxi stopped a minute later and, after I paid for the ride, I helped her out and pushed her into the hotel lobby. She’d gone all quiet and I didn’t know how to handle that. Sometimes her mood swings scared me, but I knew all too well how a little thing could trigger a painful memory, and you could go from laughing like crazy to feeling as if a truck had run you over in a matter of seconds. I’d been there, so I knew how it worked.

  “Wanna eat something?” I asked after my stomach grumbled. She looked as if she was trying to decide whether or not she should climb the Himalayas.

  “Okay,” she said, so I pushed her toward the hotel restaurant where we’d been dining basically every day since we’d arrived.

  I hadn’t expected I’d enjoy the nightlife of New York when I’d decided to come here with her, but it would’ve been nice to go out every now and then, maybe eat in one of the nice pizzerias in Little Italy and enjoy the city. But, for some reason, Kathleen didn’t seem to be interested in checking out the nightlife of the city that never sleeps, so I’d stopped asking.

  I’d been out with Chris and Melissa occasionally, but only when she’d decided to order room service instead of eating in the restaurant, and she’d been okay with that. If there was one thing I’d understood so far it was that if she wanted me to leave her alone there was nothing I could do to change her mind; I simply had to take a step back and let her be, if I didn’t want to start World War Three.

  We didn’t talk much during our lunch. She looked as if she was lost in a world of her own, and I didn’t know whether it was because of what happened in Dr. Pearson’s office or if it had been something I’d said. It hurt me to see that she needed a friend right now, someone she could talk to and I was right there in front of her, wanting to be that friend—but I knew she wouldn’t let me.

  When we finished eating I went upstairs with her and, as soon as she was safe inside her room, I turned and went back into mine, needing to be alone with my thoughts for a while.

  Chapter 15

  Kathleen

  March 9

  Declan and I were on our way to Dublin airport. He was driving my car, which was loaded with three of my suitcases where I’d fitted most of my clothes as well as his few clothes. This way he could pretend one was his and I wouldn’t have to pay for extra luggage.

  “A woman can never travel light,” I’d told him the day before when he’d stared at me with a quizzical look after he’d seen my plentiful luggage. Of course he’d never understand it because he was a man, and all he needed were a pair of jeans, his sneakers and a couple of T-shirts. And his leather jacket, of course—he would never go anywhere without it.

  We’d planned to leave the car in the airport parking lot so we wouldn’t have to take a taxi and David had agreed to pick it up later, before driving back to Galway.

  I’d spent my last night in Dublin celebrating my twenty-third birthday and my departure with a few friends and my siblings until the early morning. It had been fun, but it had also ended in tears, mainly on my side and also on Annie’s, my flatmate all through my college years. Although she’d been happy to know she’d have the house all to herself and her boyfriend, she’d been sad to watch me leave. We’d cried for a few minutes, hugging each other and promising to keep in touch.

  Maggie hadn’t cried, of course; she probably wouldn’t even notice I’d be gone. And David, well, he’d simply hugged me, wishing me luck, and reminding Declan to keep an eye on me.

  Now we were chatting happily while I said goodbye to every monument and building as we passed them by, making Declan laugh.

  “I’ll miss the Liffey,” I said, looking out the window as we passed by the dark waters of Dublin’s famous river. “And I’ll miss St. Stephen’s Green, although I bet Central Park is one-hundred times bigger. And I’ll miss Temple Bar and watching rugby matches surrounded by hordes of beery rugby fans.”

  I giggled when he turned to stare at me with quirked eyebrows. It had been quite a while since I’d gone to watch a rugby match in Temple Bar; it was something we used to do together. I hadn’t wanted to do it since he’d left. It simply didn’t feel right without him, not half as much fun.

  “What, don’t you miss Temple Bar, Declan?”

  “Well, New York’s got a lot to offer, especially on the entertainment side; but Temple Bar is kind of unique. I’ll always miss the craic.”

  I smiled, knowing what he was referring to; the very epitome of the Irish word craic was Temple Bar. There was no other place in town for the best fun than Dublin’s most renowned restaurant and pub quarter. Every day of the week, every hour of the day, people laughed, sang, played instruments, and enjoyed life to the fullest without worrying about tomorrow. Sometimes, when I was feeling lonely, I would walk down the narrow cobbled streets and feel better just hearing the laughs and the music.

  “But you’ll like it in New York, too. I’ll show you all the best places and I’ll take you to a couple of nice Irish pubs where you’ll feel at home. Just wait until St. Patrick’s Day: the streets of New York overflow with green. They even light up the Empire State Building in green; it’s amazing.”

  I fumbled in my seat, suddenly very excited and anxious to see it all—not like a tourist, but like a resident.

  “I can’t wait to be in New York,” I said, smiling at Declan who smiled back, turning away from the street for only a moment.

