Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo

by Heather Wardell

  "You look like a fifteen-year-old talking to her first boyfriend." She peered at me. "Are you blushing?"

  "Maybe," I said, putting as much dignity as I could into my voice. "And I was eighteen when we got together. So, what do you think?"

  "Pick me up a nice present in Paris."

  We laughed, and I said, "I'll keep that in mind. What else?"

  Her face turned serious. "He sounds like he really does want you back. I didn't think he meant it, but he sure sounds like he does." She frowned. "He's actually pressuring you a bit though, I think."

  "Yeah?" I hadn't thought so.

  "Well, trying to get you to go out with him. You shouldn't be seeing him alone like that, not while you're still..." She waved her wedding ring finger at me.

  I had to laugh. "Tash, I've had lunch and coffee with him a few times, dinner out once, and we spent the evening at Wonderland together a few weeks ago. I've been seeing him alone for a while now." But she was right, I shouldn't have been. If I hadn't...

  "Then I guess it's okay," she said, starting slowly but seeming to gain confidence as she spoke. "Yeah, it's okay. You're just doing the same thing you were before."

  Kegan's invitation for Tuesday night didn't feel like he was seeing it as just another outing. If I said yes to it, was I saying yes to everything?

  *****

  Once I got home, I tried to sit down and relax, but with so many thoughts and emotions coursing through me I just couldn't. I realized I hadn't been to the gym for a while, so I changed clothes and headed out.

  I worked away steadily on the elliptical machine, then did the weights circuit. I was still breathing hard and feeling the exertion in my muscles, but the vicious exhaustion that my earlier workouts had caused wasn't there any more. I was actually enjoying working out.

  As I lounged in the whirlpool afterwards, I thought about my plans for the evening. I had none. Did I want some? Specifically, did I want to see Kegan?

  I closed my eyes and tried Tasha's approach. Does it feel right to see Kegan tonight? I felt vivid energy swirl through me as I imagined returning his call, hearing his voice, meeting him somewhere, feeling his arms around me, his kiss...

  My eyes popped open. There couldn't be any more kisses. Not until... unless... I chose him. Every time I kissed him, it made my transgression worse, and also made it harder to really choose between them. Kegan had said he was okay with not having the physical stuff right now, but then he'd still kissed me in the car. Maybe he wasn't okay with it. I couldn't see him if he wasn't. But if he was okay....

  I clambered out of the whirlpool, showered and dressed as fast as I could, and was pulling out my cell phone as I stepped out onto the street.

  "Hi there." His voice was warm, and yet also somehow restrained.

  "Hi. I need to talk to you."

  "Okay, shoot." There was a lot of noise in the background, people laughing and talking.

  "Where are you?"

  "At a friend's house. We're having dinner tonight."

  I heard, "Whoever it is, invite him over too" faintly through the phone.

  "I'll be right back," Kegan said, not into the phone, and I heard the background noise gradually getting quieter until there was silence.

  "Okay, I’m outside. What did you want to talk about?"

  Faced with such an abrupt question, I couldn't remember. Why had I called him?

  "I got your message. I guess I'm just calling back."

  "I thought maybe you'd made your decision."

  "Oh! No, not yet. I... ummm... you said you were okay with the no physical stuff. Are you?"

  "Until you make up your mind, yes."

  "So you won't try to kiss me or anything?"

  "I won't do anything you don't want."

  "Right," I said slowly. He hadn't done anything yet that I hadn't wanted. That was pretty much the problem. "I need you not to kiss me, even if you think I want to. Can you do that?"

  "Of course, as long as you won't think I don't want you any more."

  I swallowed hard. "I won't."

  "Good. Because nothing could be further from the truth."

  I'd reached the subway station's entrance, but there was no way I was ending this call right now. I found a bench a little further along so I wouldn't be bothered by the people moving in and out, and sat down in the sunshine.

  "Really?"

  "Let me come get you and I'll show you."

