And Loving It! gs-6

by William Johnston

  Chief: Now?

  Max: Yes, now.

  (Sound of sizzling wires)

  Max: Perfect, Chief! Where that door was, there is nothing but a small pile of ashes!

  Chief: Good, Max. Now, can we discuss that twenty-eight cents?

  Max: I’d like to finalize this mission first, Chief, if you don’t mind.

  Chief: How long would it take to explain twenty-eight cents, Max?

  Max: All right-just say I made a couple phone calls.

  Chief: Phone calls are a dime apiece. This is for twenty-eight cents.

  Max: Then call it two and eight-tenths phone calls, Chief.

  Chief: Finally! I don’t know why you have to make such a big problem out of a little matter like twenty-eight cents, Max. All right, that takes care of it. Good luck with the mission.

  Operator: Max? Uncle Ned wants to know if he’ll have time for a nap before you make your next kooky call.

  Max: Supervisor!

  (click)

  11

  Max and 99 left the dieing room and made their way quietly along the corridor.

  “Where are we going, Max?” 99 asked, whispering.

  “To find Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo.”

  “I know that. But, I mean where are we going to look?”

  “We’ll start on this floor and search every room. Then we’ll-”

  They had reached a corner and Max had suddenly halted.

  “What is it, Max?”

  “We’re not going to have any trouble finding Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo, 99.”

  99 peeked around the corner. Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo were standing there, facing them.

  99 waggled her fingers and smiled amiably. “Hi.”

  “Well. . out of the dieing room into the fire, eh?” Lucky Bucky said.

  Guru Optimo grinned broadly. “You’ve got the idea, Lassie. But I sent you for the morning paper, not a gang of counterfeiters,” he said.

  Max’s eyes narrowed. “All right, Lucky Bucky, are you ready to surrender, or do we have to start running up and down the halls again?”

  “I can answer that in one contraction, Maxie Baby,” Lucky Bucky replied.

  “Yes?”

  Lucky Bucky turned to Guru Optimo. “Zop’em!”

  Guru Optimo raised his hand.

  Max and 99 darted between Guru Optimo and Lucky Bucky and raced down the corridor. As they whipped around a corner a flash of light exploded behind them.

  “Guards!” they heard Lucky Bucky shout.

  Max and 99 reached a stairway and dashed upward. They entered another corridor.

  “Into one of these rooms!” Max said.

  He threw open a door and he and 99 ran into the room. Max slammed the door behind them.

  “Max! This is Guru Optimo’s room! Look-there’s the hole in the wall to the secret passage!”

  “We couldn’t have picked a better room, 99! Quick, let’s get out of here!”

  “Max, what-”

  “Because this room leads to the secret passageway,” Max explained, “and the secret passageway leads either to the dungeon or the music room.”

  “Music room?”

  “Where we saw those old musical instruments-remember?”

  “Oh. . yes. .”

  “Come on, 99,” Max said, taking her hand and leading her into the secret passageway.

  “Max, I still don’t understand-”

  “Quiet, 99. I’ll explain later.”

  They descended the steps in the secret passageway. A few moments later they entered the music room.

  “Understand now, 99?” Max said.

  She shook her head.

  “A good general always leaves a way open for retreat,” Max explained. “You see, from here, if Lucky Bucky and Guru Optimo and the guards come in through the doorway, we can escape by way of the secret passage. And, if they come in through the secret passage, we can escape through the doorway.”

  “Max, that’s really brilliant-really!”

  “Of course. But we couldn’t have done that if we’d stayed in Guru Optimo’s room. Because there was only the doorway and the. . Ummmmm. . well, here, we won’t be bored. We can amuse ourselves by looking at these old musical instruments.” He indicated an instrument that looked like a stringed watermelon.

  “What did you say that is, 99?”

  “That’s a strumplecord, Max.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “See that little brass plate attached to it, Max? It says ‘strumplecord.’ ”

  “Oh.”

  “And the brass plate on this one says ‘saxopular.’ ”

  “All right, 99, I understand the system now.”

  “Aren’t they beautiful, Max!”

