And Loving It! gs-6

by William Johnston

“Do I get a vote?” Lucky Bucky asked.

  “We could throw him to the crocodiles,” 99 said. “Somehow, that wouldn’t seem so personal.”

  “Why don’t you all just go away and leave me on the island alone?” Lucky Bucky said. “In twenty or thirty years, I’d probably be bored to death.”

  “I lean toward the crocodile idea,” Max said.

  “I don’t know why I’m carrying a gun if I’m not going to get to use it,” Brattleboro protested. “When they gave me my gun, they said-”

  There was a sudden roaring sound behind them.

  Max looked back. “That sounds like-”

  A figure appeared from around a corner and raced toward them, engine screaming.

  “The hit-and-run driver!” Max shouted. “Out of the way!”

  They flattened themselves against the wall.

  The hit-and-run driver roared by.

  And as he passed, Lucky Bucky broke loose and ran down the corridor in his wake.

  “Guards!” Lucky Bucky screeched. “Guards!”

  Max, Brattleboro and 99 darted after him.

  “Guards!”

  A pack of guards appeared from around a corner.

  Max, Brattleboro and 99 skidded to a stop, then reversed direction and ran the other way.

  “Stop’em!” Lucky Bucky shouted.

  “It looks like the running shoes are on the other feet again,” Max commented.

  “You and your childish hostility toward poor taste!” Brattleboro complained. “You should have let me shoot him back there in the eating place.”

  “You could try shooting him now, you know,” Max replied. “He’d make a perfect target, running along behind us like that.”

  “Max! He’s gone!” 99 said.

  Max looked back over his shoulder. “No, he isn’t, 99. He’s still right behind us-him and those guards.”

  “I mean Brattleboro.”

  “You’re right, 99,” Max said, peering all around. “Now, how did he do that?”

  “He clouded our minds, Max, and made us think he’s something else.”

  Once more, Max looked back over his shoulder. “I wonder. .”

  “What, Max?”

  “Forget it, 99. But I’ll tell you this: We’re going to feel pretty foolish if Lucky Bucky catches up with us and we find out we’ve been running from V. T. Brattleboro.”

  10

  Max and 99 darted around corners, right, left, left, right, left, right, right, left-but Lucky Bucky and the guards kept pace with them.

  “I wish we could lose them, then bump into them by accident again,” Max said.

  “How would that help, Max?”

  “It wouldn’t help, but it would be a funny little bit to pass along to the Chief if we ever get out of this alive. He’s collecting anecdotes for a book he’s going to call ‘Espionage Can Be Fun.’ ”

  “Max, I don’t know how long I can keep running.”

  “Hold out for a couple more minutes, 99. We’re almost safe.”

  “We are, Max?”

  “See that door up ahead? The one that says ‘Dining Room’ right above it? Well, I happen to know that in old buildings like this castle the dining room usually has a dumbwaiter. We can use it to escape.”

  “Max, how can we be sure that the waiter will be dumb enough to help us?”

  “It isn’t a person, 99. It’s an apparatus. It’s sort of an elevator for carrying food from the kitchen up to the dining room. It’s called a dumbwaiter because it worked for no pay.”

  “What good is it going to do us, Max?”

  “I would think you’d be able to figure that out. We’ll get into the dumbwaiter and ride down to the kitchen. Then we’ll leave it there. That way, Lucky Bucky and the guards won’t be able to use it to follow us.”

  “Well, it sounds like a good idea, Max. But one thing bothers me-I don’t think this castle even has a dining room. If it does, why does Lucky Bucky always eat in the great hall?”

  “Which are you going to trust, 99, your intuition or your eyes? Doesn’t it say ‘Dining Room’ over that doorway?”

  “All right, Max. Seeing is believing, I guess. Still-”

  They reached the doorway. Max yanked open the door, he and 99 rushed into the room, then Max slammed the door behind them.

  The room looked almost exactly like the Squash Room. There were no windows and only the one door. The only difference was a lead pipe that protruded from the ceiling.

  “Well, Max?”

  “Now, we know why Lucky Bucky eats in the great hall,” Max replied. “The dining room furniture was repossessed.”