  A heat that had nothing to do with the sun filled me. "Tell me what you'd do."

  There was a brief pause before he said, "I'd rather show you."

  "You can't. Tell me," I said, knowing I shouldn't be doing this but enjoying the banter.

  "Remember last night? In the car?"

  "Mmm-hmm."

  "I want to kiss you like that for hours. And you have no idea how much I want to make love to you."

  His voice dropped on the last few words, dark and intimate and richer than sin, and I remembered that kiss and tried to imagine hours of it. I wouldn't know my own name.

  He cleared his throat. "But I can't, so yes, I promise to behave myself."

  "Okay," I said, wishing I hadn't brought it up. I'd been thinking enough about being with him before; now I could almost feel his hands on me, his kisses...

  "What about the rest of my message? Tuesday night?"

  I swallowed hard. I should say no. I had to choose Ian. We were married. I had to choose Ian and let Kegan go and move on with my same old life. I had to pick Ian.

  "Yes. I'd like that."

  "I'm glad. Where do you want to go?"

  "Wherever you want to take me."

  "Really? Wherever?"

  I had to laugh. "Within the guidelines, yes."

  "That takes all the fun out of it," he said in what I hoped was a mock whiny voice.

  "Does it?"

  "Not even close, Candy. Not even close."

  We were silent for a moment, then I said, "I should let you go. You need to get back to your friends."

  "Can I see you tonight?"

  I licked my lips. "No. We said Monday."

  "They're our rules, Candy, we can change them whenever we want."

  "I don't want to change it."

  "Okay," he said. "I'll see you Monday then."

  Surprised by the sudden turnaround, I said, "Are you sure?"

  I could hear a smile in his voice as he said, "I'm not going to pressure you. You know how I feel, and if you don't let me know because I'd be happy to tell you in more detail. I know it's a big decision for you, and I don't want to force you. You have to do what you think will make you happy."

  At that precise moment, making love with Kegan seemed like a surefire way to make me happy. I had to think more long-term though.

  "What I can say, though," he went on, "is that I'll do everything in my power to give you a great life. I want to take care of you, help you in your career in any way I can, and never make you cry again. I..."

  The pause seemed endless as I waited for him to finish the sentence. He couldn't be going to say what I--

  "Candy, I love you. I do. Give me the chance to show you."

  Tears filled my eyes. Even if I'd been able to speak, I wouldn't have had anything to say. I couldn't tell him I loved him, not while I was still married to Ian. And I didn't know if I did. I knew I could, and it wouldn't take much to make it happen. But I didn't know yet if I really felt it.

  "I'll see you on Monday, okay?"

  "Okay," I managed to get out.

  "Take care of yourself."

  "You too."

  "I love you, Candy."

  And he was gone, leaving the words to echo in my head.

  To: ianw@buildaid.com

  From: ninjacatrocks@hotmail.com

  Subject: Sorry

  Sorry I didn't email last night. I went out to Light with some of the girls from work (Allyson's idea, of course) and by the time I got home I was in no shape to send email.

  You're right, the time has gone really fa
st. You'll be home in a week.

  C.

  Sunday, August 21st

  On any other Sunday, I would have been meeting Larissa for lunch, but even though we hadn't discussed it I knew it wouldn't be happening. I ate alone, at home, watching television. Once I'd finished eating, I picked up my crocheting, losing myself in the beauty of the yarn and trying not to think.

  After a while, I realized that I had to think. Tasha had told me I'd just know which one was right, but that hadn't worked. I had to try something else. I had to decide, and soon.

  Or did I? Would I be better to wait until Ian came back and then make the decision? I'd been assuming I had to know before he returned, but maybe that wasn't fair to him.

  No, I had to decide before he got back, because I couldn't pick him up at the airport not knowing whether I still wanted to be with him. If it wasn't him, I had to tell him beforehand.

