by Holly Martin
He pulled my legs around his hips and I closed my eyes and leaned back against the boat. Was it wrong that all I could think of was Harry?
*
Elias walked me back to my cabin, with his arm round my shoulders, keeping me warm against the chill of the night.
I leaned into him, kissing him on the cheek. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘Tonight, for being lovely.’
He smiled at me. ‘You are lovely. It was a pleasure meeting you.’
I let myself into the bedroom and was surprised to see Harry sitting on the bed waiting for me. I couldn’t read his face at all.
‘Did you have fun?’ His voice was cool and clipped.
I shut the door behind me. ‘What do you mean?’
‘With Elias. I came looking for you, I was worried. I see I didn’t need to be. I saw you with him.’
Anger erupted through me again.
‘And? You’ve probably been with Barbie all night, so don’t you dare preach to me.’
‘I’ve been here, waiting for you ever since you flounced off, and I think I have every right to preach to you as the whole point of your little outburst was you didn’t want me to leave you alone on holiday, you didn’t want me to be sleeping around with women that meant nothing to me – and then you go off with some man you’ve just met?’
‘How did that make you feel?’
‘Angry over your double standards.’
I rubbed my face, feeling suddenly very tired. ‘Why are you being so arsey about this? You kept telling me that I should get back on the horse.’
‘Not with the first bloke that flashes you a smile.’
‘Why not, it works for you, but they normally flash you their tits as well.’
He stood and started pacing the room, breathing heavily through his nose. He whirled to face me. ‘Fine then, we can both screw as many different men and women as we want on this holiday, we can do our own thing and meet up once a day for these stupid proposals.’
‘Great, that sounds perfect.’
‘Good.’
‘Good.’
We stared at each other. It was ridiculous and we both knew it.
‘Well we’d better get some sleep, we have to be up in five hours,’ Harry snapped.
‘Fine.’
‘Fine.’
I got changed into my pyjamas and when I turned back Harry was already in bed, facing away from me. I slid in beside him and clicked off the light. Of course I didn’t sleep a wink and neither, I don’t think, did he.
*
The plane touched down in Cancun, Mexico and my stomach rolled. It hadn’t been a smooth ride, we had hit every patch of turbulence possible. The windows had rattled, wind whistled through the toilet door, which I had been sitting next to. It was as if the plane had been made from paper. The toilet door banged open now, sending a waft of chemicals and toilet smells all over me. My stomach heaved again.
Harry and I had not spoken at all since we’d gotten up this morning. We moved around our cabin preparing for our departure as if we were strangers.
We’d endured in silence a boat ride back to Baltra Island, a taxi, a plane ride to Ecuador and then another plane here to Cancun. It only really occurred to me now, if we were to see the world in ninety days, most of our time would be spent travelling. We were halfway through our third day of our holidays and we’d only just touched down in our second destination.
I was exhausted. Lack of sleep, so much travelling and then the horrific journey – I felt rough.
The taxi trip to the hotel was awful, an hour’s journey as the taxi driver swerved round corners, screeched to a halt at traffic lights, spoke on the phone and shouted and swore a lot to anyone or everyone who was listening.
Harry sat in stony silence next to me, staring out the window.
We arrived at the hotel and I noticed the reception area was huge and white. White marble floors gleamed as they stretched down to white sandy beaches and turquoise waters. White curtains billowed in the windows, even the reception desk was white. It was so bright, it hurt my head.
Harry checked us in but I heard him ask if there was any chance of having separate rooms. They were fully booked due to a wedding and I found myself sighing with relief. We needed to sort this out, not add fuel to the fire.
The lift took us up twenty floors so quickly my ears popped and I felt my stomach roll again. What was wrong with me today? I felt so tired, so weak.
The white theme continued in our hotel room and it had the largest double bed I had ever seen in my entire life. I pushed open the balcony doors, letting the warm breeze wash over me. It did nothing for my lethargy and nausea. There was one word to describe what I could see. Paradise. Miles of white beaches stretched out as far as the eye could see. Turquoise waters danced with sunlight as if jewels were buried beneath the waves. Stalks of palm trees peppered the sands beneath me like oversized green daisies.
‘I need to go out.’
He speaks. I turned around to face him, but he wasn’t looking at me.
‘You need to be at the far end of the beach near the jetty at two o’clock. It’s just coming up for one-fifteen now. It should take you about ten, fifteen minutes from here.’
I sat down on the bed – my stomach was churning and I thought I was going to pass out at any second. I just needed to sleep off the horrible journey, that was all. Then I’d be fine.
‘Can we do this later?’ I said.
‘No. It’s booked for two.’
‘Can you do this one without me, I really don’t feel well.’
‘Can I do it without you? Can I propose to you without you?’
I saw his fists clench at his side. I knew he would never hurt me but he was clearly still upset and I had just poked at the angry bear with a sharp stick.
‘If you can’t even be bothered to turn up for the proposals then we might as well go home now. The airplane proposal that you slept through I can let slide…’
‘That was the sleeping tablets, that wasn’t really my fault and it was a lovely proposal, I saw it. I’ve said I’m sorry about missing it, I’m not going to keep apologising.’
