Wedgie & Gizmo

by Suzanne Selfors

  Muh-ha-ha!

  I’M INSIDE. MOM, ELLIOT, JASMINE, JACKSON, and the Furry Potato are outside.

  I want to play with my pack. Why can’t I play with my pack?

  IT IS MORNING, DEAR READER. MY BELLY FEELS much better and I am ready to begin my Evil Work again. I decide to focus on my Evil Plan, but a creaking sound draws my attention. The human girl is tiptoeing into Elliot’s room. And she is heading straight for the Barbie Playhouse. Oh, drat.

  Why must she continue to bother me? I shudder when I spy the object in her hand—the dreaded Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager. I try to hide in Barbie’s pink closet, but the girl grabs me and puts the Biju Ting Ting on top of my head. It makes every muscle in my body relax. I cannot move. I begin to feel sleepy. How very annoying. Does she not realize what important work I have to do? She giggles. Does she think it is funny to immobilize me? What a fiendish child! She kisses my head, then hurries away. Good riddance.

  Finally, I am left in peace. I turn my attention to my list. Over the last few days, it has grown much longer.

  MY EVIL PLAN

  1. Escape the pink prison and build an Evil Genius Lair.

  2. Get rid of Thorgi.

  3. Get rid of the Elderly One.

  4. Get rid of the Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager.

  5. Make pink hearts, green clovers, and yellow stars the official food of all cavies.

  6. Become the king of all cavies, create a cavy uprising, and take over the world!

  Oh, double drat! The girl is back. I squeak at her to go away, but she does not obey. She kisses my head again, then she slides a sparkly tutu around my middle. True, the blue of the garment does compliment my eyes. And true, I have a pleasingly large rump that looks good in ruffles. But I do not have time to model her clothing. Does she not see my appointment list? I have a very full schedule!

  ELLIOT: Jasmine, what are you doing in my room?

  JASMINE: I wanted to see Gizmo.

  ELLIOT: You put him in that tutu again? I told you not to dress him up.

  JASMINE: But . . .

  ELLIOT: Stop coming in here and bugging him. And stop bugging me!

  Elliot closes his bedroom door. The girl is gone. Elliot removes the sparkly tutu from my midsection and throws it across the room. He is a loyal servant. He understands the importance of my work.

  ELLIOT: I’m sorry, Gizmo. (sigh)

  I’m sorry we moved here. I miss my old friends.

  Elliot is sad. I wonder if there is anything I might do to cheer him up. Perhaps if I allow him to clean my litter box, he will feel happier? It is an honor, of course, to clean the litter of someone as important as me. I point at the soiled wood chips, but Elliot does not notice. He sits on the edge of his bed, his shoulders hunched. I understand Elliot’s sadness. I too miss old friends. Since the move to this new house, there have been no letters from Gweneviere. What has become of my carrier pigeons? I will need to find new ones. But whenever a bird, be it a robin, a crow, or a pigeon, lands on the windowsill, that drooling canine barks at it and chases it away. Thorgi must be dealt with or, I fear, I will never be able to send another letter to my future queen.

  So, the first challenge before me is this—to rid myself of Thorgi. My plan is to lure him into the Pool of a Thousand Pees and be done with him. Genius, of course. Evil Genius.

  But how will I achieve this? Over the past few days I have noticed that the canine is easily distracted. When he sees something new, he always goes to sniff it. Sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong seems to be his only talent. Therefore, I will lure him with something bright and shiny.

  I nibble on alfalfa pellets, waiting for the perfect time to engage my cunning plan.

  DAD: Come on, Elliot. We’re all going to the beach.

  MOM: Elliot, your birthday’s tomorrow. Are you excited?

  ELLIOT: Not really. It won’t be the same without my friends.

  JASMINE: But we’ll be here.

  JACKSON: I love birthday cake!

  ELLIOT: I just want to forget about my birthday.

  DAD: You don’t mean that.

  ELLIOT: Yes, I do.

  DAD: Okay, everyone, enough standing around. Go grab your bathing suits.

  MOM: Wedgie, you’ll have to stay here. We aren’t going to Dog Beach today.

