Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo

by Heather Wardell

  *****

  We drove around for nearly two hours, just aimlessly taking different roads and talking. Some of the time we talked about us, about what our lives would be like if I chose him, and I noticed that Kegan never used the word 'if'.

  "Do you want to live in my condo, or should we sell it and buy something else?"

  "How do you think your parents will react?"

  "When it's all settled, I think we should go away for a few weeks. I've never done an Alaskan cruise. That'll be fun, don't you think?"

  I answered all his questions ("Whatever you think", "No idea", "Sure"), and it was becoming more and more real to me that we might end up together. When I was at home alone, I knew I still loved Ian. When I was with Kegan, though, it was so hard to keep Ian in my mind. Ian was fading while Kegan became even brighter and more distinct.

  We talked about other things too, about his restaurant and his plans to eventually make it a chain, and about my career. I admitted that I did want to be a designer, and felt joy shimmer through me as I said the words out loud for the first time. He squeezed my hand, and said he knew I could do anything I wanted to do.

  At the end of the night, Kegan brought me home, and we sat in the car for a few minutes, arranging what time to meet in the morning at the restaurant. Once that was finished, he said, "I love you, Candy."

  I looked up at him and said nothing. Our eyes met briefly before he turned his head to stare out the window.

  "I can't say it." My voice was barely a whisper.

  "I know. I just wish you could."

  I sighed and picked up my purse. "Good night."

  "Candy, wait. I'm sorry. It's just hard on me too, you know?"

  I turned in my seat to face him. "I know. I'm trying."

  He stroked my cheek gently, and I leaned into his hand, feeling sweet warmth and awakening desire flowing into me. "Take your time. When you decide, I want you to be sure."

  I nodded. "I will be." I had to be.

  He withdrew his hand, kissed his fingertips, and pressed them to my forehead. "See you tomorrow."

  I wanted a real kiss, but I forced myself to get out of the car instead. I didn't know how I was going to make the decision, but basing it on how Kegan's kisses made me feel was a particularly bad method.

  Safely in the house, I logged into the computer, both hoping for and dreading an email from Ian, or Larissa.

  The inbox was empty.

  I shut down the computer. I had nothing to say, nothing to say to anyone.

  I changed into my pajamas and went back downstairs, intending to collapse on the couch and focus on nothing but my crocheting. My cell phone beeped as I entered the living room. I'd left it on the table when I took my shower and had forgotten to bring it with me on my drive with Kegan. Who'd called me?

  "Hmm, you're not answering this either. I'll give you a bit and try the home number again."

  Ian sounded a little confused, and maybe a tiny bit worried, but not upset. I, on the other hand, was devastated by his words. I'd forgotten about his phone call. How could I have done that?

  I picked up the home phone. Two messages.

  "Hey, Candice, it's me. I'm a bit early but I really wanted to talk to you so I thought I'd call. I'll wait until nine your time and try again."

  "Okay, I have to go to work now and you're still not home. I think this isn't going to happen. I'm sorry about that, because... Candice, I want you to know how much I love you. I haven't been telling you enough lately, and I definitely haven't been showing you, but I do. I said and did some pretty unforgivable stuff after my parents died, but I hope you can forgive me anyhow. I know, I always knew, it wasn't even close to being your fault, and I'm so sorry I said that. I'm hoping for a fresh start after I get home. I love you. Email me when you get a chance, okay? Bye."

  I dropped onto the couch and closed my eyes, too shocked even to cry. All the things I'd wanted to hear for months. He'd finally said them, and I had no idea what to do with them.

  There'd be a fresh start, for sure.

  One way or the other.

  I turned my crochet hook around in my fingers. What was I going to do?

  In the end, I did the only thing I could do. I crocheted. On and on for hours, the need to keep the yarn clean and dry stopping me from giving way to the tears that wanted to fall yet again. My wrist grew sore, my fingers ached, but I kept going. Until I put in the last stitch. The shawl was complete.

  I wrapped it around my shoulders. It was an odd combination, my green fuzzy night shirt and the sleek silk yarn, but even so, I could tell I'd created exactly what I'd hoped for, a thing of beauty. The various shades of blue in the yarn blended beautifully. Ian would love it.

  Would he get to see it?

  Monday, August 22nd

  After a near-sleepless night, I reached Steel about five minutes before nine, but Kegan was already there, inspecting the painting that had been done over the weekend. When I opened the door, he glanced over, and his face lit up when he realized it was me.

  A pang of something very close to love struck me at his expression. He hadn't been lying; he was in love with me, or getting there at any rate, and if I chose Ian I was going to hurt him, just as choosing Kegan would hurt Ian. No matter what I did, someone was going to suffer.

  Overwhelmed by the realization, I fled the restaurant, Kegan hot on my heels. Outside, away from his workers, I turned back and threw my arms around his neck. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. I snuggled my cheek into his chest, breathing in his scent, searching for comfort. Unlike the other times he'd held me, though, I didn't find any.

  I drew away first, and he looked down into my eyes. "How are you?"

  Forcing a smile, I said, "I'm all right. You?"