  Tasha's airy-fairy method hadn't worked. Again I wished I could call Larissa. There was no way, though. She probably wouldn't be willing to even look at me once she knew what I'd done as it was, and if I chose Kegan instead of Ian, I was also choosing to end my friendship with Larissa.

  For what seemed like the billionth time since Ian left, tears filled my eyes. I didn't want to lose Larissa. But was that enough of a reason to choose Ian? It was definitely a point in his favor.

  I grabbed my notebook and a pen from my work bag and drew up a little chart. I had to make this very scientific, take all the emotion out of it, and maybe then I'd be able to choose.

  I wrote 'Topic' at the top of the first column, then put Ian's name at the top of the second column, and Kegan's on the third. "Will I still be friends with Larissa?" was the first entry in the topic column, and I put the number ten under Ian's name and a big round zero under Kegan's.

  How was this going to help? I'd just have a list of issues, and I still wouldn't know who to choose. I stared at the chart for a while, then added another column, 'Weighting'. Not everything was the same level of importance, after all. I would give each topic a weighting, then determine the rating for each man, and then add it up and know who to choose.

  I spent two hours on the project, thinking hard about what really mattered to me. I added issue after issue, ranging from "making my mother happy" to "good in bed" to "lots to talk about", and assigned weights to them all. Once I had all my issues, I went back and forth rating Ian and Kegan. I didn't do both of their ratings for the same issue together; I was trying to rate them individually rather than compare them. They were receiving very different scores, but I refused to allow myself to keep track so I could see who was winning.

  At last the chart was full of numbers, ratings and weightings. I started out trying to do the math in my head, but quickly gave up and found a calculator. I calculated all of the scores, then added up Ian's total.

  Eighty-one.

  My heart sped up as I added Kegan's scores. And re-added. And re-added.

  Eighty-one, every time.

  *****

  I spent the afternoon curled up on the couch staring at the television. Not watching it, just staring blankly and struggling to think of my next move.

  "Maybe I should flip a coin," I said to Ninja, passed out and snoring at my side. He didn't respond.

  Was I really considering making the biggest decision of my life based on a coin toss? I couldn't do that. But what could I base it on? Imagining being with Kegan filled me with excitement. Ian, at least the pre-Christmas Ian, made me feel warm and protected. They scored exactly the same on my little test. Short of setting up a timeshare thing where I spent alternate months with each, how was I going to resolve this?

  I had to talk to Larissa. She wouldn't want to hear from me, but I needed her. She had a real way of cutting through all the fluff around an issue, and there was more fluff around this one than in all my stuffed polar bears.

  I picked up my cell phone and turned it absently in my hand, thinking. If I phoned her, she'd probably just hang up. I could send her a text message. At least that way if she was furious I'd only have to read it instead hearing it.

  Larissa always complained about people sending her text messages with short forms of words ("We're turning into a bunch of illiterate fools!") so I made sure to spell out every word. It took a long time to figure out exactly what to say, but at last I had it ready. I gave it a final re-read before sending it off.

  "I need your help. I've screwed up. Kegan wants me back and I don't know what I want. I know you're mad and I deserve it. But can I talk to you?"

  I pushed the 'send' button and set the phone down on the coffee table. Right next to the little bear Ian had given me at the airport.

  I reached out and stroked the bear's soft fur, then brought it over to sit on my lap. It really was adorable. Exactly the kind of bear I liked. I snuggled it into my shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to draw comfort from it. Ian had touched it.

  As the first tear fell onto the bear, my cell phone signaled the arrival of a message. When I'd checked it, the tears came in earnest.

  "If you're even considering being with him there's nothing I can say to you."

  I fired back, "That's why I need you. Because I can't stop considering it."

  The bear was rather damp by the time the phone rang. I looked at the screen and fought back the tears.

  "Hi."

  "What the hell are you doing?"

  "I don't know."

  "Tell me."

  "Kegan says he wants me back. He says... he said he loves me."