  I sit up. How delightful. The family is going to take a trip, but they will leave the canine behind. There will be no one to save him from his fate. I rub my paws together. This will be so much fun! I listen for the front door to close and for everyone’s footsteps to fade. I purr with satisfaction. It is time to show the whole world what an Evil Genius I am!

  With a series of jumps, I make my way down the bookcase and onto the carpet. Then I waddle to Elliot’s doorway and peer down the hall. The canine stands at the end of the hall, scratching on the front door. He is whimpering. And he is not wearing his cape. I suspect he lost it. What kind of superhero loses his cape? He barks and runs in a circle. Such noise pollution! Once I get rid of him, I shall receive dozens of thank-you cards from the neighbors. In fact, I bet the neighborhood will throw a block party in my honor.

  But what is this? I hear more footsteps, slow and shuffling. Horrors! It is the Elderly One. What is she doing here? Why did she not go to the beach with the rest of the humans? She opens the door and lets the canine outside. Then she goes back to her throne. For a moment I am worried. The Elderly One, with her hunger for cooked cavy, is a danger to me. But I will not let her get in my way. Today, my Evil Goal is to lure Thorgi into the Pool of a Thousand Pees. Victory shall be mine!

  I venture into Jasmine’s room and locate my Polar Expedition Rucksack and water bottle. An Evil Genius must stay hydrated. Then I search the landscape until I find exactly what I am looking for—a piece of blue sea glass. During those days in Jasmine’s room, I watched this piece of glass reflect sunlight and cast a blue spot on the wall. When Jasmine picked up the piece of sea glass, the spot moved around. This would certainly distract the canine.

  I set the sea glass into my rucksack, sling it onto my back, then make my way down the hall. The canine is outside, barking. I do not have time to build a battering ram, so for now, there is no way for me to open the front door. Thus, I continue into the living room.

  The Elderly One is lying on her throne. She has fallen asleep. A bag of cheesy treats is tucked under her arm. Having eaten only alfalfa pellets and water for the last two days, I am overjoyed to see these treats. I stand on my hind legs and stretch my body, making it as long as possible. One of the treats has fallen onto the cushion. How delightful! I grab the orange morsel and dart under the coffee table. My mouth waters as I gaze upon my treasure. Then I sink my teeth into it. I shiver with happiness, for it is delicious!

  I consume the treat, then carefully clean cheesy crumbs from my face. An Evil Genius must always look his best. The canine starts barking again. It is time to deal with him. I crawl out from the coffee table and . . .

  jump onto a footstool . . .

  jump onto a chair . . .

  jump onto a table . . .

  jump onto a shelf . . .

  then jump onto the windowsill.

  After taking a moment to catch my breath, I check over my shoulder to make sure the Elderly One is still asleep. She is. The window provides me with a perfect view. The backyard is green and lush. There is a palm tree and a grapefruit tree. There are roses in bloom. The Pool of a Thousand Pees sparkles in the sunlight. It looks so refreshing and inviting, the canine will never suspect that the water is poisonous.

  I remove the sea glass from my rucksack and hold it up to catch a ray of sun. Then I aim the ray at the cement patio that surrounds the pool. It makes a lovely blue dot. I move the blue dot back and forth. It only takes a few moments for the canine to notice. The barking stops. With a burst of speed, the canine runs toward the dot. This is going to be easier than I thought. I move the blue dot closer to the pool. The canine tries to catch it with his paws. Then he tries to bite it. I shake
my head. How can a brain that is ten times larger than mine be so empty? I move the dot again. Closer and closer. I cannot contain my laughter.

  Muh-ha-ha.

  Suddenly, the canine skids to a stop. He turns away, distracted.

  A white van has pulled into the driveway. A man steps out of the van. The canine forgets about chasing the dot. He wags his tail. That is when I realize that, once again, I have underestimated my archenemy. The words on the side of the van read:

  FRED’S POOL CLEANING SERVICE

  No! I cry, shaking my fists. Foiled again! The sea glass tumbles to the floor. The canine must have suspected my cunning plan, and thus, he called a cleaning service to remove the poisonous water. The Pool of a Thousand Pees will no longer be toxic. Curse you, Thorgi!

