by Aurora Rey
Olivia worked herself into quite a state, pacing around and having to resist the urge to throw something. Indignation made her feel strong, told her she was right. Those were the feelings she held on to. She couldn’t allow her mind to focus on the alternative—that Joss was right and Olivia was pushing her away and ruining their chance of being together. If she thought about that, she might fall apart completely. And with her parents coming and the semester nearly over, falling apart wasn’t an option.
Olivia squared her shoulders. She had just under twenty-four hours until her parents arrived and plenty to do. She’d start upstairs and work her way down.
She began in the bathroom, scrubbing every surface, every nook and cranny. In the guest room, she made the bed with the new sheets she’d run through the wash a couple of times and the duvet she’d bought to go with the new furniture. Because she didn’t have anything else, she placed the rug Joss had brought over next to the bed. It pulled the room together and completely covered the scratch in the floor. Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and moved on, tidying her closet and cleaning her room so she could show them off to her parents as well.
Downstairs, she dusted and vacuumed, scrubbed and polished. On one hand, the work distracted her from the constriction in her chest and the dull ache behind her eyes. On the other, everything she touched reminded her of Joss. The perfect lines of the trim, the colors on the walls. Joss’s work was everywhere. There probably wasn’t a thing in the house she hadn’t touched during the three months they’d worked on the renovations.
By sheer force of will, Olivia kept it together. Until she got to the kitchen. She looked at the stove and her mind raced through their initial conversations about Olivia wanting it, the frustration of waiting, the favors Joss called in to get it delivered when she knew Olivia needed something to celebrate. She thought about the first meal she cooked on it, the night that followed. Unable to hold on to her composure any longer, Olivia sat on the floor and cried. Anger took a backseat to hurt, leaving space in the front for fear to settle in.
By the time she cried herself out, it was nearly two in the morning. She was still sitting on the kitchen floor, a fact that added a layer of pathetic to the hollowness inside her. She replayed the fight with Joss in her mind, trying to pinpoint the moment the conversation derailed. Joss had been so unreasonable. Olivia wished she’d handled things better, but clearly Joss was hankering for a fight.
She pulled herself off the floor. She felt weak and achy. Even if she didn’t sleep, going to bed was probably a good idea. She took a shower that was a few degrees too hot and a couple of aspirin. She resisted the urge to pull on one of Joss’s T-shirts, settling for a tank top and pair of flannel pants.
After crawling into bed, Olivia realized she’d hardly spent a night alone in her new bedroom. As much as she’d designed the space to feel like a sanctuary, it suddenly felt cold and sterile. It struck her just how much Joss had become a part of the house. It wasn’t only the work she’d done. It was as though she’d seeped into the very essence of it.
The idea riled her. She’d bought the house to make it hers. And now Joss was everywhere. Given that everything with Joss was a giant question mark, it made the house feel unsettled, like an unknown. She couldn’t stop her mind from jumping to a whole string of what-ifs. If she and Joss broke up, Olivia wasn’t at all sure she could stay in the house. As much as she loved it, the house had become completely entwined with Joss and their relationship. It was a feeling she was sure she wouldn’t be able to shake, and one she didn’t think she could bear.
Olivia realized she was being dramatic. She and Joss had a fight. Fights didn’t mean relationships ended. If anything, fighting meant the relationship mattered. And having Joss so engrained in the house made it feel more like theirs. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it? Yes, without a doubt. They’d find a way to work it out, even if Olivia wasn’t sure how.
She tossed and turned for several hours before giving up on sleep. She finished cleaning the kitchen, showered, and tried to get herself ready for the arrival of her parents. She’d focus on that, try to make things as pleasant as possible. Once they were gone, she’d figure out the rest.
*
Joss slept fitfully and was up before five. Part of her wanted to call Olivia, to show up on her doorstep, so they could hash things out. The other part screamed at her to steer clear, at least until Olivia’s parents had come and gone. She’d been half dreading meeting them anyway. Now the thought of spending time with the Bennett attorneys filled her with foreboding.
She’d let the dust settle. Olivia was so amped up anyway, trying to have a meaningful conversation would be pointless. It might even make things worse. They’d talk after the holiday and figure things out.
Joss wasn’t entirely sure what there was to figure out. Based on how they’d left things, compromise felt unlikely. And if either of them tried to be something they weren’t for the sake of the relationship, it would be a recipe for disaster. It was a hard lesson she’d learned once in her life and one she didn’t feel the need to repeat. Joss reminded herself that her relationship with Olivia was different. Just the fact that Olivia had bought a house meant she was more settled, more committed to staying in one place, than Cora had been. And they’d talked about starting a family. Even without a wedding ring and a game plan, that meant something.
She showered and dressed, then headed over to the Patel house. She was grateful to be able to work alone and in an empty house. After arriving and making a mental to-do list for the day, she put in her ear buds and cranked the music.
Mid-afternoon, Ben showed up bearing sandwiches. Even though she hadn’t said anything to him, he seemed to know something was up. And although she had no desire to eat, putting something in her stomach would probably make her less edgy and ease the painful gnawing that had been there all morning.