  “I can’t wait for you to be there, Kathy. I’ve missed you, sis.” He squeezed my hand, and I interlocked my fingers with his. I’d missed him, too. So much.

  I stared at him, while he focused on the traffic light, waiting for it to turn green. He kept getting more handsome as the years passed. He turned and smiled at me, his eyes creasing at the corners.

  “I want to have a say in the choice of your wife,” I said out of the blue, and he grinned at me. “I want to make sure you find a special person, someone who’ll appreciate how wonderful you are. I don’t want you to meet someone who’ll hurt you or treat you bad.”

  “I could never marry anyone who hasn’t previously been approved by my sweet little Kathy,” he said, repeating the exact same words he’d been saying for years, ever since he’d started dating girls and I’d become the most jealous little sister in the world. He used those words whenever he wanted to reassure me.

  I smiled and he squeezed my hand, then he let go to shift the gear to first now the light was green.

  “And I promise I’ll protect you from all the idiots who’ll be swarming around you o
nce we get to New York. American lads seem to find the Irish accent quite sexy, but I can assure you nobody will ever get close unless they’ve passed the polygraph first.”

  I laughed. “Well, that’s what big brothers are for.”

  It was then, while I was still laughing, that I saw the car coming toward us without any intention of stopping at the traffic light.

  Declan didn’t have time to react.

  I screamed his name before the car crashed into us with such force and speed that our vehicle spun and flipped over and over until it stopped in a ditch at the side of the road. It must have happened really fast, but to me it seemed as if it were in slow motion: I screamed when the car hit us, and I screamed even harder when the windshield shattered and the glass shards pierced my face and hands like thousands of needles.

  I looked at Declan; his face was covered in blood and his body lay limp against the seat, the belt keeping him upright. The airbag burst and I let out another scream when it hit my head and face, leaving me short of air as it pushed against my ribcage. Then the car finally stopped turning and landed on the passenger’s side. My head hit the window and everything went black.

  I was still screaming when I realized somebody was shaking me, gripping my shoulders and begging me to wake up. My eyelids fluttered open and I stared, bewildered, into a set of deep, blue eyes: Colin’s. He was standing over me and staring with the most worried expression I’d ever seen on his face. My vision blurred as the first round of tears welled in my eyes when I realized it hadn’t just been a dream.

  “The accident…” I whispered, and he moved closer to hear my words. I looked up and he was inches away from my face, but I was so shaken I barely even noticed. “I saw it… the car… it turned over, and the windshield shattered… I screamed but he didn’t hear me…” My voice cracked and I sniffled, the vision still clear in my head. “His face… it was all covered in blood… he wasn’t moving… he didn’t hear me… he couldn’t hear me…”

  A sob escaped my mouth as fresh tears streamed down my cheeks, excruciating pain crushing my heart and leaving me gasping for air. Colin’s arms were around me within a second and he held me close to his chest, rocking me the way my mum used to rock me when I was a child. It felt familiar and good and I held on, crying against his T-shirt and inhaling the fresh, citrusy smell of his cologne. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t even try make me stop; he just held me tight, one hand stroking my back, the other keeping me close.

  I wished I could erase all those memories, I wished I could turn back the hands of time and pretend nothing ever happened. My heart felt so heavy in my chest I wondered if someone had taken it out and replaced it with a brick. I was tired and weak.

  I didn’t know how long I cried in Colin’s arms, but when the last ounce of tears had leaked from my body, I let go and he released his hug. I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand and he handed me the box of tissues that was sitting on my nightstand. He didn’t urge me to speak, but one look into his eyes and the words came out.

  “I remember everything now. I wish I didn’t, I wish I’d never remembered. The vision will never go away, the image of him… of Declan, and all that blood…”

  I sniffled again. He nodded and patted my hand; it was nothing special, it wasn’t even romantic, but at that precise moment I really wished he would kiss me. It was irrational and totally inappropriate. I’d just relived the accident, I’d just seen the terrible way in which my brother had died—I’d seen his face covered in blood, and all I could think of was how much I wanted Colin to kiss me, how much I wanted him to love me. Maybe it was because I was in such pain I needed him to make me feel less lonely, to take the place of my brother and love me just as much as Declan had.

  “I guess your chat with Dr. Pearson must have worked,” he said, after a moment, when my breathing returned to normal and I stopped sniffling. “Maybe it stirred something inside your subconscious, and it might be a good thing. If that’s the problem behind your paralysis, you could be able to walk again.”

  I shook my head, sure the trauma caused by the accident had nothing to do with my paralysis. Still, a flicker of hope ignited in my heart, and I wished I could believe him.

  “How did you get in?” I asked when realization dawned on me that he was in my room but I hadn’t let him in.