  But what is this? I am being lifted into the air. I find myself staring into the watery eyeballs of the Elderly One. And she looks hungry!

  MY FAMILY’S GONE, BUT THE POOL MAN’S here. I LOVE the pool man. Whenever he comes to visit, he always brings me treats. I LOVE treats. I forget all about the funny blue light. I wag and sniff the pool man’s ankles. He smells like swimming pool water. Hello, pool man. Can I have a treat?

  POOL MAN: Hi, Wedgie. Where’s your cape?

  Cape is a good word. I LOVE my cape. But my cape’s gone. Mom took it away this morning.

  MOM: Wedgie, your cape is very dirty. I need to wash it.

  Don’t worry, Wedgie, you’ll get the cape back when it’s clean.

  I really want to get my cape back. Jasmine gave me the cape. I LOVE Jasmine. I wag as fast as I can and whine, real loud so the pool man can hear me. He sticks his hand into his pocket and pulls out a treat. He reaches down. I grab it from his fingers and swallow it whole. I don’t even taste it. I wait for another treat. I get one. I swallow that one whole, too.

  The pool man opens his van and pulls out his tools and buckets. He’s not petting me, so I run across the yard and press my nose to the fence. I see my stick lying in Brutus’s grass. There are people working in Brutus’s yard. Hello, people! Can I have my stick? I ask. But they don’t get my stick. I run up and down the fence. Can I have my stick? I ask again. One of the people picks up my stick and puts it onto a pile. Then another person takes the pile and puts it into a truck. Hey! I shout. That’s my stick! But they don’t hear me because there’s a loud noise. A man’s pushing a machine that cuts grass. I HATE that machine. It hurts my ears. I run onto the porch and scratch at the front door. No one lets me in. I’m not wearing my cape, so my superpowers don’t open the door.

  I’m sad. I lie down on the porch.

  I wait for the car. I wait for my family. They’ll come back. They always come back. Sometimes I worry that they won’t come back. I worry that I’ll be left alone. I don’t like that feeling. I scratch at the door again. But no one lets me in. The pool man leaves. The yard people leave. My stick’s gone. My cape’s gone. My family’s gone. I put my chin on the ground and wait.

  DEAR READER, MY LITTLE GUINEA PIG HEART is pounding at an alarming speed.

  Can you blame me? When faced with a human who is a hundred times my size and who likes to eat my species, how can I not be afraid? From the hungry look in the Elderly One’s eyes, I am clearly on the menu.

  I go into survival mode. I kick. I bite. I squeal. But she is strong for her advanced years. She holds tight and carries me to the kitchen. I think for certain that my time has come. My life flashes before my eyes. The sweet days with my littermates, frolicking in our nest. The lovely days at Swampy’s Pet Shop, watching Gweneviere train on her wheel. The glorious days in my old Evil Lair, creating the Evil Blueprints for my future kingdom. Alas, is this how it is going to end? In the Elderly One’s stomach?

  She sets me onto a counter in the kitchen. Under normal circumstances I would have been overjoyed to be in the presence of so much food. I smell grains, fruits, and green vegetables. But I ignore these scents, because a pot sits on the stove, exactly like the one on that television show. Woe is me! I am overcome with despair. What will the cavy species do without me? How can cavies take over the world without an awesome leader?

  I do not blame the Elderly One for wanting to eat me. I am meaty, and I possess a fine round rump. There is no doubt in my mind that I would taste delicious. But my destiny is not to be stewed!

  As the Elderly One searches through a drawer, I scurry up and down the counter, but there is no place to hide. The toaster’s slots are too narrow, and the blender contains a dangerous blade. If I try to jump off the counter, surely I will be flattened. The Elderly One takes out a long piece of tape. She measures me from nose to tail. She wraps it around my belly and measures my girth. She is measuring me for her cooking pot!

  There is only one choice—I must jump! As soon as the Elderly One turns her back, I run, my little legs pumping as fast as they can. Then I jettison myself off the counter . . .

  landing on a table . . .

  I scurry around a vase of flowers . . .

  then dive onto a chair . . .

  I leap from one chair to another . . .

  then jump to the floor.

  I make it in one piece!

  ABUELA: Cavia? Where did you go? Cavia?

