Wedgie & Gizmo

by Suzanne Selfors

  But Brutus just stares at me.

  DEAR READER, I SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY behind the wall. The humans search for me, but their efforts are in vain. The canine follows them around, but he does not find me either. I am not a lowly farm animal to be herded. I am Gizmo the Evil Genius, and no creature shall find me unless I want to be found!

  But hunger is a powerful force. I am tempted to dash into the kitchen and snatch an apple. Or burrow beneath the couch pillows for one of those cheesy treats. But I must stay hidden, for if I emerge in daylight, I might end up in the Elderly One’s cooking pot. Fortunately, the mouse who once lived in this hole has left an acorn. It is withered, and not very tasty, but it will hold me over.

  Surely Elliot does not know the Elderly One’s plans. He is my loyal servant and he would never allow me to be cooked. I need to tell Elliot the truth. So, when the humans go back outside, I scurry out of the hole and toss a note onto Elliot’s pillow.

  The Elderly One wants to eat me!

  Then, just as the humans return, I dart back into my hiding place.

  I hear Elliot’s footsteps. He will read the note and tell the others. Then the Elderly One will be sent away. But when I peer from the hole, I see the canine sitting on the floor beside the bed, eating my note! How dare he! I will no longer be fooled by the dumb expression on the canine’s face. He is more cunning than he looks, and his very purpose in life is to thwart me and my Evil Plans.

  ELLIOT: Dad, do you think Gizmo ran away? Do you think he’s mad because he’s stuck in the Barbie Playhouse?

  DAD: I don’t think a guinea pig cares about things like that. Besides, his new cage will be delivered soon.

  ELLIOT: Maybe he doesn’t like it here. Maybe he doesn’t want to be my pet anymore.

  DAD: Gizmo loves you. He didn’t run away. He’s just exploring. It’ll be okay. Go to sleep. We’ll search again tomorrow.

  I do not want Elliot to worry about me. But until I have gotten rid of the Elderly One, I can’t let anyone find me.

  The lights go out, and the house grows quiet. Elliot stops tossing and turning and his breathing slows. He is asleep. The canine snores from his basket in the living room. It is time to put my Evil Plan into motion. I leave my hiding place. What’s this? Elliot has placed my food dish on the carpet. He knew I’d be hungry. What a good servant he is. But when I look inside, the dish is empty and covered in dog slobber. That thief! Stealing my precious alfalfa pellets! I will have my revenge! My belly growls. Despite my hunger, I must press on. There is much to do.

  I find a piece of paper and pen and I write a shipping label for the human who collects the mail. It reads:

  Attention Mail Delivery Human:

  Return this Elderly One to Peru.

  Special Overnight Airmail Delivery.

  First Class. Right Away. Do Not Delay!

  I tuck the label into my Polar Expedition Rucksack. Unfortunately, my water bottle is empty. I sling the rucksack onto my back. I cross the hallway and enter a room I have not yet explored. It belongs to the Elderly One. She is sleeping in her nest. I jump onto a stool, then onto her nest. Very slowly, I walk up her pillow. Her eyes are closed. There are strange orange rods all over her head. I take the delivery label and stick it onto her forehead. In the morning, the mail delivery human will come and take the Elderly One away, to ship her to Peru. Sometimes I am amazed by my own brilliance. I rub my paws together with glee.

  The night is just getting started.

  I peer down the hallway to make certain the coast is clear, then I waddle into Jasmine’s room. It only takes a few minutes to find that which I seek. The Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager lies on the carpet next to a tablet of paper and crayons. A picture has been drawn on the tablet. It appears to be a potato with fur, stick legs, and glasses. How odd. I hope Jasmine does not want to be an artist when she grows up, because this drawing is terrible. There is no such thing as a furry potato.

  But there is no time to ponder Jasmine’s future, for I have work to do. I turn my attention to the Biju Ting Ting. With my sharp teeth, I begin to chew my way through its pieces. Never again will it be used to immobilize me! I quickly turn it into a pile of little pieces. I grab one of Jasmine’s socks. I place the little pieces into the sock. Then I start walking backward down the hallway, pulling the sock with my teeth.

  I bump right into the canine’s basket. He is still fast asleep, his legs twitching. I smile most Evilly, for little does he know, he will soon be in trouble. Big, big trouble. That is what he deserves for eating my food, destroying my notes, and getting in my way. Thorgi, you shall feel my wrath!

