Healing Our Hearts

by Grace Roberts

  I nodded. I loved Serendipity 3; I used to come here a lot before I left New York and I was sure Kathleen would love it, too. I was glad I’d been right about it. She looked so much happier than she had only half an hour ago, and so did I.

  “And it’s the best, too. You won’t find anything close to this in Ireland,” I said, bragging about my hometown just to tease her a little. She giggled and took a sip of the hot brown liquid through the plastic straw. I dug my spoon into the bowl and stuffed my mouth. When I looked up from the bowl and met her eyes, a broad grin spread across her face.

  “What?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. She took her paper napkin, reached out toward my face and wiped my lip with it. The sudden unexpected contact made my heart flutter and I found myself dumbfounded for an instant.

  Whoa, where did that come from?

  “You had a chocolate mustache.” She gave me a nervous smile, and I could’ve been mistaken but I was pretty sure her voice trembled a little.

  “Thanks. I can be worse than a kid sometimes.” I flashed a silly grin and hoped this would erase the awkward atmosphere the contact had created.

  “So, you told me this isn’t your first time in New York, right?” I asked, changing the subject.

  She sucked some hot chocolate through the straw and my gaze fixed on her lips for a couple of seconds, until I realized what I was doing and blinked, looking down at the bowl and fidgeting with my spoon.

  “I came to visit Declan two years ago. I only stayed a couple of weeks, so we didn’t see much. All the main museums basically, and we went to Tiffany’s and a couple of Irish pubs.” She twisted the straw between her thumb and her index finger, fumbling with it for a moment. A frown appeared on her face and I cursed inwardly: I should’ve known that talking about New York would have her think about her brother. How stupid of me.

  “I’d told Declan we’d leave all the main attractions for last. Once I was living here we’d planned to visit one every weekend, taking our time and not rushing like all the other tourists do.”

  The whipped cream had almost totally melted by now so she stirred the hot chocolate with her straw, creating swirling patterns when white mixed with brown.

  “I would’ve loved to visit the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. And Declan had promised to take me on a carriage ride in Central Park and to a musical.” She smiled at the memory and sucked a little more chocolate. For some reason, sharing a Frozen Hot Chocolate with Kathleen seemed extremely intimate, and I wondered once again what was wrong with me today. “He actually said we’d go to a different musical every week. I was really looking forward to that, you know.”

  She shrugged and I felt the insane urge to take her hand and rub it with my thumb.

  “I could take you,” I said, thinking it was the best way to cheer her up a little. She looked up from the bowl, the straw still clutched between her fingers. “There’s no better guide to show you New York than a real New Yorker!” I put on my strongest Yankee accent, something I knew always made her laugh. Her lips twitched for a moment, but then she shook her head and looked over my shoulder, refusing to meet my stare.

  “It’ll be too much trouble. It’s not as if I can walk around like other tourists and, after all, we’re not here on vacation. I’m your patient; you don’t have to hang out with me.”

  I didn’t know whether I felt more insulted or hurt; what made her think I hung out with her because I felt some kind of responsibility? We were two young people in a city with millions of things to offer, and that had been my home for sixteen years. Wasn’t it obvious I wanted her to enjoy some of it while we were here?

  “Just so we’re clear on this: nobody put a gun to my head saying I should hang out with you,” I said, studying her face. She turned to look at me, and our eyes locked. “But if you don’t want to spend time with me outside the hospital, you only have to say so.”

  She blushed and broke our gaze, folding the paper napkin in a sort of origami.

  “I didn’t mean that. I… I enjoy spending time with you, but I know I’m not much fun to be around with this thing I’m stuck in. You don’t have to babysit me; I’m okay with staying in my room after therapy, if you want to hang out with your friends.”

  I chuckled, in spite of myself, and she looked up from her little paper plane with a puzzled expression.

  “Finish up that chocolate, party pooper. It’s time we went back to the hospital. Besides, you’re depressing me.”