  She is looking for me. But I know the perfect place to hide. Whilst exploring Elliot’s room last night, I discovered a hole behind the trim under his bed. It had been chewed by a mouse. I scamper quickly up the hallway into Elliot’s room, then under his bed. The hole is too small for me, so I chew as fast as I can. I can hear the Elderly One calling for me in the kitchen. I chew faster. After a few minutes, I am able to enlarge the hole so I can squeeze through. The Elderly One will have to find someone else to eat!

  I settle behind Elliot’s wall, my little heart still pounding. What a day this has been. Thorgi escaped the Pool of a Thousand Pees, and I escaped the Elderly One. I will stay here for a while. Until it is safe to come out.

  But I am hungry. Until further notice, please send your care packages to me at:

  Gizmo the Evil Genius

  Behind the Wall in Elliot’s Room

  Nowhere Near the Andes Mountains

  WHAT’S THAT? IT’S THE CAR! I JUMP TO MY paws. My family’s back! I’m so happy! When they get out of the car, I smell Jasmine’s ankles. They smell like sand and lotion. She pats my head. I smell Jackson’s ankles. They smell like salt water. I lick them. Hello, people! I’ve been alone all day! Pet me pet me pet me! Everyone pets me, except for Elliot. I run around him, wagging, but he still doesn’t pet me.

  We go inside. I smell everyone’s shoes. I lick Jackson’s hand. I roll on my back and get some belly scratches from my new dad. I LOVE belly scratches.

  ELLIOT: Where’s Gizmo?

  DAD: He’s not in your room?

  ELLIOT: No. I can’t find him.

  Uh-oh. Something’s wrong. Elliot sounds upset. Dad stops scratching me. What did I do? I don’t hear any important words like get, stop, or don’t. No one’s talking to me. They’re looking around. Jasmine’s looking under the couch. Mom’s looking in the pantry. Dad lifts the lid on the toilet and looks inside. Are we playing a game?

  JASMINE: Abuela? Where’s Gizmo?

  ABUELA: Who?

  JASMINE: Elliot’s guinea pig.

  ABUELA: I don’t know. He ran off.

  ELLIOT: Ran off?

  ABUELA: He was sitting at the window. He was trying to make the dog fall into the pool.

  ELLIOT: What’s she talking about?

  MOM: I’m sure Gizmo is fine. Let’s all look for him.

  Yes, we’re playing a game. But what are we looking for? I wag my stubby tail. I wanna play!

  We keep looking. We look everywhere. Are we looking for my cape? I would like to find my cape. Let’s find my cape! Jasmine and Jackson are looking. Mom and Dad are looking. Elliot’s looking too. I find lots of things. There are dirty socks under Jackson’s bed. There’s a tiny shell on Jasmine’s shoe. There’s something moldy between the wall and the cold food machine, but
I can’t get it.

  DAD: Are we sure we checked every room?

  JASMINE: Yes. Twice!

  ELLIOT: What if he got outside?

  MOM: Abuela, did you accidentally let Elliot’s guinea pig outside?

  ABUELA: In Peru, they are very happy to live outside.

  ELLIOT: He can’t go outside. He might get hit by a car!

  We all run outside to look for my cape. We look in the bushes. We look under the porch. I piddle on the hedge. I chase a squirrel up Squirrel Tree. I run over to the fence. Brutus! Did you take my cape? Give me my cape! I’m very mad at Brutus. He should stop taking my stuff. I piddle on the fence. Brutus doesn’t say anything.

  A truck pulls up. A man gets out. He’s holding balloons. I don’t like balloons. They float up in the air and then they explode. I don’t like that sound.

  DELIVERY MAN: Are you the birthday boy?

  ELLIOT: Not until tomorrow.

  DELIVERY MAN: Well, I guess you get to celebrate a day early.

  DAD: Oh look, Elliot. The balloons are from Grandpa.

  ELLIOT: I don’t want to celebrate early. Not without Gizmo.

  Elliot sounds very sad. He runs back into the house. This is Brutus’s fault. I stick my nose into Brutus’s yard. I whimper. Brutus? Where’s my cape? Please give me my cape so Elliot won’t be sad. Elliot wants me to be Super Wedgie again.