As they sat on the floor, eating turkey subs and drinking Pepsi, she weighed whether or not to confide in him. He understood her, maybe better than anyone else. He was her best bet for getting some perspective. She gave him an abbreviated version of the last few weeks, as well as the culminating fight.
“So was it a ‘we are breaking up’ kind of fight or an ‘I need some space and we’ll work this out later’ kind of fight?”
Joss shrugged. “That’s just it. I don’t know.”
“What do you want it to be?”
She sighed. “The second.”
“You’re in love with her?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“The ‘marry me and have my children’ kind of love?”
Joss scrubbed her hands over her face. “Yes.”
“What are you going to do?”
“For the next two days, nothing. Her parents are in town. It was their impending arrival—and how worked up about it Olivia was—that tipped us to the breaking point. I can’t imagine being able to talk things through with her still in that state.”
Ben nodded. “It sounds like they do a real number on her.”
“Yeah. She talks about how much she isn’t like them, but then she works herself into a frenzy trying to impress them. I don’t get it.”
Ben crossed his arms. “Kind of reminds me of a difficult client.”
“What do you mean?”
“Think about it. Super demanding, high expectations clients. You don’t really like them, you don’t agree with what they want or like necessarily, but you still want to wow the pants off them. Maybe even more so because they make it clear they’re hard to impress.”
Joss frowned. “I don’t think it’s really the same thing.”
“No, it’s even worse, because in Olivia’s case, she’s related to them. The relationship is permanent and I’m sure, at least on some level, she loves them. That’s a hard line to walk.”
Joss hadn’t thought about it that way. It made it a little easier to understand. “Maybe. But that doesn’t say anything about how obsessed she’s been with work. Not only has s
he had no time for us, she’s expected me to take care of things at her house, like her work is more important than mine. Or like…” God, she hated to say it. “Like I’m still working for her.”
Ben offered a sympathetic look. “I hear you. That part really sucks. I’m not saying you should let her off the hook.”
Joss raised a brow. “What are you saying?”
He shrugged. “Maybe she’s way more stressed out than she’s letting on. And maybe trying to control everything is what she’s doing instead of falling apart.”
Joss thought about the last few months. Olivia was definitely a woman who prized being independent and in control. On one hand, it was a trait Joss admired. On the other, it made her feel like they weren’t a team. If they were going to make things work, they had to be a team, complete with give and take. “Maybe you’re right. Of course, I might prefer her falling apart, at least a little, over trying to control everything.”
“Have you told her that?”
Since when was Ben the relationship guru? It was weird. He was right, but it was still weird. “Not in so many words.”
“Well, when you do talk to her, it might be a good place to start.”
“Thanks, oh wise one. How about you channel all that wisdom into helping me frame some walls?”
Ben stood, patted her on the shoulder. “At your disposal, grasshopper.”
Chapter Thirty-three
Her parents would have been content, if not happier, to go to a restaurant. Olivia was adamant about cooking, though, and content to do it on her own. After setting out the breakfast they ate every morning—grapefruit juice, boiled egg, yogurt—she got to work.
The smallest turkey she’d been able to find was fourteen pounds. There would be a ton left over, but she didn’t mind. Olivia could eat a turkey sandwich every day of her life and never grow tired of them. She’d put it in a honey brine the night before, so all she needed to do was drain the liquid, dry the skin, and rub a little butter on it. After sliding it into the oven, she got to work on sides.
While sausage browned in a skillet, she chopped onions, celery, and garlic. Olivia added them to the pot, enjoying the way everything sizzled and steamed. Despite promising herself she wouldn’t, Olivia found herself thinking of Joss. She wondered if Joss was already at her parents’ house, helping her mom in the kitchen or watching the Macy’s parade with her nieces. Olivia was content to be in her house, in her kitchen, preparing the meal. At least, that’s what she firmly told herself as she dumped the contents of her skillet into the bowl of crumbled cornbread that was going to become dressing.
Olivia’s mom came in while she was prepping the Brussels sprouts. She topped off her cup of coffee and took a seat on one of the stools at the island.
“I still can’t believe you enjoy all this fuss.” She waved her hand to indicate the tools and ingredients piled around.
“I guess it must have skipped a generation.” Olivia made sure to keep her voice light.
Sharon smiled. “You’re right. Your Nana was the queen of the kitchen. And between the cooking, the baking, and all her craft projects, your sister could practically be Martha Stewart.”
Olivia gritted her teeth. While she had no desire to be compared to Martha Stewart, it irritated her that her sister would, of course, win the nonexistent contest.
“Speaking of your sister, did she tell you she and Beau are trying to get pregnant again?”
Olivia sighed. She hadn’t heard, probably because they were still in the trying phase. Tara tended only to tell Olivia things once they were settled. Like sibling rivalry in the extreme, Tara seemed intent on collecting all gold stars on the chart of life accomplishments. “I hadn’t heard.”