‘If you don’t turn up this afternoon then I’m catching the next flight back home. You can do whatever the hell you want but with no funding from Silver Linings or Sunlounger once the blog is pulled, I expect you’ll have to come home too.’
He was right, I was being incredibly ungrateful. I sighed. ‘I’ll be there.’
Harry walked out the room and slammed the door behind him.
I lay down on the bed, but keeping my eyes open so I didn’t accidentally fall asleep. Though there was no chance of that, my stomach was rolling and cramping. I took a few deep breaths to quell the sickness but it did nothing.
Suddenly I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I had ever eaten in my entire life – it was as if my stomach was being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste. I was pretty sure that I had just thrown up a liver or even a kidney.
After my stomach was seemingly empty, I lay down on the bathroom floor, pressing my head into the cool tiles. I had to get up, I wasn’t going to let Harry down. My stomach rolled again. I’d get up in a minute.
*
I heard the bedroom door slam – Harry had no doubt returned because he had forgotten something, or to shout at me again. If there was going to be more shouting I wanted to at least be standing for it. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even open my eyes. Harry was talking to me, shouting at me, but I couldn’t understand anything he was saying, almost like I was underwater. I felt his arm round my shoulders as he lifted me and the next thing I knew I was lying on the bed.
A wet towel was wiped gently across my face. ‘Come on baby, open your eyes and look at me,’ Harry urged.
I did as I was told, staring up into his face and he smiled with relief.
I saw the clock over his shoulder and my heart jolted with sudden fear. ‘What time is it?’
‘It’s half two.’
‘No! No, no, no, no.’ I struggled to sit up but he pushed me back down. ‘I’m so sorry, I was sick. Oh God, no I didn’t mean to miss it, I’m sorry.’
I shivered and Harry pulled a blanket over me.
‘Are you mad?’
‘Oh I was spitting feathers. I was going to come back here and declare world war three. Strangely, seeing my best friend unconscious in a pool of her own vomit kind of made any anger go away. It puts it all into perspective a little bit.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be. I didn’t realise you were sick, I just thought you were tired and being grumpy with me again.’
‘I’m sorry for being grumpy with you too.’
He smiled. ‘I’m sorry too. I was an arse and it was completely uncalled for.’
‘No it was definitely called for. You’ve been amazing, all of this,’ I gestured feebly, ‘it’s wonderful. If you want to sleep with a different woman every night you go ahead.’
‘Ok enough of the apologies, how are you feeling?’
I reflected on how I felt. ‘My stomach hurts. I don’t feel sick. Not at the moment.’
‘Good. I’ve called a doctor. It’s probably just a sickness bug, but better get you checked out just to be on the safe side.’
‘How long have you been back?’
‘Five minutes maybe. I couldn’t wake you at all. I was panicking.’ He was still in panic mode now, I could tell that. ‘I was going to get you in the shower to see if I could rouse you and clean you up a bit, but then thought I better ring a doctor instead. He suggested that I just try to bring you round first. Would you like a shower now, it might make you feel better?’
I did feel sticky and I smelt bad, the thought of the doctor examining me when I smelt like this was not a pleasant one. I nodded.
‘I’ll help you.’
‘What?’
I was very awake all of a sudden.
‘Suzie, you’re as white as… Ryan Gosling’s shirt.’
I smiled at this. As if he remembered the inane ramblings I had uttered the week before.
I sat up carefully and swung my legs off the bed. Harry was right – I was wobbly – but I managed to make it into the bathroom without any help.
He switched the shower on and we stood staring at each other. We were about to crash straight across the boundaries of friendship by showering with each other and we both knew that.
‘So, I’ll erm…’ I gestured that I should get in.
‘Well you should probably take your clothes off first.’
I plucked at my T-shirt and then slid it up over my head. I didn’t dare look at him as he pulled his own T-shirt off.
Ok this was no different than beach wear – me in my underwear, him in his shorts. I certainly wasn’t going to take anything else off.
I stepped in the shower and he got in behind me. I would just have to ignore him, ignore his heat, ignore the sudden desire to kiss him. God, he was standing so close.
Desperately trying to ignore his proximity, I stepped directly under the water, soaking my hair. The shower was having the desired effect. It was cooling me down, clearing my brain of the fog. But suddenly his hands were in my hair, his fingers running through from root to tip. He leaned round me to get the shampoo and I heard him squeeze it out into his hand and then he was massaging it into my head, softly flexing his fingers into my scalp.
I closed my eyes, every nerve ending alert, zinging with his touch. He was thorough, ensuring the shampoo was rubbed into every strand of hair. He gently tilted my head back, so he could wash the shampoo out, his hands running through my hair again.
Once the shampoo was out of my hair, he swept my hair off my neck and over my shoulder. He reached round me again, and opening one eye I saw him take some shower gel.
My breath quickened at the thought of him being as thorough with my body as he had been with my hair.
He started rubbing my neck, moving his hot hands to my shoulders and then to my back. But it became very evident that he wasn’t washing me, he was massaging me. He ran his hands down my spine, and then back up to my shoulder blades, his fingers pressing firmly into my skin, applying the exact amount of pressure in some areas and being gentle on other parts.