  She let out an annoyed snort, but her lips curved upward, and I knew that somehow I’d managed to lift her mood again. Now I only had to find a way to take her on a tour of the city when she was least expecting it and hopefully she’d stop being so gloomy.

  Chapter 17

  Kathleen

  March 14

  I looked around me, bewildered. I didn’t recognize the place, but I wasn’t scared, nor did I feel lost. An external force was pulling me and I walked down a path feeling more confident step after step, as if I knew exactly where I was going. I closed my eyes and a warm light shone on my face. I inhaled the smell of pine and leaves.

  I opened my eyes and was surrounded by tall trees, although they hadn’t been there a second ago. I took in the relaxing sight, enjoying the feeling of peace and freedom and knowing I would never want to leave this place. I looked up through the leaves and branches. I could see patches of blue sky; the sun was peeping in, shining bright on my face, and I felt at ease, at peace with myself.

  It was only after walking a while that I realized I wasn’t in the wheelchair anymore. I was walking! I looked down at my feet, stroked my legs and felt the touch of my hands, and a burst of happiness filled my body, making me feel as if I were soaring in the sky.

  Out of the corner of my eye a bright light flashed. I looked toward it; it was white, warm and inviting. I started moving while all around me the trees faded and a hot, red and orange glow took their place.

  Without warning, the peaceful atmosphere disappeared. My legs became heavy and I started sweating, almost gasping for air. I thought I was going to melt. I slumped to the hard, grass-covered floor, hugging my knees and felt sad, lonely and scared. I wanted to cry.

  “Kathy.”

  Declan stood in front of me, engulfed in a bright, white aura. I smiled, feeling immediately better.

  “Kathy, please get up and leave.”

  I frowned. He held out his hand to help me up, but I didn’t take it.

  “I’m tired, Declan. I need to rest for a while.” I raked my hands through my hair. It was wet with sweat. “I’m so tired.” I whispered, and I let out a long sigh.

  “There’s no time, Kathy. You have to leave. Now,” he urged, his hand hanging in mid-air for me to take. “Get up, Kathy. Please go away.”

  I didn’t think my legs would support me if I tried to stand; they felt like lead and jelly all in one. I was sure I’d fall flat on my face but when I met Declan’s eyes, I knew he’d catch me—I knew he’d pull me up. So I finally took his hand, its touch feeling weird in my own, not like it used to when he was alive.

  When we were alive, as I was quite sure I was dead now—if I could touch him like that it could only mean I was dead, too. He pulled me up and encircled me in his arms, something I’d longed for. I wasn’t scared anymore and I didn’t care if I was dead; I was there with him at last, and it was all that really mattered.

  “You have to go now, hon.” He released me from his hug but I gripped tighter, refusing to let go.

  “I don’t want to leave you, Deco. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to be with you, here, wherever that may be.”

  His hands stroked my back, filling my body with warmth and something that felt like hope, as he whispered in my hair, “I’ll always be with you, Kathy; but you can’t stay now, the time’s not right.” He pushed me back and looked at me: his eyes were the color of the Irish sky in spring, and they gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t experienced in months. “You have to go, now. Come on.”

>   I shook my head, trying to hold on but it was like attempting to hug air: he was standing in front of me but I couldn’t touch him, I couldn’t hug him. He was slowly fading away, like the morning mist dissipating when the sun comes up. I tried to grab his hand, to keep him with me, but he smiled and shook his head. The last words I heard him say were, “I love you, my sweet, little Kathy. I’ll always be with you.”

  My eyes fluttered open and I coughed, feeling two strong arms holding my shaking body.

  “Kathy! Oh, thank God, Kathy; you’re back. You’re all right, you’re all right now,” a familiar voice said. “I thought I’d lost you.”

  Colin smiled at me, his brow knitted in a worried expression and… were there tears in his eyes? He’d never called me Kathy before and it felt weird, good—familiar. Too familiar.