  “The dumbwaiter too, Max.”

  “Yes. I think we better get out of here, 99, before-”

  “Ha! Smart!” Lucky Bucky called in to them. “You’ve got a perfect record-you did it again! You’re trapped in the Dieing Room!”

  Max grabbed the door knob and tried to turn it. But the door was locked.

  “Did you hear what he said, Max?”

  “Of course, I heard. He said I have a perfect record.”

  “I mean about this being the dieing room.”

  “Dining Room, 99.”

  “That’s not what he said.”

  Max called out through the door. “Lucky Bucky, we have a little controversy going in here,” he said, “and maybe you can settle it for us. Did you refer to this as the dining room or the dieing room?”

  “D-i-e-i-n-g.”

  “I’m sure I saw d-i-n-i-n-g over the doorway. Explain that, please.”

  “The guy what built the castle was only a so-so speller.”

  “I see. Then maybe you can explain too why he needed a dieing room.”

  “He had a lot of enemies that were too skinny to squash,” Lucky Bucky replied. “He’d squash them, but they’d look the same as before. So he got himself a dieing room.”

  “For what, may I ask?”

  “What else? For dieing his skinny enemies.”

  Max looked up at the ceiling. “I suppose this pipe is in here for some purpose other than spoiling the looks of the room,” he said.

  “That’s where the gas comes out,” Lucky Bucky explained. “It shoots out of the pipe and fills the room and after a couple minutes or so, you die.”

  Max turned to 99. “Do you suppose that when Brattleboro left us he rushed in here and turned himself into a pipe?” he said.

  “I don’t think we can count on it, Max.”

  “Then, my guess is that we’re in big trouble, 99.”

  “So long, secret agents,” Lucky Bucky called in, “I’m leaving now. Have a nice die.”

  “And the same to you!” Max called back.

  A moment later, gas began shooting into the room.

  “Oh, Max, this is really the end!” 99 wept.

  “Not necessarily yet, 99. Quick-climb up on my shoulders!”

  “Won’t we look a little strange when they find us, Max?”

  “99, don’t argue-I’m trying to save our lives!”

  “I’m just thinking about my reputation, Max. When our bodies are found and word leaks out that I was standing on your shoulders, people will say that, at the last minute, I panicked.”

  “Then how about this, 99? I’ll stand on your shoulders.”

  “Well. . if you don’t care what people say about you.”

  With considerable difficulty, Max climbed up onto 99’s shoulders. He then put his hand over the end of the pipe, stopping the flow of gas.

  “Max! That’s marvelous! We’re saved!”

  “For the time being, anyway, 99. Of course, a lot is going to depend on how long we can keep this position. How long will you be able to hold me up, would you guess?”

  “Maybe five or ten minutes, Max.”

  “In that case, I think I better telephone the Chief and have him send help. Ahhhh. . will you hand me my shoe phone, 99?”

  “Lift your foot, Max.”

  “99, if I lift my foot, I’ll fall. And if I fall, the gas w
ill come shooting out of this pipe again.”

  “But I can’t get your shoe off your foot unless you lift it, Max!”

  “Then let’s try this. Instead of me-”

  There was a ringing sound.

  “It’s your shoe, Max,” 99 reported. “The Chief must be calling you.”

  “Perfect timing.”

  “Except that I still can’t get your shoe off unless you lift your foot, Max.”

  The shoe rang again.

  “Here’s my idea, 99. Instead of me lifting my foot, how about you lowering your shoulder?”

  “Of course! Why didn’t I think of that!”

  99 lowered her shoulder, removed Max’s shoe, then handed it up to him.

  Max: Agent 86 here. Is that you, Chief?

  Chief: Brattleboro? Is that you? Are you still trying to masquerade as the late Max Smart?

  Max: Chief, I’ve never been late in my life. What can I do to convince you that I’m not dead?

  Chief: There’s only one way. Have 99 tell me that you’re still alive.

  Max (looking down): Chief, unfortunately, 99 can’t come to the phone right now. I’m standing on her shoulders.

  Chief: I was sure you’d have some excuse.