  "Just fine. Look, about tomorrow night, I remembered this morning that I have a meeting with my accountant at five and it'll be a long one. Are you free tonight instead?"

  I thought for a second. "Actually, yes." With my crocheting complete, the thought of being at home all evening was unbearable.

  He smiled. "Great. Can I pick you up at seven?"

  "You don't want to just go from here?"

  He shook his head. "I need to go home and change."

  "You look good to me," I said before I could stop myself. He did, though. Blue jeans and a black t-shirt, making the blue of his eyes even more intense.

  I was surprised to see his cheeks turn slightly pink. I'd never made him blush before. "Thanks," he said, "but I still want to change into something a little nicer."

  "Okay. Where are we going? Do I need to change too?"

  He ran his eyes slowly over me, from head to toe. "You're perfect."

  *****

  Once we went back into the restaurant, we were all business, and we stayed that way until just before noon when my cell phone's alarm went off.

  "Do you have a meeting?"

  I shook my head. "I just didn't want to forget to go to the office. I need to check my email."

  "I'll take you if you'd like. We can get lunch on the way."

  "No, that's okay," I said. "I might be there for a while, and I don't want to put you out."

  "I don't mind." He smiled at me.

  I took a deep breath. "Actually, I'd prefer to go alone."

  He rocked back slightly as if I'd pushed him away. I hastened to explain. "I just don't know how long I'll be, and Lou might want to talk to me, and--"

  "It's okay, Candy. I have a lot of work to do anyhow. I'll see you when you get back?"

  I nodded and escaped to the street. I walked to the office, feeling a strange satisfaction. I had said what I wanted. And I'd got it. It felt like I'd never done that before. But of course I had. I'd done it at Ikea, for one. Gone in, picked what I wanted, and brought it home. And I'd done it lots of other times. Hadn't I?

  Why couldn't I think of any?

  I had planned my trip to the office carefully, terrified of seeing anyone who'd been at Light with me on Friday. Allyson
was the only one who'd seen me leave with Kegan, but she'd probably told everyone. I'd have to see them eventually, but if I could avoid it even for a few days, it would be nice.

  As I'd hoped, when I got to the office everyone was on lunch. I sat down at my desk in the silent room and started up my computer. In a few minutes, Tigger told me I had email.

  To: canw@sappphireinteriordesign.com

  From: allyj@sapphireinteriordesign.com

  Subject: Status Report

  Just wanted to let you know a few things.

  1. I told the others that you had a really bad headache and had to go home. They were sorry you weren't there, but nobody seemed suspicious.

  2. If you want to talk, drop me an email or come by and say you want to discuss my status report. I'd be happy to go to lunch with you or meet you somewhere.

  3. I hope you're okay. That was all pretty intense.

  Allyson

  I read the email several times. It wasn't remotely what I'd come to expect from Allyson. No happy faces, no flakiness, and a good cover of my sudden disappearance on Friday night.

  Did I want to have lunch with her? We'd never been friends, but she was the only one who'd seen what had happened, and maybe talking to her would be helpful. On the other hand, did I want to tell a coworker, and one I wasn't so sure about at that, about everything?

  I shut my eyes for a second and told myself, "I am going out for lunch with Allyson." It felt good, like it was the right thing to do. I opened my eyes and sent a reply.

  To: allyj@sapphireinteriordesign.com

  From: canw@sapphireinteriordesign.com

  Subject: Re: Status Report

  Thanks, Allyson. Lunch would be good. Are you free tomorrow (Tuesday)? I should be in the office tomorrow morning to find out, or you can send a text message to my cell phone.

  Thanks for what you told them. I appreciate it.

  C.

  Just as I pressed the 'send' button, Lou's office door opened. "Candice, do you have a second?"

  "Of course."

  He held the door open for me, then closed it and sat down behind his desk.

  "Richard, in his infinite wisdom, just took on another client."

  "Another one? Oh, good. I was wondering what we'd do with all our free time."

  Lou nodded. "That's more or less what I said to Richard. I'm sure you'll be shocked to learn he didn't care."

  "Shocked," I said, smiling at his aggravated expression.

  "My wife has the car for the week, off visiting her mother in Montreal, and Jim's restaurant isn't really accessible by subway. Is there any way you could drive us there?"

  "I don't have the car here today. I could go get it, but it'll take--"

  Lou waved me off. "No, it's tomorrow afternoon. At two, unless I call him to change it."

  "Sure, I can drive in tomorrow," I said.

  "Okay, good. Can you be ready to leave at one? I want to make sure we're not late."

  "No problem."

  *****

  Kegan picked me up at home right at seven. When I saw him, wearing a sleek black suit, I was glad I'd changed into the dress I'd worn a few months ago to Larissa's work party, teal-green with a halter top and a straight skirt that ended just above my knees. We looked like we belonged together.

  My new shawl would have been perfect for the dress, but I wore an older one instead, one I'd made from a delicate black mohair. I hadn't thought of a shawl at all until Kegan rang the doorbell, and then I'd rushed past the new one to grab the black as I left my bedroom.