  One by one, I set the pieces of the Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager into his basket, ever so careful not to wake him. When I am finished, I pause to savor the moment. Jasmine will think that her canine destroyed her precious toy. She will get so upset, she will banish the canine from this home. How clever I am! I want to laugh with Evil Glee, but I clap my paws over my mouth so as not to wake anyone.

  In a single night, I have defeated my three foes—the Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager, the Elderly One, and Thorgi. Good riddance to all of you!

  But, until the Elderly One has been mailed to Peru, I must continue to hide. And so, I make my way back to the hole in Elliot’s wall. I feel a bit dizzy as I waddle. A bit weak. I need something to eat, but alas, I find not a crumb along the way.

  Hopefully, the morning will bring a bright new day, a day without the Biju Ting Ting, without the Elderly One, and without the canine. And then, I shall be free to build my Evil Lair.

  Tomorrow will be glorious!

  I’M A BAD DOG. I DON’T KNOW WHY. BAD DOG, Jasmine tells me. Bad Dog, she says again. Jasmine won’t pet me. She’s frowning at me. She’s stomping her foot.

  JASMINE: Mom! Wedgie chewed up my scalp massager!

  MOM: Oh no. Bad Wedgie.

  JASMINE: Yes. Bad dog!

  I don’t like the word bad. I don’t want to be bad. How did all these things get into my basket? I don’t remember putting them here. And why do they smell like the Furry Potato?

  JASMINE: Go away, Wedgie, I’m mad at you.

  MOM: Jasmine, I want you to put a smile on your face. It’s Elliot’s birthday today.

  JASMINE: Okay. But I’m still mad at Wedgie.

  I lie on the floor and whimper. I am a bad dog, and I don’t know why. My family walks into the kitchen and sits at the table. It’s breakfast time. I smell waffles. I LOVE waffles. I slink into the kitchen and wait next to Jackson’s chair. I know that Jackson will drop a piece of waffle. He always drops things for me. He LOVES me. I sit quietly. And wait. And wait. Where is the waffle? Please oh please oh please give me a piece of waffle. But I am a bad dog, so I don’t get a waffle.

  DAD: Did Gizmo come back last night?

  ELLIOT: No. I don’t know what to do. What if he’s outside?

  JASMINE: We could walk around the neighborhood and ask the neighbors if they’ve seen him.

  MOM: That’s a good idea.

  DAD: Do you have a photo of Gizmo for the posters?

  ELLIOT: Just a baby photo.

  JASMINE: I have something that will work!

  Everyone’s moving around. They’re busy. They don’t pet me. What’s going on? Dad’s carrying my leash. He puts it on me. He wants me to take him for a walk. But where’s my cape? I sure miss my cape. I’m not Super Wedgie without my cape.

  Mom and Abuela wave good-bye as Dad, Elliot, Jasmine, Jackson, and I go outside for a walk. I start heading toward Duck Pond, but Dad tugs on my leash. We stop at a neighbor’s house. Elliot knocks on the door. The door opens. I sniff the neighbor’s ankles. They smell like dust and cat. Is there a cat inside this house? I narrow my eyes.

  JASMINE: Hi, Mr. Schwartz. This is my new brother, Elliot. His pet is missing.

  ELLIOT: Have you seen him? His name is Gizmo.

  MR. SCHWARTZ: Well, my cat killed a mouse last night. Is Gizmo a mouse?

  ELLIOT: No, he’s a guinea pig.

&n
bsp; MR. SCHWARTZ: Haven’t seen him.

  ELLIOT: What if a cat gets Gizmo?

  DAD: Don’t worry. We’ll keep looking.

  This is a very long walk. We stop at another house, then another. There are so many ankles to sniff. Some smell like soap. Some smell like socks. Some of the neighbors pet me. Hello, Wedgie, they say. Where’s your cape? I don’t know where my cape is. I really want my cape. At each house, there are ankles to smell and new plants to piddle on. I press my nose against Jasmine’s leg. She doesn’t pet me. Am I still a bad dog?