  “Well. . I don’t know that beautiful is exactly the word for some of them. This one, for instance. The one here that looks like a bass fiddle.”

  “Mmmmm, you’re right. It is sort of ugly. I wonder why it’s wearing a derby hat?”

  “I thought that was a funny-shaped bow.”

  “What does it say on the brass plate, Max?”

  Max bent down and read. “It says-” He straightened and stared at the instrument. “-V. T. Brattleboro?”

  The instrument tipped its hat. “I come from a musical family,” Brattleboro explained. “When we all sat down to the table together we looked like the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.”

  “Really?” 99 said. “Why?”

  “We sat on folding chairs.”

  “I don’t think-” Max began.

  But at that moment they heard Lucky Bucky’s voice in the corridor. “Guards! — into the music room!” it shouted.

  “Max! They’re coming!”

  “All right-everybody out through the secret passage!”

  They ran to the opening in the wall-then halted.

  “Somebody’s in there!” Brattleboro said.

  A voice came from the passageway. “Of course I’ll love you as long as I live, darling. Now, step aside and let the firing squad do its job,” it said.

  “Anybody recognize that voice?” Max frowned.

  “Guru Optimo!” 99 said. “Max, we’re trapped! Guru Optimo in the passageway, and Lucky Bucky at the door!”

  “What a dumbhead!” Brattleboro said to Max. “You should have left a way open for a retreat!”

  “Well, it’s too late for that now,” Max said. “We’ll just have to fight it out, man to man.”

  “What about me, Max?” 99 asked.

  “Woman to man, in your case, 99.”

  “But, Max, we don’t have a chance. Guru Optimo will zop us!”

  “I know, 99. But until- Wait a minute! 99, remember when we were in that bucket and you were hypnotized? You thought you were the Staten Island Ferry-”

  “Are you going to start that again, Max?”

  “I know you don’t remember, 99, but that’s exactly what happened. The spell was broken when the moonlight, reflected in your hand mirror, flashed in your eyes.”

  “Max, your story gets more preposterous every time you tell it.”

  “Just give me your hand mirror again, 99.”

  “What for?” she asked, opening her purse.

  “If a flash of moonlight can break a spell, why can’t it create a spell?”

  “I don’t know,” Brattleboro said. “Why can’t it?”

  “What I’m getting at is, maybe it can!” Max replied. “Now, when Guru Optimo steps into this room, I’m going to catch a beam of moonlight in this mirror and flash it in his eyes. I may be able to hypnotize him.”

  “Max, there’s one thing,” 99 said. “There’s-”

  “Don’t tell me why it won’t work, 99,” Max interrupted. “You might shake my confidence.”

  “But, Max-”

  The door to the room flew open. Lucky Bucky appeared, and behind him were the guards.

  “Gotcha!” Lucky Bucky shouted victoriously.

  At that very same instant, Guru Optimo stepped into the r
oom from the secret passageway.

  “Well, here goes. .” Max said, raising the mirror.

  Nothing happened.

  “See what I mean, Max?” 99 said.

  “I see that it isn’t working,” he replied puzzledly. “But I don’t understand why it isn’t.”

  “It’s mid-afternoon, Max. We don’t get much moonlight at that time of day.”

  “That could explain it,” Max frowned.

  Lucky Bucky shouted to Guru Optimo. “Zop’em!”

  Guru Optimo raised his hand. There was a flash of light. The flash of light hit the hand mirror-and was reflected. It bounced back and hit Guru Optimo square in the eyes. His face lit up. His hand opened and a bright, shiny object fell from it and hit the floor and rolled toward a corner.

  Lucky Bucky groaned. “Every once upon a time some little thing goes wrong,” he commented gloomily.

  “Max!” 99 shouted gleefully. “Guru Optimo hypnotized himself!”

  Max walked to the corner and picked up the shiny object that had fallen from Guru Optimo’s hand. “Amazing!” he said.

  “What is it, Max?”

  “The source of his power,” Max replied. “A Kennedy half-dollar. I had no idea these things could have such a hypnotic effect.”

  Guru Optimo, as if in a trance, opened the case that held the strumpelcord and took the instrument from it. Wholly delighted, he began strumming it.