  I shivered as the cold seeped through my pajamas from the pavement, although I had a blanket wrapped around my body and I could feel Colin’s body heat through it. When I looked up I realized we were outside on the street. What had happened? Why wasn’t I in bed? Where was Declan? He was with me only a moment ago. I was sure I hadn’t dreamed it this time.

  “What…” I tried to speak, but I was wearing an oxygen mask. Colin removed it from my face and another man took it from him.

  “A short circuit caused a fire to break out on our floor and we had to leave our rooms. I banged on your door, tried to get in, but you wouldn’t answer and the smoke was becoming so thick, I couldn’t breathe.” He paused, his voice close to cracking, and I wondered if he’d been crying. “When Al came by,” he continued, pointing at the firefighter standing by us, “he sent me away and said he’d take care of you. I waited here in the street, not knowing if you were okay, if he’d managed to save you, until he came out carrying you in his arms.”

  I stared at him, taking in the expression on his face: his features were tense, his eyebrows furrowed.

  “I’m fine,” I whispered, trying to reassure him, and coughed a couple of times. My throat was on fire, as if I’d smoked a pack of cigarettes all at once. He nodded, smiling sweetly.

  “You are now, yes. And listen to this, Kathleen: something incredible happened in there.” He looked me straight in the eye and I realized he was still holding me, as if he were afraid something bad would happen if he let go. “When Al opened the door you fell straight into his arms. He said you were probably standing against the closet by the door and when he opened it you sagged against him. Do you get it? You were standing, Kathleen. You must’ve walked to the door!”

  I stared at him, dumbfounded.

  I had walked? I had walked!

  The dream… it hadn’t been a dream. The red and orange glow I had seen was the fire, and the white light… it was probably where I would’ve gone if my brother hadn’t saved me, if he hadn’t pushed me away.

  If he hadn’t helped me get out of my room.

  Declan’s words came back to me and I finally understood why he kept urging me to leave, saying I had to go. He’d saved me.

  “Declan,” I whispered.

  “It’s me, Kathleen. It’s Colin,” he said, and the crease between his brows intensified.

  I looked at him and frowned. “I know; it’s just…” I trailed off, not sure he’d understand. He’d never believe me and he was the only friend I had right now; I couldn’t risk losing him.

  “I’m cold,” I said, changing the subject, and he wrapped the blanket—and his arms—tighter around my body. I shuddered, but not because of the cold this time. It felt good—and this definitely wasn’t good.

  Al came back to check on me and informed us we’d be temporarily moved to another hotel two blocks down. We’d be able to go back to our rooms tomorrow, without having to find another hotel to stay in.

  “Should I call an ambulance for you?” Al asked Colin who looked at me, assessing my condition.

  “I’m fine,” I reassured him. Colin narrowed his eyes, as if he was somehow expecting me to stand up and walk all the way to the hotel. But, in spite of what had happened inside my room, the truth was I still couldn’t feel my legs. “I can’t walk to the hotel, but a taxi would be enough. I don’t really need to go to hospital. Again.”

  Colin raised an eyebrow, his deep blue eyes darker than ever. I smiled tentatively, hoping he’d understand I was okay. He tilted his head to the side, then stood up.

  “Really, I’m fine, Colin. I’m just cold.” I wrapped the blanket tightly around my body, but somehow it didn’t feel half as good as when Colin had held me in his arms while he was sitting on the pavement close to me.

  I smiled at Al as he pushed my wheelchair toward me. I thought it was cute that he’d gone back to get it from my hotel room.

  “Remind me to ask for a copy of your room key once we’re back in our hotel,” Colin said when Al walked away. I raised an eyebrow, and he shrugged. “I want to make sure I can come in and rescue you if something bad happens. I never want to feel so useless again.”

  His words made my heart swell and I simply nodded, unable to think of a way to express my feelings right now. He smiled and put me back in my wheelchair. Once again, in spite of what had happened in the room, I was back to life on wheels.