I realised, when my lungs started to scream in protest, that I had been holding my breath, and as I let out the air, a noise escaped from my throat that was guttural, filled with desire. I prayed he hadn’t noticed.
‘Turn around,’ he mumbled into my ear, his hot breath sending delicious shivers through my body.
I did as I was told, wobbling a bit as I did. I watched his eyes. He was trying really hard not to look at me, finding the floor strangely fascinating. He squirted more soap into his hands and he ran them down my arms. As he reached my hands he linked fingers with me, pulled my arms up and rested them on his shoulders.
‘Lean on me if you need to.’
Taking advantage of my friend’s good nature, I slid my hands round his neck and his eyes immediately flicked up to meet mine, searing into mine.
He let out a slow, long breath as his hands moved tentatively to my waist and he shuffled slightly closer.
A loud knocking on the hotel room door echoed through the bathroom.
Harry swallowed. ‘That will be the doctor.’
I nodded, unable to say anything. If the doctor was going to listen to my heart right now, it would sound like hard rain on a tin roof.
‘You look a lot better, actually.’
What did that mean? Was he going to turn the doctor away? ‘I feel a lot better.’
He nodded and I saw his eyes glance down to my lips just for a second before the knocking sounded again.
He turned the shower off and stepped out of my arms. The moment, if indeed there ever had been one, was gone.
He pulled a fluffy towel off the rail and wrapped me in it.
‘I’ll get you some dry clothes and then the doctor can take a look at you.’
I nodded, and the next moment Harry was gone. I heard him talk to the doctor and he briefly returned to the bathroom with a pile of dry clothes and then he left me alone.
What had happened then? Had he been about to kiss me? No, he was just helping me to take a shower. But the way he had looked at me, like a lion about to devour his prey…
I got dressed quickly and walked out into the bedroom. The doctor examined me, felt round my stomach, asked me loads of questions and declared that it was probably just a bug – but I was to drink plenty of fluids, get some rest for the next day or so and that if it got any worse to call him again.
As soon as he left, the atmosphere changed in the room. It lay heavy between us. I sat on the bed watching Harry mess around with his camera, his phone, his clothes, as he deliberately didn’t look at me.
I wanted to ask him whether what I felt in the shower was completely one-sided. These emotions that were flying about, surely he felt them too.
I had to do something to clear the air, even if I was only clearing it for myself.
‘What was the proposal?’
He smiled, and I wasn’t sure if it was out of relief that the tension had been broken, or just because he was keen to show me his latest proposal. He grabbed his camera and plonked himself next to me on the bed, leaning into me so we were touching knee to shoulder, just like he’d done with Barbie back on the boat. I didn’t know whether to be delighted by this intimacy or not. Did he see me the same as the girl he had been flirting with on the boat, a friend? Something more? Why was I reading into everything, why couldn’t I just accept things for how they were? I had the best friend anyone could ever hope for and I should be happy with that, not try to push for more.
He flicked on his camera.
‘A proposal by land, sea and air,’ Harry said.
I watched the video and smiled as first someone rode a bike trailing a banner with the words ‘Marry Me’ along the beach front. Then the camera turned to catch a banana b
oat, trailing the same banner and finally the camera tilted upwards as a tiny propeller plane, obviously used for promoting bars and clubs, dragged the now familiar words in its wake. Then the camera went black.
The fact that there was no commentary or no huge smile from Harry recorded on film was testament to how angry he was when he had filmed it.
‘It’s lovely. I’m so sorry I missed it.’
He kissed me on the forehead and I knew he didn’t need to hear it. He shuffled back and lay down with me, his arm round my shoulder as my head fell onto his chest.
‘Listen, about yesterday…’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said.
‘I didn’t sleep with Elias.’
Though if I had that was the least of my crimes. I’m sure he was more bothered about me getting angry over him simply talking to another woman.
He was silent for a moment. ‘Suzie I saw you, not that it matters of course, we’re both free agents.’
‘I know. But I’m not that woman who would sleep with a complete stranger. Sometimes I wish I was, but I’m not. I don’t know what you saw, you might have seen me and Elias getting naked and jumping in the sea and kissing, and you might have seen him getting a condom out of his shorts – but if you’d hung around a bit longer you also would have seen me telling him I couldn’t do it. I’m never going to see him again and it just didn’t feel right. I kept thinking of you…’
‘Of me?’
I bit my lip, wishing I had some kind of filter on my brain that would stop inappropriate words coming out of my mouth. I was glad that he couldn’t see my face. ‘Just… that it was hypocritical, as you said, to go off with someone I’d just met when I’d shouted at you for the same thing. I’m on holiday with you so…’ I shrugged, hoping he would agree.
‘I’m glad.’
I looked up at him. ‘You are?’
‘Just that the man was a creep.’
I sat up. ‘Harry!’
He closed his fingers over my lips so I couldn’t talk. ‘The ‘my wife died and I’ve never been with another woman since’ story. It’s a crock of shit. He trots that story out to every woman that stays on the boat. Works like a charm. The other crew were telling me. I’m glad you didn’t fall for it too.’