  We’ve walked the entire neighborhood and now we’re going home. But Dad stops at Brutus’s house. Brutus is lying in his yard, next to the fence. I growl. Stay away from my family, Brutus! Dad drops my leash and he, Elliot, Jasmine, and Jackson walk up the porch and knock on Brutus’s door. Leaving me in the yard with Brutus. Brutus lifts his head and looks at me. He sees that I don’t have my cape. He sees that I am not Super Wedgie. Will he attack? I stand my ground. Brutus gets up and walks toward me. He sure is slow. It takes him a long, long time. I try to look fierce. But he’s a very big dog. When I look up, all I see are his legs and his belly. He sniffs me. Then, he wags his tail. I sniff him. Then I wag my stubby tail. We both wag our tails. I walk around him, again and again. We wag and wag and wag. Hey, people! Guess what? Brutus is my friend!

  DAD: Elliot! Where are you going?

  ELLIOT: We’ll never find Gizmo. He’s gone! This is the worst birthday ever!

  My family is running home. See ya, Brutus! I bound after them, my leash dragging behind me. Why are we running? What’s happening?

  TODAY WAS NOT GLORIOUS, DEAR READER. The Elderly One is still out there. As is the canine. The only thing I managed to destroy is the Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager. At least I can cross one thing off my Evil Plan, yet there is so much more to do. I am parched. And famished. An entire day gone by with no water or food. And no one has sent me a care package. An Evil Genius cannot survive on air!

  Night has fallen, but I am too tired to leave this hole and search for food. How can I face my foes if I am weakened by thirst and hunger?

  Am I doomed? I did not make Gweneviere my queen. I did not build my new Evil Lair. So many things I wanted to accomplish, and yet, I have not the strength to drag myself from this hiding place. I have never gone this long without something to eat.

  Oh, woe is me.

  I DON’T LIKE THIS NIGHT. The balloons are tied to a chair in the kitchen. They float and make shadows on the floor. They’re super scary. Jasmine’s in her room with the door shut. She won’t pet me. Elliot’s in his room with the door shut. He won’t pet me. Mom and Dad and Abuela are staring at the television screen. Only Jackson will pet me. I lick his face. It tastes like orange juice.

  JACKSON: Wedgie, that tickles. Hey, where’s your cape?

  Mom? Where’s Wedgie’s cape?

  MOM: In the dryer.

  I hear the word cape. I wag my stub. Yes, I want my cape. Do you have my cape? I follow Jackson down the hall, to the Warm Room. I like to sleep in the Warm Room. He opens something and pulls out . . . MY CAPE! I bark with joy. Jackson found my cape! I LOVE Jackson.

  I’m so happy I can’t stop wiggling. My front end and my back end are both moving. My paws make clicking sounds on the floor. I was sad but now I’m happy. Happy, happy, happy! Jackson found my cape!

  He ties it around my neck. I feel different. I feel like . . . Super Wedgie.

  I run down the hall and scratch on Jasmine’s door. Look, Jasmine, I’m Super Wedgie again! I run across the hall and scratch on Elliot’s door. Look, Elliot, I’m Super Wedgie again! I run in circles, activating my superpowers, and the door opens!

  JACKSON: Elliot? Don’t you want birthday cake?

  ELLIOT: No.

  I want Gizmo to come back.

  I run up to the Furry Potato’s cage. Look, Furry Potato, I’m . . .

  Hey, where’s the Furry Potato? Did he get lost again? That silly Furry Potato. Don’t worry, people. Now that I have my cape, I’ll find him. I’ll find him with my superpowers of smell and my superpowers of sight. Here I come, Furry Potato. Super Wedgie to the rescue!

  I sniff around the room until I find a little trail. A little trail made by tiny paws. I find a tiny Furry Potato poop. It tastes good. I find another tiny Furry Potato poop. The trail leads under Elliot’s bed. I sniff and sniff. The trail moves around a shoe, and over a book, and stops at the wall. I press my nose to the wall. The smell is stronger in this place. I scratch at the wall. I bark and bark and bark.

  ELLIOT: Hey, Wedgie, stop that. Get out of my room!

  DAD: What’s he doing under your bed?

  ELLIOT: He’s barking at something.

  DAD: Let’s see what it is.

  I stick my nose into the hole, as far as it will go. Hey, it smells like the Furry Potato. My nose touches something furry. Yes, it’s the Furry Potato. What are you doing, Furry Potato? Are you sleeping? Wake up, Furry Potato. I’m Super Wedgie again!

  DAD: There’s a hole back here.

  JACKSON: Can I see?