  Chapter 18

  Colin

  March 14

  As I watched Kathleen sleeping peacefully in her bed I breathed evenly, trying to calm my nerves. I had no intention of going back to sleep, no matter how wrecked I’d feel in the morning. I just couldn’t get over the feeling that had squashed my heart only an hour before, that was still squeezing it tight even now she was safe and asleep.

  I’d almost lost her.

  For what felt like endless minutes I’d thought I was never going to see her again. When that firefighter found me banging on her door, desperately trying to get in, he’d shooed me away. A chill ran down my spine, the same chill I’d felt when they’d told me my parents died. That was when I finally realized what I’d been trying to deny until then: I loved Kathleen.

  I was in love with that sweet smile of hers, with the way she wrinkled her nose when she didn’t like an exercise, with the enthusiasm she got sucked up in every time she spoke about her brother. Every time I looked into her lovely blue eyes I felt I could drown in that ocean. I felt spellbound, as if I wouldn’t be able to leave her even if I tried.

  I’d always been extremely professional and never wanted to get involved with patients, no matter how attractive they were and how flirtatious they could get. I was a doctor, they were patients. Easy as that. But with Kathleen it was getting hard to keep my distance—it was getting impossible not to cross the line between the physiotherapist and the man.

  Ever since she’d walked into my life she’d brought back feelings I’d been trying to suppress for the past fourteen years. For the first time in over a decade, I felt I needed something to numb the pain, to make me forget who I was and why I was hurting.

  I needed a smoke. And a beer, too.

  I’d promised Gran I was done with cigarettes and alcohol, but she wasn’t here and she wouldn’t know; besides, I had no intention of going down that road again. I was too old, for starters, and I’d never really been proud of myself back then. I just needed some distraction to get over the burning sensation in my heart.

  I checked on Kathleen one more time; she was breathing evenly and was probably dreaming of something nice by the way her lips were curved slightly upwards, her face relaxed and peaceful. Even so, I scribbled a “be right back” note on the hotel stationery I found on the desk and left it on the bed next to hers I’d claimed as my own, just in case she woke up and didn’t find me there.

  I walked out, careful not to make any noise, and ran downstairs, hoping the hotel bar was still open and they sold cigarettes.

  I came back half an hour later with a single cigarette in my back pocket and a box of matches—courtesy of the barman downstairs. I sneaked in as silently as I could and checked she was still asleep. She hadn’t moved an inch, and I stared at her for
a good few minutes, lost in the vision of her beautiful face, her hair tied in a braid, her lips slightly parted.

  I want to kiss her.

  When I realized what kind of thought had crossed my mind I shook my head and stepped outside onto the balcony.

  I lit the cigarette and took a long drag, looking down at the busy street, although it was past one in the morning. The smoke filled up my lungs but it didn’t heal like it used to, when I found my relief in cigarettes and alcohol.

  I took another drag and rolled the cigarette between my fingers, staring at it as I remembered those horrible months I’d spent trying to get as wasted as I could. It felt like a lifetime ago, as if it had happened to someone else. It wasn’t me; that awful, stupid teenager wasn’t the person my parents had raised, the boy they loved and were so proud of.

  For the first time in years, I felt ashamed. I had been so stupid and immature, and once again I thanked heaven for Gran. I wouldn’t be the person I was today if she hadn’t been by my side, if she hadn’t taken care of me, if she hadn’t shown me she understood why I was acting like a moron.

  “Hey.”

  I turned at the sound of her voice and saw her in the wheelchair, her braided hair over her shoulder. She looked so beautiful I wanted to reach out my hand and stroke her sleepy face. I wanted it so much I had to break eye contact for a minute before I lost control and made a fool of myself.

  “Oh, hi. I’m sorry, did I wake you?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could, although my heart was beating fast in my chest.

  She smiled and shook her head, staring at my hand.

  “I didn’t know you smoked.”

  “I don’t,” I replied instinctively. Her eyes lit up with amusement and I realized how stupid I must have sounded.

  “That looks pretty much like a cigarette to me,” she said, pointing. I hung my head and smiled.