  There was silence for so long that I took the phone away from my ear to see if I'd lost the connection. It didn't look like it. I put the phone back to my ear in time to hear her say, "--ass what he wants. And I can't understand why you care either. Are you actually stupid enough to fall for this?"

  "He means it."

  "Oh, he does not. He figures he'll get you to sleep with him, and then he'll dump you. Unless you already have slept with him?"

  "No!"

  "I bet he's asked, though."

  "He hasn't. He wants to take care of me."

  "There's nothing you can say to convince me he's got your best interests at heart. Unlike Ian, who definitely does. What is wrong with you?"

  "I don't know," I said, dissolving into tears.

  "And what do you want me to say? 'Oh, go ahead, be with Kegan, it'll all be great?' He's going to rip you apart, just like the last time, and I don't want to see it."

  "It's different this time," I managed to get out.

  "Listen to yourself, crying over Kegan yet again." The scorn in her voice was hard to take. "It's no different. The only thing that's different this time is that you're going to break Ian's heart."

  I was sobbing too hard to answer this. What had I expected her to say? She would never see Kegan as anything but the jerk who'd hurt me all those years ago. He had changed, but she would never believe it. I knew he was different. I knew it.

  She sighed. "I can't do this. When you've come to your senses and realized he's bad for you, call me. Until then, there's nothing I can do."

  I've never heard a louder sound than the click of the phone as she hung up on me.

  *****

  After I'd cried for a while longer, I dragged myself upstairs and into the shower. The scalding hot water turned me pink and left me feeling drained and strangely at peace. There was nothing left to do. I'd lost Larissa. I was going to lose Ian too, and probably Tasha once Larissa got hold of her. I couldn't fight any more.

  Wrapped in my bathrobe, I called Kegan. "I think I've made up my mind."

  "I'll be right over."

  And for the second time that day, someone hung up on me. I stared at the phone. I hadn't meant for him to come over. Had I even meant what I'd said?

  Either way, I had to get dressed. I scrubbed my hair with a towel, put on the first clothes I could find, and gave myself a quick layer of makeup.

  I was sitting on the couch, feeling nervous enough to throw up, when Kegan
rang the doorbell. When I opened the door, we stood looking at each other for a long moment. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and run away at the same time.

  "Can I come in?" He was already moving forward, so my "No!" caught him off-guard.

  "No?"

  I shook my head. "Can we go for a drive?" I couldn't let him into Ian's house.

  He looked confused, but led me back to his car and got me settled in the passenger seat. By the time he'd gone around to the driver's side, I was in tears.

  "Candy, what's wrong?"

  He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me toward him. I cried into his chest for a long moment, then looked up at him. "You're ruining my life."

  I hadn't meant to say it, but as the words came out I knew I meant them. He swallowed hard. "Why?"

  "Larissa hates me."

  "Not a surprise, I guess. You told her?"

  "I told her I was thinking about it."

  "Not that you've decided?"

  I looked into his eyes. "I haven't decided."

  "But you said--"

  "I thought I had," I said, the words tumbling over each other, "but when I saw you I knew I haven't. I still don't know what I want."

  Kegan still had his arm around me, but I felt the distance between us grow. "Don't do this, Candy. I know it's a hard decision for you, but don't jerk me around. Once you decide, that needs to be it. You can't keep changing your mind."

  "I know. I won't. Just this time."

  He sighed. "If I were a better person, I guess I'd leave and make the decision for you. I can't, though. I want to be with you. I'm not going to leave until you tell me to."

  He brushed the tears from my cheek with the back of his hand. "Are you telling me to leave?"

  I looked into his eyes and felt my head begin to move from side to side. It picked up speed, and I said, "No. Not yet. I don't want you to go."

  He took my face in both hands, fingertips gently caressing me. "It'll all work out. You'll see."

  I couldn't see how, but as he pulled me into his arms and I dropped my head to his shoulder, I hoped he was right.