  “Aiiii! A banjo player!” Lucky Bucky moaned.

  “It’s the influence of the room,” Brattleboro said. “He’s turned himself into a musician.”

  Guru Optimo got the saxopular and the hinkenschmaller from their cases. He began playing all three instruments at the same time. It sounded like someone falling downstairs with a load of garbage cans.

  “I don’t recognize the tune,” Max said.

  “I think he’s composing as he goes along,” 99 guessed.

  Guru Optimo began singing:

  Good dog, Lassie!

  You’ll light up the ice box yet!

  I’ll love you ’til the day I die,

  Although you walk with a lisp!

  “I’ll make a bet that by the time we get off this island that will be at the top of the charts,” Max said.

  “And this is the booby I had penciled in for the emperor of the world!” Lucky Bucky wailed. “What a comedown for my comeback!”

  “Poor Lucky Bucky,” 99 said sympathetically.

  “99-he’s the enemy,” Max pointed out.

  “But, Max, he’s harmless now. Without Guru Optimo, what can he do?”

  A tear trickled down Lucky Bucky’s cheek. “All I wanted was to be a good agent to everybody,” he said. “Ninety per cent of everybody’s income-was that too much to ask?”

  “Max. . do something. .” 99 pleaded.

  “Well, I might be able to help,” Max said grudgingly. “Guru Optimo is of no use to us any more, since he’s become a musician. The fate of the entire civilized world, as we know it, is no longer in danger. So. .”

  “Yes, Max?”

  “This castle,” Max said. “Why not turn it into a resort hotel?”

  Lucky Bucky stopped weeping and listened.

  “The great hall would make a dandy restaurant,” Max continued. “And the guards, with their vacant expressions, would make perfect waiters.”

  Lucky Bucky beamed.

  “And for entertainment-why not Guru Optimo?” Max said. “I can see it up in lights now: ‘Guru Optimo on strumplecord, saxopular and hinkenschmaller-the world’s one and only one-man trio!’ ”

  “He’ll be a star!” Lucky Bucky enthused.

  “And you’ll be a star’s agent,” Max said.

  “My comeback has just made a comeback!” Lucky Bucky crowed.

  Brattleboro sniffled.

  “Trouble?” Max said.

  “Happy endings always make me sad,” Brattleboro explained.

  “Well, that seems to close the lid on this case,” Max said. “Shall we go?”

  There seemed to be agreement, so Max, 99 and Brattleboro headed toward the door.

  Lucky Bucky called after them. “Look for us in the audience on the Ed Sullivan Show!”

  A few minutes later they emerged from the castle. Max took off his shoe and began dialing. “I’ll have the Chief send the helicopter for us,” he said. “It can pick us up where it dropped us off.”

  “But, Max-”

  “Hold it, 99. I think I have the Chief on the line.”

  Max: Chief? Max here. .

  Operator: Just a minute, Maxie. I want to wake Uncle Ned. He’d never forgive me if I let him nap through one of your kooky phone calls.

  Max: All right, Operator-anything to keep peace in the family. But, in the meantime, would you connect me with the Chief, please?

  (click)

  Chief: Control. . Chief here. .

  Max: It’s me, Chief. Mission accomplished. Once again the forces of good have triumphed over the forces of evil. The confused alarms of strife and struggle have been stilled. The white dove, freed from its chains, flutters aloft. Where once trod the heavy boot of jeopardy, now trips the light fantastic. Joy abounds-except, perhaps, in Mudville.

  Chief: Mudville, Max?

  Max: There is no joy in Mudville, Chief. Mighty Casey has struck out.

  Chief: Max, what exactly are you trying to tell me?

  Max: Didn’t you get it, Chief? I was asking you to send the helicopter for us.

  Chief: Max, that’s great! You’ve recaptured Guru Optimo!

  Max: Not exactly, Chief. I don’t think you’d want him any more. He’s off-tune.

  Operator: Excuse me, Chief. . Max. . Max, will you do that line about the heavy boot of jeopardy again? It’s for Uncle Ned. He’s taking notes.