“Well, even though she was pretty set on stopping at three, she really wants a girl.”
Olivia raised a brow. “And what if she ends up with a fourth boy?”
Sharon laughed. “Beau says he can fit five in his fishing boat, so they’ll be fine.”
Olivia shook her head. On one hand it was sweet. But it felt so utterly foreign to her that it was hard to relate. “Hopefully, she’ll have a girl.”
Sharon nodded. “Hopefully so. I’m simply dying to buy all those frilly dresses and hair bows. Baby girl things are so much more fun.”
Olivia was actually partial to the stuff for boys—shirts with dinosaurs and tiny sweater vests. Again, thoughts of Joss flooded her brain. Images of Joss picking out baby clothes and putting together a crib combined with the memory of her holding one of Gina and Kel’s sons at the hospital. The flashes, and the feelings they churned up, were so strong Olivia didn’t realize her mother was talking again. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I asked if you had anyone on the horizon.”
Olivia hadn’t told her parents much about Joss. At first, it had been because she knew they’d not approve of her being with someone who was a contractor. Then, she hadn’t wanted to jinx things. It was too late for that now. “No, no one worth mentioning.”
“Well, I hate to be doom and gloom, but you’re not getting any younger.”
Olivia cringed. “Thanks, Mama. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”
“Oh, sweetie. I’m not trying to make you feel badly. It’s just, well, if you want babies of your own, you’re going to have to get to it in the next couple of years.”
Olivia couldn’t decide if she wanted to scream or cry.
“I thought Ithaca was known for lesbians. There have to be plenty of nice professors at school. Someone in engineering, maybe, or business.”
“It’s a little more complicated than that.”
“Weren’t you dating someone? She had something to do with you buying the house or the remodeling you had done?”
Even without saying her name, the mention of Joss sent a pang through Olivia’s chest. “Joss. Her family’s company did the renovations. Joss did a lot of the work.”
“Joss. What an interesting name. So you were dating, but you aren’t anymore?”
Were they officially broken up? Olivia didn’t know. It was hard to imagine being with her after their last argument. It was even harder to imagine not being with her at all. Olivia longed to share the confusion and hurt with her mother, to confide in her and get in return some empathy or maybe even advice. She knew better than to try. “Things are a bit up in the air. We both have a lot on our plates right now, different priorities.”
Sharon shook her head. “That’s why it’s a terrible idea to get involved with the help. Other than whatever project you hire them for, you’ve got nothing in common.”
Olivia’s hurt transformed into anger. The switch was instant and the indignation she felt toward her mother overshadowed whatever frustration she had for Joss. They had plenty in common. Joss got her, at least until recently. Olivia set down her knife.
The truth of the situation hit her like a sucker punch. Joss hadn’t changed in the last couple of weeks. She had. Olivia had an overwhelming urge to run from the house and drive straight to Joss’s.
She resisted it because doing so would be impulsive and crazy. It was Thanksgiving morning. Joss might even be at her parents’ house already. She might have no desire to see Olivia. Or to talk.
Olivia realized her mother was still sitting there, waiting for a response. She knew better than to start an argument. Her mother would dismiss whatever she said as sass and Olivia would only end up angrier. “I have a hell of a lot more in common with Joss than I ever did with Amanda.”
“You’re so quick to say that, but I could never figure out why. She’s from an excellent family, she’s professionally ambitious, and she was crazy about you.”
Olivia huffed. “She was crazy about the idea of us being together. She thought I’d be a suitable second half of her power couple.”
“You say that like it’s the most horrible thing in the world.”
“Is that what you and Daddy are?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you
two suitable halves of a power couple?”
Sharon considered for a moment. “I suppose you could say that. We complement each other, personally and professionally.”
To Olivia, it sounded pragmatic and completely devoid of passion. “Are you happy, Mama?”
Sharon set down her coffee. “Of course I’m happy, darling. Why would you ask that?”
“Does your heart beat a little faster when you think about Daddy? Did it used to, at least?”
“You’re asking if I have passion for your father?”
Olivia shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Probably not in the way you’re thinking. I grew up with the expectation that I would get married and have children. I only went to college because my parents figured it would be the best way for me to secure a husband with a solid future. When I met your father, he opened my eyes to something different. He wanted a wife who would be his partner, in every sense of the word. He respected me, and that was a lot more important than someone who made my insides fluttery.”
Olivia realized she’d never heard that story before. It didn’t resonate, necessarily, but she understood it. “And you want the same thing for me.”
“Being madly in love is overrated, darling. You need someone you can count on, someone with the same priorities as you.”
Olivia thought about her fight with Joss. It had been all about priorities. Joss had become convinced that Olivia’s priorities were completely different from her own. They had, Olivia realized with dread, morphed into exactly what she’d spent her whole life trying to avoid—ambition and status over everything else. With Joss, she could have the balance of life and work. She could be successful, but still manage to have fun. And, perhaps most importantly, she could have all that and passion. The idea of waiting until after the holiday to sort things out no longer felt acceptable. Olivia needed to do it now.