  Max: Let me try something else, Chief. Suppose I could tell you something about Max Smart that no one but Max Smart could possibly know?

  Chief: Well. .

  Max: Please, Chief. It’s a matter of life and death. Now, suppose I were to ask you: What was the name of Max Smart’s drama teacher when he was in second grade? What would you answer?

  Chief: I haven’t the faintest idea.

  Max: How do you mean that, Chief? You haven’t the faintest idea what your answer would be, or you haven’t the faintest idea who the drama teacher was?

  Chief: Both.

  Max: That’s right, Chief! How could you possibly know who my drama teacher was? I’ve never told anyone but 99. Now, are you convinced that I’m me?

  Chief: All right, Max, I’m convinced. Nobody but you could think up a method like that to prove your identity.

  Max: Thank you, Chief. Now, about why I called. You see, 99 and I are-

  Chief: Max, you didn’t call me. I called Brattleboro. But, since you’re still alive, you can handle the matter as well as he could. I’m making out my end-of-the-month report and I have an expense item here, charged to you, that I can’t explain. It’s for twenty-eight cents. Will you look through your pockets and see if you can find a receipt for something for twenty-eight cents.

  Max: Chief, how could Brattleboro have helped you with a problem like that?

  Chief: I was going to ask him to find your body and look through the pockets.

  Max: Oh. Well, I’m sorry, Chief, but I can’t get to my pockets right at this moment. You see-

  Chief: Max, this is very important.

  Max: I’m sure it is, Chief. But both my hands are busy at the moment. I’m holding my left hand over the end of a pipe, and with my right hand I’m holding the phone. If I move my left hand, the room will be flooded with gas.

  Chief: Max, if there’s gas in the room, you better put out that pipe.

  Max: You don’t seem to understand, Chief. It isn’t that kind of pipe. It’s a gas pipe. So, could you send help, please?”

  Chief: Max, it’s lunchtime here. Nobody’s around.

  Operator: I’ll come, Maxie. I’m not on duty.

  Max: Operator, if you’re not on duty, what are you doing at the telephone company? Why don’t you go home?

  Operator: Go home? I haven’t been home in over a year, Max. I have a cot right here by the switchboard where I sleep. If I left, I might miss one of your kooky calls.

  Max: Just let me talk to the Chief, Operator. This is an emergency. Chief? Are you still there? Now, try to picture this. I’m standing on 99’s shoulders. With my left hand, I’m stopping the gas from shooting out of the pipe. And with my right hand, I’m talking to you. Got it? Now-

  Chief: Max, I understand all that. But I can’t send help if I don’t have anyone to send. Do you have any other suggestions?

  Max: How about calling the Gas Company, Chief, and asking them to shut off the service to the island?

  Operator: They probably won’t even talk to him. They’ve probably heard about him from the Electric Company.

  Chief: That’s a brilliant idea, Max. I’ll do it right away.

  (sound of dialing, then muffled conversation)

  Chief: All right, Max, the gas is shut of.

  Max: Hold on a second more, Chief. I’ll take my hand off the end. .Yes, you’re right! No gas!

  Operator: Maybe you didn’t pay your bill.

  Max: I think 99 and I can handle it from here, Chief. Thanks for the assist.

  Chief: You’re welcome, Max. Now, about that twenty-eight cents. Could you-

  Max: Could I call you back on that, Chief? We’re still not out of the rough. We’re locked in a room. And, for all we know, Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo might be getting away. We might never see them again until they took over the world. And that could be too late, you know.

  Chief: You’re right, Max.

  Operator: I can’t bring myself to believe it.

  Max: That Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo could take over the world?

  Operator: No, that you could be right.

  Max handed his shoe down to 99. “Can you lower your shoulder and then slip this back on my foot?” he said.

  “I’ll try, Max.”

  Slowly and cautiously, 99 lowered her shoulder.

  “You’re doing great, 99.”

  “It’s all a matter of balance.” Bit by bit she slipped Max’s shoe back onto his foot. “Okay, Max,” she called. “What next?”

  “Next, we have to try to get out of here,” Max replied.

  “Now, take it easy, and see if you can walk me over to the door.”

  Cautiously, 99 took a step.