  Max: I’m sorry, Operator, but there isn’t time now. He’ll have to read the book. It’s on page-

  Chief: Max, nevermind about that! Have you recaptured Guru Optimo or haven’t you?

  Max: No, Chief. Weren’t you listening? I told you, you wouldn’t want him any more. He hypnotized himself. He’s harmless now.

  Chief: Couldn’t we use him for something, Max?

  Max: Well. . could we use a tall, skinny music box?

  Chief: I guess not, Max. I’ll send the helicopter for you. Where do you want it to pick you up?

  Max: Where it dropped us, Chief. Chief. . you sound a little disappointed.

  Chief: I just don’t know how to explain this in my report, Max. This mission cost Control a lot of money. And what do we have to show for it?

  Max: Ensuring the continued existence of the entire civilized world isn’t exactly small potatoes, Chief.

  Chief: I know. But I sent you to bring back a person. A person is something that can be seen, touched, or, if need be, tortured. But the continued existence of the entire civilized world is. . Well, do you see what I’m getting at, Max?

  Max: You’ve changed your mind about the tall, skinny music box?

  Chief: Forget it, Max. I’ll try to explain it to you when you get back to headquarters.

  Max hung up.

  “What’s the matter, Max?” 99 asked.

  “The Chief is disappointed.”

  “He is? Why?”

  “He didn’t say.”

  “We better get going,” Brattleboro said. “I’d hate to miss that helicopter. I understand there isn’t a next one.”

  They plunged into the jungle, headed for the clearing where the helicopter had dropped them. The vines lashed at their faces, the brambles tore at their clothes.

  “Max, we should have waited for the helicopter at the castle,” 99 said. “I tried to tell you that.”

  “Wouldn’t work, 99.”

  “Why not?”

  “The helicopter is meeting us at the clearing.”

  “What I- Oh, nevermind.”

  “Too bad it had to end this way,” Brattleboro commented sadly.

  “You’ll get over it,” Max said. “A happy ending isn’t fa
tal.”

  “It’s not that. My Chief will be disappointed in me, that’s what I meant.”

  “Why?” Max asked interestedly.

  “Well, this mission cost KAOS a lot of money. And what do we have to show for it?”

  “Ensuring the continued existence of the entire civilized world isn’t exactly small potatoes, you know.”

  “Yes,” Brattleboro nodded. “But my Chief sent me out to bring back a person. A person is something you can see, touch, or, if need be, torture. But the continued existence of the entire civilized world is. . Well, you know what I mean.”

  “I think I’m beginning to get it,” Max replied.

  Max signalled to 99 to drop back and let Brattleboro get ahead of them.

  “What is it, Max?” she whispered.

  “What the Chief was trying to tell me, 99, is that he wants me to bring back a person.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Well, he wasn’t interested in a music box.”

  “Did he mention anyone by name, Max?”

  “No, but he didn’t have to. I have a very quick mind, 99. It’s Brattleboro he wants me to bring back. Somehow, the Chief has the idea that this mission was a bust. But if we could capture one of KAOS’s top agents. .”

  “Brattleboro!”

  “Right, 99! Now, here’s how we’ll handle it. When we spot the helicopter, you yell, ‘There it is!’ That will get Brattleboro’s attention. When he looks up, I’ll give him a karate chop and render him unconscious. Then we’ll take him back to Control with us-a captive!”

  “Max. . I don’t know. .”

  “Of course, 99, it’s a dirty rotten trick. But when a nice guy like the Chief asks you to pull a dirty rotten trick, how can you refuse?”

  “I suppose so. Let’s see, now. . I’ll yell ‘There it is!’ ”

  “And I’ll chop.”

  “All right, Max. Max. . we’d better catch up with Brattleboro. He’s looking back. And he looks as if he has something on his mind.”

  “Probably troubled about disappointing his Chief,” Max said. “I know how he feels.”

  “Yes, you and he have the same problem.”

  “I wonder how he’d handle it if he were in my shoes?” Max mused.

  A few moments later they all reached the clearing. They scanned the sky.

  “I can’t see anything,” Brattleboro said.