  Kegan stepped back and made a production of checking me out. Shaking his head, he said, "Every time I see you, you look even better. How do you do that?"

  I looked him over, imitating his blatant scan of my body. "I could say the same thing to you."

  He held out his hand. "Are you ready to go?"

  I locked the door and walked past him down the sidewalk. I didn't want to take his hand, not on my front steps.

  *****

  By nine o'clock, I'd had more wine than was good for me, and was warm and happy. Kegan had taken me to Setherwood ("because I heard you say you love it") and we were ensconced in a cozy corner. He sat beside me, our knees occasionally touching beneath the table, and we'd shared an appetizer and were now waiting for our meals.

  "I can't believe you've never had lobster before today," he said. "How is that even possible?"

  I shrugged. "It's a mystery of life," I said, waving an arm in a grand gesture.

  He smiled at me. "Are you drunk?"

  "That's a mystery too."

  His arm slipped around my shoulder. "No, that's a fact. They're different."

  "Are not."

  He laughed. "You don't even know what you're arguing about."

  "Lobsters," I said triumphantly.

  "If you say so. Whatever you say, dear."

  "Exactly. There you go."

  "I have no idea what you're talking about, Candy, but I love you," he said, squeezing me closer to him.

  It was on the tip of my tongue to say, "I love you too." In the haze of the alcohol and the food and the closeness, just for a second, I did love him. I took a breath to say it, but instead I dropped my head to his shoulder and didn't say a word. He held me tight until our waiter arrived with our food.

  *****

  We were toying with the last remnants of our desserts when Kegan cleared his throat. "I've got something for you." He pulled a small silver box from his jacket pocket and passed it across the table to me.

  For a second, I couldn't bring myself to open it. He couldn't be giving me anything that I could keep if I chose Ian, and I didn't want to hurt him by giving his present back. He'd gone out and bought this for me, though, and I couldn't reject him right here.

  I untied the ribbon and removed the top of the box. Inside, nestled into soft white cotton, was a tiny crystal polar bear, barely an inch long. I plucked it out and stood it on the table in front of me, then leaned in to look at it more closely. It was perfect in every detail, and so delicate I was afraid to touch it again. I did, though, running a finger gently over its cold back.

  "It's gorgeous," I said, looking up at him. "You shouldn't have."

  "I know, but I wanted to." He put his hand over mine. "I figured if you didn't choose me, it was small enough that it could stay with you." His thumb circled gently on the back of my hand and shivers rippled through me.

  He said my name, and the yearning in his voice made me weak. "I need you to choose," he said, looking into my eyes. "I love you. I think you could love me. Am I right?"

  I swallowed hard. "Yes," I whispered.

  Yes, I could. I could love Kegan again.

  He brushed a strand of hair from my cheek. "That's all I need for now."

  *****

  Sitting in his car outside my house, we looked at each other in silence. At last, he said, "Is the no kiss rule still in effect?"

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

  "Then consider yourself kissed," he said, his eyes on my lips. I could almost feel his mouth on mine, warm and tender, possessing me. He put his hand on the back of my neck, and just his touch nearly made me lose control. I swayed slightly toward him before pulling myself back as if from an open flame.

  "I have to go," I said, my voice sounding strange in my own ears.

  "Let me kiss you." The words seemed to burst from him. As soon as he'd said them, he was shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. It's just... God, I just want you so much. It's killing me."

  I licked my lips, and felt heat flash through me as his eyes fastened on my mouth again. If I let him kiss me, it would be the end. I'd be making the decision right here, right now, because that kiss would lead to us making love, and that would be the end of my marriage.

  He touched my cheek, and I turned my head and kissed the palm of his hand. Then, before I could change my mind, I grabbed my purse and fled.

  To: ianw@buildaid.com

  From: ninjacatroc
ks@hotmail.com

  Subject: Glad to hear from you

  I was a bit surprised not to hear from you yesterday, but it's okay. I know you're really busy trying to finish up before next weekend.

  Lou and I have yet another new client tomorrow. I have to drive us to see him. Lou's going to hate my car, I just know it.

  Ninja says hi. All my polar bears say hi. I say, come home. Please. I miss you.

  C.

  Tuesday, August 23rd

  Kegan had meetings all morning, so I stayed in the office and caught up on some of the work I'd been neglecting. I had to answer a few questions about my 'headache' on Friday night, but thanks to Allyson I was prepared and said I'd felt better as soon as I got home.

  She came by my desk around eleven-thirty. "Are we going to talk about that report?"

  I nodded. "I have to be ready to leave here at one though. Can we talk soon?"

  "Sure. Why don't we go for lunch? In two minutes, maybe?"

  If I hadn't known, I'd never have guessed we'd already agreed to have lunch together. "Sounds good," I said, and she headed back to her desk.

  I tidied up mine and made sure my bag was packed for the client meeting, feeling increasingly doubtful about talking to Allyson. It had felt right on Monday, but now I just didn't know what good it would do.

  We walked to the food court in near-silence but I could feel her impatience. Somehow, she managed to control herself until we'd both ordered our food and started eating. Then the inquisition began.

  "What was the deal?"