  “Oops! Careful!”

  “Sorry, Max. This is so new to me.”

  “Step by step, 99. You can do it.”

  “All right, Max-ready? I’ll-”

  “What is it, 99? Trouble?”

  “Max, why am I carrying you on my shoulders?”

  “99, you’re holding me up so I can keep my hand over the gas pipe. If I let go, the gas will come shooting- Just stand still, 99-I’ll be right down.”

  Max hopped down to the floor, then moved on the door, got it by the knob, and rattled it.

  “What do you think, Max?”

  “Rattling the knob isn’t going to get us out of here.”

  “It’s too bad we don’t have that dynamite with us, now that we’re nowhere near any peanut brittle.”

  “99! That’s it!”

  “Dynamite?”

  “No.”

  Max reached down and got his shoe.

  “Peanut brittle?”

  “No, 99, a new gadget developed by R amp; D. It’s an electronic sound, so high-pitched that when it strikes an object it shatters it to bits. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the sound over the telephone line.”

  “And knock down the door?”

  “Knock it down? 99, this sound is so destructive it will splinter that door to ashes.”

  “Wonderful, Max. What did our scientists have in mind when they developed it?”

  “They were having trouble getting the lid off a jelly jar.”

  “Oh. But, Max, if it’s that powerful-”

  “Later, 99,” Max interrupted, dialing.

  Operator: Maybe you bought seven packs of gum at a going-out-of-business sale. At four cents apiece, that’s twenty-eight cents.

  Max: Nevermind that now, Operator. Get me the Chief.

  Operator: I wouldn’t call him if I couldn’t explain that twenty-eight cents.

  Max: Will you let me worry about that, Operator?

  Operator: I’m afraid you’ll get fired, Max. Then I wouldn’t have your kooky calls to listen to. I’d have to fold up my cot and
go home.

  Max: Really, Operator, would that be so terrible?

  Operator: I’d miss my family. They’re living here at the telephone company with me.

  Max: Your whole family?

  Voice: Hi, Max-this is Uncle Ned.

  Max: Supervisor!

  Operator: All right, all right, don’t be a stool pigeon! With whom did you wish to speak to whom, Please?

  Max: The Chief! And fast!

  (click)

  Chief: Control. . Chief here. .

  Max: It’s me, Agent 86, Chief.

  Chief: Good-got that door opened, eh? All right now, Max, about that twenty-eight cents. Do you have any idea-

  Max: Chief, the door is still locked. That’s why I called you. Remember that marvelous gadget that R amp; D developed last week-the one that works on the principle of high-pitched sound waves?

  Chief: You mean the jelly jar opener, Max?

  Max: Right, Chief. Now-

  Operator: Are you listening, Uncle Ned? Here comes the kooky part. Max wants to use the jelly jar opener on the door.

  Voice: Hee-hee-hee! Old Maxie!

  Chief: Who was that!

  Max: Ignore it, Chief. Here’s the thing-would it be possible to send that sound over the telephone line? I’d like to use it to disintegrate this door.

  Chief: We could try it, Max. I have the gadget right here. It’s sitting on my desk.

  Max: Isn’t that a little dangerous, Chief? A gadget like that, sitting around on a desk.

  Chief: I don’t intend to leave it here, Max. I’m taking it home with me tonight. I have a jar of pickles that’s been sitting in the refrigerator for months and the lid has rusted. I thought-

  Max: I understand, Chief. But, could we take care of my door first? I’ll aim my shoe at it, and you send the sound over the line-all right?

  Chief: Just let me know when you’re ready, Max.

  Max: Pardon, Chief? I didn’t get that.

  Chief: Ready, I said.

  Max: Ready?

  (Sound of sizzling wires)

  Chief: Did that do it, Max?

  Max: I didn’t have it aimed at the door yet, Chief.

  Chief: Where was it aimed?

  Max: I’d rather not say, Chief. But I’ll tell you this much-it’ll be a long time before I ever have to wash my right ear again.

  Voice: Hee-hee-hee! Old Maxie!

  Max: Will you just stay out of this, Uncle Ned, please? Chief-try it again. When I say ‘now.’