  He shrugged. I guessed he was starting to get used to my sudden changes of subject when I didn’t want to talk about something anymore.

  “I heard you screaming and, when you didn’t open your door after I’d knocked, I called reception and asked them to let me in. Sorry about that; I didn’t mean to sneak into your room.”

  He grinned and once again I felt the urge to kiss him. I smiled weakly and thanked him for coming to check on me instead.

  I felt worn out. I stifled a yawn but not well enough, because he stood up and smiled at me, saying he’d go back to his room so I could get some sleep.

  “Just knock on the wall or call my room if you need anything, okay?”

  I nodded and thanked him again, but when he left I felt lonely. I tried to go back to sleep but the vision of the accident was still vivid in my head, so I left the light on, afraid to be alone in the dark, and waited for the light of day to peep in through the curtains.

  Chapter 16

  Colin

  March 10

  After I left Kathleen and went back to my room, I wasn’t able to sleep for at least an hour. I was shaken and I felt Kathleen’s pain squeezing my heart, as if it had somehow permeated through my skin while I was holding her, and had used my blood as a vessel to reach deep down into my heart and soul.

  When I woke up at the crack of dawn after a restless, haunted sleep, the pain was still searing, and I knew I needed a distraction. I got dressed and within five minutes I was in a taxi headed for Central Park. I knew a jog would help me push the pain back behind the bolted door where I’d locked all my emotions after my parents died.

  I came back just in time for a quick shower and breakfast. Kathleen was ready and waiting for me in her room, just like every day, and I could tell by the dark rings under her eyes that she hadn’t managed to get proper sleep after that dream either. I didn’t try to be cheerful or act silly like I always did; I simply went behind her and wheeled her out toward the breakfast room without either of us saying a word—a mutual unspoken agreement.

  When we reached the hospital after breakfast, we headed straight for the gym. Chris had agreed to let a couple of days pass before Kathleen spoke to Dr. Pearson again, and he’d told me I could take advantage of their gym and high-tech machines. By the way she was slumped in her wheelchair I could tell she wasn’t in the right mood for any kind of exercises today but I knew if I pushed, she would eventually give in.

  “How about we try something different today?” I asked in a tentative tone. She lifted her head toward me, chewing the inside of her cheek. “Maybe we could try to take a few steps, see if Dr. Pearson’s therapy has helped a little?”

  If possible, her shoulders sagged even more and she looked down at her hands, her index finger scratching the side of her thumb hard, as if she was trying to inflict herself pain just for the sake of it.

  “Nothing’s changed, Colin. I still can’t feel my legs.” Her voice was barely audible and on the verge of cracking. “How am I supposed to take a step if I still feel like my body ends at my waist?”

  I nodded. “How about some exercises to strengthen your arms, then? You’ll be needing them for support and I noticed you sometimes still struggle to get in and out of the wheelchair,” I suggested, hoping it would lift her spirits a little. “Would that do?”

  She shrugged and my heart sank even further than it had last night. I couldn’t bear to see the desperation in her eyes. I’d rather have the Ice Queen back, the girl who’d always snap and come up with witty remarks whenever I said something she didn’t like. This gloomy, acquiescent girl wasn’t Kathleen.

  I stepped close to her and scooped her up in my arms
, carrying her toward the parallel bars. She didn’t protest, like she usually did when she didn’t want to do an exercise I’d forced her to; she simply held on to my neck loosely.

  I put her down between the two wooden bars and asked her to concentrate on the muscles in her arms and upper body for support. When she did, I let go of her and took a step back. She crumpled as soon as I let go, and I caught her just before she fell face down on the floor.

  A sob escaped her mouth and she bit her lower lip, trying to stifle it without much success.

  “It’s okay, Kathleen. We’ll work on that and your biceps will be as strong as a professional wrestler in no time, I promise.” I put on one of my silly grins, and her lips twitched ever so slightly.

  I lifted her up and helped her back into her wheelchair, thinking some exercises with weights wouldn’t have a tough impact on her nerves. I was right. An hour later the worry line between her brows had disappeared and she even smiled at one of my silly jokes.

  “Since you’ve been a very obedient patient today,” I said while I was putting the weights back onto the supports on the wall, “I think you deserve a little prize.”

  I turned back and she stared at me with a quirked brow, curiosity painted all over her face.

  “I’m really dying for a Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity 3,” I said, rubbing my belly in circular movements. “But I’ll never be able to finish one on my own. Perhaps you’d like to join me?”

  Her face lit up and I knew gloomy Kathleen had finally left the room.

  * * *

  “This is absolutely the hugest hot chocolate I’ve ever had in my whole life,” Kathleen said with a broad smile, taking a spoonful of whipped cream from the top of the glass bowl sitting between us on the table. “No wonder you said you’d need help to finish it.”