  ELLIOT: It’s Gizmo!

  JASMINE: What’s the matter with him? Why isn’t he moving?

  JACKSON: Is he dead?

  Dad carries Gizmo into the kitchen and puts him on the counter. I can’t see. I stand on my back legs but I still can’t see. What’s going on up there? I lick my lips. I wonder if I can find more Furry Potato poop?

  JASMINE: Look, he’s moving.

  MOM: He’s eating! He’s going to be okay!

  DAD: I think we found him just in time.

  JACKSON: Wedgie found him.

  ELLIOT: You’re right. Wedgie found him.

  Elliot gets on his knees. Hello, Elliot. What are you doing down here on the floor? He hugs me. And pets me. And kisses my face. He’s smiling. I’m so happy that Elliot’s smiling. I wag my tail. I LOVE Elliot.

  Then Jasmine gets down on the floor and she hugs me. And pets me. And kisses my face. I LOVE Jasmine. I wag so fast it starts to hurt. I run in circles. Round and round Elliot. Round and round Jasmine. Everyone pets me. I’m so happy.

  JASMINE: I’m sorry I called you a bad dog.

  ELLIOT: Thank you for finding Gizmo.

  You’re the best dog ever.

  And this is the best birthday ever.

  EVERYONE: Happy birthday, Elliot!

  HELLO AGAIN, DEAR READER.

  You will be pleased to learn that I am fully recovered from what was nearly a deadly case of dehydration and starvation. But I am back, and in full health, and as determined as ever to complete my Evil Plan.

  But first, a bit of news. Whilst I was enjoying a snack of carrot stick and broccoli stalk, Elliot walked into his room with a large package in hand.

  ELLIOT: Look, it finally came!

  It’s your new Eco Habitat.

  JASMINE: That’s a really nice cage. Gizmo seems very happy.

  I spend the afternoon exploring my new home. Just like my old Eco Habitat, there is a tunnel system, an elimination chamber, and a stellar exercise wheel. But this new model comes with a few upgrades—it is larger and the nesting chamber is soundproof, which will be nice because the canine is very noisy.

  So, I’m pleased to report that I have a new address. You may send your letters and care packages to me at:

  Gizmo the Evil Genius

  The Eco Habitat

  The Bookshelf in Elliot’s Room

  Nowhere Near the Andes Mountains

  As I waddle on my wheel, I think about all the things that have happened. I overheard the humans say that the canine saved my life. I do not know if this is true, for I was unconscious at the time of my discovery. And I have no further comment on this. Except to say that I am considering moving him from Enemy #1 on my list to Enemy #2. I shall think more on this subject and let you know what I decide.

  The Postal Service did not send the Elderly One back to Peru. She removed the shipping label from her forehead before the postal delivery human arrived. She m
ay have outsmarted me this time, but I will find a way to be rid of her. Elliot tells me that he is happy I didn’t run away. He is doing a good job as my servant. I am confident that he will not allow the Elderly One to cook me. But still, I must be wary in her presence.

  I am about to take a nap, but Elliot picks me up and carries me down the hall. Are we going in search of a new treat? As we pass by an open door, I catch a glimpse of something that makes my little heart go pitter-patter. This new human house has a Maytag dryer!

  MOM: Look, Elliot. Abuela made your birthday cake.

  ELLIOT: Wow, it looks just like Gizmo.

  ABUELA: Yes, I measured him to get the cake exactly right.

  ELLIOT: Thank you.

  DAD: And you thought Abuela might want to eat Gizmo.

  ABUELA: Why would I eat Gizmo? I’m a vegetarian.

  Well, well, well, now that is an interesting turn of events. It would appear that the Elderly One is afraid of me after all. She knows that if she mistreats me, I will have her shipped back to Peru. So, to keep me happy, she has decided to stop eating meat. I am victorious!

  As I sit on Elliot’s lap, I ponder the past, present, and future. Now that Elliot has resumed his role as my servant, and I am settled into my new house, I can focus on my new Evil Lair. Tonight, whilst the humans sleep, I will begin building it behind the Maytag dryer. It will be extraordinary.

  The future is bright with possibility, dear reader. For the glorious day will come when I, Gizmo the Evil Genius, will become the king of all cavies, create a cavy uprising, and take over the world!

  JASMINE: Look, Gizmo. I got a new one.